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Postpartum Depression
SamJustice
member
My Intro
SamJustice
member
For starters, I'm 23 and I have a 2.5 year old and an almost 8 week old. I have a very long history of depression, mostly due to extreme bullying in school and physical and mental abuse from my mother.
For the last couple of weeks, my "baby blues" has deepened and taken very dark turns. I tried contacting my OB's office and they keep blowing me off. They say they will get some one to call me to set up an appointment and I've never received a single call back, no matter how many times I try to explain the severity. I now have an appointment for Friday to talk to a therapist outside of the hospital. The receptionist was so kind and seemed to understand my urgency it made me cry.
What started as simple crying spells late at night soon turned into thoughts of "My kids would be better off without me" (this is when I made my first call). It has just been getting worse and worse. DH has told me that I will completely space out crying for half an hour. I've broken down in the shower. I feel worthless and disgusting. I can't look at myself in the mirror. Every time I do, I just see myself breaking it and using the pieces to slash my throat. I cry myself to sleep and dream of how I could kill myself. I honestly have no idea how much longer I can keep myself from doing anything. It's exhausting to have to work so hard to keep myself safe.
I absolutely refuse to bathe or medicate my kids unless some one is home with me. So far, I haven't thought of harming them, but I am terrified that I will lose myself and do something horrible. My two year old has been acting monstrously and I find myself screaming at him almost all day. I have no patience or energy. I often lock myself in the bathroom to calm myself. I am afraid I might hit him like my mother often did to me.
I am so scared. And tired. DH is supportive and tries really hard to understand and help. But he just started his high stress, high paying dream job. I don't want him to worry or do anything to make him lose it, so I don't share everything with him.
Sorry this got very long winded. Regarding my appointment on Friday, is there anything I should do or bring? I was thinking of having DH write a list of symptoms or odd behaviors he has noticed in me.
For the last couple of weeks, my "baby blues" has deepened and taken very dark turns. I tried contacting my OB's office and they keep blowing me off. They say they will get some one to call me to set up an appointment and I've never received a single call back, no matter how many times I try to explain the severity. I now have an appointment for Friday to talk to a therapist outside of the hospital. The receptionist was so kind and seemed to understand my urgency it made me cry.
What started as simple crying spells late at night soon turned into thoughts of "My kids would be better off without me" (this is when I made my first call). It has just been getting worse and worse. DH has told me that I will completely space out crying for half an hour. I've broken down in the shower. I feel worthless and disgusting. I can't look at myself in the mirror. Every time I do, I just see myself breaking it and using the pieces to slash my throat. I cry myself to sleep and dream of how I could kill myself. I honestly have no idea how much longer I can keep myself from doing anything. It's exhausting to have to work so hard to keep myself safe.
I absolutely refuse to bathe or medicate my kids unless some one is home with me. So far, I haven't thought of harming them, but I am terrified that I will lose myself and do something horrible. My two year old has been acting monstrously and I find myself screaming at him almost all day. I have no patience or energy. I often lock myself in the bathroom to calm myself. I am afraid I might hit him like my mother often did to me.
I am so scared. And tired. DH is supportive and tries really hard to understand and help. But he just started his high stress, high paying dream job. I don't want him to worry or do anything to make him lose it, so I don't share everything with him.
Sorry this got very long winded. Regarding my appointment on Friday, is there anything I should do or bring? I was thinking of having DH write a list of symptoms or odd behaviors he has noticed in me.
February 19, 2010- BFP!
March 14, 2010- M/C
January 17, 2011- BFP!
April 26th, 2011- It's a boy! Due September 20, 2011
May 2, 2011- Confirmed Gastroschisis
August 7, 2011- Labor begins
August 12, 2011- Max is born
October 4, 2011- Max comes home!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: My Intro
Check out my blog: http://blondheimtwins.blogspot.com/
It angers me that your OBs office did that to you. And it breaks my heart that you're feeling this way
How did your appointment this last Friday go??
Fingers crosses today helps out.