Somber topic: would you terminate a pregnancy?

abbyful · March 2014

There's been some talk about screenings/tests, but not about possible results.

Created a poll because I figure some people may not want to publicly say their opinion.

SissyKate21 · March 2014

lissydee said: I am not sure. I'd have to be faced with the situation to really give a concrete answer.

So true. I haven't had to make that choice. So I think I know my answer but who can really say until they are in that position? That's a tough question.

Thanks for posting this @abbyful; it is quite thought provoking...

edit: spacing was funky

SweetMelissa5 · March 2014

I think that with my first pregnancy, I probably would not have terminated even if there was a condition that was incompatible with life (although I might have made an exception if the baby would have been in pain as a result of the condition). Now, though, I would have to take into account that I have young kids who would probably not understand that Mommy is having a baby but we won't be bringing him/her home. So in that case, my husband and I would have a very hard decision to make about the needs of our family versus attempting to carry the baby to term.

lilliesandvino · March 2014

The first two options are pretty much the same to me. Either way, I think termination is the compassionate thing to do.

meeshybee · March 2014

SweetMelissa5 said:

I think that with my first pregnancy, I probably would not have terminated even if there was a condition that was incompatible with life (although I might have made an exception if the baby would have been in pain as a result of the condition). Now, though, I would have to take into account that I have young kids who would probably not understand that Mommy is having a baby but we won't be bringing him/her home. So in that case, my husband and I would have a very hard decision to make about the needs of our family versus attempting to carry the baby to term.

I didn't think about that point. I guess it's something that you can't really decide for certain until your faced with it.

meeshybee · March 2014

Reminded me of something.

One of the previous boards I was on years ago had a mom carrying a baby with hydrocephaly (water on the brain). She did carry him as far as she could, but he was stillborn. She posted photos of them and their toddler son with the baby who was very obviously deceased. I thought it was really creepy, but at the same time it made all of us think about how we would feel about the situation.

JamieK1882 · March 2014

I answered I wouldn't terminate under any condition, and I like to think that I would follow that, but it's so hard to say unless given the circumstances. I hope none of us have to face that decision.

lisaren · March 2014

JamieK1882 said:
I answered I wouldn't terminate under any condition, and I like to think that I would follow that, but it's so hard to say unless given the circumstances. I hope none of us have to face that decision.

This

missnacholover · March 2014

meeshybee said:

Reminded me of something.
One of the previous boards I was on years ago had a mom carrying a baby with hydrocephaly (water on the brain). She did carry him as far as she could, but he was stillborn. She posted photos of them and their toddler son with the baby who was very obviously deceased. I thought it was really creepy, but at the same time it made all of us think about how we would feel about the situation.

I don't think that's creepy. That's her child.

Allisonville · March 2014

I'm not having the screenings done. Because it doesn't matter. I would not terminate.

nonoemily · March 2014

I'm not doing any of the testing, but I'm considering having an anatomy scan done at the halfway point. I don't know what I would do. I think I would probably terminate if the situation were really grim, but I don't know what DH would say and we share these responsibilities 50/50.

A mom from my birth center, who shared the same midwife team as us, have birth to a girl with a very rare genetic condition 3 days after DS was born. Because of mutual connections I often see her Facebook updates around milestones like holidays and birthdays. It's a pretty sobering reminder.

lisaren · March 2014

missnacholover said:

meeshybee said:

Reminded me of something.
One of the previous boards I was on years ago had a mom carrying a baby with hydrocephaly (water on the brain). She did carry him as far as she could, but he was stillborn. She posted photos of them and their toddler son with the baby who was very obviously deceased. I thought it was really creepy, but at the same time it made all of us think about how we would feel about the situation.

I don't think that's creepy. That's her child.

Agreed. What a beautiful gift she shared.

jlove253 · March 2014

I have two dear friends whose mothers were both advised they should be aborted, (one because the mom was young, the other because of birth defects) and thankfully neither of them were! One friend was given up for adoption and the other was born defect free!

I'm in the never terminate camp because I feel like just because we call it an embryo doesn't mean it's not a human. I know there are horrible things that can happen to our babies while developing and I pray that doesn't happen to me, but if I'm only out there for a perfect baby it's not going to happen. Even if the baby is totally healthy, they still could be a little terror

.

That being said, I want to express my sympathy to any of you who have lost babies because of things that make them incompatible with life. I can't imagine how horrible that is. And women with children with birth defects (physical, genetic, or mental), you are some of the strongest women on the planet.

renbee · March 2014

A friend of a friend had a baby with anencephaly (neural tube defect), and she decided to carry to term. The baby was stillborn. That decision was right for them, and I applaud their bravery. But I know DH and I could never go through an entire pregnancy knowing that our baby would be stillborn or would die shortly after birth. I can't imagine how she just went through every day life with people who didn't know about the situation asking normal questions about her pregnancy and baby and her plans - like what do you even say to that?

Ugh, just so horrible to think about. I hope none of us are ever in that situation!

CountryMama1114 · March 2014

My cousin is a genetic counselor and I feel for her every day. She is a very intimate part of these kinda of decisions on a daily basis. I couldn't even imagine.

DH and I are getting any testing that is suggested/offered and keeping our heads in the sand about this kind of decision until we would be forced to make it.... Hopefully that day does not come for us or any of you ladies and your families.

meeshybee · March 2014

I thought about being an ultrasound tech for a while, but I decided not to specifically because I would have to tell people there was something wrong with their baby. There's just no way I could do that and my heart goes out to anyone who has to.

aedin · March 2014

I could never live with killing my child. Call it "terminate" and maybe that sounds better to some, but the baby is alive inside of you. And you choose to kill it. I'm a mother, not a murderer... no matter how God chooses to form my child inside of me.

We wouldn't test. Anatomy scan at 20 weeks shows plenty since I'm not "finding out early" just in case I want to kill it.

meeshybee · March 2014

aragosta said:

Reminded me of something.
One of the previous boards I was on years ago had a mom carrying a baby with hydrocephaly (water on the brain). She did carry him as far as she could, but he was stillborn. She posted photos of them and their toddler son with the baby who was very obviously deceased. I thought it was really creepy, but at the same time it made all of us think about how we would feel about the situation.
Well that's a fucking awful thing to say. My son was BEAUTIFUL and judgy shit like this is why I hesitate to share the ONLY pictures I will EVER have of him. Since you are "thinking about how you would feel in this situation", please feel free to think about how you would feel if someone said that pictures of your baby was "creepy."

First, I am very sorry for your loss. I know it sounds cliche, but I truly am. I lost two babies early on, but nowhere close to even the end of the first trimester. I can't imagine the heartbreak of losing one after so long.

I'm not proud that the pictures made me feel that way, but as a squeamish pregnant woman that's how I felt at the time. I also had the good sense not to say anything about my emotional reaction to those pictures for this very reason. I say "emotional reaction" because logically I understood why she had taken and posted them and all our hearts went out to her.

I'm not purposely trying to offend anyone, just trying to be honest. I'm sure I would have felt very different had I been in her shoes.

abbyful · March 2014

aedin said:

I could never live with killing my child. Call it "terminate" and maybe that sounds better to some, but the baby is alive inside of you. And you choose to kill it. I'm a mother, not a murderer... no matter how God chooses to form my child inside of me.

We wouldn't test. Anatomy scan at 20 weeks shows plenty since I'm not "finding out early" just in case I want to kill it.

Wow... do you even realize how highly offensive your post could be to women that have had to make the unfortunate choice whether to continue a pregnancy or not?! We're not talking because they don't want a baby, or because the baby is the wrong sex, we're talking about much wanted babies that have horrible defects.

I didn't see my grandma at the end, but my mom was praying every night the last week she was alive that she would just die so she wouldn't have to suffer any more. She was in awful pain, I talked to her on the phone and she was in such bad pain she could barely get 1-2 sentences out. And you are judging mothers that are faced with whether they want their children to have to endure such pain suffering from a disease that will eventually kill them?

You could have just said "no, we wouldn't ever terminate", not judge women who's shoes you've never been in. I can't even imagine being faced with that decision, yet you judge them so quickly and easily, calling grieving mothers with crushed souls "murderers".

lilliesandvino · March 2014

aedin said:
I could never live with killing my child. Call it "terminate" and maybe that sounds better to some, but the baby is alive inside of you. And you choose to kill it. I'm a mother, not a murderer... no matter how God chooses to form my child inside of me.

We wouldn't test. Anatomy scan at 20 weeks shows plenty since I'm not "finding out early" just in case I want to kill it.

Ooooook.

mrsodonnell12 · March 2014

I wouldn't Never terminate. Miracles happen and tests can be wrong. For this reason, we will not have any testing done.

mrsodonnell12 · March 2014

And I cant type and it won't let me edit. It should say "I would Never terminate"

MommaKb710 · March 2014

Allisonville said:
I'm not having the screenings done. Because it doesn't matter. I would not terminate.

This.

Ster1106 · March 2014

I answered that I'd probably terminate if it were a condition not compatible with life. As others have said, though, I don't think it's something one can fully comprehend unless actually faced with it. Then again, I don't know what to expect, because this pregnancy hasn't even really sunk in yet. I see the doctor for the first time in five days, and I'm thinking once I see that everything is progressing it might feel more real.

I will have screenings done, though, because this will be my first at 33 years old. I know that's not considered a geriatric pregnancy (>35), but I understand that there are still risks.

aedin · March 2014

abbyful said:

aedin said:

I could never live with killing my child. Call it "terminate" and maybe that sounds better to some, but the baby is alive inside of you. And you choose to kill it. I'm a mother, not a murderer... no matter how God chooses to form my child inside of me.

We wouldn't test. Anatomy scan at 20 weeks shows plenty since I'm not "finding out early" just in case I want to kill it.

Wow... do you even realize how highly offensive your post could be to women that have had to make the unfortunate choice whether to continue a pregnancy or not?! We're not talking because they don't want a baby, or because the baby is the wrong sex, we're talking about much wanted babies that have horrible defects.

I didn't see my grandma at the end, but my mom was praying every night the last week she was alive that she would just die so she wouldn't have to suffer any more. She was in awful pain, I talked to her on the phone and she was in such bad pain she could barely get 1-2 sentences out. And you are judging mothers that are faced with whether they want their children to have to endure such pain suffering from a disease that will eventually kill them?

You could have just said "no, we wouldn't ever terminate", not judge women who's shoes you've never been in. I can't even imagine being faced with that decision, yet you judge them so quickly and easily, calling grieving mothers with crushed souls "murderers".

Did your mom call a doctor and have her euthanized? No. She let God take her mother when the time was right. I'm not saying it would be an easy thing, but I would never kill my own child.

nonoemily · March 2014

MommaKb710 said:

Allisonville said:
I'm not having the screenings done. Because it doesn't matter. I would not terminate.
This.

You guys, can I just point out that some people have these screenings done so they can prepare for a child with special medical needs? Sometimes there is a benefit to the child to have an immediate care plan in place. The point of the screenings is to provide parents with information.

Just sayin.

brooklyngirl18 · March 2014

this is so heartbreaking to even think about…i want to say i wouldn't terminate but if a dr told me my child would be in terrible pain for it's short life i don't know if i could do that..i really just don't know. i'm just praying for a happy and healthy baby. me and my husband don't plan on having any invasive testing done.

lisaren · March 2014

Having kali now, my special needs girl with very complex medical history, I would not terminate. She's the most precious being. But.... It's scary as hell. Life is hard. Oh my god. It's hard. It's incredibly hard on her. Just tonight we, including our nurse, had to sedate her due to her seizures.

I'm scared of it happening with another baby but at the same time I know the love and peace kali has brought into my life.

I also hate the term "kill" these parents make choices that is just unbearable. Ted Bundy is a killer... Totally different scenarios.

shindylahoe · March 2014

Allisonville said:
I'm not having the screening done. Because it doesn't matter. I would not terminate.

I am almost in the same boat. I would never terminate a pregnancy. But there are good reasons for getting the screenings done.

With some conditions the delivering doctor would be able to have a pedi in the room at the time of your little ones birth. Some conditions require more assistance directly after birth and you want to be prepared to take care of your little one.

abbyful · March 2014

shindylahoe said:

Allisonville said:
I'm not having the screening done. Because it doesn't matter. I would not terminate.
I am almost in the same boat. I would never terminate a pregnancy. But there are good reasons for getting the screenings done.

With some conditions the delivering doctor would be able to have a pedi in the room at the time of your little ones birth. Some conditions require more assistance directly after birth and you want to be prepared to take care of your little one.

My previous job was at a children's hospital, a couple years ago they added a maternity ward exactly for this reason. You have to be specifically referred to deliver there; it's only for low-risk moms with babies that will need medical attention right after birth.

MalachiteDrake · March 2014

aedin said:

abbyful said:

aedin said:

I could never live with killing my child. Call it "terminate" and maybe that sounds better to some, but the baby is alive inside of you. And you choose to kill it. I'm a mother, not a murderer... no matter how God chooses to form my child inside of me.

We wouldn't test. Anatomy scan at 20 weeks shows plenty since I'm not "finding out early" just in case I want to kill it.

Wow... do you even realize how highly offensive your post could be to women that have had to make the unfortunate choice whether to continue a pregnancy or not?! We're not talking because they don't want a baby, or because the baby is the wrong sex, we're talking about much wanted babies that have horrible defects.

I didn't see my grandma at the end, but my mom was praying every night the last week she was alive that she would just die so she wouldn't have to suffer any more. She was in awful pain, I talked to her on the phone and she was in such bad pain she could barely get 1-2 sentences out. And you are judging mothers that are faced with whether they want their children to have to endure such pain suffering from a disease that will eventually kill them?

You could have just said "no, we wouldn't ever terminate", not judge women who's shoes you've never been in. I can't even imagine being faced with that decision, yet you judge them so quickly and easily, calling grieving mothers with crushed souls "murderers".

Did your mom call a doctor and have her euthanized? No. She let God take her mother when the time was right. I'm not saying it would be an easy thing, but I would never kill my own child.

Shall we start with the fact that "call a doctor and have her euthanized" is illegal?

You wouldn't abort. Okay. We get that. Please stop being a judgmental bitch when it comes to other people's difficult and heartbreaking decisions.

I could have said, "It's a very difficult decision for parents to have to make, one way or the other, and having to deal with someone else's critical and judgmental behavior on top of that just makes the pain and anguish of it all the more heartbreaking. Please try to express that boundless love most religions claim is Godly instead." - but that wouldn't have been nearly as rude and hurtful as your own comments.

You want to go with the "God made it this way, so deal" route? God also gave us brains and free will. Heaven forbid (literally, apparently) we ever exercise either. X(

runningmama14 · March 2014

To those saying they wouldn't terminate, so they won't have screenings done, ditto what others said about screening in order to prepare yourself. Also, some conditions can have interventions done while the baby is still in utero.

I have a friend with a son with Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia. Had they not know about the CDH, they would not have been at the right hospital when he was delivered and he likely would have died before the proper care could have been provided for him. He is now a beautiful 2 year old boy with some medical issues, but an awesome quality of life. Screenings (in his case an anatomy scan) saved his life.

Allisonville · March 2014

shindylahoe said:

Allisonville said:
I'm not having the screening done. Because it doesn't matter. I would not terminate.
I am almost in the same boat. I would never terminate a pregnancy. But there are good reasons for getting the screenings done.

With some conditions the delivering doctor would be able to have a pedi in the room at the time of your little ones birth. Some conditions require more assistance directly after birth and you want to be prepared to take care of your little one.

Valid point. I was just talking about the extra, optional type screenings. I will get any screenings done that my doctor recommends, but since I'm under 35 it'll be limited to an anatomy scan. I absolutely agree that the screenings are for more then just deciding to terminate or not, I guess I didn't think it through all the way before responding.

amberhoothoot · March 2014

We chose not to have any extra tests done beyond the anatomy scan done with DS at 20 weeks.

At that point I couldn't terminate ever.
Also I've known several people who were told that their child may have Down Syndrome and none of those children did. That's too big a risk to take.

SweetMelissa5 · March 2014

amberhoothoot said:

We chose not to have any extra tests done beyond the anatomy scan done with DS at 20 weeks.

At that point I couldn't terminate ever.
Also I've known several people who were told that their child may have Down Syndrome and none of those children did. That's too big a risk to take.

That's at least partly why I think more women who choose to have the testing need to educate themselves better on what it tells you. Basically, every woman who has the NT scan is told that their baby has a chance of having DS, it's just all about the odds; a woman with a 1 in 10,000 chance may end up being the one with a child with Down Syndrome, and a woman with a 1 in 2 chance may end up being the one with a child without it. If not having a precise diagnosis would cause you (general you) a lot of anxiety, you might need to forgo the testing or choose a more invasive diagnostic test to get the answers you're looking for. It doesn't mean the test is wrong or bad, just that it's not right for your situation.

(None of this is directed at you @amberhoothoot; what you said just sparked something in me.)

MrsLillyG · March 2014

What week do the screenings take place normally or does it vary?

2ndGeneration · March 2014

I would not terminate for any reason. In my younger-days pregnancies, I declined screenings (the triple (now quad) screen)-the nt scan and maternti21 tests were not invented.

Now, at 42, I am going to have the nt scan and maternti21 (if I get far enough along, I had 2 mc last year) but for the reason that I can prepare for a proper birth setting if necessary for a problem.

stacyslo · March 2014

I just wanted to point out that you can do the testing and choose just to receive an overall health rating (i.e your baby looks healthy, or there is a condition you should be aware of) -- you can choose whether or not to be given the statistics of what % chance you have of having a baby with downs, etc. We chose to go that option, not finding out an actual percentage of risk - because even healthy babies have a risk of being born with something they didn't see or anticipate. We just wanted a general radar on the health of the baby so we would know if there was going to be an emergency immediately upon his arrival. Fortunately, we were blessed with a perfectly healthy baby boy.

chauliodus · March 2014

What @SweetMelissa5 said is right on target. I think a lot of people don't understand the screening tests. They screen and give you a percent risk. Even if the risk is 86 out of 100 for having Downs and the baby is fine, does not mean the screening test was inaccurate. From screening you can move on to more definitive testing such as an amnio. I don't think you will find too many amniocentesis results that said the baby has Down's and it turned out the baby didn't. The screening tests also may all be normal and the baby has Down's. I've seen that happen on a semi-regular basis.

I suppose I'll join the small crowd of people that wants all the genetic testing possible and will do something about it. If there is any anomaly that is incompatible with life or severely impairs the baby's health, I would elect for a termination. I would be very upset, but it would be the right choice for us. Repairable things like congenital diaphragmatic hernia and some of the congenital heart defects are a little different, but I would absolutely want as much info beforehand since there can be varying degrees of severity. Regardless I wouldn't deliver anywhere that didn't have a level III NICU since I've seen way too many "normal' pregnancies not be normal after delivery.

Hopefully, none of us will have to deal with this type of terrible situation, but I'm glad everyone has the option to make the decision right for their family.

lisaren · May 2014

Found this thread, yes I'm breathing life into a very old post. But I guess I'm
Just so surprised how many said they would never terminate, including me in this thread. Wow, it's just eye opening to actually read verbatim what your own thoughts are and how life can challenge you to reevaluate certain feelings.

moroccojade · May 2014

lisaren said:

Found this thread, yes I'm breathing life into a very old post. But I guess I'm Just so surprised how many said they would never terminate, including me in this thread. Wow, it's just eye opening to actually read verbatim what your own thoughts are and how life can challenge you to reevaluate certain feelings.

It is very easy to say "never ever" till you are faced with the situation.

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