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Late Term and Child Loss
stefuge
member
Regrets
stefuge
member
What do you regret about your loss? Obviously, we all regret that we weren't able to save our babies, but are there other things? Things that haunt you? Things that weigh you down inside? I don't ask so that we all sit and dwell on our regrets, but rather as a way to voice them and try to let go, or at least take a step in that direction. I also figure we all have regrets, and that in voicing them, we can see that we are not alone in this either.
I wish I had taken more photos of Colton. I wish I had called a professional photographer and had them take 100s of photos. We have some, and I am so grateful we do, and at the time I didn't even know if I would even look at the photos that were taken, but now, I cherish every single one and wish there were more.
I wish I had spent more time with him. I didn't get to see him until hours after he was delivered due to complications with the c section and being moved to the ICU. I wish I had seen him sooner, before his coloring started to change, and that I had investigated every inch of his body. It was so hard at the time, and I was still a little out of it from the crazy morning, feeling numb from shock, but I regret that I will never see every inch of his little body.
I regret that we didn't have an autopsy done. At the time we didn't think about how important it might be for getting answers, but now I wish we had, that we had done everything we could to find an answer and to prevent this from happening again.
I wish I had taken more photos of Colton. I wish I had called a professional photographer and had them take 100s of photos. We have some, and I am so grateful we do, and at the time I didn't even know if I would even look at the photos that were taken, but now, I cherish every single one and wish there were more.
I wish I had spent more time with him. I didn't get to see him until hours after he was delivered due to complications with the c section and being moved to the ICU. I wish I had seen him sooner, before his coloring started to change, and that I had investigated every inch of his body. It was so hard at the time, and I was still a little out of it from the crazy morning, feeling numb from shock, but I regret that I will never see every inch of his little body.
I regret that we didn't have an autopsy done. At the time we didn't think about how important it might be for getting answers, but now I wish we had, that we had done everything we could to find an answer and to prevent this from happening again.
Me: 32 DH: 33 High School Sweethearts Married 5/28/2005
DS1 born 6/5/10 at 40 weeks via emergency c-section due to fetal distress and IUGR caused by placental insufficiency
DS2 born still 8/28/13 at 32 weeks via emergency c-section due to a complete placental abruption - cause unknown
Baby #3 on the way, EDD 2/29/16. Originally twins, but we said goodbye to Baby B at 8 weeks.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Regrets
NTNP 2009-2012 TTC since 2012:
Jack has handpicked his sibling up there
My blog about IF and loss ... Kate's IF Blog
I'm sad we were given 4 really crappy options.
I had brought her "going home" outfit with me and had planned on dressing her in that. But then she was very small and I was afraid of the outfit looking ridiculously big on her, so we put her in the dress that the hospital provided. But now I wish I had put her in the clothes I had picked out for her. We did wrap her in a blanket knitted especially for her and for that I will be forever grateful.
The day you deliver your angel is one of the hardest, if not the hardest, day of your life. You have to make so many snap decisions at a time when you are in shock and not thinking clearly at all. We all have regrets, but we all need to be kind to ourselves and accept the experience for what it was. We all loved our babies more than anything and we all did what we thought was right at the time. We need to let the rest go.
Thank you @stefuge. This post was a great idea.
I've mentioned it before (probably numerous times), but I regret letting the nurse talk me out of getting photos. I so wish that we had one so that I had our daughter's beautiful face etched forever. I also regret letting fear influence many of my decisions that day. In some ways, I regret doing the first trimester genetic testing. I don't know whether or not it helped to know that the odds were not in her favour, but I feel like even the joyful moments of pregnancy were tainted with worry and fear. I may have regretted not doing it if I had taken that path though, who knows.
It's nice to get them out in the open. Sometimes it feels like they eat me from the inside out.
The regret is the hardest part for me but everyday I try think about letting it go and being grateful for the experiences I did have with Wesley. I got to carry him for 39.5 weeks, deliver him and hold him. We thought we'd get a lifetime of memories with him but we don't and I have to come to peace with that.
I wish I had pressed to get handprints and footprints...they weren't available at the place we went but I wish I had pressed for it.
I just want to echo that we all did what we had to do in a very, very difficult situation. We all had to make snap decisions that we never in a million years thought we would have to make....and we had to make them quickly. I think back to my emotional state the days before we lost her and I was not making any rational decsions...i was just in survivor mode, and I did what I had to do to pull through it. All of our babies know that we love them regardless of our regrets. they know that we did the best we could and every decision was out of love. ((hugs)) to all of you today.
8/12-Suprise BFP- Sweet Bunny Born Sleeping 11/21/12 (19 weeks)
-5/7/13- MMC (8 Weeks)
11/6/13- BO discovered at 7 weeks- natural MC 11/25/13
8/14- Surpise IF dx...low AMH (.24)- moving on to IVF
IVF #1- 11/14- 6R5M4F=2 perfect frosties
12/19/14- FET of 2 embabies = BFP!!! One Little Bean EDD: 9/3/15
Everyone Welcome.
This thread totally made me cry, because I have a lot of the same regrets that you all do. It's nice to not feel alone in those feelings.
I regret not getting more pictures or spending more time with him. I was in such shock that I just wasn't sure what to do; I wasn't prepared at all. I just rode this giant wave of emotions and numbness until I was discharged from the hospital. I am glad I chose to see him and hold him, because at first, I didn't want to. I regret not spending more time with him, but I will cherish the time that I had.
I think my biggest regret is not getting hand and foot molds. I have his footprint, but that's about it. I want a picture of that footprint put on a necklace eventually.
I regret my parents not seeing her before she died. My parents got to the hospital while we were in the NICU on the second day (the first day my mom didn't think she was ready to see them). We came back to my room and stayed with my parents for a couple hours and then they left. I checked my phone and before they had gotten there my mom texted to ask if they could meet us in the NICU but I didn't get it until after they left. Mary passed the next morning.
I regret not spending more time with her while she was alive. Everything was such a whirlwind and our families wanted to be there with us and I had to pump every 2 hours so we spent so much time in our room.
I regret not getting her hand prints. I regret not doing molds of her hands and feet. I regret not getting her dressed. It was the only time I would get to and the nurse did it.
All of these have been weighing heavy on my heart.
Thank you all for sharing. I know how difficult these memories are, and how difficult it can be to say out loud those things we feel we didn't do "right" but like many of you have said, we all have very similar regrets, and we are not alone.
It has been said on here before (and I repeat this to myself often!) that we have to forgive ourselves for the decisions made on the worst day of our lives. I try, I really try!
((Hugs)) to you all today!
Thoughts and prayers to all of you.
Love you ladies. ((((hugs)))
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BFP# 1 7/7/12 Beautiful DD born still at 36 weeks 5 days on 3/2/13
Diagnosed with PCOS in 2005. Started Metformin July 2013
Please be our rainbow!!
**All AL Welcome**
This isn't so much a regret, but a sad feeling that I didn't recognize the signs of labor. In retrospect, labor started about 24 hours before Brayden was actually born. But at 23 weeks, you just think the beginning of labor is normal pregnancy discomfort. I know with placental abruption, there's really nothing they can do to stop labor- the baby needs to come to have any shot at life. But I feel like a terrible mother for not knowing what was happening. I also regret not bathing Brayden. I did unwrap him from his blanket and looked at his little hands and feet, but I feel like I did nothing to "take care" of my baby. Brayden was born alive, so it was sad to see him lose his normal coloring and for his body to become cold. I guess I let those feelings consume me when they offered for us to bathe him.
I regret that we didn't have Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep come in and take pictures. Or that we didn't take our own pictures of the three of them together. I almost pulled my phone out when we saw all three of them together (for the first and last time) but I thought it would be weird to take a picture of them on my phone.
I also regret that I didn't unwrap them and study every single part of their bodies.
I really regret that I didn't know/realize that I was holding Rachel while she was living and while she took her last breath. There was so much going on already, we had already lost Leah, and while we hadn't learned that Gabe had passed yet, I was so out of it that I didn't get it that they were handing her to me and she was still breathing...
But, as many of you have said, we did the best we could. So while I think about these things from time to time, I don't dwell on them.
Hugs to you all!
I regret not having my sister take more pics. I regret DH calling my family to come (at my request), but him not reaching out to his family. I'm grateful for the 4+ hours we had holding them, but I regret not holding them after their little hearts stopped beating--I let the nurse take them away from me. I regret not sharing all my at home Doppler checks with DH--I didn't want him to think I was worried. (I wasn't--I was just a blissfully happy infertile who wanted to spend some time with her boys!) I regret crying when I learned we were having 2 boys. It was not a sex disappointment cry; my mom passed away in 2012 and I was sad I wouldn't be able to use her name. (Luckily I have smart friends who suggested I use her maiden name, thus Anthony's middle name became Boyer and Benjamin's middle name was Charles after my grandpa that passed away in 2010.)
TTC since 10/2010
IUIs # 1-5 = BFFN
IVF # 1(July 2012) = BFN
IVF # 2 (November 2012) = BFP (MIssed MC D&C @ 8w3d on 1/10/13)
I don't have a lot of regrets from the hospital. I guess I was very lucky to deliver in a hospital that deals with infant death more often than others in the area and therefore did things that I never would have thought to do. The nurses took molds of their hands and feet and took pictures. They called NILMDTS and had them come in (even though the pictures I cherish the most are the ones my MIL took on her iPhone). They had bears and crocheted outfits for them so I was able to dress them. I was lucky in that.
The thing I really regret is listening to my dr when he wrote off the PTL symptoms I was having as normal pregnancy symptoms. I wish I had pressed harder to be checked. I wonder if everything could have been prevented if only I had been. I feel like I knew in the back of my mind something would happen.
I regret being sad to have 2 little boys for even the second I was disappointed. I so badly wanted girls that I wasn't completely thrilled right away and I feel so guilty about that.
I also regret that we had just picked out a name for Ryland 2 days before he was born. I feel like I didn't have time to bond with his name so sometimes I feel like I bonded more with Elliott. I feel so very guilty about this. Like I loved one boy over the other even though that wasn't the case. I just was used to calling Elliott by name so his name is what I think of first.
tons of love and light to all of us
TTC since 2008
Dh:34, no issues. Me:31, Endo, slightly hypothyroid, deformed ovary, paracentric inversion.
4 Gonal-F, Cetrotide, HcG, Crinone +TI cycles= all BFN
Lap in 2012 to remove large unresolving cyst discovered endo and double lobed ovary.
6 Gonal-F, Cetrotide, HcG, Crinone IUI cycles= All BFN,
1st IVF w/ICSI- June '13 Antagonist: Gonal-F, Menopur, Ganirelix, HcG, Estradiol, Crinone= 7 retrieved, 4 mature, 1 unfertilized, 2 abnormally fertilized, 1 normally fertilized. 2DT of only embryo and our miracle BFP.
Our beloved baby boy was born sleeping Oct. 13, 2013 due to pROM/IC/Uterine infection.
2nd IVF w/ICSI- Feb. '14 EPP/lupron/antagonist: Estrace, lupron, HGH, Gonal-F, Menopur, HcG, PIO, lovenox, doxy/dex.=21 retrieved, 16 mature, 15 fertilized!! 5dt of 1 blast/ 6 frozen. BFP! Beta 1 9dp5dt:83.9 Beta 2: 11dp5dt: 145.2 Beta 3 14dp5dt: 497 Please be our sticky rainbow baby!