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Unsolicited advice -- possibly turning into a rant

Luna CLuna C member
edited January 2014 in June 2014 Moms
Friend of mine just sent me an email out of the blue with a bunch of "here's what you need to know about parenting" advice. 

Now, I know she meant well -- it was def. coming from a good place. But the woman is the most neurotic helicopter mom ever. ("Personally, I'm a pretty relaxed mom" she said. She is not.)

All the advice fell into two camps:
  •  all the financial problems we're about to run into. (We're not. We are fortunate to be in a very good financial position now with money to burn if we need.)
  • all the relationship hurdles we're going to face (Most of which were pretty obviously issues she had with her weird controlling husband whom I have thought was weird since we were in high school.)
Not that I think parenting is going to be all unicorn farts and sunshine, but her life is not my life, and her problems are probably not going to be my problems. I will have my own sets of problems. 

I appreciate that she meant well, so I just thanked her and told her I would keep it all in mind. But in general, I am just getting really fucking sick of people needing to inform me how hard my life is going to get and how nothing will ever be the same. 

I did give this some thought before I got pregnant, you know? I'm 40 god damn years old -- it's not like we rushed into the decision. Trust me to have some the wisdom to understand that having a baby will cause some changes in my life. 

/rant
 
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Re: Unsolicited advice -- possibly turning into a rant

  • lest12lest12 member
    Yikes. It kind of sounds like she's trying to wrap her head around her own problems and needed someone to dump them on. Not that it would make it ok to drop an email bomb directing it at a friend and calling it advice.... Definitely not. I'm just saying, I would try not to take any of it personally. It's about her, not you.

     

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  • Ashes92813Ashes92813 member
    Oh I feel you. The unsolicited advice on pregnancy, parenting, sex, registeries is awful. And losing baby weight and mocking my name? Too far and not necessary. I'm grateful to be pregnant, have any gender baby and to learn a few parenting and labor facts on my own. As my my own mother says "there are assholes everywhere in life. Just be better."

    So, I'm curious, did you respond?
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  • EmbracingChangeEmbracingChange member
    Sometimes the people who think that they have all of the right answers are the ones who could most benefit from some training. You'll find your own way just like you've done with every other aspect of life. I'll bet she's proud as a peacock that she warned you. She sounds like an odd duck. 
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  • Luna CLuna C member
    That's my feeling too, hence my response.
    But it's not just her: I've had so many people tell us the stuff we'll "never do again" or that we "have no idea what we're in for".

    The less well i know them the mire likely they are to offer advice. I just want everyone to shut up.

    Grumble
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  • tbmadeamistaketbmadeamistake member
    Sounds like she wishes someone had told her all of that, so she could have dealt with her own issues better.  DH and I didn't run into marital issues until C was about 9 months, and then they were pretty easily resolved.  Her issues are not/will not be your issues.  I would also find this pretty annoying.  It's not like you were discussing being a new parent and she offered it up, it came out of the blue.  That's like my calling my sister to tell her all about how difficult buying a house is...even though she hasn't asked me about it yet (though she is starting to look).  Seems odd to me.

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  • betjso82betjso82 member
    I'm right there with you. If I hear one more person tell me how much my life will change, how ill ever sleep again, or how expensive kids are, I swear I'll lose my mind. Like you, I've definitely given thought to all of this, being in my 30s I've had lots of time to think it through.
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  • betjso82betjso82 member
    I'm right there with you. If I hear one more person tell me how much my life will change, how ill ever sleep again, or how expensive kids are, I swear I'll lose my mind. Like you, I've definitely given thought to all of this, being in my 30s I've had lots of time to think it through.
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  • LadyMacaronLadyMacaron member
    This is exactly how my SIL is, and during the holidays I finally just exploded. She kept saying things like, "just wait until it's you" or "I can't wait to see how you handle how difficult it is" in the most condescending voice. I finally just yelled at her to stop putting all her negative shit on to me, and maybe cheer me on instead of waiting to one-up me or teach me a lesson. Like in your case, her experiences are not mine, and won't be, because we are completely different people. Not to mention she is the most anal parent in the world and doesn't know what she's doing, and I have been a nanny to 4 children for the last 6 years...I wish people would just have a little self awareness and mind their own business. I have a feeling it's only going to get worse.
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  • Luna CLuna C member
    EmbracingChange said:

    Sometimes the people who think that they have all of the right answers are the ones who could most benefit from some training. You'll find your own way just like you've done with every other aspect of life. I'll bet she's proud as a peacock that she warned you. She sounds like an odd duck. 

    You nailed it. She's a good person, but she has always been a knowitall. No matter the topic, she's the worlds foremost expert in it.

    I just do the equivalent of smile and nod. It's easiest.
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  • EmbracingChangeEmbracingChange member
    LadyMacaron said:
    This is exactly how my SIL is, and during the holidays I finally just exploded. She kept saying things like, "just wait until it's you" or "I can't wait to see how you handle how difficult it is" in the most condescending voice. I finally just yelled at her to stop putting all her negative shit on to me, and maybe cheer me on instead of waiting to one-up me or teach me a lesson. Like in your case, her experiences are not mine, and won't be, because we are completely different people. Not to mention she is the most anal parent in the world and doesn't know what she's doing, and I have been a nanny to 4 children for the last 6 years...I wish people would just have a little self awareness and mind their own business. I have a feeling it's only going to get worse.
    At least you're preparing for it. I promise you that you are correct. You'll get unsolicited advice from your family, coworkers, people in line with you at the grocery store.... I've been getting particularly tired of the bs this time, I have no tolerance right now. With the other two I did fine with the " thanks for the advice, I'll take that into consideration". This time I'm easily irritated. Its showing in all areas of my life.
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  • Happydance80Happydance80 member
    With my first, anytime I would talk about being excited I was greeted with,"oh just wait until he is crying in the middle of the night." Ok STFU.
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  • ricecakes1216ricecakes1216 member
    It is so annoying. I posted on FB about how sleep is overrated (I am very sarcastic IRL and everyone knows it). I was refering to the fact I have struggled with insomnia since the beginning of my pregnancy. I got all this advice on how I need to be sleeping now because once baby is here I won't sleep again. Because the more sleep I get now the less tired I will be when baby is here?! UH, no. 

    And it's just beginning. 
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  • mjdaviesmjdavies member
    I am sick of hearing the same thing. Obviously kids are hard work but they can also be delightful creatures. I hear the amount of love you have for them is just as life changing as no sleep. I just have to remind myself that the people saying these things to me are overwhelmed or otherwise just miserable in their own lives.
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  • JNYLPJNYLP member
    ricecakes1216 said:

    It is so annoying. I posted on FB about how sleep is overrated (I am very sarcastic IRL and everyone knows it). I was refering to the fact I have struggled with insomnia since the beginning of my pregnancy. I got all this advice on how I need to be sleeping now because once baby is here I won't sleep again. Because the more sleep I get now the less tired I will be when baby is here?! UH, no. 


    And it's just beginning. 
    I had sleep probs with DD and again this time too!... Everyone told me the same thing, that it was "preparing me" for no sleep! (Thanks so much that makes me feel so much better; NOT!)

    Anyway, I slept SOOOOOO much better after DD was born!!! Lol. No one can predict how our lives will be after baby comes!!!
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  • elsa1688elsa1688 member
    LegalLadyBug said:

    On the bright side, I've found that after the first one people stop giving advice. In my case, now with twins, I usually get the "well atleast you have some experience/know what you're doing!" Lol

    ETA: on the down side, it doesn't stop after baby arrives. I got into a huge fight with FIL and StepMIL after DD was born because they wanted us to bring 1 week old DD to visit while their 5 year old was vomiting and coughing...they told me it was just allergies. StepMIL insisted on using baby powder for diaper changes even though I told her not to as per doctors instructions. Both StepMIL and FIL made fun of me for asking them not to heat DDs bottle in the microwave and to please not dump out the beast milk if DD didn't eat because I was having supply issues and had to work really hard for every drop. They kept telling me it wasn't their first "rodeo" and I wanted to punch them. I still do now thinking about it again.

    Beast milk sounds pretty epic ;)
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  • EmbracingChangeEmbracingChange member
    When asked if I got a crib yet I always tell people that we bed share for the first six months. My in-laws ALWAYS, no matter how many times it's said, say "oh you'll want to nip that in the bud. Baby will never sleep in his/her own bed." This is my third baby. The other two enjoyed having their own space and slept through the night with no issues once they were moved. I can't imagine why this one would be any different... Stop asking if the answer bothers you so much.
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  • temursgirltemursgirl member
    ricecakes1216 said:
    It is so annoying. I posted on FB about how sleep is overrated (I am very sarcastic IRL and everyone knows it). I was refering to the fact I have struggled with insomnia since the beginning of my pregnancy. I got all this advice on how I need to be sleeping now because once baby is here I won't sleep again. Because the more sleep I get now the less tired I will be when baby is here?! UH, no. 

    And it's just beginning. 
    Ah, the infamous sleep camel comment.   There seems to be a common perception that one can "save up"  experiences.  It's such a weird idea.

    All the people who have told me "you'll never... again" are all people who did nothing anyway.  We're lucky that a lot of our friends are the type of parents who believe in keeping up their own lives.
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  • momof5sept18momof5sept18 member
    Rachel5130 said:

    Omg y'all. I feel like I'm going to get a big fat dose of this any day now. I have yet to get these snide little remarks. And I'm kind of a bitch anyway, being pregnant only enhances that. I have always just been super honest and said what was on my mind.

    OP - I agree with everyone else. Be excited and ignore these idiots. Just make it a game. Piss them off with your positivity.

    So, STMs, what is your advice on a know it all that just bombards you with advice? Not condescending... Actually helpful advice. But. It. Is. All. The. Time. Seriously. All. Day. Long. I feel like so much of this I need to find out for myself. Anyone else dealing with this or know how to resolve it without being a jerk?

    I've always did the "Thanks, but I'll figure it out on my own" which worked pretty well. Besides that, let it go in one ear and out the other. Smile and nod, smile and nod. Lol. If that doesn't work, someone should create a GIF story. I suggest @joules235, she's amazing at GIFs. Make a story of things people say and show the reaction in GIFs like the husbands view on pregnancy GIF story and email it to EVERYONE and that may help. Really though, unsolicited advice is everywhere, I think I just got lucky that people don't always know how to approach me (including family), so they don't try to push buttons.
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  • EmbracingChangeEmbracingChange member
    I go with the "every child is different. I learn best through trial and error" approach.
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  • LKHoffaLKHoffa member
    I swear that some of these advice-giving moms are just doomsday preppers! I know a girl like this too- VERY helpful, but come on already! She told me to just plan on being depressed after the baby is born because I likely will be (she was) and if I am depressed, not to take medicine, but to just keep talking to myself until I talk myself out of it. Um... I'll talk to my doctor about postpartum depression, thanks.
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  • LEO2010LEO2010 member
    I HATE the negative Nancy's and the know-it-alls. It was the same thing when DH and I got married "are you SURE you want to get married?" "Marriage changes everything." Blah blah blah. Now that's I'm pregnant, it's unsolicited advice galore and so far I've managed to smile and nod while internally rolling my eyes and giving the finger, but I keep telling DH that one day I'm going to go all hormonal and just freak on whoever it is. I feel like I've gotten more of this now that we are having a girl (oh no a girl?!?!?). My MIL and SIL were like "are you sure it's a girl?" And "I know someone who was told she was having a girl and..." They wanted a boy. I said "well she isn't going to grow a penis so get used to it."

    On the other hand- I've had lots of people tell me that being a mother is absolutely wonderful and fulfilling and amazing- it's so nice to hear positive comments.

    Just think ladies- it will only get worse when we really start to POP.
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  • kbellizio3kbellizio3 member
    edited January 2014
    I have a neighbor who has been divorced once, no kids and is in his 50s. He's extremely nice and kind of "adopted" DH when he was new to the neighborhood and really has helped us out a lot. But he was the first one to lecture me about getting married really young (I was 21 when we got engaged and 22 when we got married) and then told me I should wait a while before getting pregnant so I can get a good job etc. (I'm 23 and have a degree that I will probably never use in the near future because of budget cuts in schools). He basically told me that because I got married and pregnant so young I won't be happy later because I don't have a lot of money now and won't later. I just kind of looked at him and said that I'd rather be working a little harder now to provide for my family than be lonely and just work all the time.

    Luckily that's the only lecture I've gotten. Well except my stepMIL telling me what I could and couldn't eat (like really?) but I'm a FTM so maybe someone will say something later on. Ill probably just say "thanks" and move on.

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  • babygabe614babygabe614 member

    I'm with all you ladies on the unsolicited advice. I'm lucky to have not gotten much parenting advice so far, and most of what I *have* gotten has been positive, but I have had so much negativity about being pregnant that I want to rip my hair out. I can see the obvious disappointment on my coworkers' faces when they ask how I'm feeling and I tell them I feel pretty good most days. I have had so many "Just wait until the third trimester, you'll be sooo uncomfortable!" comments I just want to punch everyone.

    As far as parenting advice, I think I'm kind of like the PP who said people don't know how to approach her. I really am nice (I promise) but I can come off a little unapproachable at times which at this point I'm thankful for because the less "advice" I get from strangers, the better. I can't wait to hear some parenting tips from my FIL and stepMIL... they are the type who think they are the epitome of good parenting but raised their kids in a cigarette smoke filled home with horrible diets and have no current knowledge whatsoever about safety precautions. Thanks but no thanks.

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  • MrsBHMMrsBHM member
    I've already started getting comments from strangers. "Is this your first? Well you better sleep now!!!" I think I'm just going to start giving them dumbfounded looks and be like "Why? What do you mean? Babies don't sleep?!?!"
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  • hollygb22hollygb22 member

    Its neverending.....some people mean well but it gets so old.

    DD didn't sttn until she was 7 months...i HATED the people who would tell me I needed to get her in a routine..like the kiddo was sitting in her crib at 11pm with a bag of Lays potato chips watching TV.

    Right now I'm constantly getting the binky and blankie advice I don't need and about how I'm developing bad habits for her etc. My MIL and mom were big on the fact that she wasn't eating enough because she was BF and that's why she didn't sleep. I found their advice was just 30 yrs too old and they loved to tell me what they did

    As for marriage..yeah..things obviously change. Just focus on finding your new normal. I had a long maternity leave of 7 months and did everything while I was home because I had the time. We had a very hard time once I went back to work and all the household/baby duties needed to be realigned. It's different for everyone!

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  • shakeweightsshakeweights member
    You were very nice about it with your reply - I commend you for that! (oh and laughed really loud about the unicorn farts...haven't heard that one before!) 

    I really hate when people say things like, 'Oh you better get used to it' or 'Just you wait' - ya, I get it, my life is going to change...DUH! But I wanted this, we TRIED for this baby and I happen to be excited for the changes! People are just dumb :) 
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  • MSUMandsMSUMands member
    There is NOTHING worse than the "just you wait" comments. Like parents are in some kind of secret society where having kids is awful and your life is over.

    When non-parent friends asked us what it is like to have kids after we had DS, we were honest, it's not all sunshine and awesome-sauce, but it is amazing most of the time. The best thing we ever did. We never knew we could love someone so much. How did we ever life without him? He is so fun! We can't wait to experience life with him.

    If it was so bad, why would anyone ever have more than one kid!? :)

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  • Luna CLuna C member
    hollygb22 said:

    Its neverending.....some people mean well but it gets so old.

    DD didn't sttn until she was 7 months...i HATED the people who would tell me I needed to get her in a routine..like the kiddo was sitting in her crib at 11pm with a bag of Lays potato chips watching TV.

    My parents used to complain all the time about this. By the time I was three months old, I was sleeping 12 hours straight every night -- but I was sleeping midnight to noon. And I didn't nap.

    Everyone was on them about "letting me stay up all night." Like we were all partying and getting trashed together or something. they also said it was borderline abusive that I didn't nap -- even though when they tried to get me to nap I had NO interest in it. Finally, my mom calls the pediatrician in desperation to find out what she's doing wrong. His response: "Your baby is healthy and sleeping 12 hours every night. Count your blessing and tell them to shut up."

    And for the record, I'm still a night owl. People have to realize that not everyone's bodies work exactly the same way.

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  • Pepper6Pepper6 member
    My favorite has been all the pregnancy advice/comments from people who have never been pregnant.  We went out for a friends birthday and some of the girls who I don't know that well were commenting about all the stuff you can't do when you're pregnant (sushi, lunch meat, hair color, etc) and that's why they aren't ready to have kids yet...all this while we were at a sushi place where I was eating sushi, have highlights, etc.  I didn't say anything....god forbid I convince them to reproduce....
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  • Pepper6Pepper6 member
    @Rachel5130  We had people ask us if we were going to find out, which I told them yes, and almost everyone said "Oh good, I hate when people keep it a surprise".  It almost made me want to keep it a secret just to piss them off.  I don't understand why people are so invested on which genitals your child will have...
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  • EmbracingChangeEmbracingChange member
    edited January 2014
    Just you wait... ;) things are worse if there is something "wrong" with your child. 

    Example:  DD has a hemangioma on her cheek. It was larger and bright red when she was a toddler. People would stare, comment, or come over to tell me their experience all of the time! One day we were in the PX and some lady came over to me with her daughter(12 ish y.o.)... She asked if it was a hemangioma then assured me that like my dermatologist had said, it would recede over time. She then showed me the one her daughter had a over her eye that had faded, one on her back(which she showed by spinning her around and yanking her shirt up), and one on her belly. Then she whispers to me "she also had one on her labia."…............ All I could think was "please don't try to show me this one!!!!" 
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