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Parenting after a Loss
thumper7912
member
Hello! (long)
thumper7912
member
Hey guys!
My name's Amanda and I have a 19 (almost 20) month old named Emma. We belonged to July 2012 for a very long time and then I had to change my account so I now look like I newbie!
We found out shortly after DDs 1st birthday that we were expecting LO#2. Went to the doctors and they wanted to confirm EDD and scheduled an u/s. Went in and confirmed us a 7 weeks and EDD of April 2014. Everything looked normal with a heart beat and all but they did see a cyst they wanted to watch so we scheduled a 10 week u/s. I had a very big gut feeling that I was going to m/c, and didn't know why. I tried to blame it on BF but my doctor assured me that I would have a happy healthy pregnancy, just like I did with DD.
Shortly after my 7 week u/s my DH got a job offer so we packed up and moved 2 hours south (Colorado Springs!). Luckily the health systems just merged so I could follow up with my doctor up North and not have to drive 2 hrs for a u/s. DH took a long lunch and we went in for the u/s in late September. The u/s tech was obviously avoiding the baby while looking around.. So I asked if we could see the baby before we did everything else. She focused on the baby and I asked "am I just being paranoid or do I not see a heartbeat?" The tech, very nonchalantly answered "nope, neither do I." I was devastated. I didn't know how to react.. I didn't know what to day. DH, DD and I just sat there in silence while the u/s tech finished looking at my anatomy. She said the doctors would review the u/s and get back with us. We still had hope, or at least DH did. I didn't so much. It was my worst fear come true. How did I know this would happen? Why did it happen so late in the first trimester? Why now? Why?
We got the call from my on call doctor who had to jump through hoops to get my u/s from the hospital down here. He asked if I wanted to take anything for it and I declined. I'd rather try to do this naturally than maybe do something that I didn't have to. We scheduled another u/s to confirm it and this time they found swelling and no HB. I still refused the medication and said I would try to do this naturally. 2 weeks after the 2nd confirmation u/s (13 weeks) I decided I couldn't' handle it anymore. We opted for a D&C in October 2013 since we have DD and I didn't want to be alone when and if the medication kicked in or I did it naturally. They said I lost more blood than normal during the D&C but no real complications. I had a dream that LO#2 was a girl and we named her Harlow. She's our little Heavenly Harlow now. Our 2nd child that I will never get to hold. We did burier her, and we have a place to go visit. It's one of the most beautiful places I've ever been to. (It's the oldest public cemetery on this side of the Mississippi!)
I've been in a dark hole for a little while now. We've never been the preventing ones but we've not started actively trying until this past month. I've had 4 cycles since the m/c.
Being a mother to Emma has been the most challenging thing I've encountered during this grieving process. I don't feel like I've been the best I could be with her. I'm not as patient as I used to be. In the last 2 months things have gotten tremendously better in that department but I still find some days where I don't want to get out of bed. I'm so glad I've found this board. I have introduced myself over on TTCAL but I'm not 100% it's for me yet. Emma is all of my joy and a lot of my frustration most days. So if I can't mention her, I won't be an effective support over there and I know I wouldn't get much support. I hope I can find a place here!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Hello! (long)
BFP#1 10 wk missed mc
BFP#2 DS born at 40+2 on 8/14/12 BFP#3 DD Born at 39+3 on 5/13/14
#1 BFP 1/10/11; missed m/c discovered 7w5d
IF Dx: Endo, hetero MTHFR mutation, poor morphology
#1 IUI: 1/18/12 = BFN
#1 IVF/ICSI 4/2/12 = 2 x 7-cell and 1 x 5-cell transferred (3dt) = BFP!!
H was born at 41w2d on 12/29/12 - be still my heart!
#2 IVF/ICSI 1/19/14 = 2 x 8 cells transferred (3dt) = BFP!! EDD 10/09/14
M&W born at 37 weeks on 9/18/14 - I am the momma of 3 boys!!!
BFP # 1 - 12/19/09 EDD 08/27/10 - D&C 1/26/10 @ 9w5d
BFP # 2 - 06/05/10 EDD 02/17/11, DS1 born on 2/14/11
BFP # 3 - 04/10/13 EDD 12/21/13 - D&C 05/15/13 @ 8w4d
BFP # 4 - 07/27/13 EDD 04/08/14 - CP 07/29/13
BFP # 5 - 09/14/13 EDD 05/28/14, DS2 born on 5/22/14
BFP #2: 08/23/12; EDD: 05/04/13 ~Please stick little one!!! DS born 05/09/13 at 40w5d
BFP #1: 05/05/12; EDD: 01/01/13; m/c: 05/21/12 ~Forever in our hearts~
TTC since 11/2009; Lap/HSG/Hysteroscopy: 5/2011 (endometriosis - removed; endocervical polyp - removed; high pressure in bilateral tubes - cleared)
BFP #1: 8/4/11; DS1 born sleeping on 11/16/11 at 19w1d
BFP # 2: 5/7/12, EDD 1/10/13, DS2 born 1/4/13
BFP # 3: 11/8/13, EDD 7/17/14, mmc 10wks
BFP # 4: 5/16/14, EDD 1/15/15, praying for our 2nd rainbow baby
I actually did go back to TTCAL after my second loss. I had trouble coming on this board sometimes since there are so many pregnant ladies. Having been on TTCAL before, I knew to compartmentalize. Talk of DS went here, my siggy was pared down to text and DSs ticker, and I was liberal with ticker warnings and such. There certainly is an added twist to having a loss with a child at home. It was à different hurt than my first loss...but a hurt just the same.
Ps. Colorado Springs is beautiful!
BFP#2 2.5.11 (EDD 10.15.11) DS born 9.28.11
BFP#4 8.27.13 (EDD 5.6.14) DD born 4.23.14
My Recipe Blog
~All AL'ers welcome~
BFP#1 D&C May 18th 2012 at 9 wks. EDD Dec 17 2012BFP#2 CP Sept 17th 2012 at 4.5 wks. EDD May 23 2013
BFP#3 EDD June 24th 2013 IT'S A GIRL!
BFP#4 EDD March 2 2015
BFP#2 ~ 8/2/11, EDD 4/11/12, D&C 9/12/11 at 9w5d
BFP#3 ~ 4/15/12, EDD 12/21/12 ~ DD born 12/22/12
BFP #2 11/3/10; BO at u/s 10w6d 12/16/10; Natural MC 1/7/11; D&C 4/21/11
BFP #3 10/27/11 Please stick, LO!! 2/6/12 It's a Girl! Alexis Grace born 6/29/12
BFP#4 4/27/14 Stick, stick, stick!! 8/11/14 It's a Boy! Evan Wesley born 1/8/15
"Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting. That is laziness. But to keep going when the going is hard and slow, that is patience." Let it Be (blog) ♥ My BFP Charts
This time I'm not leaving without you.