Just need to talk

sdumont · March 2014

I found out I was pregnant on Feb. 24. I am 32 years old and this is my first time ever having a positive pregnancy test. I have had spotting from the beginning. Had an U/S last week that showed the fetus at 6w 1 day which I was really confused by, I thought I was closer to 8 weeks. There was a HR at that time 107. Everything looked okay. 5 days later the spotting turned to bright red blood. Not as much as a period but more than my usually spotting. Went in for an U/S. This time the tech did not say anything or give me any pics, so I figured it wasn't good. Met with the Dr. after he said fetal HR was lower and it looked like the beginning of a miscarriage. He did give me a small glimmer of hope and said to come back in a week and we will see what's going on. I think the fetal HR was in the high 80's. I have been so upset. I feel like a baby. I only have light cramping and my usually spotting. I don't feel pregnant, I just feel sad and tired. I have depression and anxiety so it is going to be really hard for me to go to work tomorrow. I see a lot of people post things like "put your big girl panties on". I am just having a hard time getting mine on.

gabbagal · March 2014

This is beyond "big girl panties", this is a major, upsetting thing you are going through. Getting the initial news that it's likely something is wrong is such a huge blow emotionally, and the waiting game for confirmation is the hardest thing. I hope that small glimmer means you are lucky and everything will be great next week, but in the meantime, I'm so sorry you are going through this and please share your feelings and fears as much as you need. Also, make sure you talk to your doctor about what you can do for your depression and anxiety, you must take care of yourself above anything else.

PinkAzaleas · March 2014

I'm sorry you're going through this but hang in there. There is no right or wrong way to feel. I found out last wednesday that baby stopped growing at 9w1d. I cried all day. It's just part of the coping process. Don't let anyone tell you how to feel. Now that a week has gone by, I am coping much better. It just takes time.

psychobutthead · March 2014

I'm hoping everything turns out to be alright for you. Not knowing whats going on is a very scary process. I agree with PinkAzaleas don't let anyone try to tell you how to feel about whats going on. Do you have anyone that can be a support system for your right now?

sdumont · March 2014

Thank you so much for the post. I have my husband and a few friends, but I live a 17hr drive away from my family. I really appreciate your support and kind words.

Maxsmommy123112 · March 2014

I am so sorry what you're going through. This is certainly not a situation where you can simply "put your big girl panties on" and go about your day. I have had 2 miscarriages and it's a process that takes time until you feel ok. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you feel.

I hope next week you will get good news and all is well. If not, we are always here if you need us.

stephy1221 · March 2014

I am so sorry. The waiting is horrible. I hope you get good news.

ambmama · March 2014

Ticker warning.

I'm so sorry and really hope everything turns out ok. My story is unfortunately similar, so I am here for you. Hoping things work out and you don't need us on this board!

nohalo21 · March 2014

There is nothing worse than waiting. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

AggieBeth06 · March 2014

ITA with @gabbagal‌. Some situations need BGP. This isn't one of them right now. You'll be back in them in time, but that news is scary and devastating. Waiting is the worst.

If you need to take off, do it. You need to take care of yourself emotionally.

(((Hugs)))

Hyacinthia · March 2014

I can't get my big girl panties on either....

We lost our twins, their due date is coming up in May. Soon after the loss one of the secretaries in my office announced her pregnancy. She came to me first and told me she wanted to tell me before she told the other people. I guess she was worried I would be upset. I was, but I hid it like a champ and told her how happy I was. After that, several other people came up pregnant. It seemed like an epidemic that I couldn't catch. Though, I was okay at that time. I was optimistic. Until yesterday. I POS and had another negative. After that, we went over to my mother in laws house for a family dinner and I experienced my very first mean spirited angry thoughts toward another woman carrying a successful pregnancy. See, my brother in law is married but separated and is now living with his former baby sitter. They have been in a relationship for about a year now and she is pregnant and starting to show. During the visit with my mother in law she was complaining and complaining and complaining about her pregnancy. I found myself cursing her in my head and thinking thoughts like, "stupid hussy, living with a married man, acting like you're a part of this family and complaining because you, the stupid hussy, are able to get pregnant." The thoughts couldn't be banished from my mind, though I tried. I felt guilty for being bitter towards her and I was so sad!

I'm 35. I was married in May after waiting to finish my schooling and develop a career. We started TTC right away after we got married. We were pregnant by the third month of trying. Twins! Identical Twins!!! We lost them after eight weeks. They were in the same gestational sac and just didn't make it. Our doctor assured us he seldom sees such a situation go full term and when it does the situation is usually very dire. So, go on try again, he says, you'll get pregnant. So, we had a D&C because the miscarriage was incomplete. He suggested we wait until I had two normal cycles before we try again. It took awhile for my body to get back to "normal" but by January we were ready to go. Evidently we got pregnant because in February I had a three week period, after the first week of bleeding ended and no sign that it would let up, I went to the doctor who let me know that in fact I was having a miscarriage. The bleeding began on the day my period was supposed to start, so evidently we had implantation and almost immediate miscarriage. Well, its the end of March and this month we had no success. In a month it will be May, and we will have been TTC for a year AND the twins Due date was supposed to by May 17. I've been dwelling on those things way too much. See, all tolled we have had three failed attempts and two miscarriages. I understand that compared to a lot of other woman, that isn't so bad a track record... yet. Our doctor doesn't think we should start seeking special assistance just yet. He believes a healthy pregnancy is around the corner. There is still a lot of hope. But right now, at this moment, I am also feeling pretty stinking bitter that the girl who steals the husband gets to have a baby on accident. Please don't judge me for being that way, I keep it myself and recognize it's not fair and unkind. I just can't kick the feeling or the thoughts at the moment. I can't get those big girl panties to fit right now.

gabbagal · March 2014

Big girl panties are so overrated and totally not required here. @Hyacinthia I think we've all had our share of bitter thoughts and I think that's totally normal. This board is a great placed to share thoughts and feelings without judgment b/c we've all been there and thought similar things that we would never say aloud and sometimes feel guilty about later. Venting has been a huge help and release for me and I think most people can tell the difference between a frustrated vent and actual malicious thought. I will say, though, that it's never too early to talk to a specialist, even just for a consult. Unfortunately for us in the AMA range, time is unfortunately not on our side all the time and the best thing we can do is inform ourselves of options and possibilities even if we never take them. Good luck and I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you continue to seek comfort and support here.

PinkAzaleas · March 2014

Hyacinthia said:

I can't get my big girl panties on either....

We lost our twins, their due date is coming up in May. Soon after the loss one of the secretaries in my office announced her pregnancy. She came to me first and told me she wanted to tell me before she told the other people. I guess she was worried I would be upset. I was, but I hid it like a champ and told her how happy I was. After that, several other people came up pregnant. It seemed like an epidemic that I couldn't catch. Though, I was okay at that time. I was optimistic. Until yesterday. I POS and had another negative. After that, we went over to my mother in laws house for a family dinner and I experienced my very first mean spirited angry thoughts toward another woman carrying a successful pregnancy. See, my brother in law is married but separated and is now living with his former baby sitter. They have been in a relationship for about a year now and she is pregnant and starting to show. During the visit with my mother in law she was complaining and complaining and complaining about her pregnancy. I found myself cursing her in my head and thinking thoughts like, "stupid hussy, living with a married man, acting like you're a part of this family and complaining because you, the stupid hussy, are able to get pregnant." The thoughts couldn't be banished from my mind, though I tried. I felt guilty for being bitter towards her and I was so sad!

I'm 35. I was married in May after waiting to finish my schooling and develop a career. We started TTC right away after we got married. We were pregnant by the third month of trying. Twins! Identical Twins!!! We lost them after eight weeks. They were in the same gestational sac and just didn't make it. Our doctor assured us he seldom sees such a situation go full term and when it does the situation is usually very dire. So, go on try again, he says, you'll get pregnant. So, we had a D&C because the miscarriage was incomplete. He suggested we wait until I had two normal cycles before we try again. It took awhile for my body to get back to "normal" but by January we were ready to go. Evidently we got pregnant because in February I had a three week period, after the first week of bleeding ended and no sign that it would let up, I went to the doctor who let me know that in fact I was having a miscarriage. The bleeding began on the day my period was supposed to start, so evidently we had implantation and almost immediate miscarriage. Well, its the end of March and this month we had no success. In a month it will be May, and we will have been TTC for a year AND the twins Due date was supposed to by May 17. I've been dwelling on those things way too much. See, all tolled we have had three failed attempts and two miscarriages. I understand that compared to a lot of other woman, that isn't so bad a track record... yet. Our doctor doesn't think we should start seeking special assistance just yet. He believes a healthy pregnancy is around the corner. There is still a lot of hope. But right now, at this moment, I am also feeling pretty stinking bitter that the girl who steals the husband gets to have a baby on accident. Please don't judge me for being that way, I keep it myself and recognize it's not fair and unkind. I just can't kick the feeling or the thoughts at the moment. I can't get those big girl panties to fit right now.

First, I'm so sorry for your losses. It's tough, I know.

I just wanted to say that if I were in your shoes, I would start working with a specialist. Why deny yourself of a little medical intervention to get what you what? It may help you feel a little more in control of the situation and therefore cope better.

D&C 3/24/14

JCM285 · March 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss! Please don't feel like you need to move on and not grieve. I think it is much healthier to take some think to reflect and gather your thoughts/emotions. It is also much more mature to be in touch with your feelings than to ignore them. The people who posted that clearly don't know what you are going through.

Rache Spoodeena · March 2014

@Hyacinthia‌ -- don't worry about feeling bitter! I have a friend who has a heart of gold, she raised her 6 siblings herself because her mom has never worked a day in her life and her dad is a deadbeat drug dealer. Her compulsive liar sister, who cheats the unemployment system all the time, got pregnant by accident and has a healthy baby boy. Meanwhile my friend, her sister, is struggling with IF and is about to do her first round of IVF. It's not fair that she has to struggle to have a baby, but her sister just gets to have one and sit on her @$$ and use our hard earned tax payer money to be lazy. I always feel so bitter on her behalf!!

Life is funny like that. Let it out, you are supported xoxo

OP, no need to pull on BGP just yet. Mourn your losses, and take your time to heal

Eveiii · March 2014

@Hyacinthia‌ your not the only one that is bitter. A few weeks ago I was at my husbands work which there is a pay phone out side where a lot of drug dealings go down. As I walk next to his shop I see a suss looking lady about 30 weeks pregnant on the druggie phone smoking a cigaret! I nearly went up to her and yelled at her for being so stupid and a horrible mother and that there's plenty of girls dying to have a baby and it's unfair that she gets to have one and already is stuffing it up. I don't often get those feeling of rage.
Now when I look at a pregnant lady I get really judgemental and think I could do a better job them then.

Maxsmommy123112 · March 2014

I LIVE on the "bitter train" these days...my cousin and his girlfriend who are in there teens just had a 3rd baby. They are homeless and sell/do drugs. I used to feel sorry for them but once they had their first child and abandoned him with our family my pain for them changed to anger for their baby...then came the 2nd perfect beautiful little girl who also is being raised by family members and now another baby that may have issues because of the moms drug use.

But they can have a baby. 3 perfect BEAUTIFUL babies who love them so much and only want love in return. And here we are? It just seems so unfair. But I will tell you one thing, it is way more unfair for those poor babies than it is for me.

We took their oldest out for his bday once and as he blew out the candles on his bday cake he closed his eyes and said "I wish my mommy and daddy were here". It took everything in me to hold back tears.

rubylocks7 · March 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Take time off if you feel like you need it. The whole "put on your big girl panties" think is ridiculous. Regardless of any existing mental health condition, going through what you're going through is incredibly difficult and if you need a few days, TAKE THEM! Also, perhaps look into counseling? I'm looking into counseling now after my 3rd m/c, wishing I had done it after the first.

Just need to talk

Re: Just need to talk

HB 140 @ 7w4d. MMC @ 10w (HB stopped 8w3d). After 2 rounds of Misoprostal, D&C October 2013. AF returned 56 days later. Advised to wait one cycle (December 2013)

HB 102 @ 6w4d. MMC @ 11w1d (HB stopped 7w4d). After 4 rounds of Misoprostal, D&C April 2014. AF returned 29 days later. Did testing for RPL - all normal. Was told can TTC again (May 2014)

u/s @ 6w showed sac, no HB. Second u/s @ 6w5d - HB detected but low. Third u/s @ 8w - HB 150! Fourth u/s @ 9w3d - HB in the 160's! Fifth u/s @ 11w3d - HB 172, baby measuring a day ahead!

<a href="http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Getting Pregnant"><img src="http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt1bc5da.aspx" alt=" Pregnancy Ticker" border="0" /></a>

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