Venting - probably just b/c I'm pregnant and inlaws are an easy target

SparkySharky · January 2014

My MIL comments or likes every single thing I post on Facebook. She shares the albums of our DS even though my DH and I have both asked her not to, which has resulted in my removing the pics altogether. She occasionally makes passive-aggressive comments, too, but sometimes - maybe - she's just trying to be funny. If it's on a pic, I usually wait a few months and then delete the mother-effing comment. I don't want her to poison my memories. Like the time that she said my DH's health problems (which started just after we got married) were b/c marrying me was so stressful for him. Which part, lady? The part where we paid $300 to go to Vegas or the part where no one in his entire effing family showed up in spite of the multiple months of advance notice?

I've been trying to figure out why there's such animosity b/t DILs and MILs generally. Some of it's justified and some of it's not - you know it's true. If it wasn't your MIL, you'd think she was just a sweet, little old lady with some quirks. Harmless. I really kind of think it's the forced "family" relationship. This person who is intimately a part of your DH's life now feels entitled to be an intimate part of yours, even though you don't know her from Adam, but she never adjusts for the fact that you're virtually strangers. She wants you to respect who she is and the role she's played in your DH's life and make every effort to preserve that role and make it her role in your life, too; but honestly - I take my cues from the DH. And they have different views of her role in his life. Yes, he loves her; but no, he doesn't want her holding his hand while we're doing it. He doesn't need me to be just like his mom or her bestfriend or hang out with her or hang on her every opinion, he just wants us to co-exist. Separately. But MIL wants to make sure we have her factored into every decision.

So it sucks, man. I actually want to include her in our life events and some of our day-to-day, but she's so busy pushing and pulling that it's hard to keep my eyes on where I'm objectively comfortable with the line being drawn. And sadly, when she's stepped back, I'm so relieved that I just let her hang back. And can I be honest? When we do get involved in each other's lives - i.e., during those times that we make big decisions in reliance on each other - she's always a disappointment. She's a nice woman, but I like her better from a distance. Up close, she's a burden, she's not rational, she makes horrible decisions, gives horrible advice, makes horrible decisions, and makes horrible decisions. I don't want to live our lives feeling handicapped by this woman b/c she's "too close." Ya know what I mean?

Disclaimer: it's late and I'm crabby and swollen. I may DD this post tomorrow b/c I'll be less crabby (although inevitably more swollen), but I would still love to blow off some steam w/ any sympathizers or those with a different perspective.

jodyen · January 2014

Tottally understand you but with my own mother in a way. And I get you MIL problems also I have some issues with her but nothing like with my own mom! My mom makes her look like Mary freaking Poppins! Plus your husband decided to be with you now and as with your children she should respect that you don't want albums or pics shared with others on facebook that is just rude and second she needs to lay off or step back he is a big boy now and able to make life decisions with you wither she agrees with them or not. Your life not hers.

cMichelle0423 · January 2014

I have a MIL from hell. So i can relate. It's hard to have to get along with these people for the sake of our husbands. I have no problem standing up to my MIL. There's nothing wrong with putting someone back in their place when they're trying to force themselves out of their boundaries.

ahare2009 · January 2014

I honestly didn't read all of your post, but I changed my settings on Facebook so that when I post anything my MIL & FIL can't see it. Maybe that is an option. Click custom and you can add specific people you don't want seeing your posts. I think you can do the same for photo albums.

JuneMrs · January 2014

My MIL is a pain in the a** as well. I deleted my facebook account just to maintain more privacy from her. I don't know what to tell you but that all you can do is keep as much from her as possible and keep your distance that works for me as much as it can. Sorry you're struggling :-(

shellbell3845 · January 2014

I would welcome my mil to be a little more involved/interested in my life. She's decided she's not really interested in liking me anymore after not really trying to get to know me at all. This is not the dil/mil relationship I pictured. She complains we've isolated her, but what she can't see is that she's distancing herself. I feel bad for DH, but I'm over it.

erind0213 · January 2014

My MIL still struggles. She went from being #1 in DH's life to now coming up on #4 between myself and the 2 kids. I think she is jealous cause DH and I have a good relationship, which is something her and DH's dad didn't have, and still don't really have even after being separated and remarried to each other.

We have been on a downward spiral since DH discussed proposing to me, and her stating no women is worth that kind of money when he mentioned what he wanted to spend (that was 6 years ago). Then with the wedding planning she wanted to invite everyone and anyone she had every met but not put up the money $$ or addresses really. Once we were pregnant with # 1, her first grandchild, she was not interested, never asked how I was, didn't purchase her own gift for my shower, went in with SIL and her sisters. Then wanted to be in the delivery room. Insists on taking DD, but has a reputation for doing the opposite of what I ask. Insisted we go on the a family vacation with her since we did one with my family, but wouldn't cooperate when it came to making plans, then didn't pay a dime/contribute. Now we are expecting #2 and she thought she could influence names since we were having a boy, and wanted a J name so baby and DH would have the same initials. Her family was insisting on Joseph since it was her dad's name, and baby is due around his bday but he passed long before DH was even born, and so DH has no connection to him, plus its the given name to his Unlce and Cousin, but they for some silly reason go by their middle name. I also had a grandpa who was joseph but didn't have a connection with him and DH and I felt awkward honoring somebody who didn't really influence us, when we each had another grandfather who was very involved and present in our lives. Now again she has not had an interest in my pregnancy, and most recently we fought about summer vacation this year, when she wanted me to travel 8-12 hours away by car just 6-8 weeks post delivery.

She is doing a great job of continuing to put a distance between us and I will admit it does often cause friction between DH and I, but no matter what I do its wrong or never enough, and she only sees things one way.

mcgeeva · January 2014

Eh vent away! Mine are misserable people that I could care less to have in my life. luckily they are lazy and useless and I don't have to see them much anymore. They have been horrible since they day I met them and DH knows once number #2 pops out do not expect them to stay with me. They can visit for a day that is it!

SparkySharky · January 2014

Blocking her isn't an option, b/c then I'd have to block DH's whole fam to make sure nothing got back to her. And I'd have to block all of DH's friends whom she has friended to make sure there was no overlap. And I'd probably have to block the smattering of my friends (including my bestfriend) and my immediate family who she friended to make sure there was no overlap. She's crossed boundaries so many times that what I post on FB isn't really worth the trouble that would result. What I have done, though, is asked my fam and friends to PM me so she can't see/comment on everything and make it her business. No more explaining to her the dumb and dumber jokes b/t my BF and I. She even joined my highschool reunion group...

Like you, mcgeeva, my MIL and FIL are both phenomenally lazy. We effectively have no access to her as a babysitter (for whichever of the plethora of reasons she has) even though she comes up at least once a week to babysit for my SIL. My SIL lives 15 miles away and my MIL lives another 45 miles on the other side of her (so SIL is b/t us). When she does come up to babysit for SIL (or just sit or buy whatever my SIL is selling even tho she's told us no a million times b/c she doesn't have the money for gas), it's too much for her to come see us, too. On top of that, she makes a big deal out of spending too much time away from my FIL (who has been ill for 25 years) when she does agree to babysit, but yet is currently living with my SIL for the 3 weeks that my BIL is out of town. And did we say, "Oh great! You can come and see DS!" Yes. And has she taken us up on it? No. What she does do, however, is sit on FB all day long and FB stalk me. The irony is nauseating to my sensitive, diarrhea-prone, 3rd trimester, chunky, achy a$$.

SparkySharky · January 2014

Please keep talking to me, all. I've got 5 more weeks before baby is due. :!!

ahare2009 · January 2014

She sounds horrid.

mcgeeva · January 2014

Wow..shoot we can't allow ours to babysit. She is an alcholic and can barely do the stairs. She doesn't respect any rules so that has never been an option. She has never changed a diaper or just gone and picked up ds. And DH is an only son so to me it's even more disgusting. No want to even see your only grandson. I don't have any wants or expectations of them.

MadBloom · January 2014

I have on and off issues with mine too. She's a lovely lady.... at a distance. Up close, she doesn't follow ANY instructions and just does her own thing. We've had her watch our dog a handful of times and she doesn't even follow our rules when it comes to feeding him (he had a bad stomach for the first year). He would always come home and would have the shits for a week because she'd feed him crap off her plate or buy him treats that we didn't supply and I'm afraid that's going to happen with the baby. She won't take me seriously when it comes to sweets and pop and juice etc and I'm going to come home to a kid that won't eat anymore because they've been stuffed with crap while at grandmas. (The neices and nephews are all addicted to pop and junk food and eat and drink it constantly at home and at her house).

Even planning the wedding it was a mess. I told her she could invite 100 PEOPLE, not 100 invitations of familes.She ended up requiring over 130 invitations after I only ordered 100 in total (50 for her side and 50 for mine) and I told her tough luck and yet she MADE her own invites and we ended up with over 200 people in attendance when our initial limit was 150 people. I told her that she had to pay for the food and beverage and rentals of tables/chairs etc of all HER extra guests. She had people like her brothers 4th wives KIDS who are adults and have never met any of us there. Just unreal.

She had backed off quite a bit since then because I told her right off about that whole wedding thing and things have cooled down but she just does not listen to anything I say when it comes to my preference about MY life and how we do things at our house.
Anyways, i could write a book about the woman. lol

just know that you're not alone. I like how you put it though, how it's really a "forced relationship" and I never thought of it like that before. Same with the SIL's. I would NEVER choose to be friends with these woman because we have nothing in common other then DH. Their parenting styles are just shocking to me sometimes! They are just a different breed of people sometimes lol

Venting - probably just b/c I'm pregnant and inlaws are an easy target

Re: Venting - probably just b/c I'm pregnant and inlaws are an easy target

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