Are insensitive people clueless or just not experienced with loss? (Long)

Maybe Joleisa · April 2014

I have a friend who I see about once/year. She has been distancing herself from our group of friends over the past 5 years, but we still include her in things--she very rarely comes. She goes to Aruba with her family every May and since DH and I are going to be there next month I reached out 2 weeks ago to check which dates she'd be there. She responded back with the dates, said she was thinking of DH and I and then let me know she was 10 weeks pregnant. She then included her u/s picture and a picture of a wine glass that said she'd be abstaining until October 2014 or something like that. (It was really awful/cheesy and she's not--so that was weird.) I was confused as to what made her think I would be a great person to send those pics to--particularly the u/s--but I just sent her back a congratulations email saying that I was very happy for her and her DH and let it go.

Today--2 weeks later she's 12w--she sends me an email saying pretty much everything her last email said, PLUS a 3rd announcement! Before the text of her email she wrote, "First though, attached is another little announcement that I thought would make you smile. :-))" It was her announcement that she's having a boy. Her announcement didn't make me smile, it made me say: "What the F*ck is wrong with you?!" and then I cried on my drive home from work. DH is in flight, so you get stuck reading my long story!

Would sending a picture of a cheesecake to a diabetic make them smile? How about a picture of a bottle of vodka to an alcoholic? Maybe a person who just lost their sister would like to see a picture of me and my sister? None of these things are appropriate and would not elicit a smile, so why would sending 3 baby announcements to a grieving mom make them smile?!?!!? I'm not very confrontational when it comes to things like this, but if anyone has any BTDT advice I'm all ears. I'd call up one of our mutual friends to bitch about her, but she hasn't announced on FB and I don't know who knows what! Ack!

kflynn81 · April 2014

People are stupid.... I honestly believe that, I have no better explanation. I'm so sorry that she was so insensitive to you. My coworker likes to come by my desk to show me pictures of her two year old son....ummm, ok. I'm not a confrontational person so I just come home and vent to my hubby so I have no tips on how to deal I'm sorry

ikrystal · April 2014

I am in a similar boat. After my boys passed away, my friend emailed me a video of her baby taking her first steps. I had people sending me pictures of their babies and saying that I could play with theirs if I wanted. Some people are asshats. I don't know how else to put it. They are insensitive and self centered. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. Pregnancy announcements are the worst.

schulme2 · April 2014

Ughhhh so stupid. I'm sorry people are so insensitive and in no way is that appropriate!

TeamWinForever · April 2014

What an awful situation. I'm sorry that you have to deal with that. While I have thankfully not yet had to deal with that,I can imagine how painful it would be. Is she someone that you could be honest with and tell that you'd rather not hear about her pregnancy right now? If she's not, then maybe the best idea would be to ignore the emails and back off of communication with her. It sucks, but right now you have to protect yourself.

LyndseyTS · April 2014

I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. That's pretty awful. I don't have any advice for you, sadly, but if it's going to keep going maybe you need to cut ties with her (at least temporarily)?

Maybe Joleisa · April 2014

@kflynn81‌ : DH is traveling, so I came home and vented to Ben & Jerry! (Thank goodness there was just a little left.)
@ikrystal : I thought of some of your stories when I typed this up. Looks like I was only immune to asshats while actively avoiding most people.
@schulme2‌ : The kicker is that this girl is so super-sensitive, herself. (Upsets easily)
@TeamWinForever‌ : I keep going back and forth whether to make this a teachable moment. On one hand if I offended a friend, I'd want to know. On the other hand, I'm not an asshole and would never do something so dumb and insensitive! I think because I don't have to see her that often, I may just email her back that we have plans for the times they'd be available in Aruba and then be done. (I'm not sure when her baby shower will be this summer, but I can assure you I am already busy!)

stefuge · April 2014

I'm so sorry she was so insensitive. That is awful. I think I would say something to her, because if she feels fine sending three baby announcements, she's not likely to stop there and I would hate to have to see more pop up in my email. Something along the lines of its really hard to hear about her pregnancy since losing your boys, and hopefully she understands that you need a little space from all of that. ((Hugs))

Jellybean71514 · April 2014

That's so awful I'm sorry you had to deal with that, I've also gotten a few insensitive comments so far and it makes me furious and it hurts but I just try to walk away or ignore them .....I do think if there was a repeat offender sending me shit like you got I would absolutely tell them that I'm struggling right now even though I'm happy for them i would rather not get the pics and updates right now but when I am ready I will reach out- *hugs* ....glad you had at least a little ice cream, you deserve it... yes I'm being a enabler right now! xo

Jellybean71514 · April 2014

And I would DEF avoid hanging out with her in Aruba.... don't risk ruining your vacation -

cdale86 · April 2014

***Ticker***

Wow! I'm nearly speechless. She's an idiot. I think it would be worth it to send her an email telling her (in a nice way) that it's insensitive to send THREE pg announcements. Use it as a teachable moment! I would probably also then pull away from that relationship for a bit. It would probably be best for your healing. I for sure couldn't handle that. Also, how does she know she's having a boy at 12 weeks?

veetveet · April 2014

Recently I have pulled away from my best friend. There have been some things she has said/done including pregnancy talk that have put me off. I couldn't say it in person or on the ohone- way too emotional. So i put it in an email (I know- what a coward! But if I didn't my emotions would have got the best of me)

In regards to the pregnancy I told her that right now I am not interested in hearing about pregnancy things/insensitive comments and I need some time and space to continue to heal. I need to protect myself.

Noethola · April 2014

***Ticker***

I am going to ask first, does she know about your loss? Some people I didnt see often had no idea, and some never knew I was expecting (Im not a FB announcer) until I posted that we had lost her.

I would just gently tell her something like, "I am genuinely thankful for your progressing pregnancy, and hope that it continues to go well. **If she may not know** You may not know that my husband and I recently lost our twin boys. While I am glad all is going well for you, could you limit your emails telling me about it? I am still very sensitive as I am am grieving my sons. Thank you so much for understanding. All the best." Or something like that?

If she knows about your loss, then yeah I would use it as a teachable moment and again remind her of your loss and that hearing about her pregnancy is painful for you.

While I tend to be pretty laid back about things, I almost always step out of my shell to teach people how their responses to our loss were not helpful. I hope that by doing so, I can save someone else some of the pain of stupid comments.

Dixon813 · April 2014

~~Siggy Warning~~

Oh, I'm so sorry.... I agree with what pp said - I would say something to her. To me, it would be one thing if she told you once and let it be, but the fact that she's mentioned it many times and says shes doing it to "make you smile"...if it were my friend, I would want her to know that it doesn't make me smile...

I try to use moments that make me uncomfortable - or even angry - as teachable moments so that maybe some other mom or dad can be spared in the future.

bunnybun4 · April 2014

I am so sorry she is being so insensitive. I echo PP's and feel like you have to say something to her. Maybe you could just reiterate that you know she wasn't trying to hurt you but you are really sensitive right now. I honestly can't believe people sometimes.

philfemgal · April 2014

*siggy warning*

I'm very sorry that this is going on. I think a lot of insensitivity does have to do with lack of experience with loss and just not being able to fathom what it feels like to experience the sort of loss you have.

We had a somewhat similar experience about 4 months out from our loss (just a day or two after the due date for our twins passed) and the first month we were TTCAL (and I had just found out I was for sure not pregnant). Some very close friends announced their pregnancy over email to us at that time, with the email sounding all smiles and happiness. They had waited to 12 weeks--you know the "safe" time, HAH--to announce. There was no mention at all of our loss or our trying to get pregnant again or anything. There was nothing particularly insensitive about what they said, it was just the timing of things and where we were at at that point. But these were such good friends that normally I know they would go out of their way to be extra sensitive. At the time I kept thinking, you waited all these weeks to announce--you had to do it the day after our dead baby's due date and not say anything about it? (they knew the due date given we had posted on facebook about it the day before and they had responded) I think it just had to be not knowing what to say and not understanding what it is like to have had this type of loss.

We ended up emailing back and saying we were so happy for them of course, but also given what had been happening to us at that time meant that we needed a little space to digest the news. We suggesting waiting a few weeks at least to skype (or primary means of communication other than email/facebook). They seemed very understanding and things got easier for us (in terms of being happy for them) in those few weeks and shortly after I was pregnant with my rainbow and things got even easier.

So I would recommend saying something to your friend. It's possible she took your lack of saying anything about how hurtful it is to hear about her pregnancy--even if you are happy for her--as license to go overboard with constant updates/announcements. You'll want to nip that in the bud now I'm sure since it might just get worse! This is my thought assuming you are giving your friend the benefit of the doubt, assuming she doesn't know how hurtful she's being and would act differently if she knew. On the other hand, if you think there's more to it, like she just doesn't care what you are feeling or will just get pissed if you say something to her, that's a different story.

Now looking back on our own experience I sometimes can't believe how upsetting it was to hear about our friend's pregnancy. It makes me sad that I really couldn't just separate out my feelings of loss and be truly happy for them (at first). But that's where I was at that point. Ironically, we came to find out our friends had been TTC for about a year and a half and had a good amount of trouble (though we didn't know anything about their trying or their difficulty until after their announcement). In the middle of all that going on for them, we announced our first pregnancy (the one that ended in our loss of twins) all happy and joyful. In fact, it happened that I had gotten pregnant with twins on the first try, which we talked about a lot since it was so shocking to us. Now knowing where they were at at the time, I can see how that our good news at the time was probably pretty hurtful to them too. (Though, of course, big difference in that we didn't have any way of knowing what they were going through or that it might be hurtful.)

weddedwife · April 2014

Popping in. I'm not on much anymore these days.

I have a friend who is pg, maybe 14 weeks or so now. I know she must've announced on fb by now but I'm purposely not looking. I blocked all my friends w babies, particularly little boys, years ago (I'm now 2+ years out from my loss) and never unblocked them.

It makes no sense to me- I have a sunshine as well as a rainbow baby- but I am still angry and jealous at any pg announcement. I'm jealous at their carefree optimism. I'm angry everyone seems to keep ALL of their babies and I don't get to. I'm bitter that my rainbow pg was spent mostly on bed rest, high risk, and in complete fear.

What I'm trying to say is, it's normal. Many of us are still sensitive to pg announcements, etc. even after having a rainbow baby. It's just a part of you that is forever changed. It really sucks. But we get it.

Are insensitive people clueless or just not experienced with loss? (Long)

Re: Are insensitive people clueless or just not experienced with loss? (Long)

NTNP 2009-2012 TTC since 2012:

Choose Another Board

Search Boards