- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
LGBT Parenting
GoaliesWife123
member
Family involvement/concerns in your decision to TTC
GoaliesWife123
member
Hello friends. I have to talk about this because if I don't get it out, I may burst from my anger. I apologize for the length of the post, but if any of you have had a similar experience, I would absolutely appreciate any advice that you may have.
When we decided, almost 2 years ago, that we wanted to try and start a family, we decided to keep it from our families. We didn't want the pressure or negativity that may come. Once we actually started to try, we realized that given my wife's profession (firefighter) and our lack of protection in our State, that telling limited family of our journey would be a a good idea. What if we were successful, but then something happened to my wife and no one in her family knew we were trying? Her family would instantly think the worst of me.
We started with telling my Mother, which went really well. She is absolutely over the moon. DW's Dad was also awesome. We then talked to DW's mother, whose response was absurd. She was cold and distant and frankly, she was rude about the fact that I was carrying and not DW. We told DW's sister and her response was okay, and then we moved on to my Dad. I was concerned with my Dad because he is so far up the Republican's a$$ and has made it clear he doesn't agree with gay marriage. His response was comical. He asked "why?", but it wasn't in a mean or judgy way. Overall, he said he was happy for us and it was our decision to make. He gave us both a hug and told us he loved us.
Sounds great right? So far, only DW's Mom is a total freak. Well, we then decided to tell DW's bible thumping brother. This is where the rage sets in for me. DW told her brother a few weeks ago, but they were interrupted and didn't really finish the conversation. Her brother came to our house last night to look at a juicer and we had no idea he had an ulterior motive. This is the same brother that had to have a lengthy conversation with my wife before we got married (add to that, two days before our wedding, the same kind of conversation with DW's mother and how she thinks we are going to hell.)
He started the conversation with asking the question "I guess I just need to know why you are choosing to have a child, instead of adopting a child." "Why would you bring a child into the world with no genetic ties to you (DW)" My wife was livid, but she kept her composure and asked him "Well, why did you decide to have two children with your wife?" His response: "Because I wanted a family. But, if we weren't able to get pregnant, we would not have sought out any other measures such as IVF."
At this point, I am enraged and the more I repeat the TWO HOUR conversation in my head, the more my blood boils. The conversation was centered around HIS beliefs and how this puts HIM in a tough spot because if his kids ask him if it is "okay" for two women to have a baby, he is torn on what to say. On one hand, if his kids see someone at school with two parents, he will gladly tell them that it is "wrong", but if his kids ask about us having a kid, he doesn't know what to say. He wanted us to give him props for not just telling his kids "no" because he "loves his sister."
Things said by him in this conversation (no, I'm not kidding):
* You physically can't make a baby, so God did not intend for you to have a baby. We immediately rebutted this with hypotheticals about straight couples with fertility issues.
* You need a penis and vagina to make a baby. You don't have both, so you should not have a baby.
* I would back you 100% if you were adopting. (This completely contradicted his issue with the fact that we were choosing to have a child with none of my wife's DNA)
* A child NEEDS a mother and a father. I believe the problem with the children in today's world is that they don't have a solid foundation with a Mother and a Father. (Again, rebutted by us. I reminded him of the mother and father that jointly killed their child in the same city where he lives. I also reminded him that my brothers and I were raised by the same Mother and Father (who are still married), yet I am the only one with an education and both brothers have multiple children from multiple women.) Also, apparently, a single Mother or Father is not good enough. You know, like the way our President was raised...
* I don't believe that anyone should take extra measures (such as IVF, donor eggs, donor sperm) if they are unable to get pregnant on their own. They should just adopt. (I couldn't even speak after this statement.)
The conversation was all about him and how this is difficult for him. Apparently, the fact that we are still unsuccessful and going through the emotional turmoil that is TTC, well, that is nothing compared to his internal struggle with the fact that he doesn't know if it is right for us to be together or not.
We are good enough to throw his kids a party. We are good enough to take them and spoil them for a weekend. We are good enough to attend all of their events. We are good enough to share holidays with them. He wouldn't allow his kids to come to our wedding ceremony, but allowed them at the reception. Oh, and at his Father's third wedding...that was okay. Apparently, though, the fact that we want our own family is just making his life more difficult.
I'm sick with anger right now and although I don't think we are pregnant this cycle, I do know that the stress is not healthy either way.
I let my DW know that if anyone else in her family wants to have a similar conversation, I will not entertain it. I will not be there. I will not justify my PERSONAL choice for wanting to have a family. She is just as angry and had a very difficult time keeping her anger and frustration under control while he was here. For two hours.
Have any of you experienced anything similar? If so, how do you deal with the anger and frustration that comes with it?
TTC our first. Married to, and madly in love with, my beautiful wife. Living with our fur baby and enjoying 19 nieces and nephews.
- DW and I have been tracking, preparing, getting medical testing since January 2013.
- First Cycle: Unmedicated ICI w/ Donor Sperm 08/02/13: BFN
- Second Cycle: Unmedicated ICI w/ Donor Sperm 09/11/13, 09/13/13, 09/15/13: BFN
- Third Cycle: Unmedicated ICI w/ Donor Sperm: 10/13/13, 10/15/13, 10/17/13, 10/21/13: BFN
- January 2014: Sonohysterogram shows excellent lining & tubes have no blockages
- Fourth Cycle: Monitored clomid cycle w/ ICI's at home: 1/24/14 and 1/25/14. Ovulation verified: BFN
- Fifth Cycle: 02/2014 Femara 5mg with ovidrel trigger CD14: BFN
- Taking a few months off to evaluate if we want to keep trying
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Family involvement/concerns in your decision to TTC
This is not specifically about TTC but about LGBT stuff in general, so pardon my little soapbox, but...
If you had asked me 15 years ago if queer marriage would be legal in my lifetime, I would have said no. Yet here we are, 15 years later and 1/3 of the states have it. That said, legislation doesn't change beliefs (although it can help), time does. As more and more of us come of the closet and lack the horns and tails the religious right would put on us, more and more people know queer people first hand, whether they are family, friends, co-workers, etc. And *that* is what changes beliefs - it's so much harder to hate people when you're hating them up close and personal rather than hating an abstract idea of what they are.
Your BIL may not change his mind now, or ever, but he will continue to find himself with more queer people in his life. And at some point that may reach critical mass where he can't deny the evidence that, queerness aside, these are good people. And maybe, just maybe, he'll start to doubt the religious perspective on queerness he's cultivated. And maybe not. But don't let *him* affect your journey. He'll either come around, or he won't. Not your problem. If he doesn't want to be supportive, limit your contact with him.
And that's my two cents.
First BFP on 1/4/22. Due date 9/13/22.
I am really sorry to hear that you are having to deal with this.
As for my own experience, my wife and I have been very lucky to have accepting and supportive families for the most part. My wife's family is awesome and they love and support us unconditionally. In some ways, I am closer and feel more comfortable with my in-laws then with my own family. My family is kind of a mixed bag, but mostly supportive. My mother is over the moon excited to become a YiaYia (Greek for grandmother). She is obsessively buying baby clothes and diapers and very much has "grandbaby fever" as I call it. One of my sisters is very excited about baby, but my other sister is kind of "ehhh" about the whole thing. I have no relationship with my father and his whole side of the family. He decided not to be a part of my life when he could not support my marriage and attend my wedding. It's a long story that I will not go into, but ultimately, it was his choice. I did happen to tell him over the phone at about 11 weeks that I was pregnant. He called to tell me my grandfather passed away. That was the only communication we have had in about 2 years. He had virtually no reaction to my being pregnant. He said "Oh...." and that was all, and I have not heard from him since. I know if I were to try to push a relationship that I would have conversations with him much like you and your wife had with your brother-in-law, but I am not at a point in my life where I am willing to invite that in any longer. I would rather not have a relationship, because ultimately I determined that a relationship with him is toxic for me.
At any rate, I cannot relate to the conversation that you detailed above, and I will be the first to admit that I am largely VERY fortunate to be surrounded by such a loving and accepting family. I can; however, relate to feeling disappointed and angered by family who cannot find it within themselves to be supportive and loving when it truly is so easy to do. I cannot rationalize it. The only advice that I can offer is you need to take care of yourself, your wife and the future family that you will build together. Emotionally, you cannot take on the burden of those who decide that they cannot be a supportive and accepting part of your life. That is WAY easier said than done, and it takes each person their own time to come to a place where they can disconnect from those relationships that are not healthy for them. Ultimately, only you and your wife can decide if and when it is write to take that step. However, in the meantime, just take solace in knowing that there are more people who love, respect, appreciate and support you than the alternative. Focus on the good and the support that you do have, and remember that you cannot change those who dissapoint and hurt us.
Again, I am sorry that you are going through this. It is not easy, and I wish you and your wife the best in finding the most comfortable and healthy relationship that you can with family going forward.
Me - 30, My wife - 31 , Together for 10 yrs - Married August 2012
5 medicated IUIs w/ RE (March - July 2013) = BFN
Fresh IVF Cycle in September 2013 resulted in 18 mature eggs, 16 fertilized, 12 made it to day 5. Transfer of 2 Grade A blastocysts on 9/15/13, and 10 embryos in the freezer! *****BFP on 9/25/13 - betas: @10dp5dt = 232; @12dp5dt = 465; @15dp5dt = 1,581 *********William George born June 4, 2014*********Married to M and proud mothers to Olivia and Elise (8/19/2014) and to our fur-babies: Capone (pitbull), Jax and Atticus (cats)