Is this nuts?

glaw · March 2014

One of my co-workers who is also a really good friend is out on ML with her second (her kids are 17 mos apart). She has a nanny that was taking care of her older one and also hired a live-in. She's been telling me that there's no way my one nanny can take care of 2 kids. She says on days she only has the nanny and live-in is off that one or both of the kids does not receive enough attention. She also told me all her friends who have a nanny and 2 kids stay home and work alongside the nanny to take care of the kids - basically one adult for each child

Now my friend has always been a bit high maintenance and we are definitely different BUT I'm starting to freak out a little that my nanny won't be able to adequately take care of my 2 when I go back to work. Mine will be 21 mos apart. My nanny has said it'll be fine - but she's never done it before!

Ok so is my friend nuts? Am I nuts? Can one nanny adequately meet the needs of 2 under 2? I've also seen a few people post that their parents or in laws couldn't handle taking care of 2 and changed their care situation when #2 arrived so that is also adding to my worries.

Thanks for any input or advice!

CarrieB. · March 2014

I think that learning to share, take turns and play independently are all valuable skills that a child would learn when they share a caregiver with a sibling, even when it's 2 under 2. So yes, I think your friend is nuts.

Meery82 · March 2014

Parents do it all the time. Why couldn't a nanny handle it for a few hours a day?

Avion22 · March 2014

I think it's worth giving your current nanny a shot with two kids. Lots of SAHMs can do it, so I don't see why a nanny wouldn't be able to.

Sure, maybe not ALL nannies can do it, but I'm sure that many can. From what I understand, most people fee uncomfortable having their retired parents look after two under two because they aren't as physically mobile anymore, or because their homes aren't set up for two little kids. But again, this varies by situation. My parents and my ILs woudln't be able to handle two little kids for more than maybe an hour or so, but I'm sure some other parents would do just fine :-)

VOR · March 2014

This is beyond "nuts". It's ridiculous. A nanny, just like a parent, can take care of two kids at a time.

MommyAtty · March 2014

Good lord. Is this woman going to hire multiple governesses to teach her kids when they hit school age? At some point, her kids could end up in school with (gasp!) a student to teacher ratio larger than 1:1. A nanny should easily be able to handle 2. My in laws can't, but that's lack of energy because they are in their 70s. If they were younger, it wouldn't be as big a deal.

mlee116 · March 2014

This is one of the dumbest things I've ever heard. Seriously. How in the world could human civilization have survived and thrived if one person could not have handled more than one child at a time? How do SAHMs do it? How do teachers do it? Your friend needs a reality check. Just because she can't do it doesn't mean other people can't.

emberlee3 · March 2014

+1 for your friend being nuts.

brachysira · March 2014

I used to do this in the summer in middle school! I didn't have a newborn, but I had a 11 month old and a 22 month-old. I had none of these tools, but it would be easier for your nanny if she had a double stroller, well-placed gates, easy-to-prepare foods, and had worked with the toddler on activities to do with minimal help. I would lower your cleaning expectations too. My DH's co-worker has a live-in nanny and does a nanny share with the neighbors. They have a 8 month-old, 2 year-old, 4 year-old, 6 year-old in school, and the neighbors have a 4 year-old, and a couple school-age kids. She cares for them all, including the school-aged kids after school and in the summer. That sounds like too many. Two under 2 does not.

88sharonlee · March 2014

Yes that us nuts. My DCP has 4 kids at a time and is licensed for up to 6 all by herself. 2u2 is hard sure, but it would be crazier to me to have two nannies! Seriously, a nanny per kid- weird!

litzo27 · March 2014

Yes definitely possible. It is harder though so I hope you are considering bumping up the nanny's salary.

jf198400 · March 2014

That is the most insane thing I've heard on this board in quite awhile. I had mine 18 months apart and had no trouble managing on my own with them. I had help from DH or my mom the first 3 weeks of ML and then it was just me. And you know what it was actually a lot easier than I thought it would be. My mom watched both of them by herself when I went back to work. I am one of the posters who said it got to be too much for my mom and we switched to FT DC when DS was 8 months. This is b/c my mom has back problems. It was physically too much watching 2 toddlers who were both mobile. She is still capable of babysitting them on an as needed basis. She just can't do it everyday. I see no problem with a younger nanny watching 2 kids.

Also I agree with the poster who said that having the right gear helps a lot- a double stroller, a baby carrier (I rec the ergo), baby gates, and a completely child proofed playroom.

brachysira · March 2014

Not to say that if money was no object....sure, I'd stay home, hire a nanny for each child, a chef, a housecleaner, and perhaps some kind of house manager. When I become a SAHM to 2 under 2 in September, I will probably hire a baby-sitter a few hours/week for a break and to do errands. If your older LO has an activity that little LO can't attend, it might be nice to hire a baby-sitter to take older LO. Or maybe a relative would take older LO to lunch once/week just to give nanny a break and older LO more attention. But it is absolutely not common to have 2 children cared for by more than 1 adult.

dashofreality · March 2014

Yes, nuts. And going to be an awesome helicopter parent. I had 2u2, it is hard, but having an infant in general is hard. And then you have to find the balance of attention between children, but it is good for kids to not have undivided attention all the time.

A competent nanny won't have any issue with 2u2, especially because they get uninterrupted sleep at night!

ss265 · March 2014

You have to realize that your friend is making a comparison from her point of view. Since she can afford so much help, she doesn't understand how other people make do with much less help.

I face something similar with my family - my SIL has twins, she stays at home, has a live in maid, a live in nanny for the kids, and my Mom goes over there almost daily to help out. As a result, my Mom is freaked out about how I am going to manage with 2u2 because from her point of view, I have a lot less help. It is completely manageable and my SIL just has excessive help.

mexicolombiana · March 2014

Um. Your friend is nuts.

itsmevkb · March 2014

I want to ask if this is a serious post.

I've got four kids, no nanny, no live-in, unless we're counting my husband which I assume your friend has as well, and I manage just fine and my kids all get plenty of attention. How do you think moms of twins handle this?

JulyMomma2U2 · March 2014

Our nanny has had no issue caring for my 2. I'm a bit concerned about how she'll adjust when there's 3, but 2 is definitely fine. It's no different then you being a SAHM to 2 or 3 kids? My boys tend to nap on opposite schedules (DS1, 20 months, takes 1 2-hr nap/day, and DS2, 8 months, takes 2 1.5hr naps/day).. this helps so that for the majority of the day she's only caring for one child at a time, but even when they are both up, it's not an issue. As PP mentioned, both my kids occasionally have to wait for attention, but it's not necessarily a bad thing.. I think it's important that they realize that the world does not stop because they want a juice cup or a snack.. sometimes, they may have to wait 2 minutes before their wants can be addressed

brachysira · March 2014

Yeah, Duggars...mom Duggar can't do 19 without a lot of help from the older kids. But think about Anna. Sure, it was just TV, but she put together a dinner party complete with firing up the grill while her 3 napped, and Michael wouldn't even stay in bed...and she seemed to cook for the whole Duggar clan while caring for 2 LOs from time to time. And she has to care for them at night too...although apparently her 3rd LO slept through the night at 1 week...I didn't know that was possible. But yeah, I don't know anyone who has 2 nannies for 2 kids. Maybe get a housekeeper if you can swing it.

ccam · March 2014

I vote nuts. My DS is in a center where the ratios are 4 to 1. He gets plenty of attention and all of his needs are met. Does he have 1 on 1 time all day long? No, but he is also learning to play independently and to socialize with the other kids.

I also don't really think you can compare that to people saying that their in-laws can't handle 2 kids full time. A lot of people's in-laws or parents might be older and are, usually, not being paid!

glaw · March 2014

Thank you all so much for the replies. Many of you said the same things I told my friend. I told her so many moms take care of multiple children on their own and have no help! I also agree its good for the kids to learn patience and to take turns.

For the record I think it's nuts to have 2 nannies as well. At the point of having 2, I might as well quit bc I would be paying more to the nannies than I would be earning!!!

I appreciate the suggestions on setting my nanny up for success with 2. I already bought a used double stroller and have carriers and our whole house is child proofed so hopefully this will help.

My friend was being very insistent that 2 kids would be basically neglected with one nanny and now that I have a little distance I feel like part of it is maybe her own insecurities with what she is doing and she wants to convince me to do the same to make herself feel better and justify her decision. She also is rarely alone with even 1 of her kids. I'm talking about maybe a few times a year max. I consistently have every Friday off with just my DD so I know we are different.

Thanks for all the feedback and confirming that I am not nuts!!!

*sparky* · March 2014

mystererae said:

Rich people logic.

Yeah, this. Of course you don't NEED one nanny for each kid. But if I had the means to do so, I would absolutely hire all of the help I could get. It is easy to justify wants as needs when you have the means to do so.

I know one woman who was a SAHM and had twins within a year after having her first child, and she had one nanny come in to help her while she was adjusting to life with three under one. That seems completely rational to me, as that was a lot to deal with.

djm31012 · March 2014

I am wondering if you are misunderstanding her. A lot of people have nannies but in the early days/months some hire a baby nurse to be there overnight and get up with the infant. Could that be what she is referring to just until the baby is sleeping through the night? Maybe not..just trying to give her the benefit of the doubt bc she sounds ignorant.

I had a situation at work recently...DS woke up with a fever after i was already at work...he couldnt go to DC, I was scramblign to find him care and find someone to take him to the dr. The guy next to me at work turned to me and said...i feel you, my wife is having a hard morning ..the nanny called in sick and my son X is home sick, so she cant go to spin and everything is falling on her, i feel so bad. Shes a SAHM...had to skip her workout class to take care of her sick child one day while the full time nanny couldnt make it. UMMM sorry if i dont feel as bad for her as i do for me!

glaw · March 2014

@djm31012‌ - nope no misunderstanding. She has a nanny M-F and a live-in Tues-Sun. This has been going on since before her 2nd was born, during ML and will definitely continue when she comes back to work in about a month.

mittensonkittens · March 2014

I would hire a live in housekeeper and a personal chef long before I would consider a second nanny. And a masseuse to come to my house weekly, a personal trainer, and a personal assistant. If all those bases were already covered, then sure, why the heck not.

Virgo17 · March 2014

glaw said:

@djm31012‌ - nope no misunderstanding. She has a nanny M-F and a live-in Tues-Sun. This has been going on since before her 2nd was born, during ML and will definitely continue when she comes back to work in about a month.

So she pretty much has 24 hour coverage? I honestly do not understand needing this much help. In my dream world, I would be rich enough to have a housekeeper, personal chef, assistant, etc. I might have one nanny so that I could take one kid to the doctor without bringing everyone else along. However, the end goal would be to simplify the rest of my life so that I could spend time with my kids without worrying about what else needed to be done. It sounds like she wants to completely outsource childcare as well.

If she really thought each child needed that much attention, they should have been one and done...problem solved!

shannm · March 2014

Yes, your friend is nuts. A friend had a toddler and twin newborns in the care of one nanny and was fine.
Your friend is living on another planet and you guys must poop gold bricks to afford that much childcare.

skibunny59 · March 2014

Wait. I don't understand. If she is home on ML then why does she need a nanny AND a live-in? That sounds really expensive.

If I could afford a nanny AND a live-in when I was on ML then I probably would just quit my job and stay home with my babies.

skibunny59 · March 2014

djm31012 said:

I am wondering if you are misunderstanding her. A lot of people have nannies but in the early days/months some hire a baby nurse to be there overnight and get up with the infant. Could that be what she is referring to just until the baby is sleeping through the night? Maybe not..just trying to give her the benefit of the doubt bc she sounds ignorant.
I had a situation at work recently...DS woke up with a fever after i was already at work...he couldnt go to DC, I was scramblign to find him care and find someone to take him to the dr. The guy next to me at work turned to me and said...i feel you, my wife is having a hard morning ..the nanny called in sick and my son X is home sick, so she cant go to spin and everything is falling on her, i feel so bad. Shes a SAHM...had to skip her workout class to take care of her sick child one day while the full time nanny couldnt make it. UMMM sorry if i dont feel as bad for her as i do for me!

Wow! This kind of crap just pisses me off. People really have their priorities out of whack.

Sorry, it just really annoys the hell out of me when I hear of SAHM having full time nannies. If you stay at home then why the hell do you need to hire someone to take care of your kid. My SIL is a SAHM and she cares for her 2 kids and the neighbor's 2 kids all on her own. She works freakin' hard.

glaw · March 2014

shannm said:
Yes, your friend is nuts. A friend had a toddler and twin newborns in the care of one nanny and was fine.
Your friend is living on another planet and you guys must poop gold bricks to afford that much childcare.

If you read my follow up, I said I could not afford 2 nannies. It would be more than my salary thereby making no sense. Yes my friend is very well off (thru her DH - her and I work together and make same salary). So while I wish I pooped gold or diamonds or platinum, last I checked its still the brown stuff you're probably pooping too

Lol!

@skibunny59‌ - yes don't even get me started on trying to understand the 2 nannies while on ML (except for Mondays when she's only got 1). I will also be keeping my 1 nanny while on my 2nd ML BUT its bc I can't risk losing her if I tell her I don't need her for 5 months.

My friend says that having 2 is exhausting, draining, etc and all of this is WITH the 2 nannies. I can't really say anything bc I only have 1 right now. She's really a good person. I don't know why she can't handle it. I think she wants to just do everything and somewhere something has to give. Her DH sucks and doesn't help much. She allowed him to sleep in another room for 4plus months so his sleep wouldn't suffer. They also like to go out a lot at night and have lots of social events so maybe this accounts for needing more help. I don't really know. I just wanted to see (bc I don't have any IRL friends with 2) if this is normal with 2 or not. I'm convinced now it is not.

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