Liar, liar, pants are just soaked in pee.

Brettx3Ashley · March 2014

I'm expecting my first with my fiance who already has 1 DD, 4 years old, of his own. However, he also takes care of her stepsister, 8. They both come over and stay with us every other weekend..

Since my fiance and I have been together, the SS has always had an issue of wetting her pants. Last summer at summer school, she had to change almost every day. Her mother has talked to her about it, my fiance has and I have too. We tried to explain that she's going to get made fun of for peeing and pooping in her pants. She says she doesn't feel it, but the other day while out shopping she was squatting on the floor. I told her twice to get up off the floor and when my fiance finally had to tell her, she stated rapidly that she had to go to the bathroom. It's like she's embarazed to say she has to go.

I thought the going in the pants was bad enough, she's started to lie about it and other silly things. She begged us to watch Frozen because she's never seen it. As were watching it, she turns around and says I already saw this movie.

We have to sit her down every other Friday and tell her that she'll get something good if she behaves. By Saturday morning she's breaking the same rules. I'm getting exhausted from telling her the same thing every other weekend and having the same results.

Is it just the age?

neverblushed · March 2014

It's not "just the age." It is not normal for an 8 y/o to have accidents regularly.

Two things could be causing this child's problem: 1) a physical problem that needs attention from a pediatrician. 2) emotional issues and lack of stability in her life.

Obviously she's seen some instability in the past, which has led her to now spend every other weekend with her younger step-sister's OTHER parent. This means that both of her bio parents are basically shipping her off to be with someone else's family pretty regularly. Don't get me wrong, it's entirely possible that being your home is the most stable, secure home she sees. But from her point of view, she might feel like she never knows where she's going to hang her hat each day, and that kind of thing is really bad for kids.

The fact that this kid has been doing this for nearly a full year and no one has taken her to see a doctor just seems to suggest that neither of her parents are really on top of this situation. Her parents need to get her in to the pediatrician asap to rule out a physical problem and to get started on the process of helping her. Clearly, an 8 year old doesn't just crap herself for the fun of it. She knows it's not normal, and there's no way she's doing this just to be a jerk. Whether she's got a physical problem or an emotional one, she will need help from adults to sort it out. Blaming her, shaming her, and threatening her won't help her.

The lying and behavior problems you're seeing are probably pretty typical of a kid who has been shuffled around a lot. Look, kids lie. All kids do, no matter how well-raised they are. Growing up is a process of gradually learning not to lie. In my observation, kids generally lie for 2 reasons: because they want something or because they are afraid of getting in trouble. She lied about seeing Frozen because she wanted to see it again and didn't think you guys would take her if she said she'd already seen it. She's lying about peeing in her pants because she doesn't want to get in trouble for it, or she is hoping to put off getting in trouble for a little while longer.

My sense is this kid needs major help. While you and your fiance are certainly good, caring people who can provide support, you're not the people who need to take action in this situation -- her parents are!

Brettx3Ashley · March 2014

Well, my fiance isn't a stranger to her. He brought her over from Mexico when she was 1 yr old. Her biological father left after she was born, so my fiance took a huge step into her life. She'd probably still be family-less in Mexico if he hadn't saved her. But, I appreciate the advice. She does need to see a doctor and I've expressed this to the mother but she doesn't speak english and its a complicated situation. I'm going to look into those books. Thank you!

neverblushed · March 2014

I don't think anyone was suggesting that you and your FI are the ones that are causing the instability. It seemed pretty clear like you guys were trying to watch out for this poor kid and take an interest in her. But that doesn't mean her life hasn't been fairly chaotic.

Not sure about your area, but I live in a suburban area with a large Spanish-speaking population and lots of recent immigrants. The girl's mom needs to find a doctor who speaks Spanish and who has a track record of working with patients who have undocumented families (if that's the situation.)

You can't take the child to the doctor, but you might be able to use your connections to find a doctor this mom could trust!

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Liar, liar, pants are just soaked in pee.

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