Regrets

stefuge

What do you regret about your loss? Obviously, we all regret that we weren't able to save our babies, but are there other things? Things that haunt you? Things that weigh you down inside? I don't ask so that we all sit and dwell on our regrets, but rather as a way to voice them and try to let go, or at least take a step in that direction. I also figure we all have regrets, and that in voicing them, we can see that we are not alone in this either.

I wish I had taken more photos of Colton. I wish I had called a professional photographer and had them take 100s of photos. We have some, and I am so grateful we do, and at the time I didn't even know if I would even look at the photos that were taken, but now, I cherish every single one and wish there were more.

I wish I had spent more time with him. I didn't get to see him until hours after he was delivered due to complications with the c section and being moved to the ICU. I wish I had seen him sooner, before his coloring started to change, and that I had investigated every inch of his body. It was so hard at the time, and I was still a little out of it from the crazy morning, feeling numb from shock, but I regret that I will never see every inch of his little body.

I regret that we didn't have an autopsy done. At the time we didn't think about how important it might be for getting answers, but now I wish we had, that we had done everything we could to find an answer and to prevent this from happening again.

kflynn81

I regret not taking any pictures and most especially, and it makes me cry as I type this, but that I didnt' even hold my little Jack. I feel like I abandoned him that day and I'll feel guilty about that all the days of my life. Nothing I can do about it now.... just really wish I had been able to see him and give him a kiss before the doctors took him away.

jonahsma

I regret having a d and e I wish I could have delivered her.I wish I could have seen and held my baby. I wanted pics and footprints,I wanted to smell her and kiss her. The procedure took longer than usual, I remember the doctor telling me after the procedure that she was bigger than the doc thought and that killed me.I feel horrible.

jonahsma

I'm so glad to have you ladies...

veetveet

I regret not taking more pictures.... I wish I brought my dslr camera with me. I wish the asshole I contacted from NILMDTS called me back.

I'm sad we were given 4 really crappy options.

GymSpaz26

I wish I had changed Zedekiah's diaper. My husband was so wonderful and wouldn't let me, especially because of my C-Section. But in 3.5 days I never got to bathe him or change his diaper. I wish we had made a bigger deal about having people come meet him in the hospital. We were so relieved at the time that we didn't have a lot of visitors other than my parents and a couple other people because I had a tough recovery from the C-Section and figured it would be so much better to have those visits once we were at home. Oh, my list could go on an on. His death was so unexpected once we were home from the hospital and thought he'd be with us forever.

gracie5107

I regret that I didn't sing her a song, look at every part of her body, and dress her.  In the moment I didn't even think about singing, but I did hold and rock her.  She had a very bad bruise on her neck from the umbilical cord and that was so difficult for me to see, that I didn't think to look at the rest of her.  I just wanted her bundled up so I could only see her face and not the bruise.  But now I don't know if she had any birth marks or anything else noteworthy. 

I had brought her "going home" outfit with me and had planned on dressing her in that.  But then she was very small and I was afraid of the outfit looking ridiculously big on her, so we put her in the dress that the hospital provided.  But now I wish I had put her in the clothes I had picked out for her.  We did wrap her in a blanket knitted especially for her and for that I will be forever grateful. 

The day you deliver your angel is one of the hardest, if not the hardest, day of your life.  You have to make so many snap decisions at a time when you are in shock and not thinking clearly at all.  We all have regrets, but we all need to be kind to ourselves and accept the experience for what it was.  We all loved our babies more than anything and we all did what we thought was right at the time.  We need to let the rest go. 

Thank you @stefuge.  This post was a great idea. 

LyndseyTS

@gracie5107 Thank you for highlighting the positive.

I've mentioned it before (probably numerous times), but I regret letting the nurse talk me out of getting photos. I so wish that we had one so that I had our daughter's beautiful face etched forever. I also regret letting fear influence many of my decisions that day. In some ways, I regret doing the first trimester genetic testing. I don't know whether or not it helped to know that the odds were not in her favour, but I feel like even the joyful moments of pregnancy were tainted with worry and fear. I may have regretted not doing it if I had taken that path though, who knows.

It's nice to get them out in the open. Sometimes it feels like they eat me from the inside out.

Noethola

I regret not getting molds of her hands and feet. It would be nice to have a 3d version that I could touch and put my fingers in. I got her footprints, but wish we had her hand prints too.

dadalou

I don't regret anything from the hospital at all, but I do regret not paying more attention to him during the pregnancy especially the last month or so. I just wanted it to be over and have him. I really don't like being pregnant, but the end result of a baby is worth it. I never in a million years thought that he wouldn't come home with us. If I am ever pregnant again I will be so much more present and pay attention to him or her since that might be all the time I ever have with them.

milb11

gracie5107. It's such a difficult and often unexpected day. I was so consumed with grief that I didn't want to think about it. I asked my doctor for stuff to help me sleep until it was time to deliver. I was induced and delivered almost 24 hours later, but I slept most of the time. 

I regret not having more pictures of Elijah, especially ones with me. I regret not holding him longer...it was just too painful. I also didn't look at his whole body...I guess I was scared. I wish I had. I did open his little eyes so I could see them and I'm glad I did. 

Bgirma

I wish I had more pictures and had thought to ask to bathe him. Like @stefuge said, the fact that I didn't see every part of him makes me so sad. We have pictures of his feet and hands and I love them so much! It kills me that I didn't get to see them in person because he was all bundled up while we had him. I also wish I had asked to see him in the funeral home.

The regret is the hardest part for me but everyday I try think about letting it go and being grateful for the experiences I did have with Wesley. I got to carry him for 39.5 weeks, deliver him and hold him. We thought we'd get a lifetime of memories with him but we don't and I have to come to peace with that.

bunnybun4

I wish I had pressed to get handprints and footprints...they weren't available at the place we went but I wish I had pressed for it.

I just want to echo that we all did what we had to do in a very, very difficult situation.  We all had to make snap decisions that we never in a million years thought we would have to make....and we had to make them quickly.  I think back to my emotional state the days before we lost her and I was not making any rational decsions...i was just in survivor mode, and I did what I had to do to pull through it.  All of our babies know that we love them regardless of our regrets.  they know that we did the best we could and every decision was out of love.  ((hugs)) to all of you today.

Jellybean71514

I just read thru this thread and glad I did. Last night I had an episode of uncontrollable crying because of the guilt and regrets many of you shared here- I regret not holding him too.... I guess at the time I was scared and didn't even want to see him because I wasn't sure I could handle it but my DF saw him and took pictures at the hospital so I'm at peace with that although I do feel like I abandoned him after I have birth so that's some of the guilt I have.... I was also so drugged up and out of it I wasn't even thinking clearly. For the burial my DF did buy him an outfit and put the tiny sneakers on him that I bought Joseph the same day my water broke- i got a little time with him at the funeral home to just look at him, tell him I love him and kiss him goodbye several times - I regret not insisting on more tests for me now that they tell me it was an infection ....I'm hoping to change that next time if we are blessed again by seeing a high risk doctor - thanks all for sharing it helps to know I'm not feeling this all alone xo

ikrystal

stefuge - don't worry about the pictures.  I am so glad you have some.  I have a ton of pictures and I still feel like I dont have enough.  If you had gotten a hundred more pictures, you would still be wanting more.  The truth is, we all got screwed from having years and years of pictures taken of our babies.  Cherish the ones you have and dont give yourself a hard time about not having more.  We didn't have autopsies done either. I do not regret this, because we made the right decision at that extremely sensitive time for us.  I have to believe that about you, too.  You made the decision that was right for you with the information you had in front of you and with the enormity of a loss engulfing you.  If the autopsy was done and came back perfect, you might have regretted that too.  Please, please dont be hard on yourself. 

kflynn81 - I hurt for you because you never got to get pictures of Jack or hold him.  I just cant imagine what that is like.  But that is no way your fault.  I am positive that Jack knows how much you love him, regardless of the fact you didn't get much time with him.  There are studies that show that babies can tell they are loved IN UTERO.  Jack absolutely knows how much he was cared for.  You did not abandon him.  He is yours, and you are his.

jonahsma - You made the right decision.  You loved your baby.  If you made choices out of love, then they were the right decision.  

veetveet - I regret not having my good camera as well.  I am sorry you didn't get the pictures you wanted.  I am so glad that you have some.  So many people do not have any.  It sounds so weird to say this, but I am grateful for little things, like having pictures.  

GymSpaz26 - we didn't give our boys a bathe, either.  I regret that as well.  Don't stress about the visitors.  You were extremely fragile, stressed out, and exhausted.  Visitors might have overwhelmed you even more.  We hardly had any.  That was your time.  Its ok that you didnt share that time with anyone else.  

gracie5107  - I have similar regrets.  We didn't bring onesies from home because I knew they would be too big.  But now, looking back - who cares?  We should have used them.  I didn't see my boys' whole bodies either - I know my husband did, but I was immobile in a hospital bed and couldn't see what he saw.  I thought about singing, too.  You got to hold your baby, and that was enough.  I think that is all they really want - they dont care about clothes, they dont care about singing.  They just want to be held.  What a great mommy you are for rocking her and holding her. 

LyndseyTS - we did not do the genetic testing in the first trimester, and I looked back on it every other day I was pregnant until I gave birth wishing that I had done it.  You're right.  Regret can go either way.  I remember you sharing that story about the nurse and the pictures before.  I am so sad for you that you didn't get those pictures.  But that is not your fault.  We were almost scared out of pictures too by a nurse.  I know you don't have pictures, but you will always remember your baby.  I think that is what matters the most.  I think about what would happen if the pictures of our boys were destroyed in a fire.  Would it matter?  I would be sad, but I know that the memory of them goes on without those pictures.  Your baby is loved, and that is the important thing. 

Noethola - YES!!! I wanted those too!  I am planning on making memory boxes for other families who are losing their babies in the hospital Conner and Ben were born at, and I wanted to put those mold kids in the boxes.  I don't think anyone thinks of it until after everything is said and done. I am so glad you got footprints, though.  

dadalou - I agree with you. I remember not wanting to touch my belly while I was in the hospital because I knew I would lose them (I also didn't want to break my water on accident).  But looking back.. I wish I had taken those last few days to really, really, pay attention to them and love them.  I feel like I didn't want to connect because I was so sad. I am glad you didn't have any regrets from the hospital.  I hope that you do get pregnant again and all is well.

milb11 - I am so glad you got to see your baby's eyes.  I'm glad you held him, too.  You should realize how strong you were to do that, even if you couldn't do it for very long.  My nurses told me stories of people who could not bear to hold their babies for even a second.  You are stronger than you realize.

Bgirma - you are right.  We all have regrets but making peace and coming to terms with what we did get with our babies is so important.  I am glad you still got to see him and take some pictures. 

As for me - I have a million regrets.  But to avoid a long laundry list of items, I'll share my twp biggest regrets - 

1.  That I did not call the doctor sooner.  I had contractions on Tuesday, January 7th and I didn't know they were contractions. They barely hurt. I thought they were round ligament pains. I didn't call until the next day.  The doctors said it wouldn't have saved them if I called them earlier, but I still wonder if more could have been done to save my baby boys. I read that pre-term labor feels nothing like full-term labor, and maybe that is why I missed the signs. But still...  I'll never forgive myself for this. 

2.  Conner and Ben were only with us (alive) for two hours.  We called our parents after an hour of being with them so that they could see Conner and Ben.  But of course, everyone came crying and making tons of noise and I am so sad about that.  Their little neurological systems were not fully developed and every touch and sound probably sent them into sensory overload.  I wish we had waited until Conner and Ben passed to call our parents.  I think it would have made for  a more peaceful atmosphere for them.  Again - I will never forgive myself.  

I know I need to stop being hard on myself.  But it is hard to let some things go. 

OSUWifey09

***SIGGY***



This thread totally made me cry, because I have a lot of the same regrets that you all do. It's nice to not feel alone in those feelings.

I regret not getting more pictures or spending more time with him. I was in such shock that I just wasn't sure what to do; I wasn't prepared at all. I just rode this giant wave of emotions and numbness until I was discharged from the hospital. I am glad I chose to see him and hold him, because at first, I didn't want to. I regret not spending more time with him, but I will cherish the time that I had.

I think my biggest regret is not getting hand and foot molds. I have his footprint, but that's about it. I want a picture of that footprint put on a necklace eventually.

schulme2

@stefuge‌ thank you for starting this... I think we all have been holding onto a lot of regrets.

I regret my parents not seeing her before she died. My parents got to the hospital while we were in the NICU on the second day (the first day my mom didn't think she was ready to see them). We came back to my room and stayed with my parents for a couple hours and then they left. I checked my phone and before they had gotten there my mom texted to ask if they could meet us in the NICU but I didn't get it until after they left. Mary passed the next morning.

I regret not spending more time with her while she was alive. Everything was such a whirlwind and our families wanted to be there with us and I had to pump every 2 hours so we spent so much time in our room.

I regret not getting her hand prints. I regret not doing molds of her hands and feet. I regret not getting her dressed. It was the only time I would get to and the nurse did it.
All of these have been weighing heavy on my heart.

stefuge

Thank you all for sharing.  I know how difficult these memories are, and how difficult it can be to say out loud those things we feel we didn't do "right" but like many of you have said, we all have very similar regrets, and we are not alone. 

It has been said on here before (and I repeat this to myself often!) that we have to forgive ourselves for the decisions made on the worst day of our lives.  I try, I really try! 

((Hugs)) to you all today!

luckyclover0922

My main regret is that I had not told someone to come in sooner when I felt pressure and slight movement. By the time someone came in to check my cervix he was already half way out. I wonder if I could have had more precious time with him and if I would have been able to see him move by himself prior to losing him....

Thoughts and prayers to all of you.

shandorfml2

I regret not getting more pictures, and taking video. I regret not fully examining her body and dressing her myself. I regret not having skin to skin time. I wish we had more time...but her skin was turning and I didn't want to remember her that way. I regret not getting molds of her hands and feet. Damn do I miss her.

Love you ladies. ((((hugs)))

veetveet

Noethola said:

I regret not getting molds of her hands and feet. It would be nice to have a 3d version that I could touch and put my fingers in. I got her footprints, but wish we had her hand prints too.

THIS!   I completely forgot for Christmas my mom bought me the kit.   I opened up a drawer the other day and found it and the onesie she bought him.   At least I have his hand and foot prints 

veetveet

chickinNH said:

Sending you all big ((hugs)).

I regret not soaking in every moment of my precious pregnancy. I regret taking for granted that I was pregnant and for thinking so naively that pregnancy = happily ever after. I regret feeling confident and cocky about finally "beating" infertility and feeling like we deserved this baby.
If I am ever pregnant again I will not take a moment for granted.

This too.   I complained A LOT.  I overall did not feel well with my pregnancy.   

lrichmond86

I don't regret anything with baby gary. I'm at peace with that. I did all I could. I regret a lot with Riley. I regret not giving him more of my time, not reading to him, talking to him. I regret my decision to have a d&c over labor and delivery. I feel like I can't move on because I never got to hold our see my baby. I regret not telling more people that you was pregnant and not celebrating that time. I regret how much I complained about being pregnant while raising an infant. Basically everything. I have no peace yet with what happened. It all just still seems terrible.

dseres87

This isn't so much a regret, but a sad feeling that I didn't recognize the signs of labor. In retrospect, labor started about 24 hours before Brayden was actually born. But at 23 weeks, you just think the beginning of labor is normal pregnancy discomfort. I know with placental abruption, there's really nothing they can do to stop labor- the baby needs to come to have any shot at life. But I feel like a terrible mother for not knowing what was happening. I also regret not bathing Brayden. I did unwrap him from his blanket and looked at his little hands and feet, but I feel like I did nothing to "take care" of my baby. Brayden was born alive, so it was sad to see him lose his normal coloring and for his body to become cold. I guess I let those feelings consume me when they offered for us to bathe him.

Dixon813

~~Siggy Warning~~


I regret that we didn't have Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep  come in and take pictures.  Or that we didn't take our own pictures of the three of them together.  I almost pulled my phone out when we saw all three of them together (for the first and last time) but I thought it would be weird to take a picture of them on my phone.

I also regret that I didn't unwrap them and study every single part of their bodies.

I really regret that I didn't know/realize that I was holding Rachel while she was living and while she took her last breath.  There was so much going on already, we had already lost Leah, and while we hadn't learned that Gabe had passed yet, I was so out of it that I didn't get it that they were handing her to me and she was still breathing...

But, as many of you have said, we did the best we could.  So while I think about these things from time to time, I don't dwell on them.

Hugs to you all!

Maybe Joleisa

((Big hugs to all of you sweet mommas))

I regret not having my sister take more pics. I regret DH calling my family to come (at my request), but him not reaching out to his family. I'm grateful for the 4+ hours we had holding them, but I regret not holding them after their little hearts stopped beating--I let the nurse take them away from me. I regret not sharing all my at home Doppler checks with DH--I didn't want him to think I was worried. (I wasn't--I was just a blissfully happy infertile who wanted to spend some time with her boys!) I regret crying when I learned we were having 2 boys. It was not a sex disappointment cry; my mom passed away in 2012 and I was sad I wouldn't be able to use her name. (Luckily I have smart friends who suggested I use her maiden name, thus Anthony's middle name became Boyer and Benjamin's middle name was Charles after my grandpa that passed away in 2010.)

ajsweeton

*** siggy warning ***



I don't have a lot of regrets from the hospital. I guess I was very lucky to deliver in a hospital that deals with infant death more often than others in the area and therefore did things that I never would have thought to do. The nurses took molds of their hands and feet and took pictures. They called NILMDTS and had them come in (even though the pictures I cherish the most are the ones my MIL took on her iPhone). They had bears and crocheted outfits for them so I was able to dress them. I was lucky in that.

The thing I really regret is listening to my dr when he wrote off the PTL symptoms I was having as normal pregnancy symptoms. I wish I had pressed harder to be checked. I wonder if everything could have been prevented if only I had been. I feel like I knew in the back of my mind something would happen.

I regret being sad to have 2 little boys for even the second I was disappointed. I so badly wanted girls that I wasn't completely thrilled right away and I feel so guilty about that.

I also regret that we had just picked out a name for Ryland 2 days before he was born. I feel like I didn't have time to bond with his name so sometimes I feel like I bonded more with Elliott. I feel so very guilty about this. Like I loved one boy over the other even though that wasn't the case. I just was used to calling Elliott by name so his name is what I think of first.

VyD81

Hugs ladies, I hope we can all eventually be at peace with the decision we made on the hardest day of our lives.

For me, I regret not taking picture of DH holding Raynor, and picture of all 3 of us together. I wish I stayed with him just a little bit longer, but I don't know how much time would ever be enough. 

My biggest regret was that we didn't contact the funeral home right away instead of trusting the hospital to send him to the funeral home that they normally deal with for cremation and send his ashes to the cemetery. We went to the cemetery 3 weeks later to pay for the stone etching where his ashes will be placed and found out that his ashes wasn't there. We went to the nearby funeral home for help and they called the hospital to find out that his body was still there in the morgue. They let my baby stayed in the cold room for 3 weeks, and I had to sign a new release letter for them to release him. I'm thankful to that funeral home, they got his body right away and I got his ashes in 2 days. This is also one of the reason why I switch OB, she's only associated with that hospital and I refuse to go back there again.

kz's_girlygirl

I just want to say my heart is with all of you.  I can't go there right now and think about regrets, because it might be a gate I can't close in time. 

tons of love and light to all of us