3 year old at funeral?

spring_time · February 2014

We just found out DH's uncle passed away. They are going to have the visitation and funeral in a couple of days. The funeral events are about 1.5 hours away and I know my IL will want to see the kids. However, I am not so sure about taking DS to the funeral or visitation. He goes to church frequently, so I am not worried about behavior, just the questions. We have talked about death, but he currently understands that people die when they are old and not feeling well anymore. The uncle is not old, and his death was a violent one. Would you take him, or just tell the IL they are going to have to see the kids another time? They see the kids frequently, but the extended family does not.

Andrewsgal · February 2014

I would not take either kid. Get a sitter and plan another time for the inlaws to see your kids.

MomIn2013 · February 2014

I wouldn't take the kids either.

Andrewsgal · February 2014

FWIW the only funeral I see my kids going to even at their ages is someone they are close to. My parents, my inlaws, my sister.

spring_time · February 2014

Andrewsgal said:

FWIW the only funeral I see my kids going to even at their ages is someone they are close to. My parents, my inlaws, my sister.

This was my line of thinking as well. I guess I should have added that the complication is that my parents are out of town, my sisters are both working, and all the IL will obviously be at the funeral. We still do not have a babysitter (not my choice).

I think I might just take them to the other town and we can play at IL house while the events are going on. They can visit afterward. I would prefer to just stay at home, but I know IL will want to see them and show them off. It is just the way they are.

ASullivan1231 · February 2014

No, I don't think it's age appropriate. I've had this come up when I know family wants to see DS but you have to do what's best for him.

spring_time · February 2014

nowababy said:

My grandmother recently passed away and we took both girls (2.5 and 3 months at the time) to the funeral services, but not to the burial. Sounds like your situation is pretty different, and I'm not sure exactly what you mean by violent, but here is my experience.

There was no open casket. We told DD1 the day before that mama's grandma had passed away and that she was no longer here so we were going to a funeral. She usually asks a lot of questions, but oddly didn't ask much. We told her people will be sad and that it's important for her to be well behaved and be quiet but she can hug people if she wants to help them feel better. She did really really well. During the service, she had to go to the bathroom and DH took her. We made sure to be in the aisle seat. Then DH had to change DD2s diaper (perfect time to poop apparently). Then both girls fell asleep during the service. I had to nurse DD2 at some point. I think some family may have taken one or both the girls into the hallway at one point, but honestly it's a blur. They didn't disrupt anything. In fact, there were some audio-visual snafus that were more distracting. I was happy they were there and everyone else seemed happy they were there too. They were the only kids though. And we're a very tight-knit family and everyone was asking me where the girls were at the burial (I didn't take them because it was snowy and freezing). And my grandma was old and there wasn't much to explain except people go away when it's their time and that was enough for her. It didn't seem to phase DD1 at all.

Thank you for telling me your experience. DH's grandmother passed away when DS was 2.5 and we also took him. It was fine and it was the right thing to do. Like your DD, he was on his best behavior, we sat by an aisle, and were not a distraction. He wasn't upset by it at all.

However, at almost 4, he is now full of questions. We are not close to this uncle, I think they have only met once or twice. I think if we were close to him, like we are to my aunts and uncles, it would be a different story.

raraavis28 · February 2014

I'm sorry for your loss.

I would probably also be less inclined to bring a 3-year old....funerals aren't time for social visits anyway, esp. when dealing w/ sudden losses.

JCM · February 2014

I would not take them. I feel this is not the time or place to "show off the grandkids". I understand your IL's may want to see them but I still wouldn't take them to a funeral for someone they weren't close to. In the past 3 years I've had my dad & 2 aunts whom I was very close with pass away. The only one that DD went to me with was my dad's. That was because DD was only 2, DH had surgery the day my father died so he was unable to look after her, my dad lived 5 hours away & I had my mom went with me to look after DD (mom & dad divorce 30 years ago). I'm an only child so it was up to me to arrange everything. During the funeral service my mom kept DD entertained outside of the funeral home. She did was so young she didn't have a clues what was going on. My dad had a military funeral at a national cemetery so there is no "graveside" service. There is a small service at the cemetery at a pavilion. DD only met my dad once a few months before he passed away. If just strongly feel that no good can come of such young children attending a funeral of someone that they are not super close to. Even then I would have to really consider if I want to expose them to the actual act of viewings, all the sadness & other emotions going on around. I can see many mixed emotions going on at the funeral you are describing since you said it was a violent death. I'm just not ready for DD to be in that type of situation so young.

notkateanymore · February 2014

NO

ArmyWife114 · February 2014

JCM said:

I would not take them. I feel this is not the time or place to "show off the grandkids". I understand your IL's may want to see them but I still wouldn't take them to a funeral for someone they weren't close to. In the past 3 years I've had my dad & 2 aunts whom I was very close with pass away. The only one that DD went to me with was my dad's. That was because DD was only 2, DH had surgery the day my father died so he was unable to look after her, my dad lived 5 hours away & I had my mom went with me to look after DD (mom & dad divorce 30 years ago). I'm an only child so it was up to me to arrange everything. During the funeral service my mom kept DD entertained outside of the funeral home. She did was so young she didn't have a clues what was going on. My dad had a military funeral at a national cemetery so there is no "graveside" service. There is a small service at the cemetery at a pavilion. DD only met my dad once a few months before he passed away. If just strongly feel that no good can come of such young children attending a funeral of someone that they are not super close to. Even then I would have to really consider if I want to expose them to the actual act of viewings, all the sadness & other emotions going on around. I can see many mixed emotions going on at the funeral you are describing since you said it was a violent death. I'm just not ready for DD to be in that type of situation so young.

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