How helpful is DH during the night?

MissusPearson · February 2014

I'm wondering how everyone is dealing with the demands of LO at night. Do you and DH take turns getting up when your babe cries? I have been feeling a bit resentful because 90% of the time I am up with the baby. It does make sense this way of course since I am EBF and usually during nursing or right after, baby will poop so I end up changing most of the diapers at night too. However..the other times when I know she is fussing because of a wet diaper or wants her paci back, or just needs snuggles my DH is proving to be quite the heavy sleeper and I usually just cave and get up with her than too..ugh. He is great with her during the days/evenings he is home . I suppose as long as I'm on mat leave this could be fair (?) but this could get ugly when I go back to work. Do you and your DH share the workload pretty evenly? Or is anyone else feeling frustrated about this?

RondackHiker · February 2014

It doesn't matter what others do if you're feeling frustrated.

Can you try to talk to him about it when you're awake? Tell him you're tired and need more help at night, and that you need to be able to wake him up when LO doesn't need food but just something else.

I hate the heavy sleeper excuse. Yes some people wake more slowly, but what would happen if both parents are heavy sleepers who "just couldn't" get up at night?

AngieV84 · February 2014

We actually take "shifts". We will spend a little time together and have dinner when he gets home from work, then I'll go to sleep until around midnight when he goes to bed and I'll wake up for the late night/early morning feeds. This way, it's pretty clear who does what and it really works for us.
On the weekends, it's reversed. He'll take the late night/early mornings to give me a break.

MamaHollywood27 · February 2014

My DH holds baby when I need to shower or go potty. But for the most part he just helps with the other kids so I can tend to LOs needs. And while its frustrating to have to do everything, it's worth it in the end. I hope you are able to get DH to do what you want/need so you are feeling less stressed.

lihau88 · February 2014

I'm in the same boat. I get up with her every single time. Yes, I am EBF...so yes, it does make sense. But he could definitely get up every now and then to change a diaper or burp her after she's done eating.

She is getting up every two hours or so with the occasional three hour stretch. And every feeding takes about an hour (feed, burp, change diaper, feed again, and burp again) and the whole time my DH is just snoring away. He will occasionally be woken up if she's really fussy and he'll offer to burp her, but as soon as he takes her, he falls asleep with her on his chest/shoulder! So then I'm paranoid and rather not have him do it if he can't even stay awake for 5 minutes. It drives me crazy!! Then he complains during the day how tired he is. What?!? I'm the one getting up every two hours!!!

magentawarped · February 2014

I get the resentment...I feel it too, though it's really kind of unfair because I know that DH would gladly get up if I need him to. Just last night, he changed the batteries in the white noise machine while I fed Logan. He'll change his diaper if I ask. I honestly think it's just me being irritated more at night because I really just want to sleep.

Rosie137 · February 2014

He is 0% percent helpful at night. Ebf here, I I don't really feel the need to ask him for help.

sdlaura · February 2014

I do it all during the night unless I'm at the end of my rope and wake him up to help, which doesn't happen often. I figure I EBF, and I am on maternity leave while he gets up at 4:45 for work, but honestly I do more of the night stuff with our older daughter too when she is sick or something. DH doesn't do as well as I do on limited sleep and he does a lot of other things to help. But this works for us - I agree with rondackhiker that if it's not working for you, you need to change things.

Codypup · February 2014

Right now, he does all the diaper changes at night, and then brings her to me to feed. I'm BFing and pumping, but slacking on actually using the bottles.

We introduced the bottle early, and it went well...except that Willa seems slightly confused by the whole thing. She eats super slowly, licks the nipple like "Hmmmm, what's this? Do I like it?" and then spits out half her sip while attempting to swallow. It's hilarious, just not exactly conducive to night feedings. Honestly, we should probably practice with the bottle more so that H can help me.

I definitely do get snappy at H about it all, but like a PP said, it's mostly due to sleep deprivation and not wanting to wake up. This post is encouraging me to amp up the bottle feeding attempts for when I go back to work (and W goes to daycare.)

cauliflowereyes · February 2014

DH always makes a vague promise about "helping" at night when I need it, but when it comes down to it he never does anything. He'll say he's too tired when I ask for help. LO is bottle feeding mostly at the moment, so he could help with any or all of it, but help happens 0% of the time.

I'm so tired and my LO has had feeding issues from day 1 so you can imagine how I feel about this.

Codypup · February 2014

cauliflowereyes said:

DH always makes a vague promise about "helping" at night when I need it, but when it comes down to it he never does anything. He'll say he's too tired when I ask for help. LO is bottle feeding mostly at the moment, so he could help with any or all of it, but help happens 0% of the time. I'm so tired and my LO has had feeding issues from day 1 so you can imagine how I feel about this.

@cauliflowereyes - have you talked to him about this? I'd be murderous over "vague promises" and an "I'm too tired" excuse. I feel stabby for you.

PeachLove25 · February 2014

DH works 7am-7pm. I wouldn't wake him in the night to help because he has to get up at 5am. I nap during the day when Anna naps. He holds her while I shower each night... And he helps a lot on the weekends... But I feel like it's my job during the week. Each person is different but this is what works for us.

cauliflowereyes · February 2014

@Codypup I've tried to talk to him about this, but he doesn't get it. You can't declare that you want to help and then mumble some crap about "not being able to wake up" or saying you'll be right there and then staying downstairs to watch TV.

Then he says that I should be getting more rest because my stress will rub off on the baby. More guilt. I just want to take LO and move in with my mom sometimes. Apparently it's my fault that DH's life is "boring" anyhow. This has been the most challenging 2 weeks of my life.

BB0214 · February 2014

MH was trying to be helpful. He was getting up with me at night to help with diaper changes and burping. But then he'd complain to the hilt about being so tired. I didn't want to hear it anymore, so we made an agreement that I'd take all the night duty stuff and he needs to up and helping with everything else during the day without complaining.

djtippietoes · February 2014

My situation is a little different as my H works midnight-8 am. During the day is a bit of a challenge though because sometimes he's really good about helping for a few hours before he goes to sleep to let me nap but other times, if he hasn't gotten a good night's sleep before, he will fall asleep and say something about needing sleep because he has to go to work. He's really helpful on the weekends though.

halfthetree · February 2014

DH sleeps in another room with our son, and I am in our bed with DD. I EBF, and stay at home with the kids, so there is no sense him waking up. Plus, I bedshare, so she is right beside me anyways. I have a diaper caddy on the bed, so I just change her in bed, nurse, and back to sleep.

Even if DH was in our bed (which he will be at some point, but for now it's safer bed sharing if he's not, and he gets a better sleep this way) I wouldn't be waking him up for anything.
The first week I was always hungry in the middle of the night so he would make me toast at 2am, but I don't really need him at night now.

PeachLove25 · February 2014

I told DH I was going to stay with my mom for a week (just to get out of the house and not be alone all day bc she's retired.). He got tears in his eyes and said "you're going to take my baby away?" It's six hours and I'd stay a week... But his response made me question leaving. Even though he doesn't physically help during weeknights... I know he cares.

PeachLove25 · February 2014

@califlower I'm sending a TP to your H. ((((Hugs))))

slwprincess · February 2014

Right now DH is sick and banished to the basement so no help :-(. But usually, he changes diaper while I go to bathroom and get propped up with pillows, then I BF and he goes back to sleep. But in the past, he has gone so far as to sleep on the nursery floor while I nursed just so that I don't feel alone. He's a good daddy/husband :-). Talk to him... He may not know how you feel.

[Deleted User] · February 2014

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Codypup · February 2014

cauliflowereyes said:

@Codypup I've tried to talk to him about this, but he doesn't get it. You can't declare that you want to help and then mumble some crap about "not being able to wake up" or saying you'll be right there and then staying downstairs to watch TV. Then he says that I should be getting more rest because my stress will rub off on the baby. More guilt. I just want to take LO and move in with my mom sometimes. Apparently it's my fault that DH's life is "boring" anyhow. This has been the most challenging 2 weeks of my life.

@cauliflowereyes - That definitely sounds frustrating. I'd want to move in with my mom, too! (who am I kidding? I've been fussing at my mom to come back ever since she left.)

But I'd be ragey if I were you, and it sounds like he's struggling with the whole parenthood thing in general? I think it's perfectly ok for you to put your foot down on this one...it takes 2 people to make a baby, and just bcs the LO came out of your uterus does NOT mean you're in charge for the next 18 years. Time to man up, dude!

Big hugs to you.

Dexter&11 · February 2014

If the other half starts work at 10 he'll get up for the first night feed (about 12:30/1 ish) and feed E while I pump - that way only takes about 45 mins to get back to bed. If he starts at 7:30 he does the same, but at the first morning feed (about 5) and then leaves for work. If he's home he gets up with me at all times and will always change s diaper, give E a bottle while I pump to shorten the time taken. I'm lucky...he loves to help with the diaper changes etc

RondackHiker · February 2014

For everyone saying that they feel it's their job to get up since their dh works or they're EBFing... If you feel that way, it's great. But it's also okay to need help and it's not a sign that you're not doing your job. You can get up once or twice at night and work. Ask any mom who returns to work! Hell, I did 90% of the overnight care once DS hit six weeks... But again, that's because DS would sleep right after nursing and I was okay with it. If I needed any help, dh would get up.

The big issue a lot of posters are having is that they need help they aren't getting. Tell dad to man up. Sit him down for a serious conversation and make it clear that while you know you're BFing and he can't feed, he can still help when you need it and that GETTING UP AT NIGHT IS PART OF BEING A PARENT. Being tired or working or whatever isn't an excuse.

Be firm and clear. If he says that he's tired, say that you are too and it's not a competition, but that you need help with HIS baby so he needs to get up.

If he starts in on a third glass of wine, tell him that is not a reason to not get up later.

If he doesn't get up from the tv, walk into the room, hand him the baby, and say "I said I needed your help NOW."

Yes, it is an adjustment to be a parent. Yes some guys struggle. But it isn't okay for it to happen at the expense of the other parent. If mom can struggle along and learn while caring for the baby, dad can too.

kt_arr · February 2014

My situations a little different. DH has a seizure condition that's worse with sleep deprivation (he takes medication but his doctor suggests he get at least 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep).

I'm mainly pumping but BF a couple times a day. The last couple weeks I've been sleeping downstairs with DD and doing all night duties so he can sleep, then he takes her in the morning so I can sleep a few more hours. It works for now but will be hard when he goes back to work, especially because I'm back in school Tuesdays and Thursdays. Coffee is my best friend.

emar129 · February 2014

I'm okay with doing 100% at night right now. I've definitely made it clear that he WILL be helping when I go back to work in a month. He tries to get out of poopy diapers, claiming he "gags" when he sees it. You know, because having curdled spit up all over your tits smells fantastic. But I basically just remind him he is the father and needs to help so I don't become overwhelmed. He does try the heavy sleeper excuse but I just shake him until he's up

amerk1107 · February 2014

I had an emergency c-section and have been having a hard time, but DH has been so wonderful and helps as much as he can. We are EBF but, DH stays up most of the night to make sure I wake up to get my meds on time and he's done about 90% of the diaper changes since LO was born. He's also been maintaining the house and I have just been sleeping and feeding the baby for the most part. I am going to be sad when he goes back to work on Sunday I must admit because he's been so good to us and helping out so much night and day.

Virgo&Aquarius · February 2014

When my DH was home with us for two weeks he got up at night with me because he felt he didn't want me to go at it alone. Since going back to work he doesn't deliberately get up. I don't want him too. He gets up at 5:45 and works till 7 some nights. He travels an hour each way. He sleeps so light and is often in pain. After work he helps with math homework and cooks. While I'm home I can't justify having him up at night when DD2 responds better to me feeding and putting her back to sleep. We get to nap all day while he's all stressed at work. I did it by myself for DD1 so it's no big deal. I know it won't last forever. On the weekends he will grab DD2 for hours while I nap hard. I know if I need him he'll be there no matter what time. The other night it was 1am and I was leaking milk. He made me take the 30mins to pump for my comfort. He laid with DD2 while I pumped and cleaned up after. I felt bad becauae he was losing sleep but he was insisting when he saw the milk just dripping and my chest was engourged.

You really have to do what works for you. Even when I go back to work I think it will be me to get up. I tend to soothe her easily so she goes back to bed quickly.

MissDemeanor · February 2014

elissarump said:

I'm okay with doing 100% at night right now. I've definitely made it clear that he WILL be helping when I go back to work in a month. He tries to get out of poopy diapers, claiming he "gags" when he sees it. You know, because having curdled spit up all over your tits smells fantastic. But I basically just remind him he is the father and needs to help so I don't become overwhelmed. He does try the heavy sleeper excuse but I just shake him until he's up

My boyfriend really does gag at dirty diapers. And at other things too, like dog vomit. He actually even has trouble at the dentist, and they usually just sedate him. It's a well known thing of his. It pisses me off to no end though! But after 6 years, I've gotten used to it, and just deal with it.

Last night I was making up a poll to post about the helpfulness of husbands. On a bad day I feel like I do 100% of everything. I don't actually see a point in him getting up to change diapers when I'm already awake. But it doesn't stop me being resentful on occasion. He has quickly learned to never say he's tired, or sore, because I just don't care how he feels after his 8 hours of sleep.

RedSoxGirl10 · February 2014

I do all the night shifts, but like others have said my DH has to go to work in the AM and I'm breastfeeding so it makes sense. That being said, when my husband mentions being tired I really want to smack him... I have not slept more than 2 hours at a time for the last 5 weeks, there is no way he can know what tired is.

When I go back to work, we are going to have to figure out a little bit more fair way to divide night responsibilities.

MissusPearson · February 2014

After seeing some of these responses, I think I will start pumping once a day so DH can help me with at least one feed/diaper change a night. Also since he works as a bar manager there are only 3 mornings he has to be up got work. With the evening shifts I see no reason why he can't help me more with those -going to talk with him about it tomorrow

keags5496 · February 2014

I do all of the night feedings. He would help if I asked but its more of a pita to wake him up and get him moving. Also (embarrassed to admit this) but I did this with DS1 and I love that I am his go to when he needs something. I function on little sleep anyways so I don't feel like I need the help.

It's super important though to get help if you need it. Don't let yourself get to a point where you're hurting your relationship because resentful.

ramfan05 · February 2014

golfergirl08 said:

Yeah... that's nice that you get to nap all day while home with baby, but that has not been happening with most of us here. I love being home with DD but it is not all puppies and rainbows (and sleep). I wish she would let me nap!

Definitely this! DH is home with us right now, but I already know that when he goes back to work and it's just me and the kids, there is not going to be much rest during the day for this mama.

DH has been very helpful during the day and at night. DD is bottle-fed, and DH and I split nighttime feedings. We will continue to do this when he is at work, and when I go back to work. It's what we did last time, and I am very grateful that he gets up and cares for DD half of the time at night. It is what works for us.

keags5496 · February 2014

@megash113

You're a better woman than I. I can't even begin to respond in a civilized manner to that comment

JackieP1023 · February 2014

DH helps... Sometimes. Usually not more than 1-2 nights in a row 'because he needs to get caught up on sleep'. Granted, he does work long hours, and it can be dangerous working his job on little sleep... I get it. But it still sucks. I'm going to be starting to pump this week, so we can start trying to introduce a bottle. We'll see--DH will be keeping DD once I go back to work (I'll work on his off days)... He already has a hard time calming her, so we'll see what happens. I think he is going to be in for some rough days for awhile

Virgo&Aquarius · February 2014

@megash113 You might want to be careful with how you come at me; you didn’t have to get smart with me. How can you be upset because it’s my truth? MY kid naps pretty regularly throughout the day while my husband is stressed to the high hills at work. It’s not undermining anyone’s frustrations; that was not my intention. I was just stating how my household operates at this time. I’m talking about my personal situation… you know, just like how you talk about your personal feeling towards being in the SFP club.

I did this whole mother thing with DD1 by myself without help even being an option, so yes, it is no big deal TO ME. After not having any help at all I’m grateful for the help I do get whenever I get it. I didn’t say it was easy at all, you implied that. Having a newborn is seldom easy. I’m just saying it’s no big deal for me to be up at night because I did it before and got through it. I know I won’t be getting up by myself forever.

@bribbon being home with the baby was not meant to sound like it was an implied luxury. I was just stating my reality. It’s how my house functions while I’m home with my kid. She sleeps through the day. So while I’m up all night with her, I get my rest during the day when she sleeps. If you see that as a luxury then I can’t help that. I see it as how we do things since she’s up at night. I posted a few days ago about how much I actually miss work and felt bad because I want to go back; I talked about how much my career meant to me. I know that work can come as a welcomed relief; maybe that’s why I’m itching to go back after a month. I know that staying home with the baby long term doesn’t work for me.

@golfergirl08 I’m sorry that it’s not the case for you and I never said it was all puppies and rainbows. I got my own postpartum feelings and situations I’m dealing with. Just because it’s not happening for the majority doesn’t mean it’s not happening for me. Since I’m up all night it is nice that I get to nap during the day.

It’s like when one person has a remotely good thing going and mentions it they get pounced on when it’s not happening for the majority. We are all at different places with our Feb 14 journeys. My bad for sleeping during the day! I thought I deserved some sleep since I do take the night shift.

RondackHiker · February 2014

Virgo&Aquarius said:
@megash113 You might want
to be careful with how you come at me; you didn’t have to get smart with me.
How can you be upset because it’s my truth? MY kid naps pretty regularly throughout
the day while my husband is stressed to the high hills at work. It’s not undermining
anyone’s frustrations; that was not my intention. I was just stating how my
household operates at this time. I’m talking about my personal situation… you
know, just like how you talk about your personal feeling towards being in the
SFP club.

I did this whole mother
thing with DD1 by myself without help even being an option, so yes, it is no
big deal TO ME. After not having any help at all I’m grateful for the help I do
get whenever I get it. I didn’t say it was easy at all, you implied that.
Having a newborn is seldom easy. I’m just saying it’s no big deal for me to be
up at night because I did it before and got through it. I know I won’t be
getting up by myself forever.

@bribbon being home with
the baby was not meant to sound like it was an implied luxury. I was just
stating my reality. It’s how my house functions while I’m home with my kid. She
sleeps through the day. So while I’m up all night with her, I get my rest
during the day when she sleeps. If you see that as a luxury then I can’t help
that. I see it as how we do things since she’s up at night. I posted a few days
ago about how much I actually miss work and felt bad because I want to go back;
I talked about how much my career meant to me. I know that work can come as a welcomed
relief; maybe that’s why I’m itching to go back after a month. I know that
staying home with the baby long term doesn’t work for me.

@golfergirl08 I’m sorry
that it’s not the case for you and I never said it was all puppies and rainbows.
I got my own postpartum feelings and situations I’m dealing with. Just because
it’s not happening for the majority doesn’t mean it’s not happening for me.
Since I’m up all night it is nice that I get to nap during the day.

It’s like when one person
has a remotely good thing going and mentions it they get pounced on when it’s
not happening for the majority. We are all at different places with our Feb 14
journeys. My bad for sleeping during the day! I thought I deserved some sleep
since I do take the night shift.

Wow.

halfthetree · February 2014

Am I the only one who understood @Virgo&Aquarius "we get to nap" comment as her and her baby specifically, not all new mothers who stay home?
I don't see the issue with her original response.

VeronicaAnn143 · February 2014

I do all of the night feedings during the week. DH went back to work at 2 weeks and I felt like it was fair for me to do the night shifts. On the weekends we alternate and when I go back to work next Tuesday we will go back to alternating every night. I want to try to transition LO to his crib this week if possible.

jpoindahouse · February 2014

My husband does sweet damn all...I mean, the man seriously does nothing when it comes to the baby. I wanted to bitch slap him the first week home from the hospital. He is great in many respects, but this is not one of them. I seriously feel like I'm stuck in a 1950s sitcom where I am cast as the seemingly happy but disgruntled homemaker and he is the bumbling idiot male. Anyway, DH and I are going to have to have a talk sometime soon

cy1980 · February 2014

We take shifts similar to@bepand nick. DH is back at work LO is just over a week old. DH gets home at 6.30 when LO has just been fed, and we make dinner together. I go to bed upstairs 9pm -2am and he has LO downstairs, then I get up and pump, and he goes to bed 2am-9am. Obviously it wouldn't work if we were not pumping as well as BFing, but this was DHs idea and luckily he has been 100% helpful. He knows he is a heavy sleeper so taking it in turns a feed at a time would never work as I would not be able to wake him each time. I go back to work in 6 wks so we will see what happens then!

Giraffealaff · February 2014

I'd say we split it pretty evenly, attempting to rotate who does what shift so that every other night we each get a 6 hour and a 3 hour sleep. Some nights I will opt to do an extra feeding so H can sleep because he goes back to work and I get to nap with LO during the day - however if I request him to let me sleep for an extra hour he has no qualms with this

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