Putting things on hold to TTC? Anyone? (PGAL Opinions Welcomed)

PinkCamino · February 2014

I was having a conversation with some of the ladies from this community about this very thing and I was shocked that a few of us have voluntarily put our lives on hold (Careers and whatnot) to TTC.

I'm sort of at a crossroads right now. I'm likely (hopefully) coming off the bench by next week and basically the ball will be in my court again. It's almost a foreign idea really- I've been told to not TTC for so long that the idea of trying again terrifies me.

My issue is somewhat more complicated though. I'm currently working on a grad degree and once this current term is finished I'm slotted to start back up in May 2014. I will be in class from May -August 2014 and then doing a 600 hour internship from September 2014-June 2015. Once that's completed I'll graduate.

My issue is the bedrest. My MFM is bedresting me from cerclage placement until removal and so, I basically will be forced to be a hermit from 13 weeks on.

What happens with school? Do I request a leave of absence? Do I simply defer going back to school in May and hope that I get KU during the summer?

At the same time, I feel really silly putting school off knowing what I know now. What if I get KU and experience another loss and 6 months from now realize that I should have just continued with school?

So many considerations I guess.

So my question to you is this : are you/have you put things on hold to TTC? Please share your experiences with me.

Eliz77 · February 2014

I think I am in denial about how being pregnant could change how I do my job, and I need and love my job, but I think if I end up on bed rest, I might have to quit for a while.

Would you be able to take some courses on line, or do an independent study type of thing? I guess the hardest part would be when to do the internship. I think in the grander scheme, missing a semester or two can be made up later, right?

BethKate2 · February 2014

I haven't faced a situation like yours, but I don't think I'd put school on hold. My fear would be holding off on school and then still not being pregnant 6+ months from now. Then what do you do? You could probably request a leave of absence of some kind if you do get pregnant, but if you don't get KU this summer, at least you can still graduate on time as planned.

PinkCamino · February 2014

BethKate2 said:

I haven't faced a situation like yours, but I don't think I'd put school on hold. My fear would be holding off on school and then still not being pregnant 6+ months from now. Then what do you do? You could probably request a leave of absence of some kind if you do get pregnant, but if you don't get KU this summer, at least you can still graduate on time as planned.

This is exactly my fear. I would feel incredibly stupid if 6-12 months from now I'm still here kwim?

alleycat39 · February 2014

Pink- so sorry that you are at this crossroad. Unfortunately, I think many of us have been in a similar place. On my blog (or pathetic attempt at a blog), you can read about a similar crossroad I was in, regarding my graduate degree and internship/fieldwork placement.

I'd be happy to talk more about it with you and how I made my decision. Shoot me a PM and we can email, text, chat.

PinkCamino · February 2014

alysonjill said:

Pink- so sorry that you are at this crossroad. Unfortunately, I think many of us have been in a similar place. On my blog (or pathetic attempt at a blog), you can read about a similar crossroad I was in, regarding my graduate degree and internship/fieldwork placement.

I'd be happy to talk more about it with you and how I made my decision. Shoot me a PM and we can email, text, chat.

Thank you! I'm going to head over and read your post right now! xoxo

kboydbowman · February 2014

I feel your pain. I'm working on my doctorate in counseling psychology and am down to just my dissertation and my year long clinical internship. If things had gone as plan with the pregnancy I lost, I would have had a whole year at home with my baby just working on my dissertation, then headed to my internship in June/July 2015. I actually extended my timeline to graduation because of our TTC timeline (I was originally supposed to go on internship in June/July 2014; you apply in the fall prior to internship) because it took us longer to conceive that planned. Now even if I get knocked up during my first regular cycle I would likely only have about 6 months at home with the baby, and obviously if it takes longer or I M/C again that timeline gets screwed all to hell.

I have another year I can extend if needed before I potentially get "in trouble" (they really want us all done within 7 years; current timeline puts me at 6) but the uncertainty of it all is the biggest PITA in the world (okay, not really, first world problems, but still). The nature of our internships (40-60 hour workweek, and could be halfway across the country; operates on a match system like medical doctor internships) means that TTC will almost certainly be on hold while I'm on internship. I am 35 years old and the clock is ticking on my ability to conceive. Aargh. Anyway, no great advice, just I feel your pain.

alleycat39 · February 2014

PinkCamino said:

alysonjill said:

Pink- so sorry that you are at this crossroad. Unfortunately, I think many of us have been in a similar place. On my blog (or pathetic attempt at a blog), you can read about a similar crossroad I was in, regarding my graduate degree and internship/fieldwork placement.

I'd be happy to talk more about it with you and how I made my decision. Shoot me a PM and we can email, text, chat.

Thank you! I'm going to head over and read your post right now! xoxo

I think it is in March of 2013. I only wrote partially about the dilemma but would be happy to share the experience from start to finish and where my thoughts are now!

masterofallcheese · February 2014

When do you have to make the decision about going in May? Maybe see how things are going through April if that is an option? Or is there a trusted person in your program with whom you can discuss your concerns now? Or even a recent graduate of the program?

I have nothing nearly as big as you to decide, yet I find myself sometimes planning my life around a BFP that is not here either. For example, I decided not to schedule vacations or 5ks because I may be ku during a certain time. I am afraid thise dates will come and I missed the event and don't have a BFP either.

Good luck to you hon. It will be a hard decision and I hope you find peace with whatever action you take

PinkCamino · February 2014

mlal78 said:

I have not put things on hold, but I have a question for you.

Could you, or have you talked to someone at the school about the possibilty, and if they accomodate you still being able to do the course work from home? Almost like a distance ed or online course?

It might be worth knowing your options before deciding.

I have not. I'm waiting on the application for my thesis and didn't want them to judge my application based on the fact I may ask for a LOA right off the bat. Not sure what to do about that really. I hate to admit that I'm scared they'll deny me if they know what's to come ya know?

I'm hoping to get an answer back in the next couple of weeks. Once everything is secured and I'm placed I guess I'll ask.

rmpar29 · February 2014

I have not put things on hold to TTC, but I have put TTC on hold for other things. When my DH and I first got married our plans were to TTC right away, however then DH got laid off and I didn't feel that we were in a good place financially to TTC. Now, I wish I hadn't waited, but it was a good choice for us at the time.

I don't really have any advice for you. I hope that you and DH can come to an agreement as to how you would like to proceed. It does sound like getting your schooling finished first might be a good idea, but having to bench yourself is certainly a hard thing to do. ((HUGS)) PC!

LydsieMarie7 · February 2014

I understand your concern about 'what if I'm not KU in 6+ months' because the first few months after our loss, I did that. I stopped working out, stayed home a lot, put little effort into life and here I am, almost exactly a year after our loss and I'm still not KU. After a while I just decided to live my life and cross the bridge of 'what to do when I'm KU' when I'm actually KU. It's really helped the time go faster and I don't feel as sad since I'm not missing out on my life. I'd say not to worry about the future and just focus on what's happening now.

good luck making the decision!!

ToriGirl2014 · February 2014

@PinkCamino - these decisions are so tough. My decision to TTC happened to coincide with a change in feelings about my current job. I really put the job hunt on the back burner because I assumed I would get KU quickly. Well - no such luck. We will have been trying for two years this summer, and I am still at the aforementioned job.

I eventually made the decision to keep looking anyway. I figured that if I was lucky enough to get a better offer and at the same time find out I am KU -- well, I'd cry more tears of joy than tears of sorrow, and probably just turn down the job offer. And if I got another job and I wasn't KU, then I would be moving ahead with my life.

The reason that I wanted to leave my job has since dissipated and I am no longer looking to leave, but I wanted you to know for about a year there, I had the same fears as you.

Not sure that this helps you, but it's a mindset that allowed me to feel like I had some freedom and independence, and that my life had meaning beyond my quest to be a mom. Before making the choice to TTC while still pursuing other career options, I had started to feel like every decision I made revolved around TTC. To me, that was suffocating.

RedTwizzlers · February 2014

Hey hun,

As you know, I have a pretty complicated career path and DH and I have discussed this a lot, and are doing so again now since we are considering moving to the US in about a year, but if, heaven forbid, we find out in a few months that we have to do IVF with PGD or something, that might change our plans.

Anyway, we have discussed this a few times and have ended up TTC every time. In the end, after we've discussed everything, our desire to have a baby outweighs everything else. I posted something similar before I did this rotation in the US, and people had a lot of good advice. We ended up going for it, and did end up pg while I was there. It was super complicated and obviously it didn't work out, but I'm still glad we went for it. Now we're moving forward with RPL testing and everything.

This isn't anything anyone else can answer for you, you really have to decide what you want to do. I really think that even if you do get pg at a bad time, your school will most likely try to accommodate that, whether it's a LOA, or classes from home, or something else.

If I were you, I would go for it and, if I got pg, do everything I can to make it work the best it can. For me, after 2.5 years of TTC and heartache, I am even considering putting my residency plans on hold because of this, and that would be a huge sacrifice. But I feel like if I don't do everything I can to have a baby, I will regret it later if we end up CFNBC in a few years. I want to feel like we did everything we could. Does that make sense?

I'm here if you want to talk more! I totally get where you are and how hard it is, I really really do. xoxo

PinkCamino · February 2014

Thanks for all you kind words ladies. Also, thanks for sharing your experiences. It really means a lot to me.

xoxoxoxo

LaRomana09 · February 2014

I put off TTC for 2 years because of my job situation (I had a 90 minute commute each way and I knew I didn't want to have to go back to that job after having a baby) but now, here I am, after almost 2 years TTC and still no baby in sight. So I guess my opinion now is that I wouldn't put off TTC, but I also wouldn't put other things on hold. I would do whatever you want to do, and also TTC, and just deal with whatever comes. I know your situation is different because of the bed rest, but I guess my way of looking at it now is that you'll find a way to make it work when the time comes.

RedTwizzlers · February 2014

LaRomana09 said:

I put off TTC for 2 years because of my job situation (I had a 90 minute commute each way and I knew I didn't want to have to go back to that job after having a baby) but now, here I am, after almost 2 years TTC and still no baby in sight. So I guess my opinion now is that I wouldn't put off TTC, but I also wouldn't put other things on hold. I would do whatever you want to do, and also TTC, and just deal with whatever comes. I know your situation is different because of the bed rest, but I guess my way of looking at it now is that you'll find a way to make it work when the time comes.

This is where I'm at, too.

socialwkrsweetie · February 2014

@PinkCamino we are on the same page... Although I am not currently in grad school (already finished) I did just get the highest level of licensure for my profession and now I'm in the spot that I am not sure if I should further my career and put off TTC until I have some time under my belt at a new job or stay where I'm at indefinitely. I've been having a really difficult time with this lately and DH has been supportive but said it was ultimately up to me. I had a new job back in December and the day before I was supposed to leave my current job I found out the new job's insurance didn't cover some parts of IVF that we would need covered. I have great health insurance at my current job and seniority so there's so much flexibility so we felt like financially it was the best decision to stay. My work was so happy but ever since I feel stagnant and resentful that I had to make this choice and give up a job. The "new" job offered to take me whenever I changed my mind and I'm so tempted but I just don't know. To complicate matters, my lupus is a fickle beast and although I am "stable" for the most part now that could change in a heart beat and then I would be back on the bench. After 17 months of TTC limbo at times I think it will never happen and if that happens, will I look back at this time in my life and regret the decisions I made for the possibility of a baby. My autoimmune issues are never going away so the threat of miscarriage is always going to be so high. It is such a tough decision and I am sorry you have to even take all of this into consideration. Honestly, I think I would continue with school. I don't know how old you are but I do know from personal experience that when I took a semester leave of absence during grad school it was hard to go back. If it weren't for all the student loans I had already taken out I may never have gone back. I am so thankful I did and that's its finally over but it was a long road so I know your struggle. Add in the fear of another BFP and all that goes along with it and I just want to stick my head in the ground. If you ever want to talk, please feel free to shoot me a PM! Good luck (((hugs)))

Unknown · February 2014

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PinkCamino · February 2014

Thank you everyone! I'm so grateful that you've all shared your experiences with me. I know that facing these types of decisions is fairly common here. We spend so much time discussing our charts and meds and procedures that we rarely discuss the toll that TTC takes on our real lives ya know?

Thanks again.

xoxo

KC1212 · February 2014

I've never put my life on hold to TTC. In fact, I was an undergrad when I got married and was trying to get pregnant. I would literally do an IUI and then go back to campus and continue with classes and school work.

But you have to understand, I was in the mindset of "it's probably not going to work anyway" (and it didn't).

And if it had worked? I wouldn't have quit school. I had class with a girl that held an outstanding GPA and was about to pop with her 5th child! And she did. She came back as soon as she was released, completed her final exam and probably out scored those of us that had zero kids.

With my first loss, I was in school online. I was obviously devastated and was honest with my professor about what was going on. She bent a few deadlines so I could grieve because up until that point my work was always completed on time and my grades were solid.

I think it can be done, is my point. But, ultimately it's your choice and whatever you choose I wish you the best of luck. (Hugs)

libby+nate · February 2014

PC this is such a hard question. Last night I was talking with DH about doing a year program to go from RN to BSN which I know is nowhere near as challenging, but I was originally going to apply for the fall. I was due in April and this would have been good timing to finish in between having a second child (I was so naive.) My job is really wanting me to go into management and I need my BSN. Without management it doesn't pay any different and as of now I have no student loans. I currently work three 12 hour shifts a week which would be wonderful for having children. If I go management route I would go Monday through Friday, but I would also make more money. I guess now I'm afraid if I apply for fall and end up getting KU soon, I will be working full time and going to school full time with an infant. I don't want to miss those previous first months. All of that being said, I know I could handle it if the time came so I am going to HR tomorrow to ask about tuition reimbursement and then contacting a University. Also, if we haven't conceived it will keep my mind busy and help the time pass. I wish you all of the best and I know somewhere in your heart of hearts lies the answer.

Drgn30 · February 2014

ktlovess said:

I know you are scared about how your decisions may affect your life further on, but I think you can work things out with your school, especially given your medical history. I wouldn't ask for a leave until you are in the position that you need it, KWIM? It's a tough decision, but you have put a lot into your education, and it would be heartbreaking if things didn't work out with school too. I hope you come to a decision that feels right for you. As others have said, MH and I believe that everything will work itself out. If I think too much about everything, I drive myself crazy.

I agree with this. Pink, you may also want to check out your school's policies regarding pregnancy accommodations, leaves of absence, etc. For that matter, maybe you want to do a quick search of the laws in your jurisdiction regarding pregnancy accommodations.

((Hugs))

E&B0811 · February 2014

To echo the other ladies, this sounds like a tough situation.

We avoided TTC for 4 years while I went to law school and studied for the bar exam. At the time, we thought with me working FT and going to school, having a baby wouldn't be practical/possible. Looking back, I realize that the school was very accommodating to women that had babies during the course of the program. Now, three losses in, I wish we hadn't made the decision we did. Who knows where we'd be now. Of course we cannot turn back the clock, but going forward we have agreed that, absent medical advice to the contrary, we will not TTA again - like Michelle Duggar style.

Like @LaRomana09 and @RedTwizzlers said, you will find a way to make it work when the time comes. Too, I think it's important to keep in mind that you are not asking for a LOA right now. You will be (FX!) asking for one at some point during the program. By that time you will have been accepted and established yourself as a rock star, and you can work with student services or whomever to make it all work.

Lots of (((hugs))) coming your way. Being a grown up is a total trick

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peggels24 · February 2014

I have never put life on hold to TTC but I certainly put TTC on hold for life. And to be honest, I regret it a little bit. I had fun, I got to a good point in my career, we bought a perfect house in the perfect neighborhood, but now I still don't have a baby and I'm scared that if I get pregnant again, something else could happen. And at 38, that scares the shit out of me. Knowing what I know now, I would keep TTC and go to school and figure it all out as it happens.

kboydbowman · February 2014

emily_sharp said:

I *TOTALLY* feel ya on this!!!

For a while, I tried to juggle it all, but then this month my husband and I ended up at a similar crossroads. I've finished my PhD coursework but I have to complete a 1500 hr internship (and dissertation) to finish my degree. Long story short, I've been considering putting off the internship for TTC (and so I can write my internship...?). My chances of landing an internship for this coming year are slim (about 10% chance of getting matched), and if I *DO* get matched we'll have to put off TTC until at least December of this year. It sucks. But part of me is hoping to not get matched because I really don't want to put off TTC much longer (and I haven't even been benched, like many here have).

Edited: clarity

Fellow psych student?

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HeyMrsPotter · February 2014

I haven't been in your exact shoes, so this is just my personal take FWIW.

I would not voluntarily put off TTC again for any reason. I waited so DH and I could enjoy travel and live the carefree life as newlyweds. I waited to establish a career. I waited so I could finish grad school. I waited when DH was unemployed during the recession. I waited while we recovered financially. Now I'm 38 and I wish I hadn't put it off.
You have to live your life. While TTC, I suggest not putting on hold the things you want to in anticipation of the possible challenges you'll encounter later if you do become KTFU. Sadly, there's no predicting our TTCAL futures. I'm not you, but if I was I would stay the course with school and believe that there is almost certainly some way to work it out if you do have the happy problem of needing to find a way to accommodate a pregnancy.

Good luck, love. These kinds of decisions are so hard.

edited for clarity and word choice.

bunnybun4 · February 2014

HeyMrsPotter said:

I haven't been in your exact shoes, so this is just my personal take FWIW.
I would not voluntarily put off TTC again for any reason. I waited so DH and I could enjoy travel and live the carefree life as newlyweds. I waited to establish a career. I waited so I could finish grad school. I waited when DH was unemployed during the recession. I waited while we recovered financially. Now I'm 38 and I wish I hadn't put it off.
You have to live your life. While TTC, I suggest not putting on hold the things you want to in anticipation of the possible challenges you'll encounter later if you do become KTFU. Sadly, there's no predicting our TTCAL futures. I'm not you, but if I was I would stay the course with school and believe that there is almost certainly some way to work it out if you do have the happy problem of needing to find a way to accommodate a pregnancy.
Good luck, love. These kinds of decisions are so hard.

edited for clarity and word choice.

this exactly...at this point it would take an act of congress to get me to stop ttcing but at the same time I am trying to not live my life around and focusing solely on possibility of being pregnant. I've wasted too much time doing that...now I just want to have the mantra that if I get pregnant the other stuff will work itself out.
edited for spelling!

katib77 · February 2014

In many ways I'm a "Live your life - you never know what will happen. Cross that bridge when you come to it" advice giver. Because for so long that first year or two I was the "but what if I get PG?" girl who didn't plan vacations and lived under the "what if cloud".

I tried my best to stop that but if I take a hard look at my life I still do that a bit. I have had a crap retail job that has nothing to do with my career for over four years now. At first I was like, well it's just for the holidays and I'll be KU soon so there is no need to look for another job. Then when we didn't get PG in the first five months I looked. For like a year straight. But the economy was/is so bad that any interviews I got I'd hear "You're one of over 400 applicants and only 25 that are being interviewed." but never got the jobs. Once we really got into treatment I was like "it's so much easier to plan appointments with this job." (And again I kept thinking I'd be PG soon). Next thing you know it's been over four years and I have not even bothered looking for a job for at least the last two years. I keep saying in my head "Once we get to CFNBC I'll look" or I'll get my forever baby and be a SAHM.

So yeah, deep down inside I know if I looked and found a job I could and would find a way to make the appointments work - but I've just accepted I'm putting that on hold until we resolve our TTC one way or another this year. I've always been a glass half empty for me, but half full for others so I continue to tell people "don't put your life on hold. TTC and go from there." yet I cannot follow my own advice. SMH

jenkellen · February 2014

I would go for it all.

This topic is something that guys don't think about. They go for everything and don't worry about "what if we get pregnant?" I need to remind myself of that a lot. I need to live in the now and keep pushing myself and deal with balancing children and work when the time comes.

Your situation is unique as you need to think about bed rest, but I truly believe if the situation happens, you aren't going to regret doing both.

MsAmandaPants · February 2014

:::sig warning::::

You already know my thoughts on this, love. I wouldn't wait and lots of PP have articulated exactly why. I would add that I put it off for numerous reasons for about a year, until I was 33, and after all our issues, diagnosis of early DOR, etc., I wish we hadn't. Sadly, the world of TTC just is not that predictable. You will find a way to make it work and, like someone else said, once it comes up, you will have established yourself in the program and the profs will be willing to work with you.

taytaliana · February 2014

I took almost a $10,000 pay cut to change jobs so that I would be less stressed and not be in dangerous situations if I did get pregnant. Since starting a family is my current goal in life, I don't regret making the career change. I think if I had already set out a career goal that involved more schooling and my ideal job, I might have stayed on track with that and not thought about TTC until that goal was achieved.

This is definitely a tough decision but I think you will know what is right for you when it comes down to it. ((((hugs))))

Kalidawn523 · February 2014

I agree with many PP. I applied to grad school and then found out I was pg. I was planning on deferring but then had my mc and now have decided just to go for it and if I get pg again I will figure out what to do then. No sense stressing myself out about it now when there are SO many ifs. Hope you can come to a decision that you are happy with!

NutMeg474 · February 2014

This is really such a good topic. I too am in a similar situation as I'm finishing my internship for my grad program now. When we first started TTC we were looking at hopefully having an EDD in the summer since I'm in education (so naive). Now that I have to wait a few cycles I am realizing how important it is for me to start a family.

I do think it is a good idea to check into your school's policy just to be prepared, but I would imagine most graduate programs understand the life changes that occur in a programs with students past their early 20s. I have decided that I'll continue TTC because I believe in the idea that we can have it all. It will be difficult to work through an internship and have a child or be KU, but I don't think you should have to put TTC or education on hold at this point. I have always been a control freak, but since my loss have realized that there is not much you can plan/control when TTC and have started telling myself that I shouldn't worry about something until it happens. So - long story short, my advice is to continue with school and TTC and if you become pregnant, deal with the school and internship then. This is what I'll be doing as I finish up my internship and try to find someone who'll hire, a hopefully KU, me.

kboydbowman · February 2014

emily_sharp said:

kboydbowman said:

Fellow psych student?

Yup!
:-B

I was originally supposed to apply for internship but I pushed off a year planning to be pregnant. Best laid plans, right?

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clauseka · February 2014

I did put my life on hold to TTC. I had transitioned to running my own consulting practice and business was ramping up. It all got to be too much along with my loss and almost 2 years of trying with no luck and no answers. I ended up stepping away from my business and getting a job that was very low stress. I do not regret my decision, though at the time it was incredibly hard and I felt like I was giving up.

Only you know what decision is right for you. Just dont get bogged down in the woulda, shoulda, coulda trap. Whatever you choose is best for you right now and that's the only thing you can ever know. I wish you all the best as you decide on your path.

alm288 · February 2014

Wow it's crazy how life can put you in such predicaments sometimes. We put off TTC, so I could finish my PhD an climb up the corporate ladder. I decided last summer not to apply for new jobs because we wanted to start a family. It hasn't worked out and the jobs are gone.
I don't regret at this point waiting to TTC. If I hadn't finished my PhD and started working, I would've regretted it. I wanted to travel and see the world. I would've regretted not doing that too. I do regret not applying for other jobs last year since I had a mc.
I say don't put your whole life on hold if you think you'd regret it later. I've had some serious illnesses and scares in my family the past few months - life it just too short and unpredictable.
It's such a personal/individual decision. Wish you the best of luck deciding!

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