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Russiandea12 · March 2014

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dogperson11 · March 2014

It's nice that she was willing to help, but I understand her hesitation to loose all her vacation/sick time (I might be the minority on that).

Do you have any other family or friends that could help a few hours each day? Does your 3.5 year old go to preschool? Maybe you could find another parent that would be willing to pick up / drop off your older child so you don't feel like you have to rush out of the house.

Can your mom take a Friday and a Monday so it turns into a long weekend?

I'm sorry this is stressful for you. I can understand being disappointed when the plans changed.

Eta: added words

MandMLeona · March 2014

Wow. I'm so sorry you are not getting the support you need. ((HUGS)) Is your mom usually this selfish? If not, maybe she'll get turned around and help out.

dogperson11 · March 2014

MandMLeona said:
Wow. I'm so sorry you are not getting the support you need. ((HUGS)) Is your mom usually this selfish? If not, maybe she'll get turned around and help out.

I'm failing to see how her mom keeping her personal vacation plans is selfish...

allygirl520 · March 2014

I understand wanting help, but just because they're your parents doesn't mean they have to do everything you ask them. Honestly, taking an entire week off for someone else is a big deal, even when it's family. Is your husband not available to help?

What about hiring a babysitter/nanny for a week to help?

MandMLeona · March 2014

dogperson11 said:

Wow. I'm so sorry you are not getting the support you need. ((HUGS)) Is your mom usually this selfish? If not, maybe she'll get turned around and help out.

I'm failing to see how her mom keeping her personal vacation plans is selfish...

Well, I guess I get the UO for this thread, but a vacation they can take any time versus the birth of a grandchild? No contest in my family. My folks were planning a month long trip for their 50th wedding anniversary. The moment they heard about our child coming they volunteered to take the trip some other time.

I RARELY ask for or expect any help from anyone, but postpartum for me ... I NEED help and I need it from family that I know and trust. It's way too vulnerable a time ... IMHO.

cashews29 · March 2014

I don't think her parents are selfish at all. This was a pre-planned vacation. It might already be paid for.

No one is required to help you out after your child is born. That is your H's job. If you need more help, considering hiring a short-term nanny or sitter for the older child.

Rannndi · March 2014

MandMLeona said:

dogperson11 said:

Wow. I'm so sorry you are not getting the support you need. ((HUGS)) Is your mom usually this selfish? If not, maybe she'll get turned around and help out.

I'm failing to see how her mom keeping her personal vacation plans is selfish...

Well, I guess I get the UO for this thread, but a vacation they can take any time versus the birth of a grandchild? No contest in my family. My folks were planning a month long trip for their 50th wedding anniversary. The moment they heard about our child coming they volunteered to take the trip some other time.

I RARELY ask for or expect any help from anyone, but postpartum for me ... I NEED help and I need it from family that I know and trust. It's way too vulnerable a time ... IMHO.

Here's the thing, they might choose to, but they shouldn't be EXPECTED to. These are two very different things. My mom already had a mission trip booked to Mexico in July (they think our babies could come in July because on average they come a month early). She talked to me about cancelling her trip...I told her no...These are MY babies. My husband and I chose for me to get pregnant at this time- not my mom.

I, in no way, expected her to cancel her trip. She did because she didn't want to miss the birth. But I would have never expected it from her. These are OUR children, OUR responsibility. I was hers and she did a great job at it, but now she doesn't have responsibility to help me with mine. She will- but I don't demand it of her.

aelhunt · March 2014

@mandmleona I think that OP's parents are not selfish in the least since they offered to cancel thier trip. I think it's selfish for a person to get PG and expect others to help out.

Help is great and wonderful but it's no one's job except the parents. Period.

MandMLeona · March 2014

cruelsound said:

MandMLeona said:

dogperson11 said:

Wow. I'm so sorry you are not getting the support you need. ((HUGS)) Is your mom usually this selfish? If not, maybe she'll get turned around and help out.

I'm failing to see how her mom keeping her personal vacation plans is selfish...

Well, I guess I get the UO for this thread, but a vacation they can take any time versus the birth of a grandchild? No contest in my family. My folks were planning a month long trip for their 50th wedding anniversary. The moment they heard about our child coming they volunteered to take the trip some other time.

I RARELY ask for or expect any help from anyone, but postpartum for me ... I NEED help and I need it from family that I know and trust. It's way too vulnerable a time ... IMHO.

So, you don't expect your parents to live their lives?

They raised kids already. They don't HAVE to continue to help raising kids, even if it's just a week at a time, and put their own lives on the back burner.

This made me laugh. I got a lecture about how my folks had their own lives to live from my dad when I was a teenager and wanted a little of his time (like an afternoon). So we aren't a family that gives up our lives for others. The way we see post partum...my mom is taking care of me...the same way we all offered to take care of her after her hysterectomy...or would step up for any other family member who had a medical need.

dogperson11 · March 2014

MandMLeona said:

cruelsound said:

MandMLeona said:

dogperson11 said:

Wow. I'm so sorry you are not getting the support you need. ((HUGS)) Is your mom usually this selfish? If not, maybe she'll get turned around and help out.

I'm failing to see how her mom keeping her personal vacation plans is selfish...

Well, I guess I get the UO for this thread, but a vacation they can take any time versus the birth of a grandchild? No contest in my family. My folks were planning a month long trip for their 50th wedding anniversary. The moment they heard about our child coming they volunteered to take the trip some other time.

I RARELY ask for or expect any help from anyone, but postpartum for me ... I NEED help and I need it from family that I know and trust. It's way too vulnerable a time ... IMHO.

So, you don't expect your parents to live their lives?

They raised kids already. They don't HAVE to continue to help raising kids, even if it's just a week at a time, and put their own lives on the back burner.

This made me laugh. I got a lecture about how my folks had their own lives to live from my dad when I was a teenager and wanted a little of his time (like an afternoon). So we aren't a family that gives up our lives for others. The way we see post partum...my mom is taking care of me...the same way we all offered to take care of her after her hysterectomy...or would step up for any other family member who had a medical need.

------

I can understand where you're coming from, but I think the difference here is that this is a CHOSEN medical need. When you choose to have kids you're choosing everything that goes along with that - sleepless nights, recovering from birth, paying for more insurance, buying baby items. None of this is anyone's responsibility besides the parents. It's wonderful when people choose to help, but it shouldn't be expected.

enigmasara · March 2014

One thing to be thankful for is that she gave you a 4-5 month heads up that she won't be able to help as much as she & you had hoped. This gives you time to find some alternatives.

My ILs won't be of any help at all and they both live within 45 min of us. My father could care less about the fact that I'm pregnant/him having grandkids. That leaves my mom. She is in NC & I'm in IN so getting here isn't the easiest for her, but she offered to help. She had tentatively planned a cruise for the end of April & was able to cancel it up until mid-February with a full refund. She offered to cancel the trip so she would have vacation time available to come help us in August. I told her NO WAY! She has earned this trip & this time off. We are adults & we can handle taking care of the baby ourselves.

Would it be nice to have someone help clean the house/take care of baby/allow me to sleep some...heck yes, but if I didn't think we could handle it on our own I wouldn't have gotten pregnant in the first place. I do understand that it is an added challenge when you have a toddler running around vs us being FT parents.

herecomesthesun · March 2014

Be gracious for what help you do get.

gris37 · March 2014

Where I live there's a doula organization that helps with prenatal care, labor, and post natal care. They offer help with cleaning your house, cooking food, and making sure you're ok. You should look into something like that, maybe you can hire a private doula if nothing else. I'm sorry you aren't getting the help you need. Don't focus on what you don't have, and instead look for someone that's willing to help. You certainly wouldn't want help from someone who isn't happy about providing it for you, especially right after the birth of you baby.

chase16 · March 2014

MandMLeona said:
Wow. I'm so sorry you are not getting the support you need. ((HUGS)) Is your mom usually this selfish? If not, maybe she'll get turned around and help out.

HUH????? Pretty please tell me this is sarcastic. If anyone is selfish in this situation, its OP. @cruelsound is right. We are adults. I don't EXPECT my mommy to come down after the baby is born, the same way I don't EXPECT my mommy and daddy to hold my hand in other aspects of my everyday adult life. I invited my mom to fly down after baby girl is born so she can meet her grand daughter if she wants, but I would never just expect my parents to give up their hard earned vacation time and drop everything in my ADULT life. Jesus. How old are you?

shevaCC · March 2014

I do think that this expectation can be a cultural one. My ILs fully expect that their children will provide for them in their old age. In exchange, they do as much as they can for us now. On the other hand, my parents expect to care for themselves in their retirement and wouldn't dream of asking me for money. If having the women of your family care for a new mother was a cultural expectation that you grew up with, I could see being upset that it wasn't being done for you.

BlckRoses · March 2014

I think it's understandable to be disappointed for a minute. But realize that it's not her responsibility and make alternative plans.

My SIL is getting married in Hawaii 3 weeks after baby is due, all of DH's family will be going and we won't be. Are we disappointed that we're going to miss this big event? Yes. Did we ask them to move the date? No way.

andreamarnold · March 2014

I think this is a problem with today's society that says we have to raise our kids alone and do everything ourselves. Although technically, correct, this is NOT normal human behavior... at the birth of a child you need physical and emotional support... and throughout the child's life, it's ideal to have a community of people contributing. My mother flew to be with me and stayed 3 weeks while my DS was born. Did I expect it? Maybe, because she always said she would be there. Vacations can be taken at any time. I needed my mother and I'm not going to apologize for it! All that being said, I would definitely try to find a good backup... maybe MIL? Or grandma? Sister?

Rannndi · March 2014

andreamarnold said:

I think this is a problem with today's society that says we have to raise our kids alone and do everything ourselves. Although technically, correct, this is NOT normal human behavior... at the birth of a child you need physical and emotional support... and throughout the child's life, it's ideal to have a community of people contributing. My mother flew to be with me and stayed 3 weeks while my DS was born. Did I expect it? Maybe, because she always said she would be there. Vacations can be taken at any time. I needed my mother and I'm not going to apologize for it! All that being said, I would definitely try to find a good backup... maybe MIL? Or grandma? Sister?

Really though?!

chase16 · March 2014

bobyn1113 said:

andreamarnold said:

I think this is a problem with today's society that says we have to raise our kids alone and do everything ourselves. Although technically, correct, this is NOT normal human behavior... at the birth of a child you need physical and emotional support... and throughout the child's life, it's ideal to have a community of people contributing. My mother flew to be with me and stayed 3 weeks while my DS was born. Did I expect it? Maybe, because she always said she would be there. Vacations can be taken at any time. I needed my mother and I'm not going to apologize for it! All that being said, I would definitely try to find a good backup... maybe MIL? Or grandma? Sister?
Srsly. YOU. ARE. A. GROWN. WOMAN.

Yup. This. "I needed my mommy" Really?

andreamarnold · March 2014

I'm sensing a lack of community here. I will always put my children first - no matter how old. I guess my relationship is different with my parents than most people. I will be the same with my children. Of course I am a grown up, and of course I could have done it on my own. But when you have people who love you, that means you don't have to go it alone.

BlckRoses · March 2014

bobyn1113 said:

andreamarnold said:

I think this is a problem with today's society that says we have to raise our kids alone and do everything ourselves. Although technically, correct, this is NOT normal human behavior... at the birth of a child you need physical and emotional support... and throughout the child's life, it's ideal to have a community of people contributing. My mother flew to be with me and stayed 3 weeks while my DS was born. Did I expect it? Maybe, because she always said she would be there. Vacations can be taken at any time. I needed my mother and I'm not going to apologize for it! All that being said, I would definitely try to find a good backup... maybe MIL? Or grandma? Sister?

Srsly. YOU. ARE. A. GROWN. WOMAN.

I actually want everyone except my husband to stay out of my house for a few weeks after baby gets here. If my mom stayed for 3 weeks, I'd be annoyed.

Rannndi · March 2014

andreamarnold said:

I'm sensing a lack of community here. I will always put my children first - no matter how old. I guess my relationship is different with my parents than most people. I will be the same with my children. Of course I am a grown up, and of course I could have done it on my own. But when you have people who love you, that means you don't have to go it alone.

This is true but just because I wouldn't expect or ask my mom to stay back for me as an adult, doesn't mean that I'm "going it alone." And I sure as hell feel bad that my mom chose to cancel her trip for me and my girls. So I would never EVER say, "I needed my mom and I won't apologize for it." By saying that, you're saying you couldn't have done it on your own.

IDK...I see something more meaningful when my parents don't feel pressured to be there for me, and they still want to be.

andreamarnold · March 2014

And you guys are a tough crowd... if you didn't want/need a sense of community, then why are you even posting things on these boards?? I honestly don't know what I get from this anymore. Mostly snarky comments is the answer...

chase16 · March 2014

Maybe I'm just missing something- but I don't get it. I don't ask my parents for money, I don't ask my parents to buy me stuff, I don't ask them to do anything for me. Nor do I expect them to. They raised me to be a self-sufficient, functioning adult. I call them, I visit them, they visit me, but I do not expect them to parent me anymore, since I am over the age of 18. We have an adult relationship.

I just don't understand where this sense of entitlement comes from. My parents raised me, they deserve to enjoy their senior years as empty nesters. They are done being "parents." It is their time to enjoy being grandparents, which does not mean helping me parent my own kids.

Rannndi · March 2014

andreamarnold said:

And you guys are a tough crowd... if you didn't want/need a sense of community, then why are you even posting things on these boards?? I honestly don't know what I get from this anymore. Mostly snarky comments is the answer...

WANTING it and EXPECTING it are two different things...

cashews29 · March 2014

I hope no one is at my house for at least a week post birth. Than I can talk about visiting and helping.

It's incredibly selfish to expect your parents, or anyone else, to change their plans because you're having a kid. We do a big vacation with two couples every year. We are missing this year because they planned it for when I'm hella pregnant. Should I have told them to cancel or reschedule for me? No, because that's ridiculous.

+RBL+ · March 2014

I was, kind of, in a similar situation.

I only told my mom about my pregnancy when I did because she was booking a family vacation for August. I was too late and she had already booked the houses. This means that pretty much ALL of my immediate family will be away in early August. I am not due until the end of the month but if I go into labor as early this time as I did last time, all of my family will be away.

I mentioned this to my mom. She still had the option to change the vacation dates but chose not to. I don't mind, I didn't really expect her to change the dates. But now I am not sure what I am going to do with DS if I do go into labor while they are on vacation. I am the youngest of 5 and all of my siblings and parent live within 5 miles of us. But they all go on vacation together too.

Oh, my parents are retired so not wanting to reschedule their vacation has nothing to do with taking time off.

Oh well, DS might be coming to the hospital with us now! I have no expectations of help after the baby is born.

cashews29 · March 2014

I do want a sense of community. That doesn't mean I expect my parents to drop everything and come to my house once my baby is born.

rockyrollgirl · March 2014

I dunno if I missed this, but why can't the SO take a week off?

I agree with other PPs though that it is selfish to expect a parent to take a week off to help with your kid. Especially when they had a vacation planned.

mikescutie7 · March 2014

I think there's nothing wrong with being disappointed, but the OP's demanding and selfish attitude are dead wrong. If you choose to have a kid you must be prepared to take care of it whether you have help or not

Rannndi · March 2014

cruelsound said:

toratoratori said:

mikescutie7 said:

I think there's nothing wrong with being disappointed, but the OP's demanding and selfish attitude are dead wrong. If you choose to have a kid you must be prepared to take care of it whether you have help or not
I totally agree. I just felt like some of the criticism was lodged at her disappointment, rather than her inflexible expectations. Which, now that I think about it, has she even been back to this thread to respond? Do we know if her expectations can / will be adjusted? I'd be interested to see what she has to say after all of the other commentary, but she appears to have abandoned ship.

They always do. (I'm still waiting for the No shower- But still want gifts! chick to come back.)

I'm still waiting for "deleted" to come back LOL

Russiandea12 · March 2014

Wow. I didn't expect that post to get everyone so rialed up at me & each other. That being said, I don't expect my parents to help, they didn't much at all with my son. I was however hoping this time around that they could. My husband & I understand that this is our child, our family and we are adults and responsbible for taking care of our family on our own. I was just hoping for a little support in what I believe will be a very chaotic time for us. Really just wanted to vent my feelings of disapointment, that it appears should have been left unposted.

dogperson11 · March 2014

Russiandea12 said:
Wow. I didn't expect that post to get everyone so rialed up at me & each other. That being said, I don't expect my parents to help, they didn't much at all with my son. I was however hoping this time around that they could. My husband & I understand that this is our child, our family and we are adults and responsbible for taking care of our family on our own. I was just hoping for a little support in what I believe will be a very chaotic time for us. Really just wanted to vent my feelings of disapointment, that it appears should have been left unposted.

Still no explanation about expectations for the father of the baby...

allygirl520 · March 2014

OP:

https://www.blogger.com/

SLMckinnon · March 2014

As much as I would love the help, I don't expect my parents (or anyone other than my DH for that matter) to stop their lives to help me. As PPs have said, we chose to have these babies, they are our responsibility not that of our parents. That being said, I'm thrilled my family is all planning on being around after baby is born, not because they need to help me out but to meet their first grandchild! My parents asked if I minded if they went away 4 weeks after my due date for a week. I said of course I didn't mind, they should definitely take their trip and baby and I will still be around when they get back

tamarar5 · March 2014

My parents are the only relatives who live less than 200 or more miles away. My mom decided to plan her summer vacation the two weeks before and after my due date, knowing that we had no other alternative for child care during delivery. Add it stands right now, I'm having this baby alone so DH can stay with our kids.

I'm sorry that you are having problems getting help. Been there done that.

Unknown · March 2014

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Unknown · March 2014

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Lawgrl04 · March 2014

If your mom isn't 100% all in, there is no way I would try talking her into it. Helping you out is a lot of work and you don't want someone there who isn't totally up for it. My mom volunteered to help after my 3rd kid, did help, and then she kind of resented it. And she wanted to do it! I could only imagine if she'd had mixed feelings. The good news is, because your son is 3.5, at least you don't have to lift him all of the time. He can probably get in/ out of the car on his own, and up and down the stairs.

That said, I get why you are disappointed. I would be, too. I have a daughter, and one day, when she has kids, I will be there for her in any way she wants or needs. I think it will be way more important to me than a vacation. I would be hurt if my own mother didn't see it the same way.

With my first two kids, my mom was working and couldn't help. I had other people to help me, and that was fine. I knew she wanted to be with me, and her absence wasn't because she had planned a vacation.

It seems like most of the people who are critical of OP say they wouldn't dream of expecting that help. They then go on to say that their own families happen to be very helpful, but they certainly don't expect it. Hmm...I don't know. You might feel differently if you were actually in her situation. And she never said she couldn't take care of her own kids.

There are lots of details that would be good to know - can H help? Other family? Are the vacations paid for, etc? Putting all that aside, I can say that I feel for OP.

Jennicillin · March 2014

Lawgrl04 said:

If your mom isn't 100% all in, there is no way I would try talking her into it. Helping you out is a lot of work and you don't want someone there who isn't totally up for it. My mom volunteered to help after my 3rd kid, did help, and then she kind of resented it. And she wanted to do it! I could only imagine if she'd had mixed feelings. The good news is, because your son is 3.5, at least you don't have to lift him all of the time. He can probably get in/ out of the car on his own, and up and down the stairs.

That said, I get why you are disappointed. I would be, too. I have a daughter, and one day, when she has kids, I will be there for her in any way she wants or needs. I think it will be way more important to me than a vacation. I would be hurt if my own mother didn't see it the same way.

With my first two kids, my mom was working and couldn't help. I had other people to help me, and that was fine. I knew she wanted to be with me, and her absence wasn't because she had planned a vacation.

It seems like most of the people who are critical of OP say they wouldn't dream of expecting that help. They then go on to say that their own families happen to be very helpful, but they certainly don't expect it. Hmm...I don't know. You might feel differently if you were actually in her situation. And she never said she couldn't take care of her own kids.

There are lots of details that would be good to know - can H help? Other family? Are the vacations paid for, etc? Putting all that aside, I can say that I feel for OP.

This.... this is what I've been trying to figure out how to say since this thread started.

ETA: All the comments that come with a side order of "You have a husband too you know" kind of irritated me too. I do have a husband who will be gone. Not all Husbands are in the position to be home and help, as much as they want to be. We had no clue when we were trying my husband was going to be deploying. We were told he couldn't yet because of training, that tune changed and now we're heavily reliant on others.

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