Resentment

Abs211981 · February 2014

I'm sure this scenario is all too common on this board (I don't do a ton of lurking). DH and I have been together for 8 years, married for 3. I'm 29 and he's 31. We discussed that we both wanted children before marriage and agreed that 2 years was how long we'd wait til TTC. Well obviously 2 years has come and gone.

I hated to push anything so I haven't. I would casually mention it over the years but never in a confrontational way.

We do supper club with 7 other couples who are best friends and over the past 6 months every.single.one of my girlfriends has become pregnant. I have always made it known to DH that I would love to be able to share that special time with a friend if possible, and now that literally all of my friends are pregnant together and I'm left out it's been rough to say the least. All they talk about at get togethers are their OB appts and what the nursery will look like, etc. I do have other friends who aren't pregnant but I'm nowhere near as close to them.

Every time I bring things up with DH he just says "a year or two". Very vague. I've asked him if he does indeed want kids and he says he does. He coaches little league baseball so I know he at least likes kids.

My biggest thing right now is resentment. I've built up so much resentment towards DH that it's beginning to affect our marriage. Last night I mentioned I was thinking about getting an IUD so we didn't have to use condoms anymore and he mentioned that there wouldn't be any point if we were planning on TTC within a year. I know I should have been overjoyed but the bitterness and resentment has completely taken over and I didn't even care when he said it.

I know I'm not the only one feeling this way. I guess I'm not looking for advice but rather just wanting to vent. Normally I would talk to a girlfriend but they're all pregnant

Resentment is such an awful thing. It's doing nothing but harming our marriage, but I can't seem to shake it. All my friends started TTC after pressure from their husbands and to think that our journey TTC and actually getting a BPF will be overshadowed by resentment just flat out sucks.

dogperson11 · February 2014

I think you need to sit down and have a real conversation with your husband. Set goals you'd like to accomplish and have those goals be a guide to a timeline. Sounds like the resentment is building up because of a lack of communication. You can't expect him to know how you're feeling about this if you don't tell him. It not fair to him for you to be upset that he's not ready, especially if he doesn't know how ready you are. Talking about a 5 year birth control option but actually wanting to TTC is confusing...

ETA: words

normandyn7 · February 2014

You need to tell your husband how you feel. Tell him that you need him to give you a timeline of when he wants to start TTC and let him know that he has to stick with it. It's not fair that he said 2 years and now obviously is dancing around wanting to start but not actually doing it. But he needs to be honest with you and you with him. And I agree with the PP where she said talking about getting a 5 year birth control when you actually want to try and get pregnant can be confusing. Just be straight up with your husband and let him know that you would really like to start TTC and ask him where he stands. If he tries to be vague tell him that you need a definite answer. If he doesn't give you a definite answer then maybe bring up the fact that you should go on birth control and see what he says. Being on the same page is important when talking about starting a family.

Abs211981 · February 2014

Agree on the need to have a serious conversation part. We did set a timeline of things we'd like to accomplish. We have a family trust so money isn't an issue but we did already take the trips we said we'd want to take.

I was on birth control for the first 2 years but came off after I started getting melasma. So I can't go back on that. I suggested the IUD bc my OB said that would be an okay option for protection even if I only wanted to keep it in for a year or two.

And even though I know our time will come it still sucks when every single one of our best friends is having babies and we're the only ones not. No way around it. Only time can heal these things because it's hard to handle right now...

ArgyleBride · February 2014

Try counselling! It is built for exactly this sort of thing--where resentment, disappointment and just problems in general are building up because of a communication block. If there's one thing counselling is really great at, it's opening up communication, especially when you both go. Even if it's just you, though, you can learn great strategies from a professional with your personal situation in mind.

JonandJennifer · February 2014

Your marriage was based on things that you both agreed on. Ditto the big conversation. Speak to a counselor if you need to if he shrugs it off. Raising a family was a big deal to me and my husband. I couldn't imagine being in your shoes, but I'm sure he has some anxiety that needs to be discussed. You both made promises to each other that you should fulfill, that's the whole purpose of getting married because you agree to what you want and want to share it with the person you love for the rest of your life. Praying that its an easy discussion. If you don't think you can ask him about it without getting upset, try speaking to someone about it first. Hugs sent your way!

Mysterious_wife · February 2014

Am I the only one who thinks she doesn't need to talk to her H? It sounds like she is beating him to death with baby talk. Pressuring him and mentioning a baby over and over is only pushing him to wait. Give it a few months. Sometime around April and bring it up again. Having the talk because everyone is pg, isn't going to help your case here. It makes you sound like Veruca Salt.

nolanova85 · February 2014

Like everyone else has already said, you have to sit your H down and actually talk to him about how you're feeling. From what you wrote, it doesn't sound like you have really communicated your feelings to him, other than little comments here & there. Talking to him calmly & maturely about how you're feeling does not make you a nag. You'll feel so much better once you do.

DH and I had this convo a few months before we started TTC. We kept saying we were going to wait due to the possibility of upcoming transfers for his job. It seemed like our timeline was getting pushed back year after year. I didn't resent him yet, but feared that I would if we waited & waited and then for some reason, due to our age, it wouldn't happen. The best thing I ever did was tell him this. He got it, and yours likely will too. But they're not mind readers.

ETA: I do agree with @mysterious_wife that you shouldn't base the talk on the fact that all your friends are pregnant. Focus solely on you & him.

MrsRustyGriswold · February 2014

Mysterious_wife said:

Am I the only one who thinks she doesn't need to talk to her H? It sounds like she is beating him to death with baby talk. Pressuring him and mentioning a baby over and over is only pushing him to wait. Give it a few months. Sometime around April and bring it up again. Having the talk because everyone is pg, isn't going to help your case here. It makes you sound like Veruca Salt.

I'm in this camp. "All the cool kids are doing it" is not a good reason to TTC. And beating him over the head with it may just push him over the edge. Setting a date to discuss it and leaving the topic alone during that time sounds like a prudent plan to me.

Ducktale · February 2014

The piece about wanting to get pregnant so you don't feel left out seems very childish. But I agree that at this point, he should stop being vague. What specifically is holding him back? If its affecting your marriage, a counselor is a good option. Having a baby will not fix a marriage that is already in trouble, so make that your priority.

Abs211981 · February 2014

I realize that sometimes women can nag and that can push a guy away, but within just the past 6 months I've only brought this up twice. Yes, two times. I even have the dates written down.

The two times I brought it up

1) He wouldn't put his phone down and stop texting even when I asked him to have a serious talk with me about it.

2) He wouldn't even hit the pause button on playstation.

It's not that I don't say that it's a serious conversation that needs to be had, but it just doesn't click with him. We plan out all kinds of stuff and have very serious talks about things all the time...budgeting, how we spend our time, things we'd like to do, etc. So it's not like he won't have a serious convo about anything.

He'll just have a serious convo about everything BESIDES a baby. This wouldn't be a big deal but now that we've passed our agreed upon time of two years by over one year I'm starting to worry.

That coupled with the fact that all of my friends are pregnant makes it hard. I would never just up and decide that I wanted to be pregnant solely because all of them are and I would never use that as a reason for pushing DH to TTC. But to me personally it sucks that I see all of them going through it together when I would be right there with them had DH stuck to the timeline we agreed upon during our premarital counseling.

MrsRustyGriswold · February 2014

Maybe set a date for the conversation and literally make a restaurant reservation or something else that gives the date more "permanence" for lack of a better term.

JonandJennifer · February 2014

Abs211981 said:

I realize that sometimes women can nag and that can push a guy away, but within just the past 6 months I've only brought this up twice. Yes, two times. I even have the dates written down.

The two times I brought it up
1) He wouldn't put his phone down and stop texting even when I asked him to have a serious talk with me about it.
2) He wouldn't even hit the pause button on playstation.

It's not that I don't say that it's a serious conversation that needs to be had, but it just doesn't click with him. We plan out all kinds of stuff and have very serious talks about things all the time...budgeting, how we spend our time, things we'd like to do, etc. So it's not like he won't have a serious convo about anything.

He'll just have a serious convo about everything BESIDES a baby. This wouldn't be a big deal but now that we've passed our agreed upon time of two years by over one year I'm starting to worry.

That coupled with the fact that all of my friends are pregnant makes it hard. I would never just up and decide that I wanted to be pregnant solely because all of them are and I would never use that as a reason for pushing DH to TTC. But to me personally it sucks that I see all of them going through it together when I would be right there with them had DH stuck to the timeline we agreed upon during our premarital counseling.

Yeah so my approach would be pretty aggressive with the lack of response. If I tried to speak to him and he did one of those two things again I would walk over to him if he was using the phone, politely ask to see it, and sit down in front of him and tell him I needed his undivided attention. If he did the same with the damn PlayStation I would walk front of the TV and break his attention from the game to you. Then talk to him. I have very very little patience for spouses that cling to their devices. When you have a device that takes control over your relationship you have an issue. Its tough for us, but at some point we have to put our phones, tablets, laptops and have a life.

It sounds like if he is avoiding it because he is scared, then he needs to talk to someone about it as he made a promise to you before you were married. You are ready to follow through on that commitment and he is not, which isn't fair to you when you keep caving to his wants. Especially when you surpassed your datelines. It would be different if you were cutting it short.

Counseling would be a good thing. He may be worried about losing that "you and him" life. He may not want to share you with another human being. Guys can be so jealous. You just have to remind him how incredible it is to make a precious little mini version of yourselves. And let him know its OK to be scared. Tell him your insecurities so he doesn't feel so alienated. Good luck!! Keep us posted!

mm529 · February 2014

Maybe I misunderstood your explanation of when you tried to discuss this with your DH, but it sounded like he was busy doing something else at the time. I'm not saying its ok for him to ignore you because he is about to beat his playstation game, but it can be really hard to spark a serious conversation when one person is distracted. I can also imagine a guy not plugging in if the topic was brought up when they were in the middle of something they do for fun/relaxation and he felt frustrated at the interruption. I mean, just because you were ready then doesn't mean he was in the right place mentally. I would suggest talking to him when you both are focused on each other (maybe dinner time?) Or schedule a time so he wont have a phone or controller in his hand. Hope it works out for you!

Want a personalized experience?

Resentment

Re: Resentment

Choose Another Board

Search Boards