Please tell me I'm not alone NWMR

bennyandthejets13 · March 2014

Hi ladies,

I wanted your opinion and see if anyone agrees with me or thinks I'm being selfish. So MH's grandparents are celebrating their 50 year anniversary coming up which is great, and the original plan was to have a simple free ceremony at their church and a free get together afterwards at their retirement home club house. Now the problem is once they started planning it one of my MH crazy aunt convinced them that this anniversary is a big deal and that they should go all out so the simple plans they had have been scraped and they're going all out. Now I've been told that MH & I need to contribute $200 for this vow renewal, since his grandparents can't obviously afford everything, and buy one of the formal dresses MIL bought for us (no idea why my MIL bought us all dresses without even asking us). I told MH that I think it's rude to have a giant party that you can't afford and expect everyone to help you pay for it just because you want it regardless of how nice your grandparents are. To be fair his grandparents and MIL helped us a lot for our wedding and baby shower but they offered it for us as their gifts to us. We can afford the money (even though I'd much rather spend $200 on more important things) so we will contribute. MH lost his job last fall and thankfully found something else but he had to take a pay cut so we're ok now but disposable money is not as loose as it once was therefore I would like to be asked if we can contribute to non essential things. I tried talking to him but he just blows up on me says I'm selfish and that I don't like his family, which is not true I just don't agree with their priorities. I was raised if you can't afford something then unfortunately you need scale back or not do them.

To add some back story this is NOT the first time it's happened nor I expect it to be the last either. 5 years ago his sister wanted a sweet 16 party and again the original plans was a simple bbq with her friends and family. What ended up happening was that time they wanted $400 and another hall rental, $500 dress for his sis, limo and all! At the time we had just bought out first house the same month so we couldn't contribute and MIL was passed at us. Also his grandparents along with MIL have filed bankruptcy TWICE so money management is not something they know how to do. There's also plenty of other times we had to give MIL money for things.

Again his grandparents and MIL are very nice people and always watch DS for us but to be expected to pay for parties for them seems crazy and only encourages their bad money management behavior to me. Please tell me I'm not crazy and someone agrees with me?

jf198400 · March 2014

OMG wow. That is ridiculous. I'm more upset for you over the 16th bday party than this, but wow. I was thinking it was crazy before you even mentioned bankruptcy that is just the icing on the cake. If this is something your DH wants to do as a gift for his grandparents then I would go along with it. Even though I agree that a simple party would be much better. As far as MIL buying you a dress, that is just odd. I would tell her that you don't need a new dress, thanks but no thanks, and she can return it.

kmh2201 · March 2014

Wow. I agree with @jf198400 - just say no thanks to the dress. If it were me, whatever we contributed would be our gift. It sounds like you and your MH might want to have a conversation about drawing a line in the sand with his family and all these parties. I think most people can't just come up with hundreds of dollars for a party without a lot of advance notice, which really is a splurge/luxury event.

bennyandthejets13 · March 2014

This is just weird. But honestly, it sounds like family tradition for them. I'd contribute the $200 and consider it my gift and try not stress about it, even if I was side-eyeing them the whole time.. I don't think there's anything you can say or do that will improve the situation, and it sounds like something DH wants to do.

I know your right and it's going to happen regardless but money is such a sensitive topic for us. MIL has asked us to borrow money so many times and for things like vacations And down payments for a new car. Really?

DiveFrog · March 2014

I would say generally in my experience that 50th Anniversary parties are hosted/thrown by the couples Children/Grandchildren/Family as a gift to the couple. My DH, Brother and I hosted a 40th wedding Anniversary party for my parents, and DH&I, SIL&BIL hosted a 35yr Anniversary dinner for MIL&FIL.

Now, I DO think it incredibly rude to not ask whether you and DH would like to contribute, and if so, at what amount. We do family gifts and parties all the time, but the first 2 questions are always would you like to be involved/help/contribute? Followed by at what level do you feel comfortable doing so? After those questions are answered by all parties we determine what kind of gift/party it will be based on the pledged funds.

Coming to you after the fact, and demanding a certain dollar amount is extremely rude and honestly I would not let it continue without having you, or DH say something to that effect, and that going forward you will not pay if not consulted about it up front. And then stick to it!!

The whole dress thing is super bizarre, I would never think to dress anyone for an event other then myself and DD. I didn't even pick out bridesmaid dresses for my wedding, but chose a color and manufacturer and let the girls pick out their own style dress.

Edited to add: It does sound like you and DH need to have a discussion about your finances and when you would both be in agreement to contributing to these types of events and to what amount. My DH is a very generous person and his family is very into gift giving and material presentations as a sign/display of love. My family is the opposite. We show love by action and doing things for each other. This difference has really created some friction over the years between us.

DH gets annoyed and upset when I don't want to, or my family doesn't want to contribute/send a gift for every single family member, for every single event. (ex. SIL got a pretty big recognition/award at work and we were asked to send a card and present congratulating her)...And I get annoyed and frustrated with DH and his family when we need a few set of extra hands to get some yard work done, or help moving something etc. and no one in his family can free up a few hours to help.

bennyandthejets13 · March 2014

Ok let me explain the dress. Apparently GIL friend owned a bridal shop that went out of business so GIL & MIL took it upon themselves to buy all these dresses at a huge discount and sell them to us therefore raising more money for the party. But no one asked us our size or style nothing. And the dress that got chosen for me is similar to the one below it's just not for me

VOR · March 2014

My advice, since you know how his family is, is to create a more firm/strict budget for the two of you. Have it very clear how much money you have for various things, including your own "fun money".

Then, when something like this comes up and you're being expected to chip in, you can make it about the $$ andnot his family. Because clearly your DH is going to get defensive. So - don't make it about them. Make it about your budget.

And if HE wants to use HIS fun money to pay for this stuff, then more power to him. If that means less beer or lunches out or.... whatever he'd spend his money on for the month... then so be it. His $$, his choice.

FemShep · March 2014

evelyn602 said:

This is just weird. But honestly, it sounds like family tradition for them. I'd contribute the $200 and consider it my gift and try not stress about it, even if I was side-eyeing them the whole time.. I don't think there's anything you can say or do that will improve the situation, and it sounds like something DH wants to do.

I know your right and it's going to happen regardless but money is such a sensitive topic for us. MIL has asked us to borrow money so many times and for things like vacations And down payments for a new car. Really?

It sounds like you and DH have a bigger issue here than just a party (and his rude family).

When couples argue about money, it often masks bigger issues, like control, feeling of worth, fears, and resentment. You've said that your DH thinks that you just don't like his family, and that's why he's upset and frustrated that you may not want to contribute.

So take his family out of the discussion. Look hard at your budget, your goals for savings and investment (including education, retirement, emergency funds, etc). Have a talk about what's important to you financially right now, in 5 years, in 10 years, etc. Identify your big priorities together, and come up with a plan, together, to achieve your goals.

Once you've set up your budget, you should have some amount of discretionary money left over. Use that money to budget for gifts, vacations, family, etc. Agree that any kind of future event like this will come out of the budget set aside for gifts for his family. MIL wants a loan? Take it out of the budget for gifts for his family. And if that budget won't cover it, talk together about how you'll make up the shortfall. Don't say no just because it's a request from MIL, but look closely at whether you're both willing to shortchange something else (like a family vacation, for example) to provide funds for a family gift. Use the same approach for your family and your children; then it's not a discussion about whether you like his family, it's a discussion about how your DH wants to spend his discretionary budget *after* you've worked to meet the financial goals you share. Good luck!

DiveFrog · March 2014

evelyn602 said:

Ok let me explain the dress. Apparently GIL friend owned a bridal shop that went out of business so GIL & MIL took it upon themselves to buy all these dresses at a huge discount and sell them to us therefore raising more money for the party. But no one asked us our size or style nothing. And the dress that got chosen for me is similar to the one below it's just not for me

OMG. Seriously?! Yeah, that dress would NOT be happening and I can't imagine your DH would want you to wear that either. I would offer to but the dresses on EBay and Craigslist for GIL & MIL. we are approaching Prom season and they could potentially make some money selling them that way.

FemShep · March 2014

evelyn602 said:

Ok let me explain the dress. Apparently GIL friend owned a bridal shop that went out of business so GIL & MIL took it upon themselves to buy all these dresses at a huge discount and sell them to us therefore raising more money for the party. But no one asked us our size or style nothing. And the dress that got chosen for me is similar to the one below it's just not for me

Wow. Is that dress for anyone over the age of 16? Yikes.

Agree with PP, tell them to put it on ebay. No way would I wear that.

bennyandthejets13 · March 2014

DiveFrog said:

evelyn602 said:

Ok let me explain the dress. Apparently GIL friend owned a bridal shop that went out of business so GIL & MIL took it upon themselves to buy all these dresses at a huge discount and sell them to us therefore raising more money for the party. But no one asked us our size or style nothing. And the dress that got chosen for me is similar to the one below it's just not for me

OMG. Seriously?! Yeah, that dress would NOT be happening and I can't imagine your DH would want you to wear that either. I would offer to but the dresses on EBay and Craigslist for GIL & MIL. we are approaching Prom season and they could potentially make some money selling them that way.

That is a great idea! I never thought of that. Also I agree even MH was silent when he saw it. My wedding colors were black and white so why she picked a hot pink ruching tulle mess of a dress is beyond me. Yuk!

Klavanga74 · March 2014

WOW - the dress...just WOW! I totally agree with OH...if you know these things are going to come up, then having an established budget ahead of time that you both agree on when you AREN'T arguing, might be a great thing to do and save a lot of headache. I do think that it's not out of the ordinary to have the party and have the family pay for it, but they way they went about it (not asking first, and assuming how much you could contribute) is definitely in poor taste. For now, I'd just go ahead, give the gift, say NO, THANK YOU to the dress, and when the air has cleared a little bit, sit down with your husband and figure out what you can truly afford in these situations. Then when someone says, "oh, by the way, we need $300 from you to help with whatever..." you can firmly reply that you can offer x amount, but what they're asking simply isn't in your budget and you won't jeopardize your family's finances by going over what you can afford.

bennyandthejets13 · March 2014

FemShep said:

evelyn602 said:

This is just weird. But honestly, it sounds like family tradition for them. I'd contribute the $200 and consider it my gift and try not stress about it, even if I was side-eyeing them the whole time.. I don't think there's anything you can say or do that will improve the situation, and it sounds like something DH wants to do.

I know your right and it's going to happen regardless but money is such a sensitive topic for us. MIL has asked us to borrow money so many times and for things like vacations And down payments for a new car. Really?

It sounds like you and DH have a bigger issue here than just a party (and his rude family).

When couples argue about money, it often masks bigger issues, like control, feeling of worth, fears, and resentment. You've said that your DH thinks that you just don't like his family, and that's why he's upset and frustrated that you may not want to contribute.

So take his family out of the discussion. Look hard at your budget, your goals for savings and investment (including education, retirement, emergency funds, etc). Have a talk about what's important to you financially right now, in 5 years, in 10 years, etc. Identify your big priorities together, and come up with a plan, together, to achieve your goals.

Once you've set up your budget, you should have some amount of discretionary money left over. Use that money to budget for gifts, vacations, family, etc. Agree that any kind of future event like this will come out of the budget set aside for gifts for his family. MIL wants a loan? Take it out of the budget for gifts for his family. And if that budget won't cover it, talk together about how you'll make up the shortfall. Don't say no just because it's a request from MIL, but look closely at whether you're both willing to shortchange something else (like a family vacation, for example) to provide funds for a family gift. Use the same approach for your family and your children; then it's not a discussion about whether you like his family, it's a discussion about how your DH wants to spend his discretionary budget *after* you've worked to meet the financial goals you share. Good luck!

That is great insight and advice! I have tried for years to at least get him to hear me out when it came to money and his family and it always just turns into a argument. I will seriously start this going forward because it never is about the family but more the expectation that we always have to give it to them. Also he has zero involvement (his choice) when it comes to our finances so I think that's part of it. Thanks for the advice!

mlee116 · March 2014

jf198400 said:

OMG wow. That is ridiculous. I'm more upset for you over the 16th bday party than this, but wow. I was thinking it was crazy before you even mentioned bankruptcy that is just the icing on the cake. If this is something your DH wants to do as a gift for his grandparents then I would go along with it. Even though I agree that a simple party would be much better. As far as MIL buying you a dress, that is just odd. I would tell her that you don't need a new dress, thanks but no thanks, and she can return it.

This, totally. I'd just give them the $200 for the party as a gift even though you better believe I'd be judging them all seven ways 'til Sunday on their financial decisions. And hell damn no on that dress.

ccam · March 2014

Although it is extremely rude to tell you how much you owe instead of asking if you'd like to contribute, I would probably just pay the $200 and consider it my gift to the grandparents. The only reason I would do it is for DH.

The dress, absolutely not. Unless you agreed to it before hand, there is no reason you should have to wear that. Like the other ladies said, put it on eBay for her but absolutely don't pay for that!

Mustardseed2007 · March 2014

I'm going to echo what a lot of people have said. I would give the 200 bucks for the event. They should have asked but since they're completely rude, you can't help their behavior. I would call that my gift.

No on the dress b/c it's for a hoochie 16 year old.

And I'd try and get your DH to do something like financial peace university or something with you. Ya'll should really figure out your finances as well as family boundaries. I would be really worried if my H came from a family where people were declaring bankruptcy all the time and he didn't see a problem with them asking us for money for stuff like sweet 16 parties. I think that was much more rude than this vow renewal deal.

groovygrl · March 2014

Since it sounds like this is not a financial hardship for you, I'd give the $ for the party as your gift to them. Seriously in the grand scheme of life $200 to grandparents who (I think?) have been good to your H (and you) for a big event that will be beyond special to them is totally worth it IMO. Think of them and not the aunts/uncles who requested it instead of asking you about contributing. My brother & I threw my parents a 40th anniversary party and while we made the choice to do that of our own accord, I can say it was one of the best things we ever did, a wonderful memory for all of us & their friends and my father passed away a couple of years later which gave the party & our decision to have it at 40 yrs instead of 50 that much more meaningful.

Tell her sorry but no thanks on the dress or try the CL thing or whatever b/c that is just really weird, but honestly just try to put the money thing aside for this particular situation & keep the grandparents & 50 years of marriage celebration as your focus.
Since they have money mgmt issues just be sure they don't try to talk you into give more to cover anything else since that is the amt they quoted you.

laurakaz13 · March 2014

I would contribute the $200 for the party, but say "Absolutely not!" to the dress.

88sharonlee · March 2014

Honestly this thread was starting to bore me but then I saw the picture of the dress! That is too funny!

You couldn't PAY ME to wear that- and I can't even imagine how it would look if the sizing is off!!!!!!

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