So close to throwing my hands in the air and saying fuck it

Re: So close to throwing my hands in the air and saying fuck it

• rainydayluck member

  March 2014 edited March 2014

  Soupy84 said:

  awc1986 said:

  @Soupy84 - that sounds like a very idealistic relationship that for many of us is not a reality. Sometimes doing it yourself is much easier than trying to mediate and compromise with an overgrown child (which is what many men have a tendency to be). I feel like a better wife if I care for my husband. Maybe that makes me an anti-feminist, but I enjoy looking after him. The fact that I balance that with a 40 hr work week is (you're absolutely right) my decision. However, when you're 6 weeks away from introducing a human into the world then doing every gets hard, which you know. My point is, if I were OP, I'd be eternally grateful for the fact that my husband was trying right now. So he's not doing it perfectly but he's giving it a go. If you beat him up about it then he's just not going to bother.

  I think what rubbed me the wrong way about your post is it came off as condescending. I would say that most of the board is still working 40+ work weeks and still take care of our families. A SAHM does a hell of a lot more than the parent working outside the home.
  
  I cant help but really feel bad for the mom's on this board who physically cant work and are trapped in their beds all day. I can only imagine what they would give to be able to do even a fraction of their everyday tasks.
  
  Asking for help shouldnt be a hardship in a marriage. I dont like to do it personally, but when the time comes that I need to ask, my DH should be stepping up. Do I like to take care of things for my husband, you bet! I see it as loving and caring. Why shouldnt I expect that in return?
  
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  WTF? To the bolded, what a shitty thing to say. You have NO IDEA what every damn WM does, so how dare you? I was with you until you came back with this. You suck.

  
  

  DD1: IUGR, low AFI delivered at 36 weeks

  
  

  

  
  

  
  

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• Soupy84 member

  March 2014

  rainydayluck said:

  Soupy84 said:

  awc1986 said:

  @Soupy84 - that sounds like a very idealistic relationship that for many of us is not a reality. Sometimes doing it yourself is much easier than trying to mediate and compromise with an overgrown child (which is what many men have a tendency to be). I feel like a better wife if I care for my husband. Maybe that makes me an anti-feminist, but I enjoy looking after him. The fact that I balance that with a 40 hr work week is (you're absolutely right) my decision. However, when you're 6 weeks away from introducing a human into the world then doing every gets hard, which you know. My point is, if I were OP, I'd be eternally grateful for the fact that my husband was trying right now. So he's not doing it perfectly but he's giving it a go. If you beat him up about it then he's just not going to bother.

  I think what rubbed me the wrong way about your post is it came off as condescending. I would say that most of the board is still working 40+ work weeks and still take care of our families. A SAHM does a hell of a lot more than the parent working outside the home.
  
  I cant help but really feel bad for the mom's on this board who physically cant work and are trapped in their beds all day. I can only imagine what they would give to be able to do even a fraction of their everyday tasks.
  
  Asking for help shouldnt be a hardship in a marriage. I dont like to do it personally, but when the time comes that I need to ask, my DH should be stepping up. Do I like to take care of things for my husband, you bet! I see it as loving and caring. Why shouldnt I expect that in return?
  
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  WTF? To the bolded, what a shitty thing to say. You have NO IDEA what every damn WM does, so how dare you? I was with you until you came back with this. You suck.

  How is that a shitty thing to say? Considering I WILL BE a working mom and most of the women I know (on the board and IRL) are working moms, I would say I have a really good idea what it will be like. Will you have an identical experience? Probably not. But I also wasnt commenting on what "every damn WM does", was I. I was illuminating the poor attitude that some people have in regards to SAHMs and how they deserve more respect and credit than what they often get.
  
  Considering this conversation was laid to rest - I have a meh response to your "you suck" comment. My perception is that the general population undervalues SAHM and its a shame when you actually break down what they do.
  
  

  3/29/12 - Married my soulmate
  BFP #1 - 3/23/13 // EDD - 11/27/13 // M/MC - 5/3/13 // D&C - 5/4/13
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• kat8805 member

  March 2014

  
  

  pandadair said:

  awc1986 said:

  @Soupy84 - that sounds like a very idealistic relationship that for many of us is not a reality. Sometimes doing it yourself is much easier than trying to mediate and compromise with an overgrown child (which is what many men have a tendency to be). I feel like a better wife if I care for my husband. Maybe that makes me an anti-feminist, but I enjoy looking after him. The fact that I balance that with a 40 hr work week is (you're absolutely right) my decision. However, when you're 6 weeks away from introducing a human into the world then doing every gets hard, which you know. My point is, if I were OP, I'd be eternally grateful for the fact that my husband was trying right now. So he's not doing it perfectly but he's giving it a go. If you beat him up about it then he's just not going to bother.

  I don't even have the patience to read other responses before responding. A 50/50 partnership is not an idealistic relationship. It should be a baseline expectation. And men are not fucking overgrown children. Maybe the one you're married to. Obviously we are all, men and women, inconsiderate and selfish assholes from time to time in our relationships. But holy shit, what an insulting thing to say about men. My husband and I both work full-time, both go to school, and both attend to our house and each other like grown ass adults. I'm not his fucking mother, nurse, maid or babysitter.
  
  @dragossoul84 You have every right to be upset. You are right, you do deserve a hand. You take care of the house and kids while he's working, but the rest of the time it's a shared responsibility. I've never understood the attitude that the not-employed-outside-the-house spouse is apparently responsible for everything child and house related 24/7. Who takes care of that shit in a dual-income household? Both of the parents when they're not at work. Duh.
  

  Yea, after awc's discussion about my single kids UO... I think it's safe to conclude she either married a tool, or a 12 year old.
  

  
  
  
  
  

  
  

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• pandadair member

  March 2014 edited March 2014

  Soupy84 said:

  rainydayluck said:

  Soupy84 said:

  awc1986 said:

  @Soupy84 - that sounds like a very idealistic relationship that for many of us is not a reality. Sometimes doing it yourself is much easier than trying to mediate and compromise with an overgrown child (which is what many men have a tendency to be). I feel like a better wife if I care for my husband. Maybe that makes me an anti-feminist, but I enjoy looking after him. The fact that I balance that with a 40 hr work week is (you're absolutely right) my decision. However, when you're 6 weeks away from introducing a human into the world then doing every gets hard, which you know. My point is, if I were OP, I'd be eternally grateful for the fact that my husband was trying right now. So he's not doing it perfectly but he's giving it a go. If you beat him up about it then he's just not going to bother.

  I think what rubbed me the wrong way about your post is it came off as condescending. I would say that most of the board is still working 40+ work weeks and still take care of our families. A SAHM does a hell of a lot more than the parent working outside the home.
  
  I cant help but really feel bad for the mom's on this board who physically cant work and are trapped in their beds all day. I can only imagine what they would give to be able to do even a fraction of their everyday tasks.
  
  Asking for help shouldnt be a hardship in a marriage. I dont like to do it personally, but when the time comes that I need to ask, my DH should be stepping up. Do I like to take care of things for my husband, you bet! I see it as loving and caring. Why shouldnt I expect that in return?
  
  ETA - Spelling
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  END QUOTE

  
  

  WTF? To the bolded, what a shitty thing to say. You have NO IDEA what every damn WM does, so how dare you? I was with you until you came back with this. You suck.

  How is that a shitty thing to say? Considering I WILL BE a working mom and most of the women I know (on the board and IRL) are working moms, I would say I have a really good idea what it will be like. Will you have an identical experience? Probably not. But I also wasnt commenting on what "every damn WM does", was I. I was illuminating the poor attitude that some people have in regards to SAHMs and how they deserve more respect and credit than what they often get.
  
  Considering this conversation was laid to rest - I have a meh response to your "you suck" comment. My perception is that the general population undervalues SAHM and its a shame when you actually break down what they do.
  
  

  I think the initial response was a bit inflammatory, but I also think there's a difference between saying SAHMs don't get the respect they deserve and saying they do more than a parent working outside the home. We all do everything we can, the best way we can, to raise our children. Whether a person does that by staying home or by going to work is irrelevant. We're all (or soon will be) parents, and that's a 24/7 job. I just wish the "who has it harder" debate would die in a fire.
  
  ETA: I would like to amend the above SAHM to SAHP. Other parts of this thread have already packed in more than my daily tolerance of gender stereotyping.
  

  
  

  
  

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• jjtyler member

  March 2014

  And the post has officially turned into a freaking woman vs woman battle.  Jeezus.

  
  

  To the OP, I am glad you were able to talk to your hubby and get him to admit that he needs to step up.

  
  

  Every relationship is different.  Once in a blue moon my husband will pipe in with a "I do so much more than the average guy BS" and I calmly answer that I would not have married him if he was the average guy.  I know how much support I need to survive and honestly, I could not do it alone.  I admire every SAHM, Single mom, FTWM, WAHM, hell anyone who pushes a child through the vagina or via other means and pledges to get through every day worrying about their child(ren). 

  
  

  There are many times he doesn't realize that my headaches, exhaustion, swelling, pregnancy related bullshit takes the toll it does on me, so I have to tell him.

  
  

  Vent away.  Some of us may not understand your specific scenario, but I sure as shit will try and listen and give advice...not judgemental nonsense like some of the PPs.

  XOXO

  Report7 Reply
• CookingStar member

  March 2014

  We are all exhausted - whether sahm or working ...

  Report6 Reply
• talkthewholetime member

  March 2014

  So is now a bad time to say that Kevin does all the laundry?

  
  
  

  
  
  

  
  
  

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• talkthewholetime member

  March 2014

  savannah_girl said:

  
  

  talkthewholetime said:

  
  

  So is now a bad time to say that Kevin does all the laundry?

  
  

  I have not done laundry in 2 years.
  
  I do make him a bologna and cheese sandwich for lunch most days. Hahaha

  
  
  

  
  
  

  
  
  

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• ErikaLynn75 member

  March 2014

  talkthewholetime said:

  So is now a bad time to say that Kevin does all the laundry?

  My husband does all the laundry too. He's better at it than me. Plus the laundry room is downstairs with his man cave. On occasion, if I'm just watching TV while he's doing laundry he'll bring some baskets up for me to fold.
  
  I think if I was responsible for 100% of the housework I would begin to resent my H.I take responsibility for making sure things get done when they need to by either doing it myself or asking him to do it. If I never said anything our house would be a shit hole. But he is totally capable of doing any household task and helps me out often.

   

  
  

   

  Married since June 2012

  EDD May 2014
  

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• CamrynnsMommy member

  March 2014

  talkthewholetime said:

  So is now a bad time to say that Kevin does all the laundry?

  I see your laundry and raise you a stay-at-home-dad who does dishes, sweeps/mops, and cooks dinner.

  
  
  

  Report17 Reply
• Christinaruth74 member

  March 2014

  OP glad you and DH talked things out. I'm still fairly new to the whole married thing, but the greatest thing I've learned thus far is communication. If I have expectations for him to do things because I think they are obvious tasks he should do, yet I haven't communicated that to him.... Who am I to hold a grudge? And it goes both ways. He has certain expectations for me that he needs to communicate. Neither of us are perfect but neither of us feel burdened with an obligation to "take care of" the other. Idk if that makes sense... But anyway, I agree with @CamrynnsMommy‌- mommy wars are dumb.. So is one-upping. Everyone is entitled to vent because we are all tired.. But I think all you ladies are amazing, whether you're a SAHM or a WM. You go gurrrlz.

  Report6 Reply
• Mimaloo member

  March 2014

  
  

  ashtog said:

  IBackBevo said:

  I think there is a virus going around and my husband has it, too. Sorry you are dealing with this.

  My hubby has the same virus these days :P
  

  DH got it too!!!
  

  

  
  

  Let Them Eat Cake - My Blog

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• CamrynnsMommy member

  March 2014

  savannah_girl said:

  My dad was a SAHD and my mom worked. He was a retired Vet. Actually, the 2nd most decorated Vet in Arizona. He even was my girl scout leader.
  How is that for gender norms for the mommy wars?
  Oh, and I work and support DH.

  This is my H, 2-time Iraqi war vet, 100% disabled.

  
  
  

  Report15 Reply
• CamrynnsMommy member

  March 2014 edited March 2014

  Burp

  
  
  

  Report0 Reply
• kat8805 member

  March 2014

  CamrynnsMommy said:

  My dad was a SAHD and my mom worked. He was a retired Vet. Actually, the 2nd most decorated Vet in Arizona. He even was my girl scout leader. How is that for gender norms for the mommy wars? Oh, and I work and support DH.

  This is my H, 2-time Iraqi war vet, 100% disabled.

  Thread robbing!!
  
  savannah_girl and @CamrynnsMommy for both your service, and your family's service. :x

  
  
  
  
  

  
  

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• pandadair member

  March 2014

  savannah_girl said:

  talkthewholetime said:

  So is now a bad time to say that Kevin does all the laundry?

  I have not done laundry in 2 years.

  I threw some sheets in the wash today. Can't remember the last time I washed clothes, though. Too bad neither of us likes to actually put them up. It is my shameful secret that 75% of the time, we have a pile of clothes on one couch that we throw in the dryer to de-wrinkle as needed. We rarely have anyone over to the house, what can I say?
  
  I also feel like sharing that today, while I went out for a wax, to pick up some baby stuff, and do grocery shopping, my husband managed to tear himself away from Call of Duty long enough to pick up and vacuum the whole house. Then we got the ingredients for chili ready together. We have definitely had our issues, and gone to counseling because of them, but there is always a teamwork expectation.
  

  
  

  
  

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• RedInLove member

  March 2014

  OK, so we have a 'WK someone else's DH' square on the Bingo card now?

  
  
  
  
  
  
  It’s not that I don’t like you, it’s that I don’t know you. Stranger Danger.
  

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• JKTTC1 member

  March 2014

  I work full time (currently on bed rest) and hubby is great helping around the house and taking on our toddler. He's done a bunch since I'm on bed rest and I try to help where I can like faint laundry on the bed.
  
  However, I've determined..me being pregnant always kills some brain cells for DH. Haven't figured out why!

  
  
  

  #2-BO 6/6/13 D/C     #3 natural m/c 8/6/13 

  
  

  #4 EDD 5/19/14 It's a boy! 

  
  

  
  

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• sisterjanet member

  March 2014

  talkthewholetime said:

  So is now a bad time to say that Kevin does all the laundry?

  My first thought: what does he do to/with the laundry?  (My imagination totally believes he's folding towel animals or turning "find the clean laundry" into a scavenger hunt, even though aint nobody got time for that.)
  

  Report9 Reply
• lv2011 member

  March 2014

  To the comments pre-Kevin:                   
  
  "My ass is twitching. You people make my ass twitch."
                                                   (Meg Ryan in French Kiss)
  
  
  
  

      
  DD born 2/3/03
  BFP 3/21/13 w/ EDD 12/02/13, C/P 3/29/13.
  BFP 9/18/13 w/ EDD 5/26/14,
  Beta #1 @ 14-16dpo = 375, progesterone 33.6
  Beta #2 @ 20-22 dpo = 8,782!
  Beta #3 @ 27-29dpo = 44,230, dx subchorionic hemorrhage/ threatened mc
  Beta #4 @ 29-31dpo = 72, 080
  Grow, little one, grow!
  

  ***** All  AL  Welcome *****

   

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• ABColeslaw member

  March 2014

  Why the hell can't we ever have a simple "vent" on here without someone getting their undies in a wad?  FFS.

  Also we as a board keep coming back to the women against women shit and it grosses me out. 

  And I'm late to the party as usual, but the cats pissing everywhere, that shit would kill me in full blown nesting mode. 

  
  

  Asher Benjamin and Lola Aisling

  
  

   Infertility

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  My Spring Babies! 

  Angel Baby   Elisabeth Adelle  April 2008

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• Rocknroll64 member

  March 2014

  I feel sorry for the women on this board who have to do everything themselves and do it without complaint, that is not what a marriage should be.  A marriage should be an equal partnership and if one partner asks for help, he/she should get it.  That's what you do when you love someone.

  
  

  OP, I totally understand where you're coming from, I recently had a blow up at my H also.  I work all day, sometimes over 12 hours a day because it's tax season, then come home and have to do all the chores whilst being 7 months pregnant? no.  

  
  

  He got the message pretty quickly and he's been doing a lot better since.  It's so weird how normally he's awesome and helping out but lately has been so lazy.  Ugh I feel ya.

  
  

  TTC Since July 2012
  

  BFP #1 11/07/12   M/C 12/11/12

  BFP #2 2/23/13    M/C 03/6/13

                     BFP #3 9/2/13  EDD 05/17/14                     

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• 83edwards member

  March 2014

  Soupy84 said:

  awc1986 said:

  @Soupy84 - that sounds like a very idealistic relationship that for many of us is not a reality. Sometimes doing it yourself is much easier than trying to mediate and compromise with an overgrown child (which is what many men have a tendency to be). I feel like a better wife if I care for my husband. Maybe that makes me an anti-feminist, but I enjoy looking after him. The fact that I balance that with a 40 hr work week is (you're absolutely right) my decision. However, when you're 6 weeks away from introducing a human into the world then doing every gets hard, which you know. My point is, if I were OP, I'd be eternally grateful for the fact that my husband was trying right now. So he's not doing it perfectly but he's giving it a go. If you beat him up about it then he's just not going to bother.

  I think what rubbed me the wrong way about your post is it came off as condescending. I would say that most of the board is still working 40+ work weeks and still take care of our families. A SAHM does a hell of a lot more than the parent working outside the home.
  
  I cant help but really feel bad for the mom's on this board who physically cant work and are trapped in their beds all day. I can only imagine what they would give to be able to do even a fraction of their everyday tasks.
  
  Asking for help shouldnt be a hardship in a marriage. I dont like to do it personally, but when the time comes that I need to ask, my DH should be stepping up. Do I like to take care of things for my husband, you bet! I see it as loving and caring. Why shouldnt I expect that in return?
  
  ETA - Spelling
  

  I hate the SAHM debate. How do you know that a SAHM does more than a parent that works outside the home? Are you qualified to make that statement? I find myself outraged at the comment, but simply because I am so tired of everyone shaming everyone else's choices.....not just on this board but IRL as well. I work outside the home. I take care of my kids. I take my son to karate, I cook, I clean, I do laundry, I grown people. My husband made pork chops tonight....of his own accord. He also set the table. He takes out the garbage, takes the kid to karate, does laundry, and get my toothbrush for me when I get sick downstairs. He is not an overgrown child. A stay at home mom, I assume, takes care of the kids, probably cooks and cleans some, plays chauffeur, etc. Who are you, let alone any of us, to say who does more? 

  
  

  Maybe I am extra testy right now because we are right in the middle of my busy season, I am straddled with mommy guilt all the time, and exhausted from trying to grow the baby inside me, but this kind of post is uncalled for. 

  
  

  I especially hate that it came up in this post. OP has the right to be irritated with her DH for not trying his best.....it gets annoying. 

  
  

  Also, it is annoying because they actually AREN'T overgrown children. Men are every bit as capable of helping with household stuff as women. I hate that we excuse behaviors because of the penis. The penis doesn't make you stupid. The penis doesn't make you unable to think rationally or clean up a mess or chop an apple. Stop blaming the penis!

  
  

  OP, I'm glad you and your husband were able to talk and come to a conclusion that will make you both happier! 

  

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