Forgive me if I have not been as supportive or present as usual in the past few months. I have been trying to keep updated on everyone.
Its been really hard for me the past few months and i have to admit I'm having major jealousy issues. All my close bump friends seem
to be moving on and its really really hard feeling left behind. I know most of you have had these feelings and they are hard to admit and write. Deep down I'm so happy for everyone on here that gets to move on but I have this sinking feeling in my gut that I will not move forward. A lot of this has hit me the last few days and I've gotten really good at pushing these feeling deep down and not talking about them. Today I'm home alone and can't stop crying. Some of you may know that we have moved forward with our foster adoption and are currently waiting to be matched. On one hand I'm so excited for whats to come and the other hand I walk by the nursery we have prepared most recently and its like jabbing the knife in harder every time I see it. I told my dh last night i was sad to see a cute nursery all done up and me not even be pregnant. Although I am truly ready to care for whatever child may come I know i need to deal with these feeling to move forward.I have booked my first counseling meeting to talk about all of this and dh did too. We currently still have 4 embryos left from our donor cycle and I'm scared to use them. i just recently made a appointment to see our RE since the miscarriage at the end of feb. I feel like he has failed us and don't know if we can move forward with him. The money has been spent and there are not many more options to go somewhere else now or get a carrier so I fear I will waste these embryos if we put them in me. May 12th we will meet with him and see what our next steps are. I miss talking to you all and hope everyone is doing well.
Me 34 and DH 39 married in aug. 2002
Did 5 round of clomid 2010 =BFN
High levels of NK CELLS DX sept.2012 DOR:# 0.02
IVF #1 May 2012 ER 4, EF 2, ET 2 =BFN
MINI IVF Oct.2012 Cancelled 10-27-12
Ivf #3 Antagonist Protocol April 2013
Shared cycle..Donor cycled in July Got 12 eggs 9 fertilized and 8 frozen!!
DE FET #1 Sept. 3rd 2013 FIRST BFP EVER 5dp5dt
miscarried Sept 24th at 5 weeks 5 days
Etopic D&C and hysterscopy Nov 5 2013
dx with pre genetic blood clotting dec 2013
FET #2 Jan 31st 2014
Miscarried for a second time again at 5 weeks 5 days
Currently fostering to adopt an amazing little 1 year old boy..P.J!
FET#3 is Oct 29th 2014
BFN on fet #3
Last and FINAL FET coming JAN 28th 2015