I just need to vent. Thanks, ladies (and lurking dudes)

cuterusaurus · February 2014

Being a working mom is quite literally sucking the life out of me. I've always prided myself on being really good at everything. But, I finally think I have too much on my plate. I only went back part-time because I didn't want to be away from my son for that long.

We had always planned on me staying home until the youngest was 5 - knowing that with our first, I may have to work until we get our business running. Well, since our first is likely our youngest (I'm losing faith about any other opportunities, maybe I'm just in a dark and twisty place right now), I want to stay home NOW. Working part time was something that sounded like it could be a good alternative. I'd still be making money (and a lot, to boot... I know I'm lucky there), and we are able to pay my Mom to watch baby. So, he gets good time with grandparents, I'm still making money, and I'm still at home. Win win, right?

WRONG. I am home long enough to nap with my VERYattached 6 month old, who is now going through separation anxiety, made worse by the fact that I just went back to work. I mean, he screams even I put him down so long to wash my hands. And screams if I change his diaper. And screams if I change his clothes. I don't know what's wrong. This is all new. I know he's frustrated because he's at an age where he knows he should be able to do things (like move a foot forward to reach that ever-so-enticing-toy), but he just isn't phsyically there yet. I know he's also upset because I leave or drop him off at my parents' house.

Work is a mess. I came back part time, but they haven't taken ONE assignment away from me. And I did a stellar job of preparing for my leave, but all of my stuff just got left by the wayside for my return. Then, bosspants yelled at me during a 1:1 last week insinuating that I'm doing nothing because one of my projects isn't getting done. I told her I'm trying, I can barely keep up with email. I also need to leave after 4.5 hours of work every day because I'm no longer being paid full time. Her response was "well, we're all putting in more hours, aren't we?" I've NEVER had a problem with doing that, but I'm simply not being paid for it. If I'm going to work 30-40 hours a week I better well be paid for it. If I was making my full time salary, NBD, but I'm NOT. Well this morning at a team meeting, they gave me another project!!! I disappeared to the bathroom for about ten minutes after the meeting to cry it out. I'm so afraid I'm going to have to quit nursing because they want so much from me. I don't know if I'll have the time to pump. And nursing is the one thing that has been so right... I hate to lose that.

I never get the house cleaned anymore. I can only do it if I'm wearing him, and he is HEAVY. And he won't sleep if things are going on. He's too excited about the world to sleep. So I have to make it very boring for him to get one or two naps in anymore. I can barely make dinner. Guys, I accidentally burned his leg on the crockpot while wearing him. I showed my pediatrician the red mark while I was bawling. She calmed me down and promised me that's not the worst thing I'll do parenting... ACK. I guess the jist is that it was a very minor thing, and it was an accident, but ugh.

Next, I love my husband a whole lot. But, I think I've finally hit the spot where sleep deprivation is a problem. I need help cleaning the house and making food. I can't do it all anymore now that I'm working again. I made one comment to him on Saturday about how much time he spends on his phone, and how we both need to change that and be more "present" in our real life... and he did this thing he does: He gets pouty and silent when he's upset. Guys... I LOST it. I freaking flipped my shtuff. I yelllllllled at him. I told him that he had to grow the blank up and start learning how to talk through things instead of clamming up because I want baby to know how to open up and talk when things bother him. This made him close up even more. I lost it so much, I pumped a bottle and a half of milk, and left the house right before bedtime. It's all I could pump...I am too busy to eat well, and when I don't eat well, I don't make enough milk. I somehow can't get it through his head that I need to eat, and I need HELP doing it, or baby is not going to get enough. But I had to get away Saturday. I got in the car and drove myself to a movie theater. I bought a ticket to the shortest movie (the lego one) and let myself sit down to enjoy it. I sat in the back so I wouldn't get shot if I had to check my phone. :-P Well, I did check my phone about 45 minutes into the movie. He sent me a message saying "I fail as a father. He's inconsolable and I'm out of milk". I felt so bad. I drove home as quick as I could, which was about 40 minutes AFTER the message was sent. Baby was screaming when I got home. DH was trying everything to console him, it just wasn't working. He handed baby to me, and baby immediately stopped crying. I can't believe I left the house at bedtime. What was I thinking? MOTY.

I don't know what the point of me telling you all this is... I guess just looking to commisserate? I just feel like I'm failing at everything, being a good employee, being a good wife, good daughter, good housekeeper, good mom. I'm used to being A+ and I'm not even averaging a C. I've also been very mean and detached lately. I don't come here or FB nearly as often because I feel so detached. I did log on to FB this morning to see that an old friend is pregnant with #4. Cue losing it AGAIN today. And, my BFF who has 3 kids and would like to surrogate for me, told me this past week that she is working on #4 but she was afraid to tell me. I got my meds upped about two weeks ago, and I think maybe it's a bad thing. I'm wondering if I need a different type, or if I need less. At least with less, I was sad about the hysterectomy but I was surprisingly functional. And the more I think about it, the more I realize a pill is not going to help my situation, and I'll always feel sad about my situation. I don't see that changing. But I'd like to be loving instead of mean.

What didn't help my mood today? Baby had some mashed potatoes last night. They kept him up all night. So they kept me up ALL night. I'm not even joking. No exaggeration. I wish I was. I'm exhausted. Beyond exhausted.

I don't know how to gif from this computer... but know if you read this whole thing, I give you all the gifs. And pie. And yoga pants cause you're gonna need'm after all that pie.

cuterusaurus · February 2014

Holy crap that was long.

Pink724 · February 2014

I am so, so sorry. You have so much on your plate and you absolutely need help. Is it an option to hire a housekeeper? It could help to have one less thing to worry about. I wish I had more advice, but all I can offer are so many hugs.

>:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D<

chiboo9 · February 2014

KMRR86 · February 2014

I'm glad that you're venting here. It's good to get it out somewhere. I'm sorry for all of your emotions.... I feel like you need to have a harsh talk with your boss about your projects and maybe, if you financially can, step away from work? Sending you internet love and hugs! We're here for you!

sdtchica13 · February 2014

(((hugs))) a whole lot!

[Deleted User] · February 2014

Lots and lots of hugs being sent your way! >:D<

I'm so sorry things have been tough lately. You are an amazing mother and wife! I agree with having a serious talk with your boss. It doesn't sound like there are realistic expectations of what part-time really means.

[Deleted User] · February 2014

It sounds like your boss might be trying to push you out, is that possible?

I'm sorry you're feeling the way you are, it sounds rough and I wish I could give you a real hug because I think you need a real good one with an extra butt squeeze from @jackson290721

We're here for you! Vent to us whenever you feel like it, we'll understand

KTZ17 · February 2014

No advice, just hugs. If you have to yell at DH to get through to him, do it. My husband is the same way, he shuts down too and "doesn't want to talk about it." You're not failing as a mom. You're doing the best you can, and your LO loves you. Separation anxiety is hard for everyone, but you'll get through it. Hugs & good vibes to you.

[Deleted User] · February 2014

The user and all related content has been deleted.

PrimRoseMama · February 2014

Sending you huge hugs. Just big squishy warm hugs.

[Deleted User] · February 2014

Big hugs Ames!! >:D<

PrimRoseMama · February 2014

You guys, you aren't fail in at everything! It's just a rough spot for now. You have all my love! :x @zoom05 & @2012ames

MRads · February 2014

Dear, I have been there. On the yelling at my h, failing as an employee, a husband who feels like a failure, not being able to pump enough, leaving my kid at DC screaming for me to come back, I have been there. I have had moments of pulling back from people and things because my thoughts are dark and ugly and I don't want anybody to see me that way and I wasn't sure if I could keep it hidden.

I have no advice, but I am here of you want to grab a cup of coffee or go to a baby and me yoga some Saturday morning.

DenverBride2005 · February 2014

So sorry you are feeling frustrated! Hang in there--being a working mom is so hard! I agree with mainerocks, would it be worth it to just go full time since they are expecting you to do the work of a full time employee? At least you would be getting paid for it, and then maybe having a house cleaner come would also be in the cards? I'm like you--used to having the house perfect and being a type-A employee, etc, overachiever--I just learned to make more realistic goals for myself and forgive myself when things don't go as I had hoped. Stay strong, you will get through it!

blairwitch · February 2014

All the hugs!

You are only 1 person. You cant be everywhere and do all. Its just not possible...at least not without some crazy magic and super pills

If you still have my friends name, she is on my friends list on FB. She has been involved in the surro world for 7 years...and very open to having you contact her

jackson290721 · February 2014

Asbromle said:

It sounds like your boss might be trying to push you out, is that possible? I'm sorry you're feeling the way you are, it sounds rough and I wish I could give you a real hug because I think you need a real good one with an extra butt squeeze from @jackson290721 We're here for you! Vent to us whenever you feel like it, we'll understand

You are an awesome mom and deserve the best butt squeeze!

EmumLys · February 2014

you are not failing, trust me.. because you are doing the best you can.. lots lots of hugs

i think you should talk to your boss, and if situation doesnt get easy for you, then its time to decide whether you go back full time or quit the job.. there is nothing wrong with being a house wife as long as you are giving the best to your baby and your family.. no shame or guilt in that.

karen0477 · February 2014

You get all the hugs....working, mommy, housekeeper, chef plus everything else you've been through is just too much. It's so hard going back to work....perhaps you snd dh could make up a schedule for cooking and cleaning until everyone is adjusted? Maybe a housekeeper every couple if weeks? I'm sorry I don't have a lot of advice, but I'm hoping it will get better for you once you get into the groove of being back at work.....

heatherbrownm · February 2014

I'm so sorry ames

you are a great mom. What kind of carrier do you have? I know you said that he is heavy so it sucks to wear him, but It could just be the carrier. I have an ergo that I don't use that I would be more than happy to send you! Or if you are interested in wrapping, I could make you a wrap

.

Don't give up on nursing if you don't want to. You and your baby are more important than your boss' happiness, so fuck her if she keeps giving. You things to do. Tell her you need longer deadlines or less projects since you are only part time now.

If we lived closer, I would volunteer to be your surrogate. You deserve things to work out for you.

Hugs. Big, huge, extra creepy, internet hugs.

atlvol · February 2014

Hugs and more hugs to you. I'm sorry you are going through all of this right now.

giraffeluvspi · February 2014

HUGE hugs! I have the same screaming baby when it comes to diaper changes and changing clothes. It is just that phase, I understand it is demanding and sucky.

It is impossible to give A+ effort in all areas of your life. It is time to prioritize. Talk to your boss, talk to your DH, and get some stuff straightened out. You shouldn't have to do it all on your own. It is normal to feel this out of control from time to time, though. Being a Mom is NOT an easy job!

As for your medication, I would talk to your doc again. Completely numbing out the sadness isn't the answer. You'll have to work through that, perhaps with some counseling. It is a situation that as much as all of us would love to solve for you, there is no easy answer. It sounds like you're pushing it down and not dealing with it, which could end up being worse in the end.

Last, your touch of humor at the end give me hope that your glass is still half full. Tomorrow is a new day, and this too shall pass. Give your LO some extra snuggles and remember we are all here for you!

ashie624 · February 2014

Big big hugs! >:D< You are not failing. You have gone througj so much. Being a mom is hard work! And working and beimg a mom is really hard. You are an awesome mom. You can tell by those sweet smiles of your little boy. He loves you unconditionally. It will get better.

KikiCohen · February 2014

Huge hugs momma! You have so much on your plate right now, so let it all out!

grapeskittles4lyfe · February 2014

PP said it all already.

Huge, huge hugs.

emikat · February 2014

Girl, I didn't make it through your whole post, but I feel you. I'm a working mom and it's sucking the life out of me. It's made worse by the fact that I work night shifts, and while I get a decent amount of time between work stretches, I'm pretty nonexistent the weeks that I do work. Perry misses me a ton and does the same thing with me when I do have him with screaming if I put him down for a diaper change, etc. It will get better. I hope. I just finished a 12 hour shift and should be sleeping, but household appointment make that impossible. I saw myself in the mirror this morning and nearly cried. It's taken it's toll. Hugs. I totally am there with you.

stephyfaith · February 2014

Just lots of hugs !!!

redrocksmama · February 2014

Lots of hugs from me too. We're here for you!

Lelo2006 · February 2014

I have tears in my eyes reading this. I can soooo relate to what you're going through, and I'm a sahm. Motherhood is so hard, and I've heard that this first year is nearly impossible with all the changes and transitions. You have so much on your plate right now.

You are an amazing mom. But you're also still a person! You need a break and you need help. Can your mom work longer hours to help you make dinner?

I'm so sorry... The separation anxiety stage is in full force in our house, too. I can't walk to the kitchen without him screaming! I was having extreme anxiety about it earlier today. We have some workers at our house today and I was talking to one of the women and she was like, "oh yeah, my son was like that. He wouldn't even let me put him in his crib. He was attached to me nonstop. Then I took him to school when he was 5 and he wouldn't give me a kiss because his friends were watching!" I was like ... Awwwwe

.

They literally aren't going to be babies forever. That keeps me going sometimes. I don't mean that in a sentimental way right now. I mean that they won't always scream when they're being changed. Naps won't always be the center of the universe. And eventually they will sleep after eating mashed potatoes. Things will change!

Karebear6978 · February 2014

Being a mom is the hardest thing in the world... add working/school and balancing house work and anything else and it seems soooo stressful... I go to school full time and was feeling so stressed trying to produce enough milk to feed and pump. I couldn't handle the stress load so one thing had to go, and it had to be pumping because quitting school was not an option.... lo had never had formula so for the first week or two it was stressful but once I got used to the idea it is no big deal. I nurse her when I'm home , and when others watch her she takes formula... I feel that was the best possible compromise and got rid of a ton of stress and freed up 2-3hrs of time.... u r a great mom it just takes time to compromise and find balance

mittensonkittens · February 2014

Lots of hugs. The first year is HARD. I know that for me, sleep is critical. When I am sleeping, I feel like I can handle life. When I'm not sleeping, I feel like everything is falling apart. Get some sleep before making a decision about quitting your job. Working full time might be better for you, quitting might be better, or telling your boss where to stick that extra work might be the best option. Here is some working mom advice I have learned (1) hire a cleaning lady, (2) relax your standards, (3) take as much off your plate as possible. It's not possible to do everything you did pre-baby. You'll pick up some of it again when your LO is older.

jemasa33 · February 2014

I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time. Your job is so challenging and unfortunately "the man" knows no mercy to child rearing or part time workers. I will tell you that working is not for everyone. I cannot bear staying home because it drives me nuts. I would make more money waitressing but I go to work every day because I like having my evenings at home with the family and Rob drives me insane when I'm home and he works. It was the obvious decision for our family, but it's different for everyone. You are the type of person who would do amazing as a sahm and be very happy.

It's important to sit down and punch the numbers. Money isn't everything and if you want to stay home, make it happen. Also don't feel bad for yelling at your dh. We all get to our wits ends sometimes. I have found that men function best when you tell them exactly what you want them to do. For example, I need you to start a load of laundry and give the baby a bath or will you please cook something tonight. I am really tired and just need a nap or time away in my bedroom to read. Good luck!!! I'll be thinking about you and hoping things get better!

jeng100 · February 2014

I am so sorry you are having a rough time. I don't think anyone could keep it together under all that pressure, you're only human. If there's any way you can hire a housekeeper, then that would be a big help I'm sure. I was having a hard time, and we hired someone to come just once every couple of months. Even that is a big help. Hugs!

EagleWife · February 2014

So sorry, @2012ames

the juggling is so hard. Our ladies have given you lots of good advice and hugs, but I'll add my hugs in here too. >:D<

The screaming at diaper change time and when you leave the room: we're getting it, too.

I keep a few toys at the changing station that she only gets to see then. I can usually distract her from screaming by playing peekaboo all surprising and loud like

and then give her the pink rubber ducky that she never sees otherwise. For some reason, it's amazing. If the duck doesn't distract enough we sing or talk baby talk. Sometimes it stops her from crying, sometimes it doesn't.

If I leave the room, she starts to freak out, so I pop my head back in the doorway and surprise her with a big loud "peekaboo" - she usually giggles her butt off. I do it a few more times with more time between the peekaboos and then run pee

or whatever else I need to do and just call to her if I hear her fussing. It doesn't always work, but sometimes it does. I feel like a crazy woman, but sometimes it feels good to act a little crazy when you are feeling crazy, KWIM?

8-}

But anyway, hugs, wine and pie... and yoga pants. Skinny butts are overrated.

lancomechica · February 2014

Hugs girl! I know this time is hard but it will pass. I do agree with @somerandomchick about finding ways to "outsource" things. Cleaning is #1. I need to be playing with V, giving attention to husband or doing school work or work work. Ain't nobody got time to dust. But the cleaners do.

I cannot relate on some of the other things you are going through and I am sorry.

Major hugs. All the hugs.

NewbieMomie · February 2014

Gosh I am so sorry you're going through this and feeling this way. Coue things:
1- you're not failing! You're a wonderful Mom, amazing I'm sure
2- vag punch to your boss and to your job. They have to understand that you are only one person! And you need to pump. Not want... Need.
3- husband will hopefully come around. Men like to feel needed and hopefully he will see the light.

Sending you a huge hug. Hang in there fellow mama.

coco2787 · February 2014

So sorry things are so tough right now. I hope you can find a way to get some help.

EagleWife · February 2014

Butternut87 said:

I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way. The best thing to do is realize it's what is causing the bad moods and being overwhelmed and thats usually the hardest part. I can't offer much in the way of advice but I assure you that you are not a bad mother and that you are not alone. I'm thinking this (around 6-7 months) is when the sleep deprivation starts getting to everyone and we are all reaching our relative breaking points. Its normal but I do hope it gets better for you.

@Butternut87 - I think you are so right about this. I have to wonder when it starts getting better.