how to tell them they arent really welcomed?

Belovedvirgo0209 · February 2014

Ok so I have two problems the first one is my mom, she kind of invited herself into the delivery room and I really want it to be just me and Heather.I tried explaining to her that I really want the first outside visitor to meet Averie to be her older sister she kind of laughed it off and was like whatever.So my problem is how do I nicely say mom your not welcome? she feels like she should be in there because when I was 13 she gave birth to my little brother and I was in the delivery room.Heather doesn't care either way.Second Heather's mom wants to come spend a week with us when Averie arrives however my only concern is that we will have a almost 2 yr old ,a newborn and her mother who is mentally ill.Now she is currently on meds and lives in a supervised house to ensure she takes her meds and she isn't violent or anything my only concern is that she will come to VA (she lives in NY) and stop taking her meds and we will be back at square one.We spent 9 yrs of our relationship trying to get her help and get her on her meds and she was on them for awhile and then stopped the moment she got a little bit of freedom.Her track record isnt the best so I wouldn't feel right with leaving Adasyn with her while we were at the hospital so we would still have to have someone else watch Adasyn for us and I also worry that will hurt her feelings.I don't want to seem mean but my mother and her mother aren't a part of our daily lives so I don't feel the need for them to intrude on this special occasion now mind you neither even bothered to come to the hospital when Adasyn was born and neither came home with us to help us with her so why are they making a big deal about Averie? I dont mind them visiting us I would just rather it be the four of us at home instead of house guest.I have never been through labor and delivery but I can imagine I will be really tired and wont really want people there.Has anyone else had to deal with this?Help please

valeriegp · February 2014

Regarding your mom, you need to pitch it as being about you and not her. Tell her that you would love for her to be in the waiting room so that she can meet the baby the day she is born, but that it is important to you that you have a few people in the room as possible, and that you really want it to be an intimate time with just you and your partner (or something like that). She might get upset, but at least it will be couched in terms that are about you and not against her. Maybe you could even compromise and she could be the one who brings your other daughter in for the first time to meet the baby? (this will depend on your mom's personality, of course)

As for your partner's mom, tell her that you don't want visitors for the first X weeks, and that that applies to everyone. It is completely within your rights to say that to her and anyone else who wants to visit.

mwagner25 · February 2014

People may not like it but you and your wife will have to set boundaries and stick to them. We told my MIL that she was not going to be allowed in the delivery room. She hated hearing it but got over it when she realized it want something that was not negotiable. She is one of those people who might just show up uninvited so we didn't tell her when we went into the hospital and made sure nothing was said on social media until Oliver was born. This also allowed us to take as much time as we wanted just the three of us after his birth before we were bombarded with vistiors. We definitely made the right decision and I still cherish the first few hours that the three of us spent while Oliver and I did skin to skin. He was so alert and looking back and forth at both of us. No way would I have wanted anyone else there distracting him or trying to hold him. He just got to enjoy coming into the world and seeing/hearing his Mommas out of the womb for the first time.

Just decide what is right for you and your family, how you guys want to spend your first hours/weeks after the baby is here. Stick to your decision. Everyone else will get over it once they do see your LO.

HollynLeana · February 2014

mwagner25 said:

People may not like it but you and your wife will have to set boundaries and stick to them. We told my MIL that she was not going to be allowed in the delivery room. She hated hearing it but got over it when she realized it want something that was not negotiable. She is one of those people who might just show up uninvited so we didn't tell her when we went into the hospital and made sure nothing was said on social media until Oliver was born. This also allowed us to take as much time as we wanted just the three of us after his birth before we were bombarded with vistiors. We definitely made the right decision and I still cherish the first few hours that the three of us spent while Oliver and I did skin to skin. He was so alert and looking back and forth at both of us. No way would I have wanted anyone else there distracting him or trying to hold him. He just got to enjoy coming into the world and seeing/hearing his Mommas out of the womb for the first time.

Just decide what is right for you and your family, how you guys want to spend your first hours/weeks after the baby is here. Stick to your decision. Everyone else will get over it once they do see your LO.

Agreed!

trisholio · February 2014

My advice to is be clear and set boundaries with both mothers. At one point I wasn't sure if I wanted my sister in the delivery room (still not 100%) and I was honest with her about it. I am sure it hurt her feelings a little, but that moment needs to be about you, your wife and child. That is your immediate family now and they are your first priority.

My wife's dad and step mom are the sweetest people on the earth, but they make me crazy when they visit. If they offered to come stay with us when the baby was born I would politely decline. It would be more stress than help.

Best of luck talking to the families, it is uncomfortable but necessary.

Belovedvirgo0209 · February 2014

Thanks everyone as for Heather's mom that isn't much of a issue now.Heather stated she didn't want her mother traveling by herself and suggested that her younger brother come with her and I just simply pointed out that our house isn't big enough for so many house guest and I felt it was a bit much for just giving birth so we have agreed before I return to work we will make a trip to NY to visit her.As for my mother Heather said she would actually like her in there so we are still discussing that one. I have a real problem with control and I really want it to be just the two of us.I feel it is a very special moment and she knows me so well she knows what I need without having to ask for it and I am worried my mother will feel left out because all i will want is Heather.I just really want us to be the first people with Averie once she arrives.

2brides · February 2014

Tell her what you guys want. Get into the habit now, because this will be the first of countless things that you will have to make your wishes known about your family and your child. It is difficult to push back on family, but you and DP are now the parents and get to make the calls for things that are important to you.

Want a personalized experience?

how to tell them they arent really welcomed?

Re: how to tell them they arent really welcomed?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards