Opening presents at shower

mrs.LLM · February 2014

Ok, so I know this must be done based on what I've read so far, but the idea of people watching me open presents for an hour gives me so much anxiety. I really didn't want a shower at all (but since people were persistent and offered, I conceded.)

DH says rules be damned, don't open them at all. If I do, he will be in another room, he said. It seems greedy to him. Most of my friends don't have kids, won't know proper ettiquite and won't care if I open their gift. DH's dad, uncle, brother too. It's just my 2 aunts who will want me to open their gifts. I really don't want all this attention on me for so long and I don't want to make people watch me open gifts.

Now here come the barrage of comments about me being an entitled brat, how showers are so people can see me open gifts, etc. but I'm really hoping there's a way I can get away with only opening the gifts from people who would care and expect me to while leaving the other gifts for a more private time. I really don't want to have a panic attack or seem ungrateful. It's not that I don't appreciate gifts or that the showers are being thrown for me, I just really can't deal with all the attention and torturing the majority of guests with this archaic ritual.

Also, my friends with kids that are coming had showers where they did not open gifts. I really think the only people who will expect this from me are my aunts and my stepmom, who is the one throwing the shower. No one else on the list will want to or expect me to open gifts in front of them like it's my 9th birthday.

Disneygeek77 · February 2014

OP, I'm sorry but that simply isn't a nice or polite thing to do. You aren't a mind reader and there is no way you can know who would want to see your reaction and who doesn't.

Even before going to events such as showers, I liked to watch someone's reaction when I give them a gift. For some, giving gifts is how they show love and seeing the reaction is how they feel love. My DD is 5 years old and I can tell she is the same way. Her face just lights up and beams when she gives someone a gift.

I understand that it can be awkward and uncomfortable being the center of attention with all eyes on you, but this is a case when you plaster a smile on your face and say " Thank You." Really, that is all you have to do. When it is over, give yourself a big pat on the back for facing your fears and making your honored guests feel comfortable.

Good luck.

Gigi8212 · February 2014

You need to suck it up and open the gifts. Seriously. It boggles my mind that this comes up so often.

I have dealt with social anxiety my entire life, so I know where you are coming from. However, spending a half hour opening gifts will not kill you. And if it is such a big deal that you are freaking out over it, decline the shower.

VOR · February 2014

Your DH needs to man up. He can actually sit with you and HELP you through it.

His idea that opening the gifts is greedy is kind of funny. It's the opposite- asking people to come to the shower and bring a gift, take time out of their busy lives, and then just collect it and stick it off in the corner and NOT open it is what comes across as greedy. "Hi- thanks for the gift but we can't be bothered with that "archaic" idea of opening your gift and showing our appreciation.".

And I agree- you can't know that no one else wants to see you open your gifts but your aunts and step mom. Others may not SAY it, but that doesn't mean they don't want to see it.

Look - I get it. It's really not all that fun. But you accepted the shower. Man up and be a gracious guest of honor (your DH too) and open your gifts.

Unknown · February 2014

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dufferoo · February 2014

Well, then just open presents from those people, but don't be surprised when people think it's a little gauche and talk about you behind your back. Honestly, nobody is totally comfortable opening presents in front of a crowd, but most of us just do it because it's the right thing to do. If you really have panic disorder, in my opinion, you should have just declined the shower.

mrs.LLM · February 2014

@Gigi8212 I didn't know I HAD to open presents in front of everyone until I started reading comments from all you Amy Vanderbilt's out there after the shower had been planned. It's in less than two weeks. I can't cancel. I accepted one be thrown for me thinking the point of one is to see the mom-to-be with baby bump. Something like that.

I've been to several showers and none had everyone sit down and watch someone open gifts. All of these were showers were my guests with kids. That's why I asked, since 95% of my guests will think it's weird or rude to open gifts with everyone watching. They will expect it to be a party to celebrate and hang out where gifts are not expected. (We are telling everyone that asks that we don't expect gifts. I have a feeling most won't bring gifts or will be embarrassed that their gifts are under $10 or $20.)

My mistake. I've read all the other posts about this and was looking for creative ideas to get around it. That was my own naïveté to think I wouldn't be berated by you girls by asking this.

Disneygeek77 · February 2014

Sweetie, I'm sorry, but that doesn't change anything. It is never nice or polite to not open a gift in front of someone. Birthdays, Christmas, showers or whatever. Throw etiquette aside, it just isn't a nice thing to do. Even if your friends didn't do it, that still doesn't make it ok.

There are no creative ways to get around it because it isn't polite and can hurt feelings. The only way I can think to get around it is to greet everyone as they enter the door. If someone brings a gift with them, open it right then and there and thank them for the gift ( and then send a thank you card later)

divinemsbee · February 2014

Yeah, I don't get this. If being the center of attention is debilitating then don't have a shower or other event where you are the center of attention. What else do people go to showers for (besides food)? You get to do a little socializing, but you don't really get to talk to the mom-to-be because she's trying to say hi to everyone, and I sure don't go for the games. I want to ooh and ahh over the tiny presents. If you want to cut down the time you're opening presents, you can maybe ask that the shower be more intimate/family and close friends (of course, that is up to your hosts, but if they ask for input, I'd say that). That way you're not up in front of a ton of people, and you get a number of presents that don't take forever to open. Also, create a system. One person (maybe your H would get in on this, because it would make it faster) hands you the present, you say who it's from, you open it, and then another person on the other side of you writes down who it's from and what it is and that way you have a list for thank you notes. That person also can put the card and present together. It works, and it makes things move. You don't have to do the present pass-around, but some people like it.

dufferoo · February 2014

No, you knew you'd be berated, because you mentioned in your original post the "barrage of comments" you expected to receive. Here's your only polite way around the big gift opening ceremony: open each gift in front of the giver as she arrives. Sound like a pain? Yup. But at least it's gracious.

cakergirl · February 2014

I had anxiety about opening presents for my wedding shower. It was a strange experience. I got over it. I opened the gifts. I will be honest, people are paying more attention to the gifts, the foods, their phones etc than they are you. Sad but true. Is incredibly awkward but having been there before its never as bad as you think it will be. In my opinion the options are either, don't have a shower and tell everyone "I don't want a shower or presents because my anxiety is too bad" or just open the presents. And let's be honest, if you really didn't think it wasn't a big deal, you wouldn't need to ask strangers for approval.

Gigi8212 · February 2014

Sorry if you feel like I berated you. I was being truthful. It is rude to be given a shower and decline to open gifts.

Being that your shower is only two weeks away, I agree you cannot cancel it. Therefore, I think you need to suck it up and open the gifts. None of your guests will think it is rude that you do so. That is the entire point of a shower.

If it were truly the norm for your friends to not open gifts at their own showers, then I don't understand why you would broach the question in the first place.

jbelle · February 2014

@mrs.LLM: I agree with the others that, as a guest, when I attend a shower, I expect to bring a wrapped gift and see it opened. If that's not the tradition amongst your guests, could you get away with not opening gifts? Maybe.

My mother adheres to the etiquette that family does not throw showers (bridal or baby)--not sisters, aunts, or cousins and certainly never grandmothers. However, I think you'll note that that's not something people get flamed for regularly on here. In fact, I think it's safe to say the etiquette on this has evolved.

I, personally, do not believe that the etiquette surrounding gift opening has similarly evolved (although a generation below me is certainly giving it their best shot!), but whatever you do, I would just encourage you to prioritize the comfort of the guests before your own.

In that vein, I offer the following gift opening advice: treat it like you would a thank you note; thank the person for the specific item ("thank you for the wipe warmer, Aunt Judy"), mention something you're going to do with the gift ("with our cold house, I know baby will appreciate this!"), something unrelated to the gift ("Aunt Judy was always the fun aunt, and now she can be the fun great aunt!"), and finally close with a thanks. If you can toss in a comment or compliment about the person (related or unrelated to the gift), you successfully deflect the attention to another person while at the same time looking gracious. Win-win.

And it's a good skill to have: whether you're joining an established book club or being interviewed by a group for a job, this is a chance to practice skills that don't come easily for you (or many of us) and to make others feel appreciated at the same time.

Best wishes! I hope you have a lovely time at your shower.

FemShep · February 2014

So if most people aren't bringing gifts (which I doubt), why on earth will it take you a whole hour to open presents?

Look, you need to open gifts at your shower. You know this. But it doesn't have to take an hour. Tell your DH to man up, start acting like a parent by modeling the gracious behavior you would want to see from your kids, and help you. Have him take care of much of the outside wrapping, then read the card, open the package, hold up the gift, ooh and ahh and offer heartfelt thanks, and move on. It's not that hard, it goes very quickly, and frankly it's the least you can do for people who were kind enough to celebrate with you.

And by all means, have food and drink set up in another location for people who don't care to watch the gift opening, but don't think that it's acceptable for you to not open gifts. You're about to be a parent, it's time for you and your DH to grow up.

Cranang · February 2014

Op, what is the point of this post? I honestly don't get what you're trying to figure out? What are you gonna do...ask each person "hey Mary, do you want me to open your gift now or can I just do it later?" Or may be you could put on the invitation that along with an RSVP they should tell the hostess whether they'd like their gift opened at the party.

::eye roll::

VOR · February 2014

While your friends may not open gifts, I doubt they'll think its "weird or rude" if you do.

MamaLlama14 · February 2014

I'll be honest- two weeks before my shower, I was still feeling so constantly sick that I had no idea how I was going to make it through my shower- especially if I were sitting up front with 50 people watching my every move as I felt the need to rush off to the bathroom. I broached the concept of not opening gifts with my mother, who promptly set me straight: unacceptable. If you need a break, go for it. Want to break up the gift opening and do 5-10 gifts at a time and then take breaks to chit-chat and play a game? Fine. Not opening? Not an option.

Then a week later, I went to two different showers. One was a cousin who DID open presents, but was so disengaged from it that I felt like my efforts to put together a very nice, elaborate and expensive basket of gifts for her was totally overlooked and unappreciated. The other was a friend who did the whole "wrap in clear" thing so she didn't have to open.

You know what? In both cases, I wanted the damn "Oh thank you so much MamaLlama! How thoughtful of you!". I felt like I didn't even need to be at either shower because the guests of honor didn't even acknowledge that I spent time and money to shower them.

Long story short- it made me realize that even if I was still puking my brains out, socially awkward or stressed- whatever- I needed to suck it up and open the gifts AND be gracious about it, putting my issues aside in order to not offend people. That was 3 years ago and I still remember how those two people made me feel with their lack of courtesy, by the way.

Peanutz21 · February 2014

why don't you open the gifts during dessert/cake time so the attention isn't entirely focused on you 100%

your post is strange. i don't like attention either but you can't help it. it's a shower FOR you.... you can't take the gifts and hide..... that's kind of rude

and if all you wanted was to show off your bump do it on FB or other social media/email...i'm pretty sure you'll enjoy receiving all those presents...

ktlucas · February 2014

mrs.LLM you could do a display shower. It was done for my baby & wedding shower and my SIL's showers. Guests don't wrap gifts, are they are in clear cellophane, and displayed on the table for all to see.

ktlucas · February 2014

Hello+Panda said:

mrs.LLM you could do a display shower. It was done for my baby & wedding shower and my SIL's showers. Guests don't wrap gifts, are they are in clear cellophane, and displayed on the table for all to see.
Oh honey... NO.

oh darling, yes

sabriel1 · February 2014

ktlucas said:

mrs.LLM you could do a display shower. It was done for my baby & wedding shower and my SIL's showers. Guests don't wrap gifts, are they are in clear cellophane, and displayed on the table for all to see.

No... just no

ktlucas · February 2014

Hello+Panda said:

Hello+Panda said:

mrs.LLM you could do a display shower. It was done for my baby & wedding shower and my SIL's showers. Guests don't wrap gifts, are they are in clear cellophane, and displayed on the table for all to see.
Oh honey... NO.

oh darling, yes
I suppose it is good so the peasants can drop off their gift. Why should a queen be bothered to do such lowly tasks like opening a gift?

Yea, I guess this is the middle ages still especially the way you react to a difference of your opinion. I could care less about what you bitches think is "proper etiquette". It's 2014 shit changes!

lalaith50 · February 2014

ktlucas said:

Hello+Panda said:

mrs.LLM you could do a display shower. It was done for my baby & wedding shower and my SIL's showers. Guests don't wrap gifts, are they are in clear cellophane, and displayed on the table for all to see.
Oh honey... NO.

oh darling, yes

NO.

Gigi8212 · February 2014

I wouldn't say shit changes so much as people just get ruder. Case in point- ktlucas.

ktlucas · February 2014

Thanks for the edification!

ktlucas · February 2014

It does not matter the reasons because no matter what is said it will be berated either way, and frankly darling I don't care about your opinions or negative comments.

Unknown · February 2014

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Sam Buttons · February 2014

ktlucas said:
mrs.LLM you could do a display shower. It was done for my baby & wedding shower and my SIL's showers. s and Guests don't wrap gifts, are they are in clear cellophane, and displayed on the table for all to see.

Please don't! I was invited to a shower like this and literally everyone talked smack about how rude it was and most people just wrapped the gift.

OP no one likes opening presents in front of people, but it's part of the package. Yes, it will give you anxiety, but it will be over before you know it.

Liz4444 · February 2014

ktlucas said:

Hello+Panda said:

Hello+Panda said:

mrs.LLM you could do a display shower. It was done for my baby & wedding shower and my SIL's showers. Guests don't wrap gifts, are they are in clear cellophane, and displayed on the table for all to see.
Oh honey... NO.

oh darling, yes
I suppose it is good so the peasants can drop off their gift. Why should a queen be bothered to do such lowly tasks like opening a gift?

Yea, I guess this is the middle ages still especially the way you react to a difference of your opinion. I could care less about what you bitches think is "proper etiquette". It's 2014 shit changes!

Times change, polite doesn't. That is incredibly impolite. OP, you realize that as the guest of honor, the party is about you and the focus will be on you, present opening or not, Open the gifts.

jencnh · February 2014

I do think you should open the gifts but a couple suggestions to perhaps make it less uncomfortable. If it's going to be at a place like a function room, sit at a table with your husband and maybe the moms. Leave room for friends to see the gifts but being at a table will make you feel less on display. I would also serve the cake during the gift opening. Another option could be opening gifts as guests arrive and give them to you. This will be more casual and you'll feel less on the spot. Hope these suggestions help.

MamaLlama14 · February 2014

ktlucas said:

Hello+Panda said:

Hello+Panda said:

mrs.LLM you could do a display shower. It was done for my baby & wedding shower and my SIL's showers. Guests don't wrap gifts, are they are in clear cellophane, and displayed on the table for all to see.
Oh honey... NO.

oh darling, yes
I suppose it is good so the peasants can drop off their gift. Why should a queen be bothered to do such lowly tasks like opening a gift?

Yea, I guess this is the middle ages still especially the way you react to a difference of your opinion. I could care less about what you bitches think is "proper etiquette". It's 2014 shit changes!

I bet you had a totally adorable poem asking people to "be a dear and wrap in clear" too, didn't you?

Relish1025 · February 2014

Who cares? Do what you want, and screw anyone who thinks less of you. If you're having a personal gathering, the people attending should know you well enough (with aforementioned exceptions) to understand your reasoning behind not opening their gift. The only reason people want their gifts to be seen opened is due to a sickly need to be the center of attention, no matter the engagement. It's like a younger sibling who demands receiving a present on their older sibling's birthday. If this were your wedding, people would be saying things like "Well it's your day, do what you want", but it seems like because it's a baby shower, everyone gets a sense of entitlement. As though they deserve to feel just as special as you, when you are the one expecting the child. If anyone really is that turned off by the idea, take a moment to first explain why you're refraining from opening everyone's gift at a mutual time. Then try to thank each gift giver personally before they leave; this way they understand that their gifts were appreciated, and it's not personal. If you'd want to score even more brown-noser points, try to mention the person's specific gift to them after the baby is born, and inform them that your baby loves their gift the most. To sum up what practically everyone has been saying in a blunter, less sugar-coated manner: Bullshit how you're feeling to make everyone else feel good.

Meery82 · February 2014

Hello+Panda said:

It does not matter the reasons because no matter what is said it will be berated either way, and frankly darling I don't care about your opinions or negative comments.
I thought my comment was rather funny, not negative. And I berated you how?

Oh, don't take it personally. She's the tacky queen and gets all worked up when it is pointed out.

Meery82 · February 2014

Relish1025 said:

Who cares? Do what you want, and screw anyone who thinks less of you. If you're having a personal gathering, the people attending should know you well enough (with aforementioned exceptions) to understand your reasoning behind not opening their gift. The only reason people want their gifts to be seen opened is due to a sickly need to be the center of attention, no matter the engagement. It's like a younger sibling who demands receiving a present on their older sibling's birthday. If this were your wedding, people would be saying things like "Well it's your day, do what you want", but it seems like because it's a baby shower, everyone gets a sense of entitlement. As though they deserve to feel just as special as you, when you are the one expecting the child. If anyone really is that turned off by the idea, take a moment to first explain why you're refraining from opening everyone's gift at a mutual time. Then try to thank each gift giver personally before they leave; this way they understand that their gifts were appreciated, and it's not personal. If you'd want to score even more brown-noser points, try to mention the person's specific gift to them after the baby is born, and inform them that your baby loves their gift the most. To sum up what practically everyone has been saying in a blunter, less sugar-coated manner: Bullshit how you're feeling to make everyone else feel good.

Everyone, please meet the tacky princess.

ktlucas · February 2014

Meery82 said:

Hello+Panda said:

It does not matter the reasons because no matter what is said it will be berated either way, and frankly darling I don't care about your opinions or negative comments.
I thought my comment was rather funny, not negative. And I berated you how?

Oh, don't take it personally. She's the tacky queen and gets all worked up when it is pointed out.

I did not say you berated me, if you read correctly I said no matter what my reasons were it would be berated no matter what I wrote. You can call me tacky, don't really care, you "ladies" are a miniscule part of my day. I don't see eye to eye with you because you're right I am so high & mighty. So I will sit on my throne and laugh at you.

MrsMac613 · February 2014

I think it would seem more greedy to not open the gifts. The purpose of a shower is to be showered with gifts. And opening them AT the shower. I would be really hurt if my gift wasn't opened at the shower. It seems more gift grabby if you don't open them.

VOR · February 2014

Sigh. Just love it when the "do what you want. Who cares what anyone else thinks?" is thrown down.

I wish people put some REAL thought into that. How would our world operate if we all subscribed to that concept? It would be a pretty crappy, selfish, untrustworthy world.

Thorn_07@hotmail.com · February 2014

I went to a baby shower recently, there were so many people, I couldn't even see or hear the mom to be open her presents and it took 2 hours. It was seriously such a drag. I just sat and talked to a friend the whole time. I would have much rather actually talked and visited with the expecting mom than not see anything. So I understand not opening gifts.

VOR · February 2014

Thorn_07@hotmail.com said:

I went to a baby shower recently, there were so many people, I couldn't even see or hear the mom to be open her presents and it took 2 hours. It was seriously such a drag. I just sat and talked to a friend the whole time. I would have much rather actually talked and visited with the expecting mom than not see anything. So I understand not opening gifts.

Well, there are a few flaws. This is specifically why I hate huge showers. I think showers should be smaller, more personal events. 1- so that the MTB can actually talk to everyone, and 2- the gift opening doesn't take forever.

And trust me- is the gift opening REALLY all the exciting for anyone? No, not really. But people like to see their gift opened and to see the MTB's reaction.

If all that people want to do is talk and socialize, easy, just have a party. Don't have a shower. Take the gift giving aspect out of it, then no gifts to open.

neverblushed · February 2014

I did not read the replies, but I know this is a divisive issue.

Yes. They will expect you to open the gifts. Yes. It's uncomfortable, especially if you're a more private, more introverted person. No, it will not seem like you are being rude or gift-grabby for opening your gifts at the shower. Your husband should find something to do for the 2 or 3 hours while you graciously open your gifts.

You can make this easier on yourself and on everyone else if you keep the gift opening casual. Maybe ask the hostess to play some music in the background or to keep the desserts and food flowing so that people can continue to nosh and chat while you open gifts on one side of the room.

While I think showers where the gift opening takes forever and the ONLY thing to do during that time is to gawk at the MTB in silence while she opens gifts are boring and awkward, I think showers where the gifts aren't opened at all are even MORE pointless and awkward.

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