My friend-drinking and wants to stay with us

Brigie029 · February 2014

To get to the key points here, my good friend from college flew in this evening for my baby shower this Sunday. Her and I talk all the time, daily, but I haven't seen her in 6 years; since our wedding. Anyway, she lives at home and has recently lost her job (random issue) and has told me her family feels that she has been an alcoholic for some time-3 years.

But, that she doesn't have a problem.

I picked her up from the airport tonight and her mom calls me to tell me that she had to detox last weekend and is glad I can't drink. Then, I see my friend. Her face is so puffy that it's almost unrecognizable and she has been drinking with people on the plane. Then, we get home and as we are driving I feel so badly because she has asked to stay longer to look for a job out here. And, she knows my husband and I have to work but she wouldn't be in the way. Then she can sense the silence and says just for a few days to get away.

We get to my home and I show her around and she asks for a drink before bed. A drink of wine or she said that she can use sleeping pills as well since she can't go to bed on her own. Clearly, she has a problem. And, I gave her water but heard her go downstairs and I'm assuming she's having a drink.

Now, I'm 30 and my friend is 31 so we are far past any age of constant drinking but I know alcoholism is a disease. I will have the occasional glass of wine at dinner or out with friends, but have never had a problem. In college, her and I would drink a lot but I assumed it was a phase. I'm concerned for a lot of reasons and now feel weird around her, and feel guilty. Also, I feel bad about bringing her to the shower because I think she may embarrass herself and she doesn't think she has a problem. I do love her, what do I do? Stressed out and feel helpless and guilty.

amdecker1016 · February 2014

Well for one, i would get rid of any alcohol i have in the house.
But other than that talk to her. She's your best friend, you may be the only one to really get through to her.
Tell her how worried you are about her, sometimes thats enough to help someone admit to what is going on.

mamamia866 · February 2014

If they have them around your area, you could go with her to an AA meeting. I would also make it a stipulation if she's going to stay with you. Sometimes hearing stories from other people in the same boat can help people realize when they have a problem. Unfortunately detox is only good in short term, she needs a long term goal/plan.

Brigie029 · February 2014

She lives out of state and was only supposed to be here the weekend

jfb29 · February 2014

Before she leaves, all you can do is express your worry and concern and let her know you are there to support her in any way you can. She is probably really down about the job which isn't helping the situation. Unfortunately there is little you can do until she admits herself there is a problem. Anything down prior to this admission would really be done in vain. I'm sorry you are dealing with this and hope your friend will soon realize her problem and accept help from those who care about her.

SmittyPants · February 2014

jfb29 said:
Before she leaves, all you can do is express your worry and concern and let her know you are there to support her in any way you can. She is probably really down about the job which isn't helping the situation. Unfortunately there is little you can do until she admits herself there is a problem. Anything down prior to this admission would really be done in vain. I'm sorry you are dealing with this and hope your friend will soon realize her problem and accept help from those who care about her.

All of this. Unfortunately, you cannot help someone who doesn't believe there is a problem.

Excitedmum35 · February 2014

What a shitty situation.
But, she is not your responsibility.
I would try to talk to her about it if u get the chance and if she admits there is an issue maybe find an alcoholic counselling phone line u can call so she can speak to someone who knows what to advise?
If you talk to her and she says there isn't a problem, then as pps said, there's not much u can do.

As for your shower- do u think she will be drunk there or are u serving alcohol?

Brigie029 · February 2014

I cannot sleep, I'm worried about her and I hate to admit this, but am slightly embarrassed and worried about her at the shower.

Its a brunch so there may be, but my friends here are responsible and don't have these issues; no one I know does.I can tell when I talk to her that she's off. I told my husband and he reacted by saying you could talk to her but she's always been like this. He has no idea that she wants to stay extra days and actually took it even further to ponder if she's doing drugs! And, said if she is he'd kick her out. I would highly doubt that but I am worried about everything. Her, the shower and I was so excited about her coming out here so feel both bad about being embarrassed and justified by my feelings of selfishness.

bingbongsmama · February 2014

Seems like she wants to get away from recovery. If she's around her mom, she'll be on her back about getting sober and she wants a place to crash while she drinks. If you let her stay you'll be an enabler and its not healthy for your marriage or new baby to have that dysfunction in your home. That seems harsh and I do sympathize with her disease, but you have to do whats best for your family #1 and quite frankly, running away isn't whats best for her either.

coreyeliz · February 2014

My husband and I went through something similar with his best friend from high school and college who is an alcoholic. It was really hard, but my husband ended up having a realty honest conversation with him and told him he wouldn't drink with him anymore. He also told him he has a problem and needs to seek help. I think it has changed the relationship some, but in reality the alcoholism had already done that.

I totally understand why you're worried about the shower, though I don't see a good way around it. If there's someone you trust, you could ask them to keep an eye on her.

As for staying with you , you need to set a firm end date. Alcoholism is a sad disease, and people do not behave their best when they're drunk. You're pregnant and have a lot going on. It's totally ok to say, I love you, but now is not a good time.

kmeyers0611 · February 2014

That is so hard

I am sorry you have to deal with this right now. There are a lot of support lines you can call about these issues. Have you thought about calling them and getting advice on how to approach your friend? Since those people re trained to handle these types of situations they would probably have rally good advice. You certainly don't want your friend to feel attacked or like you are siding with her mom. She needs to know you are coming from a place of love and support, but that can be hard for someone to accept when they don't think they have a problem. I agree with PP's that if you let her stay for a few days you need to set a hard date for when she is expected to leave. And you need to talk to your H first and respect his wishes if he says no. Good luck with this. It's such a tough spot

I hope this weekend goes well for you.

Brigie029 · February 2014

Thank you ladies. She has been a great friend to me- she's the person I could call at 2am to talk, sent me a birthday cake on my 30th for my friends and I and has flown out for my shower. I have friends with all sorts of interests so I am not needing a duplicate of me, just a healthy person to associate with and return the friendship favor. I was so shocked by the difference upon meeting her vs on the phone. I was so convinced she didn't have a problem that I even bought a bottle of wine to keep in the house in case we all had dinner and she would like a glass; my husband rarely drinks and I'm obviously not partaking. In past conversations with her, before becoming pregnant, I would tell her she was always welcome to stay. Now, when I picked her up, she wanted to take me up on this but things have obviously changed-I'm pregnant, our baby will be here in a few short months and my husband can tolerate her here for the weekend only. And, she didn't really ask...she just said her parents want to have her stay and find a job. Um, was anyone going to ask me. I don't like this situation at all. She said she wants to move back out here, which is great, but how do I tell her that she can't stay with us at all? Do I say something to her this morning before the weekend starts? I feel so uncomfortable around her and if she drinks, as I'm sure she will, I can already sense myself growing a mixture inside of empathy, sadness, love and anger. Im afraid that my already preggo hormones may ruin our friendship. Bottom line, I can feel myself giving her the cold shoulder and it's been less than 5 hours, she can't really stay past Tuesday when her flight leaves (unless my husband agrees to two more days-max, we have valentines and weekend plans anyhow) and I don't know what to do.

[Deleted User] · February 2014

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karacakes98 · February 2014

Be honest with her, but do so knowing that the potential outcome of the conversation can be less than appealing.

My dad was an alcoholic and a drug addict for many years. It wasn't an easy road and I still feel guilty sometimes about what he went through (no one should have memories of picking their dad up from a homeless shelter and the look in his eyes when he asks if it's okay for him to order the meal he wants instead of something cheaper). After many failed tries, he eventually cleaned up and spent the last year or so of his life happy and clear-headed. He died of a heart attack at 49.

All that to say, don't be discouraged if nothing changes after the first conversation, or the second, or the fifteenth. My dad wasn't ready to change for over 20 years. Tell her the truth and be encouraging. She might not want to hear it, but you never know when the day will come when she truly is ready to change, and you don't want to miss the opportunity to help her.

Brigie029 · February 2014

When should I do this?

karacakes98 · February 2014

I'd do it after the shower. I'd hate for her to take it badly and make a stink at your party to get back at you.

Brigie029 · February 2014

Thank you, I think that's a good idea and plus, we will have all of Monday together to hang out so it will be just us and we can talk.

kmeyers0611 · February 2014

karacakes98 said:

I'd do it after the shower. I'd hate for her to take it badly and make a stink at your party to get back at you.

This!

akb1125 · February 2014

Doesn't she have a ticket to fly back home? Or did she not book yet?

I would just flat out say no that she can't stay with you. You and your husband have too much going on and don't want a house guest at this point.

Brigie029 · February 2014

She does on Tuesday but she was saying she could change it. We went to breakfast and she ordered two drinks, I feel so embarrassed and also worried for her. Will talk to her when she leaves. Hopefully on Tuesday.

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