How did you choose a direction?

ILoveRedVino · March 2014

We are in the very earliest stages of pursuing adoption. IVF #3 just failed recently.

We'd decided originally on foster to adopt, feeling like it was the universe's perfect way of matching us with our family. Then I met with a counselor who basically talked me out of it. I realized that this vision in my head wasn't realistic.

So, we decided on DIA. But... Good lord, it's expensive. And then went we want a second kid, we start all over. Now I'm feeling like that isn't the best option either.

Is it normal to go back and forth? How did you decide? Did you have a gut feeling or know all along? Is questioning everything normal?

This whole thing is so daunting.

Thanks

Dr.Loretta · March 2014

Yes it's normal, especially as you do research. We wanted to raise a newborn, so DIA was a pretty easy decision for us. We are considering foster adopt if we were to do it again--H is fine skipping another newborn stage

I encourage you to research all routes and how to get there within each route. And look into grants, fundraising, and reimbursement programs

lorifromwi · March 2014

We have pondered IA, DIA and now we have settled on foster to adopt. Part of our decision is that we are still pursing infertility and the cost of doing that with any sort of private adopt was just going to break the bank. If we get to the point where we stop trying to have a bio, I'm sure we will reassess our options. I think it's okay, and probably healthy, to question all of the options out there. They all have benefits and drawbacks and as your life evolves your choice may need to as well. Good luck with your decision, but in the end you will make the right choice for building your family.

JWinCT · March 2014

It's always been important to DH to adopt a child, especially through the state because he and his siblings were in the system and he wants to pay it forward to a child in need. We first thought we would foster-to-adopt, but then we discovered that you can apply for No Legal Risk adoption through the state. You still have to go through the foster licensing, but you don't actually end of fostering. We decided that was the best route for us because we already have two young children, and just couldn't imagine if we had a foster child for a long period of time and then had the child reunited with family, what affect it would have on the kids and on us.

If it wasn't so expensive, we would look into adopting through an agency, as well.

Good luck!

CaptainSerious · March 2014

Each type of foster/adoption has different things it brings with it. Once you know what you are looking for, it will be easier to find the path that's best for you.

May I ask what the counselor said that made you change your mind against foster to adopt? Was the counselor a fertility counselor or someone familiar with adoption? The reason I ask is that, while foster adoption isn't for everyone, there are also a lot of misconceptions about it. What are your concerns about adopting from foster care?

How do you picture your family? If you are set on the idea of raising a newborn, or a child from as early as possible, than your best bet might be DIA. If, however, you see yourself possibly bringing home an older child, than you might want to look into adopting internationally or from foster care. Those two paths are similar in a lot of ways, but they also each have their unique challenges that you'll have to consider before deciding on your final course.

MileHighMaam · March 2014

I am curious what the counselor said to make you change your mind and why you were considering foster to adopt originally?

We are pursuing foster to adopt, infant adoption was never even a consideration for us. We decided we did not want to go through the newborn stage for a number of personal reasons (my age and my travel schedule are two of the big ones) but we did want to be parents. We did go to the county originally and they said they no longer take applications for foster to adopt for children under the age of 10. We are looking at a 3-8 year old so we went with a private agency instead.

ILoveRedVino · March 2014

CaptainSerious said:
May I ask what the counselor said that made you change your mind against foster to adopt? Was the counselor a fertility counselor or someone familiar with adoption? The reason I ask is that, while foster adoption isn't for everyone, there are also a lot of misconceptions about it. What are your concerns about adopting from foster care?

How do you picture your family?

The counselor specializes in state adoption cases- she works with bio parents, adoptive parents and the kiddos.

We don't necessarily need a newborn, but I think 2 would be the oldest we'd be comfortable with. A sibling set would be amazing. We don't have race or sex preferences.

She basically told me that we wouldn't find kids that little in our state. Average age of kids who are in the system is 8. We are not prepared or equipped for older kids, and honestly, it doesn't appeal to me.

State adoption appealed to me because I feel like those kids need parents and we need kids. It may sound dumb, but I just felt like we are all missing parts of our families and putting us together is kind of perfect.

I just don't know what to do.

Thank you all.

aligross · March 2014

Oh how normal it is to teeter back and forth... or at least I hope it is normal, because we feel it ALL.THE.TIME. (on which direction to go... foster to adopt, agency adoption etc.) We knew that we wanted an infant for our first child so DIA was what sealed our deal and we had the money to go ahead with it. I think if it were me and I were you, I'd be on the phone with an agency that worked directly with foster to adopt kiddos - I have multiple friends who yes they had a bit of a wait (6 months) but were placed with siblings where one was an infant and one was in their toddler stage of life. It is possible, there are kids/siblings out there who need families who are willing to take on a family of kiddos!

CaptainSerious · March 2014

ILoveRedVino said: The counselor specializes in state adoption cases- she works with bio parents, adoptive parents and the kiddos. We don't necessarily need a newborn, but I think 2 would be the oldest we'd be comfortable with. A sibling set would be amazing. We don't have race or sex preferences. She basically told me that we wouldn't find kids that little in our state. Average age of kids who are in the system is 8. We are not prepared or equipped for older kids, and honestly, it doesn't appeal to me. State adoption appealed to me because I feel like those kids need parents and we need kids. It may sound dumb, but I just felt like we are all missing parts of our families and putting us together is kind of perfect. I just don't know what to do. Thank you all.

It does make sense that she was telling you that there are few young children available for adoption in state care. That seems to be the norm nationwide, becuase there are so many families that would love to adopt younger children from care and, typically with the very young children, their parents may be working toward reunification...so it's not until they are older that they are available for adoption. Still, I've heard of many state workers in the foster care system discourage families from becoming licensed to foster to adopt young children because they need foster homes open to older children. Often with the families that adopt younger children from foster case, the homes close to new placements. Often counties will see this as undesirable because then they have to spend the time to license more homes.

The bolded sentences above do not sound dumb at all. It's part of why I asked. If part of your hope of adopting is to offer a home and loving family to a child that needs one, then perhaps DIA isn't the path for you, unless you are open to children with special needs or live in an area that is looking for homes for infants of color and you are open to that possibility. The reason I say this is that in most cases, there are more than enough families waiting for infants (at least healthy, white babies) in most places. However, by adopting an older child, or a child with special needs, you could be offering a family to a child that might not otherwise get that chance.

If that's your goal, you might want to consider international adoption. There are some countries from which you could adopt a relatively young child (under three years old) who desperately needs a family.

bumpuser794640 · March 2014

I am sorry you are meeting with difficulty while choosing your path to adoption, that's a tough thing to deal with. I think Captain Serious has made some excellent points, especially in that very young children are often not available for adoption through the state/foster care system. It does happen, but it is rare.

To answer your question, we decided on DIA because we really wanted to experience parenting a child from very early in their life, especially since we were missing out on the whole pregnancy/labor/delivery aspect due to infertility. Yes, it is expensive, and there can be long wait times depending on what sorts of situations you are open to (race/ethnicity, drug/alcohol exposure, other health or special needs). We saved for about 2 years, and started the adoption process after about a year of saving (we were lucky/unlucky in that inheritance money came to us in that time frame and drastically shortened when we saved the full amount, our plan if we were placed before all of the savings was there was to finance it on our credit card which had 0% interest for 24 months or something when we got it last January).

lorifromwi · March 2014

I would ask your state foster agency if they have specifics on placement age ranges. At our home study last night our SW was able to provide us with information on how many placements were in each age range (for Milwaukee 35% are 0-4), ethnicity (67% are African-American) and sibling groups (60% of all placements!) and how kids matriculate out of the system (25% through adoption). I'm an accountant, so I like facts and it really helped us in confirming our decision.

mindaa · March 2014

Thank you for this discussion. I too was pretty discouraged by the agency orientation I attended on foster adopt, so I appreciate the input and suggestions here.

I've always "had a heart for" foster adopt... watching the Wednesday's child segments on the local news as a pre-teen was a huge reality check - as a kid it's unfathomable that others don't have a family and I wanted so badly to do something about it or share mine with them. (obviously not bad enough to talk to my parents about it, but that's probably for the best!)

Anyway.... now that I know the reality of opening your life to a FTA child, it feels daunting and terrifying but I'm still open to it if that is where our path leads. DH has experience working with youth so he is well equipped for the challenge, but that also means he knows exactly what we'd be in for, and so he's not really on board. Yet. But that's OK... if and when it's meant to be, he'll be there.

While I still have hope of having a child with DH and know there will be a grieving process if we don't... I feel like foster adoption will be a good fit. While I've always imagined life with children, I was never been one of those girls for who life just wasn't even going to start until I was barefoot and pregnant with a house full of babies. We're older and super active, so an older child might actually be a good fit for us.

plus12012 · March 2014

DIA was our choice because, we wanted a newborn. I also work in the foster care field and wanted to step away from that and work with an agency that had no connection to my job. In my state, foster to adopt is a misnomer. You are either a foster parent that would be willing to adopt or you are just a foster parent. Foster parents willing to adopt are expected to still take children that may or may not ever be available for adoption.

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