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Report or not *possible trigger*

lellyminelellymine member
edited April 2014 in June 2014 Moms
I've been avoiding posting about my niece recently since I'm clearly emotional about it but I really need some totally unbiased and outside opinions. Everyone in my life I can talk to about this is too close to the situation.

After some recent behavior of my niece's I'm genuinely concerned for her baby's life. Tonight I was talking with my MIL and she confided that she is afraid my niece will kill the baby after it was born. That's been my fear and my DH's for a few months as well. The rest of the family either ignores her behavior or thinks if we're more supportive (throwing her a gender reveal party, showers and purchasing all her baby items) it'll end up being just fine. Nobody wants to really deal with her though. MIL absolutely will not report my niece and I know if I/DH do it'll truly ruin any relationship with his sister as well as a few other people in the family. Probably for good.

But when people are afraid for a child's life how can we really sit back and do nothing? I'm just a wreck about this and the whole situation has been getting worse as her pregnancy has gone on. What would you do in this circumstance? If it's reporting it how would you even go about it along with trying to keep family relationships salvageable?
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Re: Report or not *possible trigger*

  • lellyminelellymine member
    Both. There have been some concerns that she when she found out she still wasn't able to move in with the bf that she didn't want the baby anymore. Since she was out of the safe zone to get an abortion at that time her drinking and getting high, as well as some things said, seemed to indicate that she was trying to cause a miscarriage since the pregnancy was no longer useful to her.

    I removed myself after that because I'm too emotionally involved being pregnant as well. I'm not sure what happened with that or if anyone talked to her about it since I told the family they couldn't talk to me about her anymore. At least until I had my baby.

    We're also concerned that it could be an accident. She's got terrible anger issues so it wouldn't be out of her character to snap and do something awful in the heat of the moment while frustrated.
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  • ricecakes1216ricecakes1216 member
    I'm sorry you're dealing with this. If u were in your situation I would definitely talk to someone. The family that would have an issue would have to get over themselves. If a child is in danger you must do something.
     TTC#1 Since April 2011 
    BFP#1 5.23.12 C/P 4w4d 
    BFP #2 10.1.13
    EDD June 10, 2014
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  • Abenedict2011Abenedict2011 member
    I agree you have to do what is in the child's best interest in terms of safety. I would call youth services and ask them just to get info before baby is born. Has your niece thought about adoption if she is so unhappy about the idea of having a baby?

    I'm so sorry you are going through this both as a famy member and and a pregnant lady who is trying to keep your own stressors low. Fx & T&Ps for you and your family.
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  • lellyminelellymine member
    edited April 2014
    Is it truly anonymous if I call and report her? Protecting our relationships with DH's family is incredibly important right now. DH is really struggling with the thought of being alienated from his family for years over doing this.

    I'm not sure if she's still seeing the social worker anymore. When I walked away from the situation I know her mom wasn't forcing her to keep her weekly appts anymore.

    Niece just turned 17 and a few of us have talked to her about adoption. It's not something she's even willing to talk about. It's like the family thinks if we all make this as easy as possible for her this pregnancy will help turn her life around. None of them want to
    force her to look at the realities of what her actions result in.

    In the beginning I had hopes that knowing she was about to become a mother would help her mature but every month she gets more out of control and dangerous.
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  • babygabe614babygabe614 member
    I am so very sorry you have to deal with this, and I can see it is really tearing you (and I'm sure your DH as well) apart. I have to echo everyone else, though, and say that if no one else in the family is willing to stand up for the safety of this child solely because they don't want to make waves, but you see this detrimental behavior and legitimately fear for the well-being of the baby, then you have to do something. 

    My personal feelings would be "screw those people who want to sever ties" if it were me, but I also don't have a super close relationship with most of my or DH's family. I can tell your situation is different and it would be heartbreaking for your DH to lose those people because of this. However, how much more heartbreaking would it be if this baby either is born with severe issues or dies because of something your niece is doing while still in the womb, or as an act of violence at its out of control mother's hands? I think I could live with having some pissed off family members. I couldn't live with knowing I might have prevented that from happening to that child. :(

    Absolutely not trying to guilt trip you or your DH at ALL, and I can only imagine how incredibly difficult this choice is for you guys to make. Just trying to sort out how I would feel if I were in your shoes. 

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

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  • Ashes92813Ashes92813 member
    You can always call CPS to consult.
    If they don't seem concerned be more forward and questions about how to handle it. If they are resistant, ask for a supervisor immediately.
    MrsRahl said:

    Could you make an anonymous call to CPS? I don't know what they could do BEFORE baby is born, but maybe these things could go on records somewhere so that if something does God forbid happen, there was some background knowledge.  I know this must be a terribly difficult situation to be in, but I would do whatever is necessary to protect that child. If you lose other family because of that, that is their choice to sever ties and not you, which is terrible because from what you say, they seem to feel the same way but are too afraid to do anything about it.  Sounds like maybe you need to stage an intervention rather than a gender reveal party, which could maybe help get her sober.  Like PP said, a party is just putting a bandaid on it. 

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  • Julie&MicahJulie&Micah member
    As others have said, call CPS. You can make an anonymous report. They will know how to correctly proceed from the information that you can provide. If nothing else happens, you will at least start the paper trail and if something happens on the future there will be a history. As a teacher I mandated to report any suspicions, so I know making that call can be tough, but you are talking about a life. It is worth a call if nothing else to document concern.
    Sending good thoughts your way, this is a tough place to be in.
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  • kittenslovekittenslove member
    Is she still on probation? Could her mom talk to the PO and ask them to drug test her? If she failed a drug test on parole, it would begin a process now that could lead to the baby being placed with family or in placement. It is different everywhere, and without know everything, there is no way to know the outcome, but we have done this with two teens at my school in the past. One feel off the radar and gave up rights. The other realized she was going to lose her child and cleaned up before birth. The baby was still in placement, which was hard on her, but they have been reunited, she is living in moms house, and graduates in June. Sometimes people can't make the decision to give up their children, even if they don't want them. However, if the child is taken from them, they do nothing to get the child back. Also, if she can not live with the boyfriend, will she be living with her mom? Will the mom step in and take care of the baby? I mean, without court intervention, is mom ready to raise this baby? Cause it doesn't sound like your niece wants to. Finally, I really think you and your husband should think about seeing a counselor. This is high stress and high risk. Sometimes just a few sessions with someone outside the situation helps put things in perspective.
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  • steprozzsteprozz member
    I'm sorry to hear you are dealing with this. I agree with pps that you are going to have to be the one to step up and take action. make sure you have all the accurate information on the situation. if she is doing drugs while pregnant, the baby can be tested at birth and depending on the drugs in baby's system and the amount, the child will most likely be removed from the mother. it sucks that your family can't see what a serious situation this is and if God forbid something does happen at the hands of the mother after the baby is born, they will have to live with the guilt of knowing they could have prevented something disastrous from happening. I really hope you can find it in yourself to do the right thing for the innocent child if the situation really is as dire as you make it out to be.
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  • FutureMrsW9FutureMrsW9 member
    katekat8721 said:
    I'm a usually a MYOB type of person, but if I honestly feared for the child's life then I would absolutely say something. I could not live with myself if something happened to that child and I just sat back and did nothing.
    This.  Innocent baby's life...it's too precious not to do something if there is a serious threat.
    Me 31 ~ DH 30
    IVF/FET #1 - BFP!!
    <3 CJW 6/15/2014 <3
    DX - PCOS 2004
    FET #2 - scheduled for 11/24/15
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  • lellyminelellymine member
    I'm on mobile so I'll just do a blanket response to most. The only reason I'm concerned about family reaction is because it's not MY family. I need my DH and I on the same page with something like this since it'll be him that loses. He has the same concerns and while we only were able to speak briefly about it last night after I spoke with my MIL he does agree that this is very serious. Especially now that someone else has spoken of their concern and it's not just us. I just don't want to do this without him 100% on board and then have this huge fallout with his parents and sister.
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  • mrscbradmrscbrad member
    edited April 2014
    In my experience with moms who have substance abuse and relationship issues at our hospital if a drug screen comes back positive at any point during the pregnancy the mother is is automatically flagged for social work and CPS follow up. Unfortunately many, many really terrible parents get to keep their babies because of overflow and the most likely situation would be that the grandmother, your SIL, would be given temporary custody and her daughter, your niece, would not be allowed alone with the baby until so much time had passed with positive CPS reports. The good news is that because she is a teen mom with a criminal record she will be flagged for social work follow up at the birth anyway. You could make a call to the hospital with an anonymous concern for the baby's welfare that social work would have to follow up on. Good luck!
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  • diagonalleydiagonalley member
    lellymine said:

    I'm on mobile so I'll just do a blanket response to most. The only reason I'm concerned about family reaction is because it's not MY family. I need my DH and I on the same page with something like this since it'll be him that loses. He has the same concerns and while we only were able to speak briefly about it last night after I spoke with my MIL he does agree that this is very serious. Especially now that someone else has spoken of their concern and it's not just us. I just don't want to do this without him 100% on board and then have this huge fallout with his parents and sister.

    Quite honestly I feel like if you do nothing it is the baby that loses. It would be really hard to live with knowing you could have done something if something tragic really does happen. I know you feel torn because of it being your husband's family, but what is most important is the safety of this baby and I would hope his family is rational enough to realize that, although it might take time.
    Pregnancy Ticker
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  • jclester614jclester614 member
    njbabymama said:
    Would another relative be willing to raise this child after it's born?  My cousin had a baby when she was very young and irresponsible, and her mother has been raising the child (who just turned 10).  It's a tough situation, but if a lot of family members are feeling concerned then you just have to rip the bandaid off and have the conversation about what to do about your niece - better now than later when it may be too late.
    ^This.

    Obviously the first concern is for the baby, so I don't want this to sound like I'm ignoring that fact. But, what will your niece's life be like if she does not get help? If it is conceivable that she may do something to the baby, she can/will(?) end up in jail. Your actions now could do so much for her own trajectory.

    I'm sorry you have to deal with this, it is so painful to watch family in trouble. Take care of yourself and your LO!
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  • flerlgirlflerlgirl member
    @CDK211‌ has the wise in her eyes. I can't say it any better than she did.





    I'm not new. I just hate The Bump. 

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  • RaeJ004RaeJ004 member

    Report her.  I reported my SIL for various reasons and have never regretted it.  It was the kick in the rear that she needed to get her life back in order and she is now doing much better.  I would never have been able to forgive myself if something had happened to her kids and I had done nothing to try to stop it.  Everybody in the family knows it was me, there was some animosity for a while but I stood my ground and they all know that the right thing was done.

    I would also recommend not shutting yourself out from the situation until after you have the baby.  Your emotions and sensitivity to all things related to children and babies will be way more heightened after baby comes.  If you are more involved now it might lessen the blow of the magnitude of the situation after you give birth.

    GL!

    BabyFruit Ticker

    Georgia 3/15/2012 Matilda 6/12/2014 TWINS!! Babies 3&4 EDD 11/22/2016
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  • ddd2ddd2 member
    edited April 2014
    I don't think this girls family is trying to brush anything under the rug but rather trying to build a support group and maybe show her that if she focuses on the positivity she recieves from those closest to her that she can do and feel the same for the baby. I agree that if you are going by hear say and have not witnessed the behavior that it is not your right you make this choice. Besides I can not imagine asking a 17 year old to be any more emotionally mature than she already is. Realistically I find it rational for her to fall back on coping methods that any teenager would when she is upset. Drinking, drugs, threats.. My hormones are crazy right now too and I sometimes imagine the drink in my hand. I may not be as strong if I was asked to do this as a child . If you are so concerned I would make myself closer and ask that she be honest with her dr. At check ups. It will allow them to moniter this baby the right way. It will be him that calls CPA when the time is right and make sure she has the right medical support should she need it. That baby will clearly have the support from what it sounds like, it is the girl who needs a positive light IMO
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  • lellyminelellymine member
    CDK211 said:

    Ok I'm going to sound like a jerk, I'm not trying to but oh well...here it goes. I have a few problems with this post. I'm going to ask questions for you to think about, there's no need for you to answer on TB.


    1- you said you removed yourself from the situation. When was the last time you saw your niece? When was the last time you SAW your niece behave wrecklessly - not the last time somebody told you about it - the last time you saw it with your own eyes? Have you heard these concerns from several people who interact with her regularly, or only from one? Can you talk to other family members about this situation? 

    2- you are asking advice on whether or not to remove a child from it's mother from internet strangers who don't know the situation other than what you have told us about it. If you have not seen her actions then I strongly suggest sitting down with people who see her on a regular basis and talk to them about it, people who have the whole entire story, who have seen her in action. 

    3- if you are truly concerned for the life of this baby, then I don't understand why you are more concerned about ruining ties with the family. I don't understand this because I have been in that situation and ultimately it comes down to the safety of the innocent child. In my case it was considered hearsay and no actions were taken (which is why I am asking you these questions).

    4- have you heard your niece say anything about harming the baby after he/she is born? 

    5 - if somebody who has witnessed her behavior and who has heard her say she plans on harming the baby is concerned enough to talk to you then I strongly encourage you to talk to them about reporting. Sit with them while they do, create a united front. If they are only concerned enough to gossip about it then that raises a red flag. I say this because you aren't simply talking about abuse (which in and of itself is horrific) but you mentioned death. You are saying that she is concerned about the LIFE of the baby. That's huge.

    I am not trying to sound like a jerk, but I have been in a situation where I heard about abuse from a family member. If you haven't seen your niece's behavior in action then you may have to lie and say you did, or tell the truth and it may be considered hearsay. Some agencies will follow up on hearsay, some will not. 

    I think child abuse is a horrible horrible thing. It has to be reported and handled wisely to make sure it is looked into in an appropriate manner. You can call and talk to somebody who is really good and helpful, or you can get somebody who is awful and dismisses your reports. Since there is no baby born yet, I'm not even sure you can report her for abusing her unborn child. 

    You can also call and talk about a hypothetical situation to see what kind of reaction you receive. 

    Good luck. No snark intended in this post.
    The last time I saw her was in February. I haven't been getting involved with anything related to her since. Which also makes me hesitant because I haven't seen some of the most recent things and because I'm not a blood relative. We talked with his family about getting her help even before this pregnancy (we even offered to pay for the treatment center) but her mom and both my MIL and FIL thought that was too drastic. They all believe with the right support and enough love, which equates to them not challenging her, she'd change. This situation will be no different so I know with 99% certainty that any attempt to reason with them or put on a united front to get her help will be shot down quickly. It'd just be DH and I.
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  • lellyminelellymine member
    MommyP710 said:

    lellymine said:

    I'm on mobile so I'll just do a blanket response to most. The only reason I'm concerned about family reaction is because it's not MY family. I need my DH and I on the same page with something like this since it'll be him that loses. He has the same concerns and while we only were able to speak briefly about it last night after I spoke with my MIL he does agree that this is very serious. Especially now that someone else has spoken of their concern and it's not just us. I just don't want to do this without him 100% on board and then have this huge fallout with his parents and sister.

    Quite honestly I feel like if you do nothing it is the baby that loses. It would be really hard to live with knowing you could have done something if something tragic really does happen. I know you feel torn because of it being your husband's family, but what is most important is the safety of this baby and I would hope his family is rational enough to realize that, although it might take time.
    Oh for sure it's the baby that loses. Before last night I thought I could've been overreacting with my worries but hearing MIL have the same fears changes things. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around what to do since she's still pregnant and seeing if there's a way to do this that keeps the baby safe and let's my husband keep his family.

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  • TheMrs820TheMrs820 member
    I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this. I agree with PP. ....Call.
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  • tbmadeamistaketbmadeamistake member

    I seriously thought about calling CPS on my god-sister recently.  She smokes a lot of pot (has a medical marijuana license and abuses it) and drinks a lot.  None of that really bothered me until she and her bf split up and I found out she was putting the baby to bed in the PnP in her hotel room, and then smoking and getting drunk in that same room.  To me that screamed dangerous.  Her ex was also smoking a lot of pot and was apparently getting himself re-acquainted with crack as well. 

    I didn't call.  First of all, they will try to place the baby with family (blood relatives, which I'm not).  Her mother smokes as much weed and drinks like a fish in the middle of the day.  The baby's other grandmother is just as bad.  Neither grandfather is in the picture and neither parent has siblings.  That leaves, potentially, my family.  No one but me would be willing to take her right now, and I won't be given her because I'm pregnant.  So that meant strangers.  While I don't agree with what my god-sister was doing, at the time, the baby also wasn't suffering.  There was never any one incident that showed that she was in danger, and she appears to be thriving. 

    There was also the chance that the mother would have turned around and reported me out of spite.  Tit for tat.  While the report would have been anonymous, there was little doubt at the time who of us were willing to make that call.  A report to CPS will follow you forever, even if nothing comes from it and you show all clear.  It remains on your record.  That scared the shit out of me.  In my case, there was also the chance of other types of retaliation if the father had found out I reported it.  He does not have the best circle of friends. 

    It came down to her family or my family, and I chose my family.  As in, me, DH, C, and Charlie.  It sucks.  I still wish I had said something, that I had done something official.  None of us can tell you what's right in your situation.  Honestly, whether you choose to report or not, you will always wonder how things went if you chose the other option.  Right now, I have zero contact with that family.  My god-sister and her ex got back together and are living together again.  I cannot risk my children being around that environment, so we simply don't interact with them.  I miss her terribly, but she's also not the person that I grew up loving anymore.  It's an incredibly hard, personal choice and I don't envy that you have to make it.  I shared my story in the hopes that it will make you really evaluate yours.  Maybe your niece is in a worse situation and it does warrant that call (it sounds like it).  Maybe it's not as bad as your ILs are making it sound.  Either way, you have to do what's right for your family.  I chose my immediate family over my extended family and I try not to look back because that does no good.  If things had been different; different timing, different issues, I might have called. 

    Now I'm rambling, so I'll stop.  But think about it. Talk over all the possible outcomes of both options with your DH.  Make a choice that works for you. 

    Married DH 7/30/11

    CSC arrived 5/7/12 

    CHC arrived 6/2/14

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  • lellyminelellymine member
    Merie412 said:


    becomingmommyagain said:


    I agree with @CDK211, you are asking a group of internet strangers who have zero knowledge of the situation beyond what you have chosen to share to tell you how you should handle the situation.

    When you come on here stating that you, your DH and your MIL all believe that she will KILL the baby - potentially even intentionally - you already have the answer to the question. 

    I suggest you stop posting about how awful your niece is and how enabling your husband's family is, and start doing something about it.  No one on this board is able to report the situation because none of us know the details.  You claim to have first hand knowledge, under the laws of the state you live in, you are REQUIRED to report it or face legal action.

    ---------------------------------



    This. The bolded especially. We can't do anything about it and if that baby is in real, true, imminent danger, not just gossiped assumptions, you need to do something. Regardless of the fall out with the family-regardless if it will leave your DH on the outs with them. I know it's not a good place to be and to force your H into said situation, but it'd be an even worse place to be if something actually happened and you both had to live with yourself knowing that you saw it coming and said nothing about it. 



    ETA cause quotes are LAME


    I'm not asking anyone on here to do anything. Just getting unbiased opinions and making sure I'm not overreacting since I for sure am emotionally involved and this is a really serious thing to do.

    DH and I have tried doing things to get her help, with the pregnancy and the problems before, but as her aunt and her mom not on board my hands have been pretty tied. We haven't been passive watchers but when she's not my child and her mom doesn't want to push certain issues I can't force anything. Her still being pregnant and a minor is also confusing to me as to what options there are until she has the baby.
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  • ELC252011ELC252011 member
    I agree with CDK211 just report her! 
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  • lellyminelellymine member
    Lilygrace48 said:

    I seriously thought about calling CPS on my god-sister recently.  She smokes a lot of pot (has a medical marijuana license and abuses it) and drinks a lot.  None of that really bothered me until she and her bf split up and I found out she was putting the baby to bed in the PnP in her hotel room, and then smoking and getting drunk in that same room.  To me that screamed dangerous.  Her ex was also smoking a lot of pot and was apparently getting himself re-acquainted with crack as well. 

    I didn't call.  First of all, they will try to place the baby with family (blood relatives, which I'm not).  Her mother smokes as much weed and drinks like a fish in the middle of the day.  The baby's other grandmother is just as bad.  Neither grandfather is in the picture and neither parent has siblings.  That leaves, potentially, my family.  No one but me would be willing to take her right now, and I won't be given her because I'm pregnant.  So that meant strangers.  While I don't agree with what my god-sister was doing, at the time, the baby also wasn't suffering.  There was never any one incident that showed that she was in danger, and she appears to be thriving. 

    There was also the chance that the mother would have turned around and reported me out of spite.  Tit for tat.  While the report would have been anonymous, there was little doubt at the time who of us were willing to make that call.  A report to CPS will follow you forever, even if nothing comes from it and you show all clear.  It remains on your record.  That scared the shit out of me.  In my case, there was also the chance of other types of retaliation if the father had found out I reported it.  He does not have the best circle of friends. 

    It came down to her family or my family, and I chose my family.  As in, me, DH, C, and Charlie.  It sucks.  I still wish I had said something, that I had done something official.  None of us can tell you what's right in your situation.  Honestly, whether you choose to report or not, you will always wonder how things went if you chose the other option.  Right now, I have zero contact with that family.  My god-sister and her ex got back together and are living together again.  I cannot risk my children being around that environment, so we simply don't interact with them.  I miss her terribly, but she's also not the person that I grew up loving anymore.  It's an incredibly hard, personal choice and I don't envy that you have to make it.  I shared my story in the hopes that it will make you really evaluate yours.  Maybe your niece is in a worse situation and it does warrant that call (it sounds like it).  Maybe it's not as bad as your ILs are making it sound.  Either way, you have to do what's right for your family.  I chose my immediate family over my extended family and I try not to look back because that does no good.  If things had been different; different timing, different issues, I might have called. 

    Now I'm rambling, so I'll stop.  But think about it. Talk over all the possible outcomes of both options with your DH.  Make a choice that works for you. 

    Thank you for sharing that. I'll have my husband read this and maybe it'll help us figure out how to go forward with it.
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  • lellyminelellymine member
    celticbiohazard said:

    Lellymine, I can empathize with both you and other posters on this issue, because in a way I have been on both sides of the issue.


    Just as a warning, I am going to do my best to not make this triggery, but if child sexual abuse is a trigger to anyone, you might want to stop here.

    I found out a few years ago that when they were younger, one of my family members abused another when she was a child.  I was allowed around this family member.  My family basically did nothing other than do their best to ensure that I was never alone with him.  When I found this out, I was pretty angry.  Obviously I was sad and upset and hurt and confused for my abused family member, but I was furious with the rest of my family for letting me be around the abuser when I was a little girl (and I always got a weird feeling about this guy, so it was even worse -- they were implying I should trust him because he was ok, so if he HAD done something, would I have said anything?  I'm honestly, and disturbingly, not sure).  Yes, my parents would have created an enormous rift between the family and them if they had chosen to disengage completely (in this case, it's not as simple as reporting because my abused family member would have to get involved, and she has just never really been able to deal with her trauma productively).  But I was still furious.  Wasn't my safety, as an innocent child, worth it?

    Yet at the same time, as I am now carrying my own baby and working out what to do about the abuser (complicated, because I am also trying not to re-traumatize my abused family member in the process), I find myself occasionally getting sucked into that mentality.  Family is a weird thing.  The pressure to maintain that family connection is strong, and it's complicated.  From an outsider looking in, when I first learned of the abuse, it was easy for me to say, WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU PEOPLE THINKING.  Yet I would be lying if I said I was immune to the pressure of "keeping the family together" that creeps in now, thinking about my own kids.  It actually makes me angry at MYSELF for getting sucked in.  I'm an intelligent woman, I know right from wrong, yet here I am, getting sucked in the way my parents did.  I do forgive them for getting sucked in, and I know that they are sorry.  They are supporting all of my decisions with regard to the abuser 100%.

    But still.  What if something had happened?  What if he had abused me?  I mean, the human psyche is an amazing thing... I imagine many of my family members would have still found a way to justify my being around him.  And I won't lie to you, if your niece's baby dies, there's a chance that the family will still justify their lack of concern (this is not quite the right thing to call it, but something like that).  Your principles are all you have -- sometimes having principles, having guilt, and not having the massive defense mechanisms that make having an innocent child in a dangerous situation somehow magically ok, is a real burden.  But it's an honorable burden.

    My mom, though?  I imagine she'd have just about died of guilt.  She's not a bad person.  You're not a bad person.  But this situation is complicated, and I can appreciate that.

    Listen to the side of you -- the side that is probably being voiced by the posters who are a bit more direct with you -- that knows that this is all wrong.  I don't know what the right thing to do is, but maybe you wanna connect further with those who know a little more about working with CPS.  If something happens to that baby, will you and your H really feel better by telling yourself, "Well at least we're still in contact with the family"?  

    For me, I feel like this has been my first trial in being a mom.  I have to be prepared to sever my connection with anyone -- ANYONE -- who endangers my child in any way, whether directly, or indirectly by providing a toxic environment.  I have just written a letter to my extended family stating exactly that, because there has already been some fuckery about this situation and how it relates to my baby shower and I am just done with people thinking they can actually make me feel bad about protecting a child by saying they won't talk to me anymore.  You wanna be a douche so bad that you'll give up hanging out with my baby?  Fine, your loss, people.  

    Ahem.  Anyway, not to make this about me.  Just wanted you to know that I totally get the "But what about the family?" thing.  Even though to an outsider, and probably sometimes to you, it sounds ludicrous.  But you know what's right here.  Talk to your DH about it.  You guys need to stand strong together.
    This is exactly how I'm feeling. It seems such an easy decision but then being concerned about my husband and losing those families ties (rightly deserved or not) it starts jumbling things for me. Add to the fact that right now all I've got is concerns and past reckless behavior (since I stop getting involved I'm not sure if she's still drinking and getting high. I'd assume yes but it's something I'd have to talk about with my MIL to know for sure) but no hard evidence that she WILL harm the baby since she's still pregnant and a once black and white situation becomes very gray.
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  • celticbiohazardcelticbiohazard member
    @lellymine:  It is crazy-making how that happens, but I do think that you are doing right to reach out to people who you know will give it to you straight.  I rely on one person in particular to do that for me.  Luckily, that person is a shrink, and has some experience dealing with these issues, so he also has a better idea of what I might be able to do.

    It's tough.  I'm really not sure what you can and can't do, but again, I'm hoping you make some connections here that can guide you through the reporting process.  If you have any friends or connections who are social workers as well, they may be able to help guide you through what you can and can't do in your particular situation (i.e. she's a minor, a lot of info is secondhand, and so on).  

    @CDK211:  I think it's kind of part of the issue, that to us it seems black and white (if there's a life in danger, of course you must act!), but when you're actually in the situation, it feels gray in a way that's really frustrating to anyone outside of it.  I can't speak for lellymine but I know sometimes it just helps to hear someone say "Are you fucking kidding me?" because everyone around me, like my family, seems to be in "It'll probably be ok" land and I start feeling crazy because it seems totally not ok to me.  Just my 2 cents.  I realize that's not what she specifically asked, but I think sometimes in really crappy situations like that one you just want someone to help, and you don't even know how because you yourself have no idea what to do.
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  • celticbiohazardcelticbiohazard member
    edited April 2014
    @CDK211:  Sorry you had to go through something like that too, but really glad you did the right thing.  I agree, different people are just going to respond to it differently, and while I didn't really want to bring my own situation up in an internet forum as a separate topic, I can also see why someone might if it was bothering them enough and they werent't getting a lot of support IRL -- and hey, if what you have to say spurs someone to do the right thing, it's a good thing!
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  • lellyminelellymine member
    Sorry, I'm running on a few hours of sleep, I was up most of the night worrying. I'm worried about the baby but I'm also worried about my niece and the rest of the family. I'm confused myself so I get that it's confusing for others. I guess I posted it on here because I didn't want to do something rash when I am exhausted and worried but not having been involved in the situation for a few months. It's helped to talk it out a bit more too.

    I do want to say, if I saw her hurt her child it wouldn't even be a question to report it, family ties or not. After talking it out more on here my question should've originally been do/can I report her on concerns while she's still pregnant and get some help for her? Or will they ignore it until I've actually seen her do something? I really just want to get her help anyway I can. Personally, I think that's how our family should be showing her our love and support of her. They don't agree though which is why I was wondering if I could do it anonymously.

    I hope none of this comes across as defensive. I really do appreciate all the responses.
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  • lellyminelellymine member
    LoHerrim said:

    The best thing you can do is ask the professionals. Call CPS or the hospital she will deliver at and ask to speak to the social worker. Ask what you need to do or what can be done. They'll let you know the laws in your state/county/area. Know what steps you'll need to take and be prepared to take them. Make sure h is there with you on the same page. That's the best advice I can give.

    My DH and I have plans to sit down tonight and talk it all through so I'll bring up calling the social worker then.
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