How have you been dealing?

MusicATWork · February 2014

How have you all been dealing with people's unsolicited advice or comments? Especially the "oh you'll see, you will change your mind when the baby comes" comments! Passive aggressiveness, straight up "mind your own business", "thank you, I will take that into consideration!"?

I can only be so polite before I lose my shit, and I feel myself getting angrier and losing my cool with each passing comment, what is it that people don't get, humans were not all created to think/feel the same way, we don't all value the same things!

Rant over!

Miggg · February 2014

For me if depends on the topic. When moms tell me I'll change my mind about a water birth, for example, I just smile and say "maybe" because I don't want to get into a conversation that could make anyone feel as if I'm judging their birthing decisions. For other things though I tend to stick to my guns and politely explain my position.

stinamarie412 · February 2014

Smiling and nodding. Or rolling my eyes. It depends on how bitchy I feel that day.

whitneymarie003 · February 2014

I've been using the "smile and nod" approach for everything. I get super annoyed with most comments but just bite my tongue and try to remind myself that they all think they're being helpful. I'm already low on energy so I can't keep up with arguing with people who make unwanted comments. I might break one day though!

SurprisePartySue · February 2014

Edited: one of the gifs didn't work.

hfooter · February 2014

Well on sat when two older ladies told me I looked like I was due sooner than may I just said "Yep, Im huge." Those comments don't bother me too much right now.

But when I get people that tell me that I "will understand when I am a mom" I get angry. If I hear it again I will lash out.

The last time I was told it was when I told my "friends" being 30 mins late to a book club that has been scheduled for a while now is disrespectful. And you know what they said "Well you will understand when you are a mom."

I said no, when I am a mom and I know can't make potential commitments I won't make them. Book club hasn't happened since.

jenb_99 · February 2014

Smile and nod or a simple "Hmm" always worked for me.

Mimaloo · February 2014

I'm way too honest to be that polite. MIL said she didn't like our name choice and I told her she'd have to get used to it. My mom said she wasn't crazy about our name - I reminded her of my name and said she had no business judging anyone else's name choices (my name is weird).

A friend was trying to give me advice (they have a 7 month old) and telling me how mine and DH's life is over now and I told him that as much as I love him and his family, they are the most neurotic parents I have ever met (which is true) and I can't see DH and I being so extreme.

Idk I really don't get too much unsolicited advice (maybe because I don't sugar coat my responses) but when I do I make it clear if it's not appreciated.

mimzgoy · February 2014

The worse is when you get unsolicited advice from women who are not even mothers and are younger than you (example: sister in law and brother in law's girlfriend). Then they act like they know all about kids and parenting, while you know nothing! Grrr

JennyOR30 · February 2014

I made a simple comment to my MIL a few days ago that due to the fact our LO is going to be a preemie, that I wasn't up for her being passed around. I want to limit what she's exposed to. She very quickly informed me that once she does get to come home from the hospital, I'll change my mind, because she'll be bigger. I looked at my hubby and mouthed "your mother is crazy!!"

whimsy515 · February 2014

I get weird advice/comments. Once people find out I'm having a boy, they all demand him to be circumcised. It's like they sense that we're in fact not going that route, but it's no one's business! Then I get people demanding that I have another kid right away. I'm always open to the idea that we could be one and done. I just nod and try to walk away, but once I get in the car, then I vent about it to my DH or Mom!

lindseylu10 · February 2014

This is maybe a UO but I think most pregnant women are WAY too over sensitive about this kind of thing. Unless you surround yourself with a bunch of raging assholes how about we give people the benefit of the doubt that they are simply trying to give helpful advice and share experiences and not really trying to hurt feelings, make you feel ill-prepared for a child etc. I just feel like a lot of pregnant women feel defensive before they even have the baby and that isn't going to serve anyone well when you really do need help. A simple thank and a smile goes a long way.

MissLadyTay · February 2014

Smile and nod and say "we'll see!" And I hate the "just wait" comments. They are so demeaning to a FTM. I did "just wait" and to be honest, I didn't change my mind about much once my kid was here. Things like "you won't be able to leave your baby, you'll see." Um, nope, never had trouble leaving my baby for date nights or weekends with MH or even going back to work. Knew myself well enough to know I would be okay, and I was. Just one example of many. Another good one is "just wait, you'll cry too when your baby gets its shots." From SIL, who apparently cries when her kids get shots. Nope, didn't cry, didn't even feel sad. Felt relieved that baby was protected. People are dumb.

sheriot · February 2014

I keep reading the title of this thread as, "How long have you been dealing?" And figured it was an NA-type post.

I tend to agree with @lindseylu10. I am a FTM so I try to listen when someone (knowledgeable) gives me advice/tips. Can't hurt. When someone says something ridiculous, however, I just smile/nod/laugh/change the subject. In the end, it is your baby and you will raise him/her however you damn well please.

Xath · February 2014

The perk of being pregnant with kid #3 is that there's almost no unsolicited advice. BTDT with people we know, and conversations with strangers usually go like this:

Them: Oh is this your first? (spooling up to make all sorts of comments)
Me: Nope, third.
Them:...Oh!

Sometimes you'll even get a compliment like "You don't look old enough to have 3 kids."

But yeah, when I was a FTM I just listened to all of the advice and filed it away for later. Sometimes it was incredibly useful, sometimes not. But I still try to retain that repository because every kid is different and what worked for the last one might not for this one.

snheywood · February 2014

Sometimes when DH and I are out for dinner, the waitress will instantly comment about how we should sleep now because we will never sleep when the baby gets here. Or, they will give some advice about what we are getting ourselves into.

Since we had to use IVF to get pregnant, I always tell them that we knew what we were getting into when we paid 10,000 dollars to get pregnant. That usually shuts them up quickly.

ThereBeDragons · February 2014

I don't get a lot of comments because I see so few people due to bed rest... And I can filter who gets to come in the door to bother me by pretending to sleep if they're too annoying.

But honestly they (the comments) don't bother me too much. The big one recently has been my mom pushing heavily that DH and I should get a basic 20$ umbrella stroller because anything more fancy will just be a heavy nuisance... And I'll see what she means when baby arrives. And you know- I'm still getting a nice stroller (City Mini) but after hearing her go on and on about weight and convenience I did change which stroller to get and went with a lighter one with an easy fold. I think she'll be pleasantly surprised when she sees the stroller.

I listen, try to figure out what they're really suggesting beyond whatever bizarre idea they propose, and try to use the advice smartly. A friend recommended the A+A swaddling blankets and while I had planned on doing Velcro swaddlers like I used with the kids I nannied for- I noticed that the A+A swaddlers were pretty useful as general around the house blankets for a summer baby in our climate. So I registered for some of them too.

People just want to be helpful. I'm willing to listen. And if it doesn't make sense for us- I'll just nod and smile and try to figure out why the heck they thought it was something useful to suggest.

ArmyMedic7588 · February 2014

I usually use the "oh thanks, I'll try to remember that for when baby gets here" kinda thing. But it really depends on who it's coming from. Someone freaked out at a party cause I ate a peanut butter cookie (mind you I hate this person to begin with, but I play civil)... She thought that I was seriously gonna kill the baby in utero cause it'll get an allergy now. Like really, thats what she told me. Mind you she's around 19 or something and has no pregnancy/baby experience. I just replied back "Hmm well that wasn't discussed by my Dr when she listed things I can't eat. And anyways eating peanuts and the like while pregnant actually helps baby not get an allergy to them" and citing a research article my Dr gave me. She shut up, I ate another cookie and walked off.

And I have this SUPER annoying Sgt in my company who sometimes is in charge of me for drill weekends... everyone thinks she's nuts. She tries telling me crap all the time. I can't stand her. Somedays I wish I didn't have to keep my military bearing and courtesy.

But when I get advice from DH's aunt (who has been a L&D nurse for 30+ years) I kinda listen to what she says! haha But people know I'm stubborn. I play nice with people I need to play nice with, I get snarky with people I don't need to care about.

Mimaloo · February 2014

Smile and nod and say "we'll see!" And I hate the "just wait" comments. They are so demeaning to a FTM. I did "just wait" and to be honest, I didn't change my mind about much once my kid was here. Things like "you won't be able to leave your baby, you'll see." Um, nope, never had trouble leaving my baby for date nights or weekends with MH or even going back to work. Knew myself well enough to know I would be okay, and I was. Just one example of many. Another good one is "just wait, you'll cry too when your baby gets its shots." From SIL, who apparently cries when her kids get shots. Nope, didn't cry, didn't even feel sad. Felt relieved that baby was protected. People are dumb.

I've heard this and I don't get it either. Why would I cry? Shots don't hurt that badly and she'll be protected.

MusicATWork · February 2014

I get that some people think they are being helpful, however they usually make becoming a parent sound so horrible! If becoming a parent was that awful, we wouldn't be here lol! I do take everything with a grain of salt, but it's getting pretty annoying hearing the same things over and over again!

Anddddd I have too big a mouth to just nod and smile, so I am constantly defending my position, it's getting exhausting. I need to learn to shut up and say "I'd rather not discuss my opinions with you"! Plus people always catch me when I'm in my office, so I can't walk away from them lol!

C'est la vie, it is, what is is!

skyrockets · February 2014

I've been pretty fortunate with the unsolicited advice. However, on Thursday, there were a couple comments made by a former work associate that I ran into that made my head spin. My husband and I had lived apart for two years due to work and I had two miscarriages in that time span… she said some pretty insensitive things to me about how long it's taken to get to this point for me, and then talked at length about a late term loss someone she knew had. I tried changing the subject and then just excused myself. People are dumb. I've also gotten then "didn't know if you were gaining weight or expecting comment" from people. Some things are not meant to say to people's faces!!

Here's some cute advice I've been getting: My ninth graders are loving suggesting names for this little guy!

awc1986 · February 2014

I don't get a lot of advice, but I do get a lot of bodily comments. Some people are fascinated with my boobs because I was already a natural 32G. They're obsessed with me "getting huge". I've also been told about my belly that "it'll pop" and "it's gonna get massive near the end!". I'm still looking a bit small for 29 weeks and have put on 13lbs overall, but LO is measuring 38th-50th percentile for all important measurements, so their opinions mean nothing. My dad is pretty cool because he just said my mum didn't carry big so to ignore people. Why are some people obsessed with you getting enormous? It seems ok for people to speculate on your weight gain when you're pregnant, but not the rest of the time.

Christinaruth74 · February 2014

I'm ok with advice here and there...I can usually just smile and nod and take it all with a grain of salt.
It's the unsolicited comments like, "WOW! you sure there aren't 2 in there?!" or "Looks like you're carrying a BIG baby!" that I have a hard time with. But those comments typically come from old people, so i assume they're senile or blind and then go home and cry to DH over some ice cream.

JAM85 · February 2014

I just smile and nod or change the subject. Honestly I try not to engage anyone in a conversation that could be turned to that for that reason. The only one that is super annoying is when people ask about labor and drugs and i say nope the goal is none and they all act like I am a crazy FTM who doesn't know what she is talking about and will change her mind. I grit my teeth and walk away at that.

eemiers · February 2014

I excuse myself to the bathroom every time someone says something I don't care for. Mainly bc I have to pee again...but also to prevent inappropriate responses at work.

daisyemerson · February 2014

I feel like the "oh you just wait" comments are more to make the commenters feel better about their own choices. And maybe with the intention to try to make us feel better later on if whatever decision becomes too hard?
I don't think people mean it maliciously, but I HATE that people want to burst my bubble of optimism. Yes breast feeding, cloth diapering (etc) might be hard but going into it with a negative "well it may or may not work out" attitude sure isn't going to get me through those long nights. Let me keep my happy optimism please and thank you!

NorthernGal248 · February 2014

My close friends who have 2 plus kids of their own are great about giving advice that doesn't demean. For example, don't buy too much toys right away - go to a friends house who has it and see if your baby likes it before shelling out the money for it. Freeze meals ahead of time, you might not need them but you will love yourself for having them prepared if you do need them.

I have a friend who just became a mother last November - she is constantly telling me that I will never baby wear, use my little baby bathrub, or put my baby on a schedule. Lady! First, babies are all different! Maybe I won't be able to baby wear as much as I would like or maybe I will! I will have to do my best to set baby on a routine because DH and I both work full time jobs.

Aaaah.. venting feels good...

busterbeagle · February 2014

Eh, eventually you just stop hearing it. It used to bug me a lot, now I don't even notice it. I know which of my friends/family have similar parenting styles as me, and I go to them when I need advice or ideas for how to deal with something. Maybe it just gets easier once you are past the baby stage, because everyone seems to think they are an expert on that, but toddlers are so mysterious that no one can claim to have all the answers to doing it right.

Kaylee524 · February 2014

kitchencolors said:

Smile, nod, and don't engage. People will always have something useless to say. If you don't discuss your decisions, they can't comment.

This has pretty much been my strategy when it comes to things I really don't feel the need to discuss, like BFing, what drugs I plan on taking during labor, how I'm going to handle little sleep, etc. As PPs have said, however, I do find that taking into consideration a lot of the practical advice from other moms has been really helpful (what to buy and what not to bother with, for instance). As for comments on my size or what I'm doing/eating while pregnant I pretty much say "My doctor said it was fine." and leave it at that.

Honestly, I had years of deflecting questions like "When are you going to start having babies?" while we were struggling with IF, and I've built up a pretty tough skin for stupid and insensitive comments, questions, and suggestions.

oscarwao · February 2014

MissLadyTay said:

Smile and nod and say "we'll see!" And I hate the "just wait" comments. They are so demeaning to a FTM. I did "just wait" and to be honest, I didn't change my mind about much once my kid was here. Things like "you won't be able to leave your baby, you'll see." Um, nope, never had trouble leaving my baby for date nights or weekends with MH or even going back to work. Knew myself well enough to know I would be okay, and I was. Just one example of many. Another good one is "just wait, you'll cry too when your baby gets its shots." From SIL, who apparently cries when her kids get shots. Nope, didn't cry, didn't even feel sad. Felt relieved that baby was protected. People are dumb.

Dude, I creepy internet stranger love you. I agree on the shots and leaving LO - not going to make me cry.

awknyc · February 2014

Unless it's my own mom or certain friends, I actually think I've grown accustomed to smiling and nodding while it goes in one ear and out the other. I can honestly tell you I don't remember any of the advice random people have given me bc I figure that I'll deal with it when the time comes. Nod, smile, zone out.

lavendergiraffes · February 2014

I've found it's easier to not talk about it with people!! Working with a bunch of women - teachers are always pregnant - gives way to a lot of comments and stories. The comments sometimes get to me but like others said I try to brush it off. What I don't want to hear are the horrible labor/birth stories. I don't want or need to hear it!! I'm trying to surround myself with positivity and all they want to tell me is how horrible it is!!! I want to scream SHUT UP!!! ....but I don't.

EmilyGolden1 · February 2014

lindseylu10 said:
This is maybe a UO but I think most pregnant women are WAY too over sensitive about this kind of thing. Unless you surround yourself with a bunch of raging assholes how about we give people the benefit of the doubt that they are simply trying to give helpful advice and share experiences and not really trying to hurt feelings, make you feel ill-prepared for a child etc. I just feel like a lot of pregnant women feel defensive before they even have the baby and that isn't going to serve anyone well when you really do need help. A simple thank and a smile goes a long way.

Yes--this is an UO. First I don't need anyone to tell me while I am pregnant and hormonal that I am being TOO sensitive. Not cool, at all.

Edited: b/c I am too sensitive

gypsymystic · February 2014

stinamarie412 said:

Smiling and nodding. Or rolling my eyes. It depends on how bitchy I feel that day.

Exactly this. If it's MIL, the latter. Cuz... she totally deserves it and this i the only way I typically communicate my frustration to her to her face anyway. FWIW, this is my second kid, I am the oldest of 4 with a significant age gap, I work with infants for a living, her last 'baby' was over 30 years ago. I could go on for days about why her opinion is not a trusted source for me. Plus, she acted like I was an idiot/bad mom because I gave my kid tylenol for teething (according to her, her 3 kids NEVER cried or had any pain associated with cutting teeth so it must be my fault if mine did...) and she also claimed to have fed them baby purees until they were THREE years old because it's 'healthier'. She criticized me for stopping just after 12 mos. In summary... she's a serious nutjob.

How have you been dealing?

Re: How have you been dealing?

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