Smokers in the Family

Lizbeth2462 · March 2014

A little backstory here...

My MIL is a very heavy smoker. FIL used to smoke but quit about 4 years ago and has heart disease. I don't like to stay overnight in their house because the next morning my throat is scratchy, my hair smells like smoke until I've washed it at least twice, and all of our clothes catch the scent too. We have had some issues with her smoking at our house too-- we have had to tell her several times to open the garage door if she smokes in there but she often "forgets" and it all leaks back into the house when she comes in.

H and I have had conversations about when we have a baby, and how we will handle visiting his parents when our kids are young. All the research out there blasts the dangers of second and third-hand smoke for infants and children, but at the same time- how can we tell grandma and grandpa that their grandkids won't be visiting them?

My SIL is also a smoker, although not as heavily as her mom. She was down visiting us last weekend and H made a comment saying that when we have kids, she should know that we aren't going to be bringing them around her when she is smoking and she'll need to take precautions when handling a baby. She basically lost her shit- complete hysterics, tears, etc. She even said, "well then I won't see your kids!"

I never want to upset anyone, especially family, but I feel strongly about this issue. After the way SIL reacted this weekend I feel it's something H and I should prepare for BEFORE we are pregnant so that when the time comes we know how we want to address it.

What are your thoughts? Does anyone else have smokers in the family? How do you plan to handle it (if at all)? Or are H and I just being total jerks and shouldn't care about the smoke? TIA!

mandolynn81 · March 2014

My mom is a heavy smoker in the house and lily has never been to her house, she has to come to ours and wash her hands. Dad is also a smoker but stepmom is not so he smokes outside and isn't on him like my mom, he still washed his hands and takes off his stinky coat. We waited until she came to address the issue and it went over just fine, I think if we would have done it before then there would be conflict, but because we told them when they were visiting with dd at our house they really couldn't resist her cute. And if they choose to not visit that is their own fault. And if your mil refuses to open the garage door then put your foot down. Don't let her smoke in there. Make her smoke outside. It's her habit.

Lizbeth2462 · March 2014

NellyBluth said:

I think you're putting the cart before the horse in telling people they can't be around your future children while they smoke.

FWIW, I agree with you on keeping it away from your kid. And there's nothing wrong with discussing it with your husband now, but it just seems like you're jumping the gun when it comes to other people.

I agree with you on the first part, and I would definitely not have brought it up to my SIL myself. We were talking about smoking in general and H made the comment sort of off-handed to his sister, but I was shocked by her reaction. It scared me a bit and got me thinking about how to handle it in the future. I don't plan on having any conversations about it with MIL or SIL until we are actually pregnant (which is hopefully soon), but it's something I want to be prepared for.

MrsMCBMar2014 · March 2014

You aren't being jerks at all. You can set rules - like if you're coming to visit, you can't smoke before holding the baby and if you smoke after holding the baby, you won't be able to hold the baby again. If they don't like it then they won't be allowed to come over. If they really want to see the baby, they'll follow the rules.

When my nephew was born, my brother and SIL had strict rules. If you are a smoker and are coming to visit, you would have to A) smoke outside - at the end of the driveway and/or on the screened in front porch (typically only during cold/wet weather) and

you would have to wash your hands thoroughly before handling the baby. Smokers were limited to holding the baby. Granted, my nephew has asthma now (at almost 4 years old) and they link it to their smoking - which they've cut back a serious amount (SILquit while she was pregnant and waited 6 months after he was born to have a cigarette and my brother cut back a ton during SIL's pregnancy, etc).

My H smokes and I occasionally (with multiple drinks) smoke. H is trying to cut back and will completely quit once I get pregnant.

cateyes543 · March 2014

We are in the same situation and plan on having convos with both our families regarding smoking and our children. Neither of us smoke so we do not want our children around it, but both or families do. If people jump off the deep end or say that can't respect our wishes, then we will respect theirs of not seeing our children. I don't think its a lot to ask of people to take precautions and have respect. You are well within your rights, you're the parents.

mscrumpet · March 2014

I'm answering this somewhat in the hypothetical as to what I'd tell anyone with familial conflict, whether it be being around meat-eaters when you are vegetarian or what have you.

I don't envision that I'd ever let my young kids stay at any heavy-smoker's house. I *might* consider it if it's a light-smoker's house, and they've agreed to smoke outside.

I think ultimately you have to do what makes you comfortable (your children, your priorities). At least in this respect, you get to choose into what environment you are placing your kids. Having said that, because these are family members, you have to be prepared to be patient with their frustration - even if why you have made your decision makes total sense (eg, cigarette smoke and asthma link), what they are 'hearing' is that you reject one of their lifestyle choices and therefore reject them. It's not what you meant, but it's how it comes across to them.

I'd keep repeating and being consistent with my message: you love the person, you do want them in your child's life, but you have rules for how that happens. Then present the rules, trying to find acceptable compromise whenever possible so it's about working together to find the best outcome for all involved.

Be prepared for non-cooperation. It may feel like they aren't expressing love for the grandchild if they aren't willing to follow your rules. Try to remember it's just that no one wants to hear how to live their life - unfortunately that's how it is if you say something like the child can't visit at their house if smoking is involved. (To develop empathy, I try envisioning someone telling me that I can't ever have pets in my house, if I want them ever to come over. It's not the same, but it's the closest thing I can think of.)

Good luck, I hope it goes well for you!

Snickerdoodle24 · March 2014

I went through this when DD was born. FIL used to be an (outdoor) smoker, and I told him he could only hold the baby if he either changed clothes and washed his hands or refrained from smoking that day until after our visit. He and MIL lost it and were mad at me for months. But, in the end, FIL quit smoking so it worked out well.

Now, MIL (different one, DH's parents are not married to each other) just moved in with a guy that smokes in their apartment, so DH has explained to her that we will not bring DD into that apt.

I do not apologize for my stance on this. To me, my child's health is far more important than accommodating the smokers in my family. DD had enough going on as an infant (hip dysplasia & plagiocephaly), I didn't want to do anything that could compromise her lungs as well.

Lizbeth2462 · March 2014

ScrappyLika said:

I was having this same worry about my MIL. She smokes in her small one bedroom apartment. I didn't even feel comfortable going there when I was pregnant, let alone whenever we have our take home baby. I mentioned it to DH and he said "We can't ask my mom to quit smoking in her house...it's her house. Unless our baby is actually there." I tried to explain that the smoke will still be everywhere in the house regardless if she didn't smoke in it that day.

This is the woman that tried to light up a cigarette in her house with me there, pregnant. It's definitely going to be a battle.

Ugh, I'm sorry @scrappylika. I feel like it's going to be really tough with my MIL too. She is fairly stubborn, and the way she views most things is pretty much "if I did it/do it, then it's okay." I'm sure she will say that she smoked throughout her two pregnancies and around her kids and they turned out just fine.... well yes, LUCKILY they did but the statistics don't lie. I'm also worried for when I get pregnant because of the relationship between second-hand smoke and losses, and especially for having it around a newborn because of the relationship with SIDS. The thing with my MIL is, she thinks that as soon as the cigarette is out the smoke is just magically all gone- or if she rolls down the car window it's fine, or if she smokes in the garage just outside the door into the house it's fine. She doesn't realize that it lingers and sticks to everything.

Thanks everybody for the awesome feedback. I'm not great with confrontation and I hate hurting people's feelings, but I think I'm going to have to figure out a way to be assertive about this. Someone said it might come off like you are attacking the person's lifestyle, which I think is how my SIL took it when H made the comment. It sounds like having clear rules and sticking to them is probably the easiest way, but I know we are in for a struggle with this.

Lizbeth2462 · March 2014

WhoCanItBeNow said:

Why in the fuck is she smoking in your garage? That never should have been allowed to start. Outside, 10 feet from the house just like any public building.

H owned the house before we met, and it's just been her way. Since we've been together and I have expressed my opinions about second hand smoke to him, H has asked her several times to open the garage door all the way and walk to the end of the garage. She'll do it for a few times that visit, but next time she comes it's back to old habits. It's really frustrating for me, but like I said I'm bad with confrontation (and even more so with her, since she bristles up really quickly). Something to work on, for sure.

trinitrotoluene · March 2014

My sister and her bf smoke a lot. The smell of cigarette smoke nauseates me, and I've been known to throw up when I'm around it for an extended period of time. That means that she knows I will not remain in an enclosed space with her if she's been smoking. Since I already have that in place, I think when I do have a baby, she will be expecting rules like that. DH and I have discussed it, and we also feel strongly about avoiding third hand smoke, so my sister will probably only be around our children at my parents' homes, and only after she has washed her hands...and hopefully is wearing smoke-free clothes.

Lizbeth2462 · March 2014

susienick24 said:

I went through this when DD was born. FIL used to be an (outdoor) smoker, and I told him he could only hold the baby if he either changed clothes and washed his hands or refrained from smoking that day until after our visit. He and MIL lost it and were mad at me for months. But, in the end, FIL quit smoking so it worked out well. Now, MIL (different one, DH's parents are not married to each other) just moved in with a guy that smokes in their apartment, so DH has explained to her that we will not bring DD into that apt. I do not apologize for my stance on this. To me, my child's health is far more important than accommodating the smokers in my family. DD had enough going on as an infant (hip dysplasia & plagiocephaly), I didn't want to do anything that could compromise her lungs as well.

Thanks for sharing, I'm sorry to hear that your DD had health problems as an infant- that must have been so scary. Glad she is better now!

That sounds like the kind of guidelines I'd want- only smoking outside, hands need to be washed and even clothes changed before holding the baby. I'm sure MIL and SIL are going to be mad about it. I can see it now, they come to visit in the hospital and we're telling them they have to change clothes... oh boy :-S .

Samby86 · March 2014

I am in the same boat. FIL and Step MIL both smoke like chimneys. Luckly they've always smoked outside their home, so their actually house is for the most part stink free. I've made it clear to my husband that I feel very uncomfortable having my future kids at their house or in their arms when they smell like smoke.

Both sets of my grandparents quit when I was born as my parents basically said she isn't coming over if you plan to continue smoking.

I'm worried about looking like the mean DIL as my S and BIL have three children and bring them around the smokers all the time.

There should be more commercials about the affects of 3rd hand smoke. It would make it less awkward for me to bring it up...

ladybug212 · March 2014

No, you are NOT being jerks about it.

Smoking around an infant/toddler/child, etc. can lead to respiratory issues!

I'm sorry that they aren't understanding about this issue and willing to make exceptions to their smoking when your children are around (such as something as simple as smoking outside)

divinemsbee · March 2014

Ugh. This is so hard for me. My dad has smoked, off-and-on, for over 40 years (he turns 60 this June, and has been smoking since he was a teenager). I love my father very very much. He's a fantastic dad, and he'll be a great grandpa, but he is addicted to nicotine and it hurts a lot to think about things like this.

He had some pretty major health problems at the end of last year and was smoke-free for about a month. It was a wake-up call. He had finally gotten to where he didn't even miss cigarettes, but there was a complication (he was quarantined in his house for suspected TB, awful) and he was stuck in a place and routine that he associated with smoking and he started back up (at a reduced rate, but still). He knows he has to quit. He wants to quit. I want him to quit. More than worrying about my, at this point hypothetical, babies, I worry that he's used up his luck and that he might not get to meet my babies, or be around long enough for them to remember him.

He smoked inside when my sibs and I were kids. There's really no excuse for that or why my mom (a health-nut non-smoker) put up with it. He smokes in his house and car. He knows I hate it, I refused to go to his house starting when I was 17 because I was so sick of it. I don't stay with him when I visit. Unless he stops smoking and has professional cleaners come in, my kids won't stay there. He is a reasonable man. He also knows smoking is a disgusting habit and he says so regularly. He's said it's the one thing us kids could do that would make him disappointed in us. So, I know that if he didn't quit, he would respect whatever boundaries I needed to put into place. He's also respectful and would never smoke inside someone else's home.

Sorry, this is a novel. I am hoping against hope that he quits soon. I'm also hoping that if/when I do get pregnant and the pregnancy progresses, I can talk to him about all of this and that it might be the push he needs if he can't quit for himself now. I will say that while I think about babies and smoke, it's not a conversation I'm going to have until there is a real possibility of a baby. For now I'm trying to get him to quit because he needs to quit permanently.

YaMrWhite · March 2014

My stepmom is a smoker (outdoors) and watches DD while I work. I made it very clear that she needs to wear something to cover up her regular clothes when she goes outside and she needs to wash her hands immediately after. She completely understood.

Lizbeth2462 · March 2014

WhoCanItBeNow said:

Lizbeth2462 said:

WhoCanItBeNow said:

Why in the fuck is she smoking in your garage? That never should have been allowed to start. Outside, 10 feet from the house just like any public building.

H owned the house before we met, and it's just been her way. Since we've been together and I have expressed my opinions about second hand smoke to him, H has asked her several times to open the garage door all the way and walk to the end of the garage. She'll do it for a few times that visit, but next time she comes it's back to old habits. It's really frustrating for me, but like I said I'm bad with confrontation (and even more so with her, since she bristles up really quickly). Something to work on, for sure.

Tell your husband to grow a pair and stand up for his family- aka YOU.

Haha! I don't know if would use that exact phrasing, per say, but I will put my foot down before their next visit. Last time we were all together he told her we had to ride in our car because theirs reeks of smoke, which was a step in the right direction. It's hard cause she just doesn't seem to *get it*.

Snickerdoodle24 · March 2014

Thanks @Lizbeth2462‌ yup she's perfectly fine now

fortunately both were just temporary issues that were able to be corrected after several months.

Good Luck with your conversations when the time comes!

Myamia91 · March 2014

This is absolutely within reason for you guys to be concerned and enforcing rules about. When I was pregnant with DD I started very early setting rules down with for her father and his side of the family. They for the most part are all pretty heavy smokers and smoked inside the house and cars. I told him that the baby was not allowed at any of their houses unless they compromised to not smoke inside atleast while she was over. I was a smoker and quit when found out pregnant so this may have helped them to atleast accept the rules whether they agreed or not. Unfortunately smokers tend to get offended because they take it as a personal thing sometimes. Just present it in the best way you can. They

hullabalou · March 2014

I'm lurking here from Nov 14...but this is going to be a huge issue for me. My mom is a pack a day smoker and she smokes in her house and in her car. It is going to be a battle for her to realize that the baby won't be spending time inside her house or vehicle unless she stops smoking in both and has them both professionally cleaned.

Pookieson · March 2014

I have a family of smokers. They all smoke outdoors. Now that DD is much older (7) I don't make anyone change clothes or anything...but they aren't really "holding her". When she was a baby they had to wash hands and change clothes.

Lizbeth2462 · March 2014

divinemsbee said:

Ugh. This is so hard for me. My dad has smoked, off-and-on, for over 40 years (he turns 60 this June, and has been smoking since he was a teenager). I love my father very very much. He's a fantastic dad, and he'll be a great grandpa, but he is addicted to nicotine and it hurts a lot to think about things like this.

He had some pretty major health problems at the end of last year and was smoke-free for about a month. It was a wake-up call. He had finally gotten to where he didn't even miss cigarettes, but there was a complication (he was quarantined in his house for suspected TB, awful) and he was stuck in a place and routine that he associated with smoking and he started back up (at a reduced rate, but still). He knows he has to quit. He wants to quit. I want him to quit. More than worrying about my, at this point hypothetical, babies, I worry that he's used up his luck and that he might not get to meet my babies, or be around long enough for them to remember him.

He smoked inside when my sibs and I were kids. There's really no excuse for that or why my mom (a health-nut non-smoker) put up with it. He smokes in his house and car. He knows I hate it, I refused to go to his house starting when I was 17 because I was so sick of it. I don't stay with him when I visit. Unless he stops smoking and has professional cleaners come in, my kids won't stay there. He is a reasonable man. He also knows smoking is a disgusting habit and he says so regularly. He's said it's the one thing us kids could do that would make him disappointed in us. So, I know that if he didn't quit, he would respect whatever boundaries I needed to put into place. He's also respectful and would never smoke inside someone else's home.

Sorry, this is a novel. I am hoping against hope that he quits soon. I'm also hoping that if/when I do get pregnant and the pregnancy progresses, I can talk to him about all of this and that it might be the push he needs if he can't quit for himself now. I will say that while I think about babies and smoke, it's not a conversation I'm going to have until there is a real possibility of a baby. For now I'm trying to get him to quit because he needs to quit permanently.

@divinemsbee I'm so sorry to hear about your father's health problems and smoking addiction. I truly hope that he can find a way to quit. If it's what he wants to do, I know a couple of people who had success with Chantix medication, but there can be some serious side effects so they need to be monitored by a doctor when taking it.

My MIL has also been smoking for over 40 years and I don't think she will ever, EVER want to or try to quit, no matter what. Her husband had a heart attack and is on all sorts of heart disease meds, but she still smokes around him. It's honestly like talking to a brick wall. So although I would love for her to stop for her own health and my FIL's health, I don't see that as a serious possibility. The most I will be able to hope for when/if we have children is that she will respect the rules that H and I come up with.

My SIL, on the other hand, is only 30 and has tried to stop before. She understands that it's really bad for her. It's part of the reason I was so taken aback at her reaction last weekend-- like she got so defensive and would choose a dangerous habit that she wants to break anyway over spending time with her potential future nieces/nephews?! I don't really understand. On a side note, my MIL is completely fine with her daughter smoking- they take their cig breaks together when they're visiting. Sigh.

snooks721 · March 2014

Both of DH's parents are heavy, heavy smokers. The smoke inside their small apartment and my FIL smokes 3 packs a day (no joke). So I'm sure you can imagine how smelly it is when we go over there.

I do worry about our future children and offending my IL's if I say I don't want to bring our children over there. I know my MIL will understand completely but my FIL is very stubborn. He brags about feeding DH a bottle with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. I mean, I know times were different back then and they didn't worry about smoking as much. But it is a legitimate concern of mine.

I guess we'll deal with it when the time comes.

MAdams728 · March 2014

Baby's health comes first, every time. My parents were smokers when I was growing up, and the smell has always made me sick. Instant headache. I rarely partied or went to bars when I was younger because of that.

Luckily, none of our friends or family smoke anymore, except for one person. A cousin that we only see every few months. She smokes like a chimney and then douses herself in perfume. When DD was about 5 months old, she met her for the first time, and I refused to allow her to hold her. I was polite, but I was clear on my reasonings. I made her cry. I felt bad, but oh well. DD is now 10 months old and she still has not held her.

mommy2C · March 2014

My in laws smoke a few cigarettes each per day but they both smoke outside and wash their hands etc. when they are done. Neither of them smell like smoke at all and and their house doesn't smell of it because they keep it outside. I don't have any issues with them handling my daughter and they have actually cared for her on their own many times. I think if they smelled like smoke etc. I would have a bigger problem with it.

ngolimento · March 2014

I'm in the same boat as OP. My MIL and FIL are chimneys, and still think they get to babysit for us. Nope.

I'm not looking forward to the convos, but I'll be goddamned if I'll expose any infant to that, much less my own.

Also, it has the side effect of protecting my kids from my FIL, who has the personality of a sewer on fire. I'll be glad when he's gone and I don't have to listen to his hateful shit.

lebradford · March 2014

I think this is a great question. I think parents need to advocate for their children. Both of my parents smoke. When my son was born, I was 17, and I lived with them. I really had no leg to stand on to demand that they not smoke at all. They kept their smoking to the basement or outside. I still think he got sick more often because of it than he would have if we didn't live there. Now that my situation has changed, I feel like I can be more strict about the smoking situation. However, they view smoking in their basement as totally acceptable, and I would really prefer they not even do that if we have a baby in the house. So, yeah, that part should be an interesting conversation....

wirt2cute · March 2014

My dad and aunt are heavy smokers. My dad can only smoke outside but my aunt smokes in her house and the boys never visit inside her house, and she understands (but she is also getting older and really does not have good nerves around kids). She never had children. You would never know my dad was a smoker because you can hardly smell smoke on him. My dad makes sure he washes his hands and he even brushes his teeth.
A few weekends ago the four year old spent the weekend with our babysitter at her home, however when he came home he smelled like pure smoke and his overnight bag smelled awful. I throw him in the bath and washed all his clothes. I asked him did somebody smoke in the house and he was like "boyfriends name". I love my babysitter and she is so great with my son but I really don't want him in that smoking environment. For that weekend she was paid to keep him, but I have not figured out if I should say something or not because it was her house. Any other time she watches them she is at our house.

MrsG713 · March 2014

My MIL smokes, inside of her house, & while we're visiting. She knows I hate smoke (it's her home...I get it) but I manage to keep my distance, and I know she feels that because she tries to keep it to a minimum at least when we are around.

Fortunately my Dad, a smoker of 33 years, quit. No amount of me begging, crying, hiding and stealing cigarettes and lighters as a child stopped him. It broke my heart and still hurts. My mom never let him smoke in the house, ever. It wasn't until his heart attack at 54 (he victoriously claims where his 100% blockage was located is usually a "widow-maker") that he stopped for good.

Since then he has remained smoke-free but has had 2 strokes and various other health issues as a result. For that reason and from it bothering me so much as a child, I'm outspoken about how much smoke bothers me in public.

As of now, we haven't had a discussion with my MIL. It's not the time, for us. But you better believe when I get KU, it will be our baby, our rules. (I think I saw this in a PP, and I like it)

meganglr · March 2014

Unfortunately it may be a struggle in the beginning but they'll get over it. I don't allow my kids in the presence of smoking. Ever. period. As parents its our job to look out for them like no one else can. Everyone else will just have to get over it. My brother and my father were a little upset by it at first when I started telling them to go out front at our house if kids were playing in the backyard. Now they know to just go out front, away from tiny lungs.

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