not PAIF:tell me it's ok to be mad at DH

Peanutz21 · February 2014

DH decided to take a trip to visit his brother in California this past week. Keep in mind he JUST saw his brother and nieces about a month ago when they were here at our house for the holidays. I'm slightly irritated he feels the need to see them again so shortly but that's another "mad at DH" post

I live in NJ and a huge snow storm decided to show up. I woke up to snow (10 am here 7 am there) and took a pic to send to him saying it's a good thing I didn't have to work today (would have to dig myself out, drive through treacherous weather in the mountainy area, etc). I ask him where the shovel is, he tells me to use the snow blower. I've never used one so I ask for instructions. I don't hear from him for almost 2 hours so then I FaceTime him via iPhone to ask instructions and he's not even paying attention to me!! Then he tells me that the snowblower probably doesn't have any gas. I get off the phone with him because at this point I'm irritated he doesn't care about me in my pregnant state in the potentially dangerous snow (when I have my SIL telling me I better not try to shovel or snowplow as I might hurt myself). We got about 7 inches total.

I don't hear from DH for 6 hours. In the interim I've tried to shovel and dig my car out to go get gas for the stupid snowblower that I can't get to function. And he wonders why I'm so mad???!! I feel like he didn't care about my well-being at all! He didn't call me all day to ask how I was.... I'm feeling so neglected. Is this just the hormones or would you be mad too?

tryingyetagain · February 2014

I don't think it's just hormones, and I would be mad too. Ugh, they are so clueless sometimes, God love 'em. If I were you, I would tell him exactly what is bothering you and why. I used to internalize stuff a lot more, waiting for DH to figure it out on his own. I gave up on that a while back and just spell it out for him now! He likes that, and it seems to help him not be so clueless which makes me happier (although it's still irritating that he can't always figure it out in his own). Sorry you are stuck there dealing with the snow while he is on vaca!!

BBColt78 · February 2014

If you were going to talk to him more about it, I'd leave out the first paragraph you told us. It probably doesn't matter that he just saw his brother. If you mention that, it's almost like asking him to take sides. That's my opinion though.

Yes, I would for sure be irritated with the delayed calls and him not getting back to you. Other than those things, there isn't too much he can do for you from afar. I totally agree that a little support and sympathy would be great. I'd feel pissed too, no doubt!

BlueEyedDreamer · February 2014

I would definitely be irritated! But keep in mind that the hormones make everything feel much worse than in really is!

Maybe he just assumed you were safe at home since you told him you didn't have to dig yourself out to go to work. Again, I'd still be irritated, because he should have checked in. But I agree with BBColt - it's probably smart to leave the whole part about him taking off to see his family out of it. Just focus on letting him know how you feel and what you expect from him so that things are clear.

I hope that you are staying safe and that you guys are able to work things out!!

Allison7 · February 2014

I would be mad too. Yesterday my DH was good about doing the shoveling and not having me help, but last week he yelled at me to help because I was the one who needed to go out. I don't need to be babied or anything, but having a little understanding that I am not my "normal" self would be helpful.

To be honest, I would also be mad with the trip (not that I would bring it up if you have further discussion about the snow blower). I totally get where DH will have to take business trips throughout my pregnancy, but I would not be so okay with taking a personal trip that is a week long and leaves you alone in potentially bad weather. Maybe if he hadn't seem them in a year...but like you said, it has only been a month.

I hope your driveway is now safe and that you don't get any more bad weather while he is gone!!

krdesi · February 2014

I would definitely be mad too! It's one thing to go away, but when he knows the weather has been bad, he should at least be concerned about your welfare!

xtina78 · February 2014

I would be mad too. I would be mad he took a non-necessary week long trip late into my pregnancy. Then having to dig myself out would make me more mad esp with him not helping via phone. I'm guessing the later in pregnancy you are the more vulnerable and less up to vigorous activity you feel.

auntjessy · February 2014

Honestly, it doesn't matter whether we would be upset or not (and yes, I would!) - your feelings don't have to be the same as everyone else's for them to be valid. You're feeling hurt, neglected, and uncared for when you feel vulnerable and alone.

- If he's the type of guy who will take that into account, hormones or not, pregnant or not, whether he understands or not, then being able to tell him that might make you feel better. It probably wasn't his intention, and he probably didn't realize it was bothering you so much.

- If he's not, and it'll just start an argument, proceed with caution. I also agree with not bringing up the family thing, though. That really didn't have anything to do with it.

Hugs and prayers your way - hope you can move past it soon.

brittneyandadam · February 2014

Ohhh, I'd be pretty pissed too. I got so mad at DH this week too and I'm chalking it up to hormones and a crappy situation. I'm glad to hear you're safe and doing well though

HeatherHam10 · February 2014

I would be livid and would feel neglected too. You should tell your dh how he hurt your feelings (if you havent already) and no I dont think its just hormones. That was insensitive!

Peanutz21 · February 2014

thanks for the responses ladies!

i'm not as angry anymore - i just feel abandoned and neglected now

DH was supposed to fly back last night but all east coast bound flights were cancelled due to yet another snow storm!

had another 4 inches of heavier snow with ICE today to manage but I did ok.

i told him i felt abandoned and to not leave me anymore especially in this condition!!!

JennyS86 · February 2014

I don't blame you for being irritated about needing some help with the snow blower! Maybe a little bit was the extra hormones (I know I am feeling them!), but you still have the right to be irritated. Like the previous posters said, I think your best course is bringing up the lack of communication, rather than the whole trip in general - you know you don't want to make this about "his family".

I think I would have hired someone to help rather than shovel 7in from my driveway! Last year I would not complain - this year is another story - you have a fetus to take care of all this time!

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