Family involvement/concerns in your decision to TTC

GoaliesWife123

Hello friends. I have to talk about this because if I don't get it out, I may burst from my anger. I apologize for the length of the post, but if any of you have had a similar experience, I would absolutely appreciate any advice that you may have. 

When we decided, almost 2 years ago, that we wanted to try and start a family, we decided to keep it from our families. We didn't want the pressure or negativity that may come. Once we actually started to try, we realized that given my wife's profession (firefighter) and our lack of protection in our State, that telling limited family of our journey would be a a good idea. What if we were successful, but then something happened to my wife and no one in her family knew we were trying? Her family would instantly think the worst of me. 

We started with telling my Mother, which went really well. She is absolutely over the moon. DW's Dad was also awesome. We then talked to DW's mother, whose response was absurd. She was cold and distant and frankly, she was rude about the fact that I was carrying and not DW. We told DW's sister and her response was okay, and then we moved on to my Dad. I was concerned with my Dad because he is so far up the Republican's a$$ and has made it clear he doesn't agree with gay marriage. His response was comical. He asked "why?", but it wasn't in a mean or judgy way. Overall, he said he was happy for us and it was our decision to make. He gave us both a hug and told us he loved us.

Sounds great right? So far, only DW's Mom is a total freak. Well, we then decided to tell DW's bible thumping brother. This is where the rage sets in for me. DW told her brother a few weeks ago, but they were interrupted and didn't really finish the conversation. Her brother came to our house last night to look at a juicer and we had no idea he had an ulterior motive. This is the same brother that had to have a lengthy conversation with my wife before we got married (add to that, two days before our wedding, the same kind of conversation with DW's mother and how she thinks we are going to hell.) 

He started the conversation with asking the question "I guess I just need to know why you are choosing to have a child, instead of adopting a child." "Why would you bring a child into the world with no genetic ties to you (DW)" My wife was livid, but she kept her composure and asked him "Well, why did you decide to have two children with your wife?" His response: "Because I wanted a family. But, if we weren't able to get pregnant, we would not have sought out any other measures such as IVF." 

At this point, I am enraged and the more I repeat the TWO HOUR conversation in my head, the more my blood boils. The conversation was centered around HIS beliefs and how this puts HIM in a tough spot because if his kids ask him if it is "okay" for two women to have a baby, he is torn on what to say. On one hand, if his kids see someone at school with two parents, he will gladly tell them that it is "wrong", but if his kids ask about us having a kid, he doesn't know what to say. He wanted us to give him props for not just telling his kids "no" because he "loves his sister."

Things said by him in this conversation (no, I'm not kidding):

* You physically can't make a baby, so God did not intend for you to have a baby. We immediately rebutted this with hypotheticals about straight couples with fertility issues. 

* You need a penis and vagina to make a baby. You don't have both, so you should not have a baby. 

* I would back you 100% if you were adopting. (This completely contradicted his issue with the fact that we were choosing to have a child with none of my wife's DNA)

* A child NEEDS a mother and a father. I believe the problem with the children in today's world is that they don't have a solid foundation with a Mother and a Father. (Again, rebutted by us. I reminded him of the mother and father that jointly killed their child in the same city where he lives. I also reminded him that my brothers and I were raised by the same Mother and Father (who are still married), yet I am the only one with an education and both brothers have multiple children from multiple women.) Also, apparently, a single Mother or Father is not good enough. You know, like the way our President was raised...

* I don't believe that anyone should take extra measures (such as IVF, donor eggs, donor sperm) if they are unable to get pregnant on their own. They should just adopt. (I couldn't even speak after this statement.)

The conversation was all about him and how this is difficult for him. Apparently, the fact that we are still unsuccessful and going through the emotional turmoil that is TTC, well, that is nothing compared to his internal struggle with the fact that he doesn't know if it is right for us to be together or not. 

We are good enough to throw his kids a party. We are good enough to take them and spoil them for a weekend. We are good enough to attend all of their events. We are good enough to share holidays with them. He wouldn't allow his kids to come to our wedding ceremony, but allowed them at the reception. Oh, and at his Father's third wedding...that was okay. Apparently, though, the fact that we want our own family is just making his life more difficult. 

 I'm sick with anger right now and although I don't think we are pregnant this cycle, I do know that the stress is not healthy either way.

I let my DW know that if anyone else in her family wants to have a similar conversation, I will not entertain it. I will not be there. I will not justify my PERSONAL choice for wanting to have a family. She is just as angry and had a very difficult time keeping her anger and frustration under control while he was here. For two hours. 

Have any of you experienced anything similar? If so, how do you deal with the anger and frustration that comes with it? 

kboydbowman

We told DW's family we were TTC, but we didn't tell my family we were TTC (we did tell them very early into the pregnancy though), not because of worry about opinions based on religion but because we thought they would haggle us about not being financially in a good place to have a child.

This is not specifically about TTC but about LGBT stuff in general, so pardon my little soapbox, but...

If you had asked me 15 years ago if queer marriage would be legal in my lifetime, I would have said no.  Yet here we are, 15 years later and 1/3 of the states have it.  That said, legislation doesn't change beliefs (although it can help), time does.  As more and more of us come of the closet and lack the horns and tails the religious right would put on us, more and more people know queer people first hand, whether they are family, friends, co-workers, etc.  And *that* is what changes beliefs - it's so much harder to hate people when you're hating them up close and personal rather than hating an abstract idea of what they are. 

Your BIL may not change his mind now, or ever, but he will continue to find himself with more queer people in his life.  And at some point that may reach critical mass where he can't deny the evidence that, queerness aside, these are good people.  And maybe, just maybe, he'll start to doubt the religious perspective on queerness he's cultivated.  And maybe not.  But don't let *him* affect your journey.  He'll either come around, or he won't.  Not your problem.  If he doesn't want to be supportive, limit your contact with him.

And that's my two cents.

GoaliesWife123

@themommymonster it sounds like you made the right decision at the time. I couldn't believe my wife was able to even keep her cool during the conversation. I am very lucky in the fact that should this get any worse, she is not at all opposed to cutting him off and putting that on him. We never judge him or comment on his life choices, so he has no right to do that to us. 

@KLeigh1 I completely understand about your fear of telling your grandparents. Obviously, every situation is different, but I will say that when I got engaged, my grandparents didn't know I was gay. I was terrified to tell them because they were strict catholics, but the response we received was overwhelmingly wonderful. My grandfather told us that we have the love that everyone wants, and now that we have it, hold on to it and don't let go. He was our biggest supporter. I hope that you are surprised by your grandparent's reactions, in a good way. If not, I am happy to hear that you are willing to put you and your family first by walking away. 

@kboydbowman You are absolutely right. I honestly don't care about his opinion of me, my life or my choices. I know that this world is changing and unfortunately, he is going to have a very rude awakening when he chooses not to change with it. 

KH826

I am really sorry to hear that you are having to deal with this.

As for my own experience, my wife and I have been very lucky to have accepting and supportive families for the most part. My wife's family is awesome and they love and support us unconditionally. In some ways, I am closer and feel more comfortable with my in-laws then with my own family. My family is kind of a mixed bag, but mostly supportive. My mother is over the moon excited to become a YiaYia (Greek for grandmother). She is obsessively buying baby clothes and diapers and very much has "grandbaby fever" as I call it. One of my sisters is very excited about baby, but my other sister is kind of "ehhh" about the whole thing. I have no relationship with my father and his whole side of the family. He decided not to be a part of my life when he could not support my marriage and attend my wedding. It's a long story that I will not go into, but ultimately, it was his choice. I did happen to tell him over the phone at about 11 weeks that I was pregnant. He called to tell me my grandfather passed away. That was the only communication we have had in about 2 years. He had virtually no reaction to my being pregnant. He said "Oh...." and that was all, and I have not heard from him since. I know if I were to try to push a relationship that I would have conversations with him much like you and your wife had with your brother-in-law, but I am not at a point in my life where I am willing to invite that in any longer. I would rather not have a relationship, because ultimately I determined that a relationship with him is toxic for me.

At any rate, I cannot relate to the conversation that you detailed above, and I will be the first to admit that I am largely VERY fortunate to be surrounded by such a loving and accepting family. I can; however, relate to feeling disappointed and angered by family who cannot find it within themselves to be supportive and loving when it truly is so easy to do. I cannot rationalize it. The only advice that I can offer is you need to take care of yourself, your wife and the future family that you will build together. Emotionally, you cannot take on the burden of those who decide that they cannot be a supportive and accepting part of your life. That is WAY easier said than done, and it takes each person their own time to come to a place where they can disconnect from those relationships that are not healthy for them. Ultimately, only you and your wife can decide if and when it is write to take that step. However, in the meantime, just take solace in knowing that there are more people who love, respect, appreciate and support you than the alternative. Focus on the good and the support that you do have, and remember that you cannot change those who dissapoint and hurt us.

Again, I am sorry that you are going through this. It is not easy, and I wish you and your wife the best in finding the most comfortable and healthy relationship that you can with family going forward.

shelly2314

@goalieswife123...I can NOT imagine going through that at the time of TTC. When I came out to my family years ago, it was one of the worst experiences ever. We have since grown and learned, but it has left it's mark.

We decided to tell our families we were TTC bc it is that important to us that they be involved and I wanted them to be able to work through their issues (if they had any) before our LO came into the world. They were all supportive (although our MIL said that my DW should suck it up and let me go to a bar and get knocked up LOL). Th

I am so sorry that people can be selfish and heartless. I am thrilled for you both and I do not even know you! PPs are right, sometimes you have to momentarily cut things off so you can do what is best for YOUR family and time will tell if it will come around!

GoaliesWife123

@KH826 It is absolutely a toxic situation, and at this point, I am not willing to allow it in my life any more. I appreciate you taking time to talk about your situation with your Dad and other family members. I am so happy to hear you do have a good support system, despite some of the negative people you once had in your life. Thank you for your kind words! 

@shelly2314 I'm so sorry to hear you had a bad experience when you came out. I know how those experiences feel and no one should every have to experience that. Thank you for the sweet things you said! I appreciate it!

@stringy813 I think that your comment on how it will affect them socially is right on point. I believe that he and my MIL both worry so much about what other people think, that they have blinders on. My MIL is nothing short of a nutcase and I can only feel sorry for her. I spent many years hiding who I was and you can bet that there will be absolutely no way I would show that kind of behavior to my child. Also, I think you hit the nail on the head when you said "ignorance and fear". I'm so thankful that I have this as an outlet. I can't describe how much better I feel. My wife and I have an amazing level of communication and we have talked, but she is on duty for the next 24 hours, so this has helped tremendously! Thank you!

trisholio

First I want to say that it is completely understandable for you to be furious.  I have had similar conversation with "friends" but not my family.  Most of my family was pretty accepting of us getting married and now are over the moon about us having a baby.  But I can't say it has always been smooth sailing with DW family.  There are many issues on that side of the family besides them not approving of DW being gay, so that makes thing more complicated.  But my advice to you is to do your best to not bash your BIL, because at the end of the day that is your wife's brother.  But do express your opinions in a constructive way and let it be her choice to distance yourselves from him.  I wouldn't choose to completely cut him out of your life if you have a close bond to his children, but I would definitely set up boundaries and keep him at a distance.  

Maybe go throw some snow balls and get so rage out :-)

redrockmama

I'm really sorry. I don't have much to add to what others have said. My family is all very supportive, even my very Mormon grandma. DW's family is from a small, conservative, rural town. They are very strict Mormons and are not so happy about our family plans. None of her family attended our wedding. Her younger siblings are older now 19 and 20 and are over the moon that they are going to have another niece/nephew.

Her older brother on the other hand has had a really hard time since she came out. He wouldn't let her see his kids for a while and refused to explain our relationship to them. They still have no idea who I am 5 1/2 years later or why I am always at family functions. Since then he has come around and apologizes constantly about the way he treated her. Recently after we were able to get legally married she was talking to him about being relieved about immediately having legal rights to her own child. He had absolutely no idea that she would be considered a legal stranger to our baby with the current laws here. It was eye opening for him. It sounds like your wife's brother is a ways away from that, but I hope that he gets there. 

Boundaries are really important and so are outlining expectations. I wasn't allowed to "go home" with my wife when we started dating. She said she wasn't going to visit them unless I could. Six months later they said they missed her and wanted to see her and I was allowed to come to their house. My wife told her family a couple of years ago that we were going to have kids so that they could prepare. Her mom cried about it. She's told them that if they don't treat our babies (especially the one I carry) like they treat the other kids, she won't have a relationship with them. You and your wife have to decide what is acceptable to you and tell family members. My stepmom always told us we couldn't be mad at them for not doing what we didn't say we needed them to. 

Again, I am sorry. I feel fortunate to come from a very loving and accepting family. It breaks my heart to see how hard it is for my wife. I hope it gets better for you both.

GoaliesWife123

@trisholio, thank you for the advice. One of the things I love about my relationship with my wife is that I can express, albeit in a constructive way, exactly how I feel and she loves me the same. The same goes for her and my family. Thankfully!

@redrockmomma wow. I couldn't imagine going through what you went through, but you two are so strong and I'm so happy to hear that things are better. You are right that my BIL is not in the position yet to accept things, but that's okay. If he is never okay with it, so be it. If he decides he wants to be an active part of our lives, rather than a judgmental you-know-what, that would be fine, too. We aren't super close to his kids, but we have a relationship. It would be disappointing to cut ties knowing they might be affected, but at this point, they are so sheltered that I'm not sure that they would even notice. Good for you and your wife for standing your ground!