Rough week.child (teen) mentioned (novel beware)

KirstenAlecia · March 2014

So this last week has been particularly rough. For several reasons. And It really has me thinking.

I have spent the last few months easing up on REALLY TTC. I started to temp a few months ago and stopped almost as quickly as I started. First reason was I have REALLY bad eyesight and I can not see the reading on the thermometer. AT ALL. I wear contacts and don't have glasses. Easy fix…..get a magnifying glass. LOL, I think i realized I wasn't ready ready. I was just telling myself if it happens great if not….GREAT.

My daughter is 17. What am I thinking. And not really just that. Raising her has been ROUGH. I love her but we have a hard and rocky relationship. She has been quite awful (well attempted to be awful) and as a result I have spent years not easing up on her. Being really strict. Like REALLY strict. You want to have attitude? Bad Grades? Fine…..you will have NO LIFE. Thats how its been. It was such hell with her that I let her go live with her dad. In the end it was a mistake. I have a daughter who I love who is well mannered and sweet to everyone except me. So i did something right……..and wrong. She has always been good to other people. I raised her to be polite and have respect and even when she went to her dads she maintained that. Im proud of that. However the tension between her dad and I has taken the toll on all relationships including hers and mine. She is not awful ALL THE TIME to me…….but since I let her go over the last couple years my ability to parent her has been diminished. I see her and she visits regularly but all my influence is gone. Im not asked or consulted on anything, Even she gives me a really crappy attitude when I try and parent, voice my concern, opinions and dislikes. I brought it to her attention and we really had it out. She has admitted that she sees what Im talking about. She understands. So why the crappy attitude when I parent her? I have every right.

As you can see my experience parenting has left me fearful. It was all fine when she was little and she made me think i wanted lots of littles…..but i never married her dad and I made the smarted decision to only have another ever if I married.

Here I am 3 years into marriage with a great husband and I am fearful of another child. Having the first 10 to 12 years being great and then after questioning sometimes whether i even like this person who is part of me. See what I just said???? No good mom would say that. I love her. But she is all sorts of awful sometimes. I don't blame her 100%. She has her dads side pitting her against me. The step mother, the grand parents and her aunt. Ugh….they have turned what should have been some situations that should have been cut and dry into some VERY VERY ugly events that my daughter should not have had any part of or even been aware of. And it was DAMAGING. To my child, to her and my relationship and its almost unrepairable. They have also made her a little selfish. Not an admirable quality. Something she was not when she was with me. My girl is still there though. She still holds wonderful amazing qualities that i hope i helped instill. She shows gratitude. She does help with chores. She tries to be understanding. I just listed her good qualities and called her selfish in the same paragraph…..confusing I know. You would have to experiece what goes on here to truly understand.

Being a parent in my experience has been stressful.

Im aware that it would be different with a partner who is with me. That I wouldn't be doing it alone this time. But Im still afraid. Im so happy with my husband that I have started to think that if it was just us we could be ok and possibly continue on happily ever after like this.Ive been fearful of the change that a child would mean for us. Fearful that the change would mean we would not be as happy. The most important thing to me in considering TTC is maintaining a happy in love relationship with my H. Because of all that…. this has been where my feelings have slowly and steadily been heading the last few months. Till last week.

A little extra info. My H has a really really crappy father. He has been married 5 times. Has 5 kids (that are known about) and cheated on every one of them. His younger sister was conceived with another woman while his dad was married to his mom. He is an alcoholic. His dad up and moved to Utah last year and my husband only found out because we called to invite him to dinner and his dad was "Oh well Id love to but I can't Im in Utah….I moved" His father has mostly given up alcohol it seems but it doesn't matter. He doesn't know his kids. Conversations are forced and difficult for him……but at my urging my husband continues to try. Not pushing too hard. Just enough so that his dad know he is there and does try. We gave him furniture shortly after he moved and my husband and his brother lent him $1500 each for what I do not remember. My husband is going to graduate with his MBA in August and called his dad for 2 reasons. 1. To invite his dad to be there when he walks. 2. To let him know we plan on celebrating his graduation with a trip somewhere but the money we lent him was part of the savings to allow us to do that…..so we wanted to set up a plan that wasn't too hard on his dad to repay the loan. Well we were pleasantly surprised when his dad sent him the money and its all repaid.

My H decided he needed to write his dad a letter. This letter made me break down to a sobbing mess of tears when I read it. I mean it was heartbreaking to me. I knew a lot of the stuff he wrote about but to see my husband need to write a letter with a clear need to connect to his dad in some way made me sad. Hy husband has always seemed so tough in the outside when it came to his dad. He is nothing like the man who fathered him so i think I always thought he wasn't effected much by it all.

He addressed the fact that he wanted him at his graduation. He thanked his for repaying the money. He expressed concern for his dads health and the fact that he feels like he doesn't know his dad and as his oldest son he has expressed fear about getting the dreaded phone call that he has been fearful of for many years, that after 5 heart attacks his heart will someday actually stop working and he has no idea what his dads last wishes are. He ended the letter with a list of memories he has…good and bad. They look like this:

Looking for my father who was in the bar with another woman

An alcoholic dad who was not nice when i was little

Christmas and football and grandma and grandpas

The River, the black boat, the green boat, Needles, Laughlin

My gold chain

My black truck, the green truck, the dually, the van, the blazer

________'s Hi-tech (name ommited)

taking off my clothes in front of my moms house so you could take them back with you

Potato Salad

Gold rings

Your hand slapping my butt

The football game you promised to take me to but never came home

Linda, Jenny, Allison, Teresa (his other wives)

My extended family (all the kids and other family that came with the other 4 wives)

No cavities

Burning my leg on your motorcycle

Living with you while in college

Heart attacks

The Cedar Mill

Landers Earthquake

Frisbee

The turn on 7th street where you took out all the signs

NASCAR

Your smile and the family nose

^That list is connected to very prominent memories for my husband and much of it if you know all the stories…..its hard.

I have realized that my husband needs a child of his own. I am suddlenly acutely aware of this. I told him that too. He understands too I think. I feel like I need to mend his broken heart somehow. I can't fix his father but I can give him something better I think…..the chance to experience all the things he wanted…but the other way around. Does that make any sense? I guess i have to really look at this very seriously now.

Im still terrified at the idea of being a mom again and failing again. Maybe he won't let me fail.

Sorry for the seemingly disconnected long ranting novel. Its 1am here and this stuff has been eating at me all week. If anyone read this Im impressed. lol.

Any advice is welcome. So are slaps across the face telling me Im a rambling crazy woman.

hooligans4 · March 2014

My heart is breaking for you. But I understand more than you know. Just combine you and your husband and you have me.

As far as your daughter goes you did not fail as a mother. You made the wonderful parts that you told us about. When you have to co-parent with someone that let's the hate show it's hard. Just hope that when she is older and understands the values you instilled in her your relationship will be different.

There is nothing wrong with being strict, I'm strict and I feel it keeps my kids safer.

Don't think that your next child will be anything like your first. My kids are polar opposites. I sometimes ask my husband what I did different (he has been around since my daughter is 2). So please don't be afraid of having another based on your relationship with your daughter.

But I have to tell you that being a parent with the man you love is a beautiful thing. My husband is a great father to my daughter, he actually gets mad when people say she isn't his, but with my son it's just a little different because he is part of him. I love my husband more because of the father he is.

Now as far as your husband and his dad goes you just have to support whatever decision he makes towards the relationship. I tip my hat to your husband for trying but his dad is a selfish sob. My brother is the same way with our father (we also have different mothers) but I feel like if he doesn't want to be a parent to me than screw him!!!!! I think he should send his dad that letter and just wait to see what dad does. I understand the guilt he feels if dad does die and all those feelings aren't expressed. But your husband is innocent and shouldn't be burdened by the hurt his father has caused him.

It hard but you need to let all this go. Focus on your husband and having another child if that is truly what you want. You cannot change other people. Just continue to be a parent to your daughter and a good wife to your husband.

Good luck and I wish I could give you a hug in real life.

Davie813 · March 2014

I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. I don't have any words of wisdom, just ((((hugs)))). You're obviously processing a lot of really complicated stuff right now, and doing a great job with it. It's no fun, but it sounds like you're figuring out what you really want, and how to get there.

As far as the whole "no good mom would ever say that/think that/do that" thing goes, please don't be so hard on yourself. I'm pretty sure no parent in the history of the world has only ever thought positive things about their children. You can't help them grow if you can't see them realistically, flaws and all--even when (as teenagers do) they're honestly not being very likeable!

I don't know you, but it's obvious that you love your daughter very much and have always done your best to do the right thing for her (even if you feel later that you've made mistakes)--which sounds like, well, good parenting. Try to give yourself a break.

I'm sorry about your husband's dad. It seems like there's one of those in every family, too (including mine). That part breaks my heart. Did your husband actually send the letter, or was it just to get his thoughts on paper?

latershrader · March 2014

Whenever I hear of friends or family having touble w/ their teen, I think back to my own teen years. They really do feel like yesterday, but the were oh so long ago.

I think at some point there is a switch that gets turned for a lot of young girls. It's the switch that tells her that friends are great to have and important, but family is what is there for you always and forever. It took me until I was 19 to realize that...another friend has a daughter in college now but at 17, her daughter went from what she called "the dark side" to a beautiful loving young woman.

As far as giving your husband a child of his own...just like each day...each child is different and unique. It's hard not to project past experiences on the future, but you have to just let the story unfold first. And as far as I see it, the story has yet to be written...

Big hugs!!

BeckyP005 · March 2014

Everyone has given you lovely helpful comments. Just wanted to give you a big huge internet hug. Parenting is hard..I see the tough time at work b/w the mom and her 17 year old. You are doing a great job!! As others said...don't be hard on yourself

Hoping this week is a bit better. Hugs to your H as well....sorry on what he has been dealing with.

[Deleted User] · March 2014

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KirstenAlecia · March 2014

Thank you so much ladies. I couldn't sleep last night and I had to get that out somewhere.

Im glad to hear someone tell me Im normal in dealing with my daughter. I keep telling her that when she is older with kids she will understand. I hope she will. She has no idea what I gave up as a young single mom. She has no idea what I went through in order to do what I felt was right. I sacrificed as moms do……and sometimes single moms sacrifice things to their detriment in the future.

I sometimes have to point out that life was not all that horrible with me. See with my daughter I was young and extremely poor. When she was little I took a job at night so that she wouldn't know I was gone and i hired a trusted friend to come hang out at evenings and sleep at my house while i worked and i was home before it was time to take my daughter to kindergarden. I only slept when she was at school for 4 hours. Later I took a job that I could take her with me too. I worked at a gymnastics place and she would come with me, do homework for while and then join in on tumble and cheerleading classes and then later she joined the competitive team. I worked 7 days a week scheduled in ways that I never really left my daughter when she needed me. Yet she thinks I haven't been a good mom. I did what I could. I only did one year of college because it interfered with my time as a mom. She never wanted for anything. She had nice clothes, lots of toys, participated in gym and cheer and has a big family that loves her. Someday I know she will get it. Right now, not so much. Sadly my daughter suffers from depression. My mom suffered from it badly too. I did for a time but I have learned to combat it. Im not even on meds anymore. My heart hurts for her…..but she doesn't listen. She just thinks nobody gets it and she is the only one who has ever been where she is. We have our good moments. I know she loves me. Sometimes I have to tell myself no to get lured into arguing with her….and when I succeed thats when its best.

She is trying out for the volleyball team this week and I hope she gets in the team. I want to go to her gams and see her do something I could never do

She also made the homecoming court at her homecoming dance this year and I think that was a big boost for her self esteem. I just want here to be happy.

As for my hubby. The letter he wrote has not been sent yet. I want him to send it. I wish I could fix the problems with his dad. My husband turned out pretty amazing in spite of having a poor example of a father. Don't get me wrong….there was a long learning curve in him learning to deal with my daughter and even me……my husband for a long time lacked empathy. I don't know if he has is now or has just learned better in dealing with close relationships……but he is a good man. Thoughtful and smart and the best protector and provider I could ask for.

Thats why the baby thing hit me hard last week and I spent much time wondering why it hasn't happened yet (maybe I have sabotaged our efforts a little) and scared that it won't happen. It has to. He needs to be a dad. He has to be a dad. It would be heartbreaking to me. I know for a fact in his younger years he wanted marriage and kids sooner. I just hope its still possible. Im thinking he will be open to seeing an RE soon.

Im going to spend this month and maybe next trying to drop some weight to get into my healthy weight range and then it will be off to an RE I think.

Thank yow ladies so so so much. I have a feeling Im gonna need you all more and more as this becomes a more determined journey.

Davie813 · March 2014

I imagine your daughter will understand and be more appreciative (I'm sure she already appreciates you in her teenage way, but they have a funny way of showing it) as she gets older, especially when she's on her own and has a better idea what it might be like to be a single mom.

I just wanted to put a caution out there (from my own experience with a similar family member) for your husband.

I think he should think very carefully about what he wants to accomplish before he sends the letter. If it's just for his own satisfaction, because he wants his father to know how he feels, then great.

If he's expecting (consciously or otherwise) any particular response, however, it would be a good idea for him to think about how he will feel if he doesn't get it. From what you say about his father, the chances that he'll rethink his own behavior or admit any wrongdoing might not be very good. Your husband should probably think about how he will feel if he gets an angry response, a dishonest response, no response at all...and whether he will still feel better for speaking his mind, or if he will actually feel worse.

And that's the end of my unsolicited advice. Please feel free to vent any time! I have a feeling I'm going to need to do more of that in the weeks ahead as well.

Also, hope your daughter makes the team!

KirstenAlecia · March 2014

@Davie813 If I know my husband he will expect nothing from the letter. I think the most he hopes to get out of it would be to open a discussion about his fathers last wishes should something ever happen to him. My poor hubby is used to zero expectations from his dad. So sad. I think its a good idea for him to send it since he does have a very realistic expectations as far as the result. His dad isn't going to have some magical epiphany because of hubby's letter. I think we both know that.

I hope my girl makes it too. That would be so cool. Then I just have to hope her first game doesn't land on a day Im scheduled to shoot a wedding

Me and my girl below

Davie813 · March 2014

Sounds like you guys have thought everything through (better than I had with my problem relative). Some people just suck, and it's hard prepare for that. >:P

That's a great picture--so cute! All you ladies on this board look so YOUNG!

KirstenAlecia · March 2014

Davie813 said:

Sounds like you guys have thought everything through (better than I had with my problem relative). Some people just suck, and it's hard prepare for that. >:P

That's a great picture--so cute! All you ladies on this board look so YOUNG!

Yeah…..nobody ever believes she is my daughter….EVER. My daughter laughs all the time about this.

Although when she was in Jr. High it was an issue because thats when boys start noticing girls and there was a boy who used to tease her that he was going to marry me someday and be her step dad……and they changed that song "stacys mom" to "Savannahs mom" and used to sing it to her. apparently everyone including kids are a bad judge of age. lol

Although recently at dinner I was the only one at our table to get carded and I was the oldest one there….THAT was awesome.

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