Need you to weigh in - sahm vs working

Lelo2006 · March 2014

I am really struggling right now. I'm trying to figure out if I should go back to work. Just wanted some people to weigh in on what it's like.

I have two opportunities right now that will definitely not come up again. Childcare is so expensive here that we've pretty much determined that I would be working to pay the nanny until he goes to school. So I'd be netting bonus (substantial) & benefits, along with the fulfillment of working.

I just don't know what to do. I change my mind multiple times a day. Being home is very difficult, but I am afraid that I would miss him so
much, being away for 10 hours a day.

Part time isn't an option.

Please help. I know I am the only one who can make this desicion. I just need to hear from other moms who have btdt.

Thanks!

martyn17 · March 2014

I work full time, and I wish I had the option of part time. I miss being home way more than I anticipated.

Its important to me (financially and professionally) to work, but two days a week Tess is in daycare for 8+ hours and three days a week Tess is in daycare 9+ hours. I miss her a lot. I also struggle to keep up with the house stuff. I know this would be hard no matter what, but when I only get to spend time with her on weekends, it makes it even harder to try to get chores done or get alone time or exercise or hire a babysitter and get a date night in. Its hard. Harder than I thought it would be.

Honestly, I'm 100% sure its hard both ways. Being a mom is hard. Even if your paycheck just goes to the nanny, you're also investing in yourself and in your career to be able to do more and advance further in the future. I like staying current in my field, working hard during the day, having lunch with coworkers.... there are things about working that I enjoy. I think I would get restless if I was home all day. Also, most of my friends aren't parents and I feel like I wouldn't have as much to bring to the conversation. I might feel differently if I had more adults in my life who were at home with their kids during the day that I could get together with.

But I think I would ideally like to be part time until Tess starts school. Or have summers off, or something like that. But right now, that's not an option.

TL/DR: This is totally getting rambling and I'm sure I haven't mentioned anything you haven't already thought of. So.... good luck! Its a hard decision, but you're not stuck. You can always change your mind either way.

Lelo2006 · March 2014

ramy3695 said:
Will you look back and regret not working?

Or

Will you look back and regret not staying home?

I have thought about this many times. I'm definitely worried about getting to a point in my life where all the kids are in school and I'm just totally bored.

I

Mommy1stTimer · March 2014

This does seem like such an individual, personality thing. But since you asked for input, I'll put my 2 cents. I work full time as a teacher. I get a tiny tiny, minuscule glimpse into staying at home on my long breaks. For me, if I had the chance, I would be at SAHM. Man does it have to be one of the hardest, stressful, most exhausting & insanely difficult jobs there is. But for me, the rewards could not be beat.

DenverBride2005 · March 2014

For me, I wish I could find something that was part time (at least until both boys were in school full-time)--I think that would be the perfect happy medium where I would be able to spend more time with the boys, but also have something fulfilling for myself and adult interaction.

But it has never really been an option unless DH were to get a pretty big raise (not happening anytime soon), since I make a bit more than him when sales commissions are figured in. We also have amazing benefits with my company that would be very tough to give up.

I think the transition from SAHM to WOHM is a tough one, but everyone adjusts eventually. I agree with Lizabethann, if these opportunities are too good to pass up, you may want to take advantage and if it's too tough, there's no reason why you couldn't go back to SAHM.

PrimRoseMama · March 2014

How much $? Would it be enough to make the nanny & then some?

[Deleted User] · March 2014

Wow. That's a really difficult decision. I've dreamed of being a SAHM daily over the past 9 months and miss DS a ton. But, I honestly think I'm able to maintain my sanity by working. I'm much more organized and feel like I have it together more at work. I also think I'm able to recharge and be a better mom. I definitely didn't feel like that until I was back to work for a least 2-3 months. My ideal world would involve me working part-time, but that will never work out financially for us. I know that part-time isn't an option, but what about working 4 10's or a more flexible schedule?

Finding the right babysitter/ day care situation can make a huge difference as well. We had a few babysitters at first that weren't the best fit and I was a nervous wreck. I finally found someone who is fabulous and it's been a life changer. DS has a better schedule and is very happy too! Good luck with whatever you choose!

valstulas · March 2014

That's a tough decision. If you guys are doing fine without the money, take the money consideration out of the decision all together.

If you decide to go back to work, it is going to be a major period of adjustment. You may end up hating it at first, so be prepared to give it time while you adjust.

I find working outside the home to be extremely fulfilling. Of course for us it's a financial necessity, but if it were not, I'd still want to do it. It's always been my opinion that it is just as hard to be a SAHM as it is a WM. The challenges just vary.

If you are in a place where you feel like you need (for your mental health) to go back to work, I say give it a try. You will miss James, but it's not always about the quantity of time you spend with him. If you are in a better spot from working, it can enhance the quality if time you spend with him greatly.

Lelo2006 · March 2014

PrimRoseMama said:
How much $? Would it be enough to make the nanny & then some?

I calculated that a nanny will cost approx. $36k a year. If my base salary is around $80k, that is pretty close to my entire salary, post taxes. I imagine that my bonus would be between $20-30k.

James won't be with a nanny forever, though; I think at a certain point we will put him in daycare (maybe 18 months?) which is a lot less expensive. Eventually he will go to school, which will be free.

My apologies for the outright disclosure of finances, but it really does put things in perspective...

chiboo9 · March 2014

I agree on what PP's have mentioned. LO is with our babysitter 11 hours each day and I miss her like crazy. But I do enjoy working and it's a boost to my self worth, which makes me a happy and content individual. Which in turn makes me enjoy motherhood so much more. I hope that makes sense.

I'd say give the WM a go and see how it works out for you. Like PP's said, you can always go back to being a SAHM if it doesn't work well. My thing is I'd rather give something a try and find out, rather than not trying it and always thinking how it would've worked out.

[Deleted User] · March 2014

I agree with what @lizabethann06 said, it's so individual.

But... I'd stay home, that's just my opinion. I can't imagine being away from my LO, but some people can't imagine being home all day, either. I think it's a tough decision but I know what my decision would be without even really having to think about it. So, for me it's an easy decision.

I think you should do what you think would make you happiest and if you end up taking one of the jobs and not liking it and longing to be a SAHM you could always quit?

Good luck Lelo

KikiCohen · March 2014

I SAH with P and although I would like to say I never regret it, sometimes I do miss my job. I worked seasonally at a summer camp and it was very rewarding. I almost was on the track to go back this summer, but honestly the thought of being away from P all day was too much.

redrocksmama · March 2014

My situation is a little unique because I work from home full time. We have a nanny so I can see DS anytime I choose to walk out of my office. However, after paying the nanny, I'm basically working for the benefits. The 3 of us are on my health insurance plan because the plan through H's job is outrageously expensive. So after the childcare expense, I'm only bringing home about $500 + insurance. I get annoyed that I'm putting in so much time/effort for so little take home pay and insurance (and I'm not missing out on seeing LO). If I was working outside the home with the same financial situation, it would not be worth it to me. I like my job too and get a lot of fulfillment from it on most days.

That said, I do agree with pp's saying you can always quit. Then you wouldn't wonder what it's like. I think if you did start working, you'd probably need a good 2-3 months though before you were in a solid routine and know if it was working for you or not. Good luck and keep us posted with your decision!

Dani428 · March 2014

I don't envy you - this is a tough decision. I can only speak from personal experience. I feel like I'm being a better mom now that I'm back at work. Certain little things used to get under my skin or frustrated me when I was home...but now they just don't bother me because I value my time home with her so much. Also, as far as finances, we wouldn't be able to live where we are if I didn't work, and the school system and location are really going to be a benefit for her in the future - so the sacrifice right now will pay off for our family later on (hopefully). When I first went back to work it was VERY hard emotionally, but eventually it all evened out.

Question. If let's say after 3 months you realize it wasn't the right move for you, could you quit and go back to what you had before?

thegoodpotato · March 2014

You know, I'm not going to weigh in on the SAH vs Working thing too much, because I think a lot of people have great advice, and it really is individual. So I guess the major points to think about are:

1. Are you comfortable financially with just your H's income and benefits?

2. Do you ENJOY being at home with the baby? Are you One and Done?

3. What about being back at work is alluring? Is it time being alone, having recognition for your work, the social aspect of being with your peers?

4. If you are out of your field of work for a few years, will you have to recertify?

What I will say is that I found the real fun started once Marnie hit one year. She started walking, she started to REALLY have a personality, and she started understanding things like making jokes. Babies, while we love them when they're babies, only really start being a lot of fun after one year (at least in my opinion).

Of course, my return to work is a bit "tainted", but I had to commute a really long way, and I had 12 hour days away from my baby (for a 7 hour work day). It was a really, really hard adjustment. I saw her first steps on a video my sister sent me.

In a perfect world, personally, I would probably stay home with the kids. Unfortunately, my DH doesn't make enough (even as an engineer, sigh) for us to make ends meet on one income. I would love to be home with my kids full time.

Hilaboo86 · March 2014

I'd kill to be at home. All day everyday. But then again the grass is always greener. If we could afford it I would be home.

Good luck with your decision! And congrats on the offers!

rondokye · March 2014

Is giving it a shot, and then if it doesn't work out, going back to a SAHM an option?

Its such a difficult decision. Before I went out on maternity leave, I was able to negotiate working form home two days a week. Its tough but I knew that I wouldn't be able to handle my commute (an hour plus each way) five days a week. But I am looking at opportunities closer to home - but that will mean going back to five days a week. It makes me sad...but if the right opportunity came along, I'd do it. And it would probably mean working to pay for daycare. I have so much respect for those that do stay home full time. I really don't think that I would be able to manage it.

MRads · March 2014

If I could afford a nanny and/or house cleaner, I think it would make my life as a wm easier. It would cut an hour off of commute times per day and having somebody do some cleaning would save me hours that I could use to spend with my kid.

Only you can decide what will make you more fulfilled, but if you have the means to hire help, I would. I don't mind being away from my kid 10 hours a day. I mean, I do, but it would be easier if I didn't feel like I had to spend the time we did have together cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, doing bottle prep, etc.

Stina2012 · March 2014

My job blows on many days. And being a SAHM did blow on several days as well. But I had fewer days that blew when I was SAHM. But, my work is very project specific so my work circumstances change every 6 months or so which means my work circumstances may not always blow. Unfortunately, they have blown for the past two years!

So, I would SAHM. But that is me and my situation.

Clyde013 · March 2014

You've gotten some good advice from pp and I agree it's individual. I'm home with Eva for a year and our situation is different bc DH works from home so we are all home. I've toyed with the idea of not going back to my current job (which has more pros than cons) and with looking for another job (which I've done and am getting some offers -none are perfect of course). For me I need to work. I need interaction and I'm a lot more organized when I work. Being home this long has been great and I love it BUT the days all blend and this week is the same as last week and last month etc. for me I just need some variety. Home a bit, work a bit, etc.

I hope you do what's right for you and your family.

Lelo2006 · March 2014

Stina2012 said:
My job blows on many days. And being a SAHM did blow on several days as well. But I had fewer days that blew when I was SAHM. But, my work is very project specific so my work circumstances change every 6 months or so which means my work circumstances may not always blow. Unfortunately, they have blown for the past two years!

So, I would SAHM. But that is me and my situation.

Very interesting. Thank you for your perspective. I assumed that there was no way you would want to be a sahm, but I'm just basing this on a few days where Riley was being a nap ninja.

geoffandjen728 · March 2014

I went with both. I gave up my position as a reading specialist and now nanny four days a week and tutor a struggling reader on Saturday mornings. I bring my DD along for my nanny job. The kids are 15 months and 2.5 so I've got my hands full but I love it.
Maybe something like that could work for you? Not many families are open to a nanny bringing their own child(ren) but there are some out there.
Best of both worlds. I get to spend my days with my LO and still get a bit of a paycheck to pay my school loans. It just stinks that during times like right now when all three kids are sleeping, I can't get my chores done or nap.

geoffandjen728 · March 2014

I love what you said @lizabethann06‌ especially the part about what you decide doesn't need to be a forever decision.
Becoming a mom sure does make me ask "ok who am I now?" And "who will I tomorrow?" I'm very comforted by the fact that all of the things that define me right now don't always have to. Next year I might decide to go back to a teaching job or maybe I will be able to be a true SAHM.

Anyway, didn't mean to post two rambling blogs! Sorry! No sleep equals mush for brains.... Good luck with your decision!

LauraB1016 · March 2014

What a tough decision. PP gave a lot of good advice. I think you could give it a try and if working isn't your thing you could quit and stay home. Also like someone else mentioned if you didn't work is your career something you could jump back into when the kids went to school full time. If I was out of my job for five plus years I would have a difficult time finding a new job.

Pink724 · March 2014

Others have given you great advice. I have struggled with this, as well. Here are the things that made me decide that SAH was ultimately right for me (I would be going back to teaching):

(a) my salary would go almost 100% to childcare.

(b) my commute would be at least two hours total a day.

(c) my job is not a 9-5... too much else is required and I would end up working the usual 7:30-3:30, then at least a couple of hours after she went to bed. There are also all of the faculty meetings, conferences, etc. that are just extra time and effort.

(d) I feel that, personally, I couldn't give 100% to my job now that I have Lillian. To do that, I worked my ass off almost 24/7 and that just won't happen now.

(e) I am fortunate enough to tutor four students so I still have the opportunity to get out of the apartment, do some high level math, and work with kids for a few hours. It also gives me good spending money!

(f) I am hoping to get pregnant during what would be the next school year, so would want to take the following year off - it doesn't make sense to leave for a year, come back for a year, leave for a year, etc... not fair to the students or other teachers.

(g) I think I would just miss her too damn much.

Anyways, good luck with your decision! No one else can make it for you but I know it helps to have some people chiming in.

fabk · March 2014

I am kind of in a similar situation. I loved my old job and if we hadn't moved it would have made going back to work easier.
I love being home with Alex. I can't even fathom not seeing him for a few hours let alone all day. I know I could and we would both survive but it seems crazy right now.

So late this summer/early fall l will look for something part time. If I can work2-3 days a week l think l will be okay. I like having my own money. We could afford me to stay home but we like our lifestyle too much to give up all of my income.
But if I could stay home I would.
Good luck with whatever decision you make.

crash916 · March 2014

I am a full time working mom. I have to work for both the money and the benefits. I would recommend trying working if you want since you do have the option of staying at home.

I would prefer to do part time or SAH but it doesn't work for our family right now. Hopefully someday it will be possible.

Stina2012 · March 2014

Lelo2006 said:

My job blows on many days. And being a SAHM did blow on several days as well. But I had fewer days that blew when I was SAHM. But, my work is very project specific so my work circumstances change every 6 months or so which means my work circumstances may not always blow. Unfortunately, they have blown for the past two years!

So, I would SAHM. But that is me and my situation.
Very interesting. Thank you for your perspective. I assumed that there was no way you would want to be a sahm, but I'm just basing this on a few days where Riley was being a nap ninja.

I mean, I know...right? I wish I could go back and tell myself the naps will work themselves out and to feed her a bottle once a day. I'm pretty damn sure everyone gave me that advice when I was freaking out! Ohhhh hindsight!

Keep in mind that my Type A personality FREAKS out to deal with stuff. And then I move on. I had a good schedule of Gymboree on M, Yoga on W and Storytime on F. If she could be like she is now in the car and with her napping then I would totally SAHM.

The grass is also often greener. But we're sleeping better overall, car rides aren't scream fests and she will actually nap in her crib now. So, literally, baby steps.

Stina2012 · March 2014

Oh, I also had a moment of baby fever the other day. It was brief, but strong! Though we won't TTC until after Riley turns 2. I want to continue enjoying her more and we would be broke with DC.

weaslewam · March 2014

I agree with PP's... I am so torn most days. I actually really love my job and I know in the long run I'm going to be doing the best for my kids because even though I'm basically breaking even too - I know that my paycheck will also contribute towards social security when I'm older. Plus I can save in my Roth IRA which I believe you need to earn the money that year in order for you to save it in a tax sheltered account (correct me if I'm wrong).

Plus in my case, the benefits I get are much better than my husbands. I like to say he brings home the benjamins but I bring home the benefits.

I am glad that I'm a working mom, but I wish that I could stay at home too. Those ladies are lucky. That's probably why I have to keep reminding myself of the reasons above why I work.

blairwitch · March 2014

I have done both...but I had the luxury you could say of taking her with me to work. I was working at a daycare center so she was there too. While I wasnt with her all day...I had the chance to see her and check on her. And if she was sick or hurt she could come to me. Same for when she got in trouble

While I missed being home and hanging out with her all day, we both needed the social interaction. And when I got to the point of no longer wanting to be there I stopped. She was also hitting that point of having more rough days. We got a year off together then before she started school.

I think being where the costs are a lot higher would have made things a lot harder to decide. Around here $180/wk for an infant in a group center is considered outrageous

emmanemm · March 2014

Such a tough decision. I have nothing to add that pp's haven't already said. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts as you make your decision. Good luck!

Caitable25 · March 2014

Such a tough decision! Personally I would love to have the option to stay at home and freelance/do contract work, but I also love having an office and being around other adults. I'm home 2 days a week and it's the perfect balance - though tough trying to work with LO but worth it.

My BIL just got a job that essentially just paying for their daycare. He had been home with the baby for almost 2 years and wanted a change. I think it will be worth it for him and my sister - despite not really bringing in more income, he is happier to be working outside the home.

I am sure whatever decision you make will be the right one for you. And as PPs said you could always change your mind if it's not working. Good luck!!

Lelo2006 · April 2014

Alicia0817 said:
Check out the working moms board, there are lots of threads about this.
Also, with a base salary of $80k and a nanny of $36k you're saying you pay OVER 50% of your salary to taxes each year, which doesn't seem right at all.

Anyway, the bigs things I consider are being able to renter the workforce if you quit and change your mind, building up time off/pension (if applicable at your job) and social security benefits. Also, disability coverage, and if it changes the status of other health benefits for your family.

For me, personally, I need to work. Not for the money, but for me. I need out of the house and enjoy the 'break'. I can understand not wanting to miss the 'firsts', but if I miss her first word (for example), I'm sure she'll say it again (and again, and again, and again).

Sadly, it is true. Our tax rate is in the high 30s, then add a 10% ca state tax, and it comes out to about 50%.

So 36x2=72... 80-72=$8k, about 5k after taxes, or $400 a month. Taxes are so fun to pay

.

hollandmama · April 2014

Lelo2006 said:

Will you look back and regret not working? Or Will you look back and regret not staying home?
I have thought about this many times. I'm definitely worried about getting to a point in my life where all the kids are in school and I'm just totally bored. I

Wouldn't it be an option to wait until they go to school and then you go back to work? My mom did that, she didn't find her dream job but she is pretty happy with it. She SAH for around 12 years until my little sis was "old enough" and then she started working as a high school teacher.

My situation is different because I work 3 days a week (I'm away 10.5 hours those days) but then I have 4 full days with G. However, if you ask me, I would not work full-time... I've even thought that if my boss asks me to come back full-time I will tell him it's either part-time or I quit (DH earns enough for us and we live a very very simple life, no cinema, no restaurants, no car... we only spend in traveling). I definitely can't handle so many days without LO.

I hope you can make up your mind... would it be a problem to start working and if you don't like it you just quit? I mean, would you be damaging your professional network?

queenbone · April 2014

I feel very fortunate that I am able to be a homemaker. It was what I always wanted to do ultimately, and fortunately it did suit my personality. (I was a little worried in the beginning after I quit my job, what if I hate this and I've made a huge mistake? Will they take me back?)

I would not be as patient as I am able to be with my children if I also had to get myself to work and meet the needs of my clients. I'm not sure how many children you hope to have, but I am very busy just getting them all around to places, and the older they get, the more places they need to be. Factor in a child with a disability and you have more apts to make. And the required volunteer hours that are required with school! (Did you know the 11th Commandment is 'Thou shalt volunteer'?) And we haven't really gotten into regular homework yet...

I'm not worried about re-entering the work force in the future, my mother went back to school and got her master's in school psych when I was in jr. high, so I know it can be done. But I also know the amount of work it takes too. She got a good position after she graduated and did very well for herself and is retiring in a few months at the age of 61, which isn't too bad considering her 'late' start. She will be very comfortable considering she is a widow and only has one income now.

jemasa33 · April 2014

Child care is expensive but fyi you can get some of it back on your taxes. I can't remember the exact amount but I got back about 1500 of the 7500 I paid.

Good luck with your decision!

dliz87 · April 2014

Stayed home with DS until he was about 10 months old. It was wonderful time for the two of us and I am really glad I had it. When I first went back to work, it was tough, but working makes me happy and I just wouldn't be as "fulfilled" staying home (now with 2 kids) all day. The other part of it was that I really wanted DS to go to daycare (at least part time) and we couldn't afford that if I was home. Now that DS is 3, I know we made the right choice by putting him in school. I don't have training as a early ed teacher and certainly don't imagine myself exposing him to everything he gets at school.

I think everything is about balance. You need to find what works for you

GL with the decision.

Lelo2006 · April 2014

NKaeding said:

Sadly, it is true. Our tax rate is in the high 30s, then add a 10% ca state tax, and it comes out to about 50%.

So 36x2=72... 80-72=$8k, about 5k after taxes, or $400 a month. Taxes are so fun to pay .

That calculation doesn't seem right. Your tax rates might be at one of the 30% brackets, but that is on the marginal dollar, not your entire income.

(Unless you're assuming that your entire income is taxes at that rate because DH's alone gets you to that rate, meaning his income is 228+ (Fed) and 500k (Cal) which is possible.)

Additionally, why double the nanny cost? Even if you want to assumeyou'd pay 50% in taxes, it'd be 50% of $80k not doubling the nanny.

Without going into too much detail... My salary would be nearly depleted. If the nanny cost $36k a year (and that doesn't even count overtime) and my take home salary is $40-45k after taxes, not sure the difference is worth much?

But definitely when he goes to school it would be worth it, since that's free! I definitely can go back to work later, but just not w the same opportunities.

Thank you so much to everyone for your weigh-in!

Lelo2006 · April 2014

mystererae said:
But weren't you planning on spacing kids 5 years - so when he goes to free kinder or 1st you'd be KTFU?

Haha. Probably not that long! Maybe more like 2.5... But yes, excellent point.

Although with the way he had been sleeping the last 5 nights, he was going to be an only child

.

Last night he was back to one wake up, so might have a sibling after all

.

je2161 · April 2014

I'm a SAHM and honestly, it's one of the hardest decisions I've ever faced. I spent a lot of time and effort in college and sometimes I want to be able to use my degrees more directly. I figure they're only this young once and I can always go back to work and/or go back to school. For now, I'm content. But sometimes I do second guess myself.

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