Well, that was awful.

TarheelMama202 · March 2014

I had an appointment at my OB-GYN this morning to discuss my concerns about TTGP again. I'll go ahead and make two apologies:

1. I am a huge Debbie Downer throughout this entire post. No uplifting tomfoolery from Tarheel on this one.

2. This is incredibly long. I just sent it in a PM to KLeigh, but I figured I would put it out on the board to see if anyone else had insight to offer.

I went in just to have a check-up and explain my concerns about fertility issues, since I hadn't been taking any sort of birth control since late summer and I have only had one 64-day cycle. I had never seen this doctor before. She didn't ask any questions about family history when it comes to fertility, which in retrospect really bothers me. My grandmother miscarried multiple times and ended up only carrying my mother to term. My mom tried for years before finally getting pregnant with my brother using Clomid, and then I just sort of happened naturally. I could go into great detail about the other members of my family and their fertility issues, but for brevity's sake I'll leave it at that.

I expressed my concerns that I had been off of birth control since late summer and my odd cycle length. The doctor's response was that I had been nursing up until two weeks ago, so this was totally normal. Her exact words were "women have been using lactation as a method of birth control for years." Riiiiiiiight, but they also pressured me to start taking the mini-pill at my six-week PP visit because they said lactation was not a guaranteed form of birth control. We all clearly know it is possible to get pregnant while nursing, as is evidenced by many of the women on our board. Okay, fine.

She then told me (and this is a direct quote): "I mean, it depends on how many interventions you want to use. Some women want tons of interventions, and they want a shot in four weeks if their period doesn't start again. Some women are more go-with-the-flow. I guess it depends on how laid back you are or how many interventions you want."

So, at this point I'm a bit taken aback and not quite sure what to say. She then says, "Can I ask you something? I mean, what's the rush? Why do you want to get pregnant again so soon? You have a healthy one-year old. You're young. You were able to get pregnant easily the first time around. Why the rush?"

I honestly thought this was a rhetorical question, so I just sort of nodded and said I understood what she was saying. Then, she pressed on: "No, really. I'm asking you a question. What's the rush?"

This is the point in which I became very uncomfortable and felt like an idiot. I told her that my husband was a second year med-student, and that from talking to others who had children in his program that we thought third or fourth years would be the best time for us to add another child. I told her we wanted to be finished having children by the time he started residency. I was so in shock that I didn't even think to tell her the other reasons that my husband and I had decided upon-- that we want our children to be close in age, and that I'm starting a graduate school program in the fall that requires a full-time internship next summer, so I would like to have a child by the middle of next year and get the newborn months over with before that. I was just so shocked that this doctor had inserted herself into my family's personal family planning that I didn't know what to say.

Then--to add insult to injury-- she threw my history of PPD in my face. She asked me why I didn't want to just take some time to feel better. (She didn't think to ask me how I was currently feeling-- which is fan-damn-tastic now that I'm no longer nursing and my hormones are under control! I've even stopped taking my daily Lexapro and am only taking Klonopin as needed!) She pulled out the list of medications that I'm currently taking and said, "I mean, we wouldn't want you taking any of these if you were trying to get pregnant. For the safety of your baby."

No shit, woman. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist next week so that I can discuss weaning off of those medications because I honestly no longer need them, but she didn't ask me that.

So now I'm sitting here feeling like an idiot for wanting to have another baby, even though it's a decision my husband and I have made. I'm also feeling like she didn't address my original concerns. She told me that doctors only became concerned about the length between cycles if it was more than 90 days. NINETY! Now, I am not a doctor, but I know that isn't true. I certainly don't want to call her up again in four weeks if I haven't had a period, lest she thing I am too reliant on "interventions."

What would you do? Naturally I left the appointment and called DH crying, who told me to call the office manager, complain about my experience, and request an appointment with another doctor so that my concerns will actually be addressed. What do you think?

djm31012 · March 2014

The dr certainly sounds like she lacks in the bedside manner department so I will give you that and I would be annoyed/angry/upset as well. That being said...not sure how long you have been trying and dont want to pry but I do think given that you just stopped nursing 2 weeks ago you should give it another month or 2 to regulate. While that doesnt serve as a perfect solution for contraception...it certainly can affect some people differently than others. I stopped nursing and got my period 3 weeks later and its been consistent ever since. Everyones body reacts to pregnancy and nursing differently, so it could just be taking you longer to get back to "normal." Hormones are crazy. You also sound stressed about the fact that it hasnt come and you arent pregnant so I have no doubts that is probably affecting your ability. Try to give it just a little bit longer if you can...and then request to see a different doctor.

as far as why you want to have another baby now? who cares!! thats for you and DH to know!!

TarheelMama202 · March 2014

ByeByeBooze said:

I am so sorry that you had such a bad experience!! I would totally call and complain and ask to see someone else. I would even consider a different practice because I don't think I would be comfortable with the possibility of having to deal with that doc through a pregnancy. It's terrible that you left feeling badly enough about yourself and your decisions to call your DH crying. What a bitch that chick was!! You should have used some of that sass we see here to tell her where she should shove her stupid judgements!

Right?! I was so dumbfounded by her that I was in total shock!

I forgot to add in my original post that she also tried to argue with me about 3rd year being a good time to have a baby.

ericalee27 · March 2014

Hugs! That is crazy. I agree with PPs to seek out another practice.

Was this the practice you delivered DS with?!? When I'm off mobile, I can PM you some recs for a different practice if you are interested, I hope it's not mine!!!

Drea926 · March 2014

I'm sorry you had to go through that, Pal. :-(

I would without a doubt, find a new doctor. You need someone who's going to support and help you.

FWIW - I only nursed for 2 months, and only 2 weeks exclusively, and my body took another 4-6 weeks to regulate after I completely dried up and for me to get my period again.

jesuisfatiguee · March 2014

First of all, fuck your doctor and her perpetuating the mental illness stimga. How dare she even ask you why you want to have another child right now? Like DC, I can't read the whole thing right now (I read most and skimmed some) because it is really pissing me off.

She had no right to talk to you like that or make you feel that way. I would find a new doctor ASAP. She clearly is not someone you can fully trust and feel comfortable around, which is very important when dealing with a doctor of any kind, IMO.

TarheelMama202 · March 2014

lrtrauth said:

Friend,.. She is a stupid bitch. I would be completely livid if I were you (or your husband for that matter) that she felt like it was her right to give her two cents on when specifically you want to have kids. I know where you're coming from in regards to what you said and didn't say because in those sorts of situations when you are put on the spot, the least important info comes out and later on you remember everything you should have said. Do NOT beat yourself up about how the appointment went on your end, and also what you and your husband have decided in regards to when to have the next baby. Your uterus = your decision. Be the strong Southern woman we all know and love and stand your ground on this. I totally agree with your husband to complain.

Yes, this was it exactly! I was so confused by how she was conducting herself that I was at a total loss. In retrospect I have so much shit to say. I'm definitely calling to complain and switching practices.

TarheelMama202 · March 2014

ericalee27 said:

Hugs! That is crazy. I agree with PPs to seek out another practice. Was this the practice you delivered DS with?!? When I'm off mobile, I can PM you some recs for a different practice if you are interested, I hope it's not mine!!!

Yes it is! They offer both Midwives and OBs, so that narrows it down to not many practices around here. I saw the OBs with my last pregnancy, so I think they automatically just booked my appointment with an OB this time without asking me. I had planned to go the Midwife route with my second pregnancy, but again, I wasn't asked when I booked this appointment. I would love other suggestions of practices.

TarheelMama202 · March 2014

DC2London said:

I haven't even made it through your entire post yet bc it is making me too ragey to read it all at once, but I feel compelled to deploy this gif in response to her questiong YOUR family planning.

What the hell business is it of hers why you want to space your children how you do? Lady needs to do her job. She's a gynecologist, not a therapist.

Okay, good, so I'm not crazy to think she was being a huge cunt.

TarheelMama202 · March 2014

je+suis=fatiguee said:

First of all, fuck your doctor and her perpetuating the mental illness stimga. How dare she even ask you why you want to have another child right now? Like DC, I can't read the whole thing right now (I read most and skimmed some) because it is really pissing me off.
She had no right to talk to you like that or make you feel that way. I would find a new doctor ASAP. She clearly is not someone you can fully trust and feel comfortable around, which is very important when dealing with a doctor of any kind, IMO.

I think that was probably what made me the most sad. She definitely looked down on me as the poor crazy lady with PPD who couldn't possibly handle having another kid anytime soon, without having any knowledge of my personal experience with PPD or the strides I've made recently. I cannot stand it when the mental illness stigma is perpetuated, and she did exactly that.

tamarar5 · March 2014

My own mother did the same thing with PPD when I told her I was pregnant again. This is also the same woman who anytime I expressed the slightest interest in going out and having fun with people my own age after DD was born, would throw my past experience in my face and say, "Remember what happened last time." As if I could somehow magically forget that a terrible, controlling, abusive relationship resulted in me being single, pregnant, and living with my parents. AGAIN.

Forget that douchebag. Pour yourself a glass of wine, gather some liquid courage, call the office back and bitch that not only was that "doctor" unprofessional, but she didn't address one of your concerns. I would also attempt to get out of paying for the visit. I wouldn't even bother trying to see someone else in that office, because when you do get pregnant, you could very likely end up with her as an ob! Try another office.

I'm sorry! I had the same experience with one of the drs in my current ob office. At my 14 wk appointment she basically calls me an idiot for getting pregnant and told me I shouldn't "want" more than two kids. While I was already pregnant with #3.

Edit for spelling

eriannc22 · March 2014

Sooo awful!! I hate it when doctors try to speak on things that are none of their damn business. My previous OB made an offhand comment that I should only have two kids.

Good luck! I hope you are knocked up soon!

ericalee27 · March 2014

TarheelMama202 said:

ericalee27 said:

Hugs! That is crazy. I agree with PPs to seek out another practice. Was this the practice you delivered DS with?!? When I'm off mobile, I can PM you some recs for a different practice if you are interested, I hope it's not mine!!!
Yes it is! They offer both Midwives and OBs, so that narrows it down to not many practices around here. I saw the OBs with my last pregnancy, so I think they automatically just booked my appointment with an OB this time without asking me. I had planned to go the Midwife route with my second pregnancy, but again, I wasn't asked when I booked this appointment. I would love other suggestions of practices.

YGPM!

kleigh926 · March 2014

I sent you a PM back, but as I'm reading others' responses and thinking about it more, 2 things bother me the most: the fact that she questioned your family planning that you and your husband decided on (which are the only 2 people that matter, by the way) and that she brought up your PPD in a negative way. My husband and lots of people in his family struggle with anxiety and depression. I myself also struggle with both at times. The stigma about mental health has got to stop. It's just stupid. It can be successfully managed and I'm upset that she would've used that as a way to make you feel bad and convince you to delay having another baby. She sucks.

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