Foster-to-Adopt: It isn't all bad right?

MileHighMaam · March 2014

We have started our training for the adoption and I have to say it has been depressing. All they are talking about is how many issues the kids will have, how to look for signs of sexual abuse, they won't form an attachment, etc. I have to say it is a little overwhelming to hear all the negative. I could really use some positive stories to counter all the negatives that we are hearing.

bumpuser794640 · March 2014

There is a lot of negativity in foster care, just because of the situations that lead to foster care being necessary for those children. Of course it is not all bad! My BIL/SIL are on their third foster placement, and while they have had some struggles, it has been an overall positive experience. Their current placement (whom they are hoping to adopt) came from a horrible background of abuse, and will suffer lifelong consequences from that, as will her older siblings. It is unfortunate, but there are services out there to help with the ramifications, and being a foster family is an integral part of the system to help these kids heal.

[Deleted User] · March 2014

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MileHighMaam · March 2014

Thanks for the feedback. I realize there will be some bad but it just seems like that is all that is talked about. We received a packet of 120 pages to read for our training. The section on strategies for helping children and strategies for parenting was 2 pages! And the 2 pages were prettty worthless. I would think that more focus would be placed on strategies and how to help versus 110 pages of how to spot signs of abuse and the impact that drug use has on children.

KezziRiv · March 2014

MileHighMaam said:

The section on strategies for helping children and strategies for parenting was 2 pages! And the 2 pages were prettty worthless. I would think that more focus would be placed on strategies and how to help versus 110 pages of how to spot signs of abuse and the impact that drug use has on children.

My wife and I went through this same training and that is about the point where we realized it wasn't for us. So little attention seemed to be on the child, it just seemed to not really be about best interest.

That was our experience though and we haven't ruled it out for the distant future.

mtendere · March 2014

We are waiting for state approval for our foster care license, so we've been through most of the process. I don't think our training experience was as negative as yours, but there is a lot of focus on attachment and trauma. I think that part of the reason for that is that these are real issues in foster care and they don't want people to be blindsided. Also, they don't want people coming in with the illusion that these kids don't have real issues that will require some special skills and different parenting techniques. I think they get a fair number of folks who go into it thinking it's just a cheaper way to adopt and don't consider the bigger picture.

Obviously, we are still moving forward and feel like we are as prepared as we can be, though we know there are many unknowns in the process. I'd say to remember that training is largely mandated based on the most severe situations that have come up and to not allow that to deter you unless you are really unwilling to walk through any struggles. If you are concerned, talk to your licensing worker or other foster/adopt families in your area. That is where you will really find out what it's like and shod help you figure out if it's something you want to do.

mommytoconnor · March 2014

Unfortunately the nature of fostering is that these kids have been removed due to some sort of abuse or neglect so many of them will have issues. That's not to say these issues can't be worked thru. You have to understand and be open to the fact that the goal of fostering is re-unification with family. If you aren't open to this it won't work out for you emotionally. There are many situations that the child is not any of the above. My son's mom was a drug addict and voluntarily turned him over at 3 days old and never had contact. So yes he has some issues from drug exposure but not "abuse"

lilmufish · March 2014

We have been fostering since 2009. Our placements have been mixed. There are some placements that are very obvious that there has been trauma in the childrens' lives, and in some placements, the children just need a little TLC. There has been two placements, where DH and I have wondered if we're "capable" of giving the child the home they needed.

On the other hand, what we've found is harder to deal with is the caseworkers and the "team" We're great with kids, not so much the "team" because typically the team caters to the birth parent "rights" and not to what's in the best interest for the child. Example: The team believes it's better for a child who is behind in school and has alot of educational gaps to be pulled from school for parent-child visits, instead of doing it after school, or on the weekend because that's what's more convenient to the parent.

For us, what has helped, is being connected with OTHER foster families who are going through the same things. Their suggestions and support have been invaluable.

CaptainSerious · April 2014

MileHighMaam said:

We have started our training for the adoption and I have to say it has been depressing. All they are talking about is how many issues the kids will have, how to look for signs of sexual abuse, they won't form an attachment, etc. I have to say it is a little overwhelming to hear all the negative. I could really use some positive stories to counter all the negatives that we are hearing.

No, no, no, no, no! I really hope this isn't what they are teaching, because it's not true. Only children with the most severe forms of RAD will not form an attachment. Children in foster can may have "issues," but don't we all have some shit and baggage? They have earned theirs more profoundly than most adults, given the situations they have lived through. Urgh!

I get that foster care professionals are trying to prepare potential foster parents for the difficulties of being a foster parent, but scare tactics aren't the way to do it, and anyone who really sees foster children this way has been in the business too long and become really jaded.

I adopted two older children internationally, but they both experienced quite a bit of trauma and institutionalization, so in many respects they can be compared to foster children. Adopting/Fostering traumatized kids is hard. They have lived through some very difficult things, sometimes unspeakable hurts, sometimes things no person should have to live through, yet alone a child. They need loving, understanding parents who can help them heal. I didn't know how hard it would be to hear my son talk to me about incidents in his past and only be able to tell him that I'm sorry, that it shouldn't have happened to him, that the people who treated him that way were wrong, and that I wish I could take it away from him. I had no idea that I could love his first mother because he does, and continue to be angry at her while no longer hating her. It's not easy, but it's what these kids need.

Children in foster care will likely have difficulty attaching. That's not the same as saying they can't attach. It just means that they have difficulty trusting you will love them no matter what, and they would rather push you away than fall for you and have their heart broken when you send them away. Because, up until the point that they find their forever home, is the reality of their life. They are only protecting themselves, and it's no wonder. It's up to loving parents to show them that they can trust and build strong relationships and that they are lovable beyond all. You have to do more than your fair share to make this work, give them allowances to push you away and treat you horribly that you would never accept from anyone else, because they are testing you to see what it will take to make you break and give up on them. You cannot let them push you away, even when you are angry, hurt, and think they are lost to you forever, because then they will never trust you. But if you keep telling and showing them that you love them anyway, they will come around and start to believe you--usually just when you thing you've hit your breaking point. Let your commitment to them be the thing that keeps you from breaking; it was the only thing that got me through the worst of the attachment process. I just couldn't be another person who failed them. I couldn't be the final straw that broke their ability to trust forever, so I pulled them closer even while I felt like giving up. And I was rewarded with their trust and love.

It is the most amazing, rewarding thing in the world. My sons' love for me cannot be replaced by anything else. The fact that they trust me, despite what the world did to them. The fact that they know they can act out and still be loved by me. The fact that they feel safe confiding the most personal and scary events of their lives to me. It's a powerful and unreplicable thing. The good is so good, it is like nothing else.

Don't get discouraged. If you think you are able and willing to help heal a young heart and life--and it will likely be one of the hardest things you do--I can recommend many more appropriate books to help you through. The best book I found is Parenting the Hurt Child. Another great book that talks about how traumatized children affect families that take them in/adopt them is Wounded Children, Healing Homes: How Traumatized Children Impact Adoptive and Foster Families. It talks in the most honest terms about how families are impacted by the addition of hurt children.

Other recommendations for good books can be found in the FAQs here: https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12038758/faq-re-do-q3. I have a whole section on adopting older/traumatized kids.

Feel free to ask me any specific questions you may have. I'm pretty open about this stuff, because I think it's important that parents adopting older kids go into it with their eyes wide open, but knowing that there is hope, how to best parent and relate to these kids, and excited about the family they can build together.

CaptainSerious · April 2014

Also, despite all the trauma my kids have faced, their behaviors haven't been nearly as bad as those described in many of the readings. (For reference, M was adopted at age 7, and J at age 5). They acted out, tantrumed, and were defiant. They hit themselves, bang their heads, and pull their own hair; J picks at his lip and scratches himself. M "ran away" (always making sure we were following, but trying not to get caught as he ran through the neighborhood) and J peed in his room for a period of time. But they never did any of the more extreme stuff like hurt others, use poop as a weapon, etc.

Even though their behaviors were more mild than many of the examples/behaviors that are talked about in the foster world, their behaviors were completely in sync with the processes described in Parenting the Hurt Child and other similar books. The books read like manuals to understanding our kids.

By the way, holding never worked with our kids; it just made the problem worse. Letting them cry it out actually worked best, and then they'd get to a point where they wanted reassurance and soothing from us, and that's when we'd come in and let them know we'd love them forever, no matter what. Bad behavior is still consequences, so they aren't getting away with it; we just tell them we understand they made bad choices, but that doesn't change a thing about our love for them.

So, even though I say it will be difficult, I mean that from an emotional standpoint. It's draining, because you are giving so much of yourself to try to help them. You try not to blow up at them and to remain calm and remember that this is all a part of their process. It's not that all kids will act out and become dangerous to themselves an others or anything, but they will have a really tough time of adjusting to life in their new home and family, and the process will take it's toll on everyone in the household.

MileHighMaam · April 2014

@CaptainSerious Thank you so much for the detailed responses. It was very helpful.

We are definitely going into this with our eyes open and we know this isn't going to be all rosy but it was discouraging hearing mostly negative aspects and very little on the positive.

CaptainSerious · April 2014

I can imagine, and I hope you didn't get the impression that I was just adding to the difficulties perspective. I just see the two as inseparable. My kids are so amazing, in a large part, because of their pasts. It has formed them into the brave, resilient, forgiving, loving, overwhelmingly strong boys that they are. I see signs of their struggles in all their triumphs, but that makes those successes ever the more glorious.

Stephy129 · April 2014

lilmufish said:

On the other hand, what we've found is harder to deal with is the caseworkers and the "team" We're great with kids, not so much the "team" because typically the team caters to the birth parent "rights" and not to what's in the best interest for the child. Example: The team believes it's better for a child who is behind in school and has alot of educational gaps to be pulled from school for parent-child visits, instead of doing it after school, or on the weekend because that's what's more convenient to the parent.

For us, what has helped, is being connected with OTHER foster families who are going through the same things. Their suggestions and support have been invaluable.

This is similar to our experience (though we haven't been fostering as long). Our frustration is with "the system." We haven't seen too much of the agency looking out for the parents over the kids but rather the agency over the kids, ex: canceling visits because there was a BBQ for caseworkers that day, or not assigning caseworkers because the case doesn't "fit" any preset mold.

Kids in care will inevitably have had different experiences and some may have things they need to work through that manifest in a way that might seem that you can't handle. That's totally normal and everyone goes through it.

Our current placement is such a sweet boy and we have had no problems other than typical stuff our bio gets in trouble for all the time too! I promise it is so worth it but I also caution going forward if you aren't sure because even though our placement is great this has not been easy and it is a lot of work. Hope this helped and didn't confuse you more.

mysticl · April 2014

I used to work in therapeutic foster care. I was a case manager, I did home studies, I trained foster parents and staff, I was a mentor, I did quality assurance and compliance work. We did spend a lot of time emphasizing the bad in training. We did that because we needed the parents to understand us. We had several instances of people just not believing that children could behave that way or thought that as long as they loved the child everything would be sunshine and rainbows. That is devastating to a placement when the parent realizes what it's really like. Look at it this way, they are preparing you for the worst so the good stuff will be a pleasant surprise.

ETA: When it works out it is a beautiful thing.

ejrobbi · April 2014

This is all so helpful, we have decided to move forward with fostering. We start training this weekend, and our lic worker is coming by on Friday. I am very nervous but I truly feel in my heart we are ready for this. While we do hope to adopt out of this, we know that the law/state's ultimate goal is to reunite families. Our time will come.

ctbride08 · April 2014

We fostered for 2.5 year before adopting our foster sib group of 3. It was hard. There were some days so dark, I wasn't quite sure when we'd find the light. But you just do it...one day falls into the next and the glimmers of hope get you through each rough patch that comes. Hard, but worth it.

The joy. The pride. The solidification of faith. You just can't put it into words. So, so worth it.

We just celebrated our 2 year adoption anniversary and life is bright!!

lorifromwi · April 2014

@ctbride08 what a beautiful family you have!

ejrobbi · April 2014

@ctbride08 thank you for your post - so real and encouraging.

MileHighMaam · April 2014

This has all been so helpful. I appreciate the insight that everybody provided. I know this isn't going to be easy, but nobody ever said that being a parent was easy. I am looking forward to taking on this challenge.

ejrobbi · April 2014

I completely agree @MileHighMaam .. it's not going to be easy but it will be worth it... and whether we adopt or not, we are helping these foster children and that is what really matters.

fernane · April 2014

it probably seems all negative because its so important to train foster and adoptive parents on very real situations they could face. Just as heartbreaking as the situations the children come from is when parents haven't been adequately trained/informed to handle such issues and the kids end up bouncing from home to home when they shouldn't have to.

I worked 3 years as a case worker before becoming a F/AD parent, so nothing in training was really new to me, but I know a lot of parents who didn't have previous experience with abuse or the system were so taken by surprise and we lost about half the class. I think that's a good thing, though..better to go through everything and be educated on all possibilities than be unprepared and cause your family and the children more harm than good.

That being said, We have fostered for a year now, and because we wanted our age range to fall below our bio son, who was only 18 months at the time, we have only had 2 very young kids. One was 22 months and awesome, and our current placement we got at birth, have had 8 months, and is just perfect.

No matter what happens, its definitely an emotional rollercoaster but one that is so worth the ride. Good Luck!

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