Would this upset you?

joyfullyfound · March 2014

I want to freak out about this, but I need you guys to tell me if it would be justified:

I think MIL might have taken DD for her first hair cut today, without my permission. How big of a deal would that be to you?

She offered to take DD this morning to run a few errands with her, and after she picked her up I headed out to get some things done myself. I got home just now and there was a message on the phone from an hour and a half ago from MIL... she said she was visiting her friend who runs a hair salon out of her house and would she mind if she got DD's bangs trimmed. Then she said, "I think I'll just go ahead and take the liberty. See you soon!"

I haven't called back yet because I'm terrified that she actually went through with it. I know it's not reeeally that big of a deal, but the first hair cut seems like an important milestone that I planned to be part of. And dear god, please let it have just been a trim and not a bigger hair cut! She has needed her bangs trimmed for a long time, actually, but I haven't been able to bring myself to do it, feeling all mushy and sentimental about her beautiful hair. It makes me feel weepy to think she might have had her first hair cut today without me... but I can't tell if I'm being a hormonal pregnant lady or if my feelings are fair.

What do I say if they show up here and DD's hair has been cut? Would you be upset about this or would it by no big deal? Heeeelp

penguingrrl · March 2014

I'd be very upset! Especially because I specifically wasn't cutting bangs on my girls! But also, that without a doubt is overstepping. First haircuts are a big deal IMO.

HBirdie · March 2014

I'd be upset mad. You're the parent, so not only is it your decision to decide when it happens, it's your privilege to be there for it.

That being said, if she did it, there isn't much you can do.

I hope she didn't.

LinnyAnne10 · March 2014

I would be pissed! It's something you as the parent should decide

bhuffman · March 2014

I'd be annoyed. I also think a bang trim won't have to count as her first real hair cut. Hopefully she did not go through with it, though.

Spin313 · March 2014

11 on a scale of 1-10...royally ticked. You don't get to make that decision for someone else's child.

jf198400 · March 2014

This happened to me with my mom. She was babysitting DD and yes I knew she needed her bangs trimmed but I wanted to be there. I totally freaked out at her, like crying, and said I couldn't believe she would do that without me that it was MY baby's first haircut and I should have been there. She apologized and admitted that she was wrong. I got over it eventually. We have a very close relationship, so we were able to move past it. I think it was actually a good thing b/c it did kind of set a boundary line with my mom, she has been more considerate since then.

lyingliarlies · March 2014

joyfullyfound said:

I want to freak out about this, but I need you guys to tell me if it would be justified:

I think MIL might have taken DD for her first hair cut today, without my permission. How big of a deal would that be to you?

my eyes bugged out of my head like a cartoon character when i read this sentence, so yeah, it would be a very big deal. i'd be LIVID. LIVID.

joyfullyfound · March 2014

Oh, thank god. You guys are making me feel so sane, haha. Well, yeah, I realize what's done is done and I wouldn't, like, have it out with her in the doorway of our home or anything. I'll probably just say, "Oh, I wish you had made sure it was alright with me first, it's something I would have loved to be there for," but then assure her it's fine because if I know her at all she'll be ridiculously apologetic. And then she'll leave and I'll curl up in bed and cry..... :P

vlagrl29 · March 2014

Yes it would totally bother me! It would even bother DH. It was very important for him to be at the first hair cut to take photos. I told him the day and time and he showed up on that day.

joyfullyfound · March 2014

AAAAAAH, they're pulling into the driveway! Stay tuned!

HBirdie · March 2014

joyfullyfound said:

Oh, thank god. You guys are making me feel so sane, haha. Well, yeah, I realize what's done is done and I wouldn't, like, have it out with her in the doorway of our home or anything. I'll probably just say, "Oh, I wish you had made sure it was alright with me first, it's something I would have loved to be there for," but then assure her it's fine because if I know her at all she'll be ridiculously apologetic. And then she'll leave and I'll curl up in bed and cry..... :P

Wow, you're a lot nicer than I am.

LatteLady5 · March 2014

joyfullyfound said:

Oh, thank god. You guys are making me feel so sane, haha. Well, yeah, I realize what's done is done and I wouldn't, like, have it out with her in the doorway of our home or anything. I'll probably just say, "Oh, I wish you had made sure it was alright with me first, it's something I would have loved to be there for," but then assure her it's fine because if I know her at all she'll be ridiculously apologetic. And then she'll leave and I'll curl up in bed and cry..... :P

This is exactly what I would do. Sorry Joyfully.

lyingliarlies · March 2014

pregnant me would cry. i mean, i cried over a melted ice cream cake once when pregnant. heck i probably cried over a tv commercial of someone else's kid getting a haircut lol.

minerswife17 · March 2014

I would have a FIT!

Disneygeek77 · March 2014

I would be mad and wouldn't hold back either. Not saying I would scream and name call but I wouldn't sugar coat it either. My MIL would know exactly how angry I was.

HBirdie · March 2014

Kimbus22 said:

I would be livid and I would not be sparing her feelings. That's just setting her up to keep crossing boundaries she shouldn't.

Exactly. If she doesn't realize how big of a deal this is, what other firsts is she going to take away from you?

LatteLady5 · March 2014

Unless she's normally a boundary crosser, I wouldn't flip my lid. She probably had good intentions.

magentawarped · March 2014

Oh hell no...there would be no amount of apologizing that would make up for that! That's a big event that is YOUR decision, not hers, and one that you should be a part of. If it were me, my MIL would be getting a yelling at, rather than a talking to, about her rights and boundaries. I hope she gained some sense and didn't get it cut.

ToastieSimons · March 2014

Absolutely. If she knew enough to call and ask your permission then she knew enough that it would bother you. I would be livid!

magentawarped · March 2014

LatteLady5 said:
Unless she's normally a boundary crosser, I wouldn't flip my lid. She probably had good intentions.

Good intentions or not, you don't cut a kid's hair without the parents' permission, first haircut or fiftieth.

zbeesma86 · March 2014

Yeah, momma would be angry. My girlfriend does hair & I've let her snip Zs bangs. Haven't gotten a hair cut yet but I want to be there! I'm sorry this (possibly) happened!!

Disneygeek77 · March 2014

Hav=Fath said:

Disneygeek77 said:

I would be mad and wouldn't hold back either. Not saying I would scream and name call but I wouldn't sugar coat it either. My MIL would know exactly how angry I was.

Would it matter if you have a normally great relationship with your MIL? To me it would, she's the most amazing MIL ever so it'd be hard for me to be ugly to her (even though I'd want to be). My mom on the other hand, I would bat shit crazy on her.

Well my personal experience with my MIL is that you shouldn't sugar coat. She will hear " Thank you for taking her for the day blah blah blah. I am glad you guys are spending time together blah blah blah. I'm the mom blah blah blah. Talk to us blah blah blah.

I also believe there is a way to be direct, honest and blunt without being ugly, if that makes sense. I would want MIL to know exactly what she did wrong.

hokies94 · March 2014

magentawarped said:

Unless she's normally a boundary crosser, I wouldn't flip my lid. She probably had good intentions.
Good intentions or not, you don't cut a kid's hair without the parents' permission, first haircut or fiftieth.

I'm probably in the minority, but I would pay someone to take my kids to get their hair cut. They wouldn't even have to ask me. DS cries and screams the entire time and it's really no fun.

I'm also not terribly sentimental about things.

kalette · March 2014

*refreshs page*

*refreshs page*

*refreshs page*

ToastieSimons · March 2014

Diapers&Wipes said:

Clarification- are people upset because it's her first hair cut or hair cut period?

i'm mostly upset that it was the first. I take the boys for haircuts every 2 or 3 months and they get their haircut the same way everytime. If my mom stopped with him while out to get him cleaned up, fine. But the first one, the very first time!

You're cutting off the hair they had while they snuggled you as newborns. The hair they possibly were born with, their babyness! The hair you ran your hands through while walking them around during their witching hours.

I am way too sentimental about a first haircut.

magentawarped · March 2014

Diapers&Wipes said:
Clarification- are people upset because it's her first hair cut or hair cut period?

Mostly first, but I'd be pissed either way.

lyingliarlies · March 2014

wow i'd try not to lose my shit like some posters, but being pregnant, all bets are off.

even with boundary issues, whether as a MIL or a grandparent, yelling & letting her see how emotional you are would rarely be the most effective approach. you can express your disappointment and get your point across rationally.

silent fuming for a minute might make her pee her pants.

Hollylb3 · March 2014

So pissed. And waiting not patiently for an update.

HBirdie · March 2014

:-w

Disneygeek77 · March 2014

Both of our kids went to a specialty hair salon just for children and we got them a whole first haircut package that included stickers, a certificate, a picture and a lock of their hair. The kids also sit on chairs that are trains, plaines or cars and watch a cartoon.

alli2672 · March 2014

CnAmom said:

I shit you not, my MIL cut the boys' hair without asking us and then sent some home in envelopes with "first haircut BY GRANDMA" written on them. Yeah, I was pissed and you should be too.

OMG...that's awful. Your MIL stories always crack me up though. I don't know why. I think it's because I can tell that she really does love your kids, but she just does not give a crap about pissing off their mom.

joyfullyfound · March 2014

( She did it.

Sorry it took me so long to update - I literally put DD straight into bed for a nap, then laid down on the couch and sobbed. Uggghhh, I'm so sad about it

MIL cried. She looked totally guilty as soon as I opened the door and I just basically said what I posted before... just expressed that I wish she had asked and I'm disappointed that I couldn't have been there... and I think my expression must have looked really pained because I felt like crying. And she burst out crying and said as soon as it was done she knew she shouldn't have, and her friend had pressured her, blah, blah... and then there was this really long awkward silence, and then I asked DD to say goodbye and give her a hug and a kiss and she left.

I can't believe it.... I know it shouldn't feel as upsetting to me as it does, but I'm totally down about it. And it looks weird... Just straight bangs across the front. Maybe I'll get used to it...

*sobs*

LinnyAnne10 · March 2014

First.. After that I could care less. Just as long as he doesn't come back w a Mohawk whatever.. Although I probably wouldn't even mind a mohawk

lyingliarlies · March 2014

hugs mama. you handled it well.

LatteLady5 · March 2014

magentawarped said:

Unless she's normally a boundary crosser, I wouldn't flip my lid. She probably had good intentions.
Good intentions or not, you don't cut a kid's hair without the parents' permission, first haircut or fiftieth.

Yeah, I get that but I'm trying to see it from MIL's perspective....If I said oh DD really needs her bangs trimmed and MIL had her for the day, remembered me saying that and thought oh Latte's busy and pregnant this will be really helpful...My MIL is super sweet though and would never do anything to cross boundaries to cross them. (She would also know better than taking her to get her hair trimmed)

I would be so upset but I don't know that jumping all over her if she doesn't normally do stuff like that would do any good.

magentawarped · March 2014

joyfullyfound said:
( She did it.

Sorry it took me so long to update - I literally put DD straight into bed for a nap, then laid down on the couch and sobbed. Uggghhh, I'm so sad about it

MIL cried. She looked totally guilty as soon as I opened the door and I just basically said what I posted before... just expressed that I wish she had asked and I'm disappointed that I couldn't have been there... and I think my expression must have looked really pained because I felt like crying. And she burst out crying and said as soon as it was done she knew she shouldn't have, and her friend had pressured her, blah, blah... and then there was this really long awkward silence, and then I asked DD to say goodbye and give her a hug and a kiss and she left.

I can't believe it.... I know it should feel as upsetting to me as it does, but I'm totally down about it. And it looks weird... Just straight bangs across the front. Maybe I'll get used to it...

*sobs*

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry! I know it won't be the same, but I say take her somewhere to get the cut fixed like, today. That way you can at least get a cut you like.

jnksmom · March 2014

I would be pissed and make sure MIL knew that was not ok. I would do the same oth my mom too. Waiting to hear what happened....

Eta must if posted while you were updating. I am so sorry she did that. I would be upset too. You handled it well though.

LinnyAnne10 · March 2014

Oh no *hugs* I would be down about it too. It's something you want to be there for.

joyfullyfound · March 2014

Yeah... she gave me an envelope with "Eliza's first hair cut" written on it.

LatteLady5 · March 2014

You handled it so well. I'm sorry Joyfully

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