WWS12D: Cheating

MeatballEsq · January 2014

This is purely hypothetical and for discussion purposes, because yo the board is slow. No one in my relationship is cheating (that I know of anyway).

Would you stay with YH if you found out he cheated? Has that opinion changed since having a child?

Would it matter if it was a one time thing v more than once?

Would it make a difference if he was the one to confess v you finding out?

MeatballEsq · January 2014

This was prompted by me having a few IRL friends who have cheated on their husbands recently. I don't know if it's a 5-7 year itch thing in their marriage or what.

I've always had really clear black/white views on cheating. You cheat, we're done. And honestly that hasn't changed for me since having a child. For me it's a trust issue. I don't think there's any amount of time and counseling that could get me to the point of trusting him again, and I wouldn't want to live my life in that constant state of suspicion.

BeebopandBuddy · January 2014

I would not stay with DH if he cheated. I could not trust him again and I would be constantly wondering what he was doing. I don't think showing my kids that kind of unhealthy relationship would be an option either.

BillyMollyEmmy · January 2014

I think it would be a done deal for me.

If you're going to throw myself and your daughter to the dogs so you can have a side fling, don't expect me to forgive you. Ever.

AKB090609 · January 2014

This scared the shit out of me! I was all ready to come in guns-a-blazing, then I read hypothetical...

DH and I have been together forever and never had a real relationship with anyone else, so I think that makes it both harder and easier to understand cheating. I think if it was a one time thing that he admitted I could get past it with time. An ongoing affair, we are done.

I will admit that I had the opportunity to cheat the spring before we got married, I really liked the other guy as a friend, but decided to find him a girlfriend rather then mess up what DH and I had.

Having a kid has not changed my opinions on the subject.

MomtobeNJ · January 2014

I honestly don't think you can answer until you're in that position. My knee-jerk response would be "no way" but I don't know.

willy_gert · January 2014

I think I would at least try to stay if I found out my husband cheated. My parent's divorced because of an affair, and I wish sometimes that they had at least tried to stay together, go to counseling, whatever.

I don't think my opinion has changed with having a child, because I would have tried prior to having her as well.

For some reason, I think it would matter to me if it was one time vs. on going. This will sound weird, but I could almost understand one time, dependent on the circumstances, better than I could understand multiple times/ ongoing relationship. I guess I feel like there is an emotional piece to it as well.

It would make a difference to me if he confessed vs me finding it or figuring it out. I feel like if I found out or figured it out, I wouldn't be able to trust that he was sorry for real vs. sorry that I caught him. If he came to me and confessed and apologized I would know he was truly sorry.

Follow up Question/ Thought: does it matter if it was emotional vs physical?

Nita2603 · January 2014

Not sure. I want to say that I'd try to work through it, but I am pretty sure I couldn't.

Pokedot · January 2014

I love my husband and I could never see him doing it, however if he did, I'd have to walk away from the marriage. I've been cheated on before and I couldn't forgive him. The trust was not there and without trust you don't have a sound foundation for a relationship. I agree with everything you said @MeatballEsq

MarisaKathleen · January 2014

I guess I'm in the minority. I look at it differently given my past. If he was going to try and work on it, yes, I'd try to work on it.

I also think having a fling is very different than having an affair.

And I'd like to think that if my husband found out that I cheated that he'd want to work it out with me.

It shocks me that so many of you ladies are all "nope, i'd just leave." Maybe it is because of kids, but I could never just walk away without exhausting all of my other options, especially if I really felt like he still loved me.

redneckmomma25 · January 2014

For me, I would try and do what I could to save the marriage. As a child of divorce I don't want that for my kids. I am not a door mat though either. So it would not be an immediate divorce. It would be trying to fix the marriage first. Divorce for us would be the last option.

MarisaKathleen · January 2014

Friend of the family recently found out that her husband has been cheating on her since like forever. They were HS sweethearts, got married 4 years ago, have 2 little kids and she found out from mutual friends about some other woman. Now it's come out that this has been going on with all kinds of women for 12 years.

Instances like that, no, I couldn't forgive.

1 person, 1 fling? Yea, I probably could.

I'm not saying I wouldn't be angry, and that I wouldn't make his life very uncomfortable for awhile, but I would hope that it could be worked out.

Kissty · January 2014

I would "try" to make it work. It would definately matter 1 x vs. multiple. I'd be more hurt if it was an on going affair. Also, if I were to find out it would also be worse than a confession. DH and I have been together for over 21 years and it would be so hard to walk away. We have been through a lot of shit over the years and so far we've come out clean on the other side. This is something we have not dealt with. I do know a bit about the "loss of trust" and that is very hard thing to get past.

BeebopandBuddy · January 2014

For me, I know what I can take emotionally and I know what I can't take. I believe in preserving my marriage if possible but I just don't see it as a possibility when I don't trust him.

I also believe that, if two people divorce, they should do their best to make things amicable, comfortable and healthy for the children. I cannot imagine anything that DH could do,besides endanger the kids in some way, that would make me not able to have a healthy co-parenting situation with him.

Mobile

Stasi · January 2014

There are so many facets and angles to this...I'm not sure if I could ever say with confidence, "yes, I'm absolutely leaving you" if my DH cheated. It would really depend on if he also wanted to try and make our relationship work.

I've seen marriages come back from the brink of disaster from cheating and the couple ends up being more open, honest, and in the end, a different, yet in a stronger place then where they were before.

I've also seen marriages fall apart, and people move on to be just as happy and content with their future spouses...

MississippiCatfish · January 2014

redneckmomma25 said:
For me, I would try and do what I could to save the marriage. As a child of divorce I don't want that for my kids. I am not a door mat though either. So it would not be an immediate divorce. It would be trying to fix the marriage first. Divorce for us would be the last option.

This is pretty much my answer, too. But this is coming from someone who is in a really healthy relationship (I think). If you're at the point where an affair happens, your relationship probably isn't generally healthy, and might not feel worthy of fighting for. I don't know. I don't judge either way, that's for sure. It would be absolutely devastating for me.

Eta: wording

melody921 · January 2014

I would have a very hard time trusting him again. Watching my parents' toxic relationship deteriorate for years bc of my father making choices like this has jaded me and made me a more suspicious person all the way around. As much as I wouldn't want to be divorced, I view cheating as the ultimate disrespect. And even with counseling, I would always be on edge that it would happen again. I think people who can have such little regard for their spouses would make the same mistake repeatedly. And having kids does not make me more inclined to stay in a bad situation. I can tell you firsthand that my brother and I knew entirely too much about our parents' marriage, and it took its toll. We absolutely would have been better off if our parents had split sooner and spared us the anxiety, the back and forth and the constant revealing of information that had nothing to do with us.

edited for spelling

thebanich · January 2014

1 night stand or something similar I might be willing to work through it. Might. On-going emotionally involved affair? I'm out (well actually he is out on his ass). I would never be able to trust him again.

I am certain he would feel the same way .

Cheenomae · January 2014

.

watercolor5 · January 2014

I think any kind of physical cheating is cause for divorce. I know DH would definitely divorce me if I cheated- it's one of the only things I could do that would make him give up on our relationship. But if DH cheated on me, I have no idea if I'd leave him. I couldn't picture raising our girls or living my life without him right now... not sure how that would change if I knew about infidelity. I feel for anyone who has to make that decision or deal with that hurt, and definitely don't judge whatever decision they make.

willy_gert · January 2014

@bunkinmama I am so sorry you have had to go through that. Thank you for sharing!

Cheating is one of my worst fears, because it did end my parent's marriage. That fear has caused me to become jealous and suspicious, yet I married a natural flirt. We talk about things regularly to make sure we are both feeling all right about our relationship, especially where flirting and others are involved.

hmp1 · January 2014

Isn't a done deal solid deal breaker for me. It all depends on the circumstance and how he feels about it. I really believe though that DH would leave me prior to cheating on me. His dad cheated on his mom and he feels very strongly that if you get to that point, you have to decide if you want to stay married and not cheat or the marriage is over and move on.

Having kids hasn't changed my views on cheating.

I could more easily forgive a one time drunken night that was purely about sex and nothing more, than a friendship that turned sexual.

Along with that, coming to me right away to confess, repent, and acknowledge that he wants our marriage to work and will do what I need him to do to rebuild our trust.

MRoxy0628 · January 2014

I'm not sure if I would stay with him or not, but yes, the fact that I'm saying "not sure" is absolutely related to the fact that we have a child. If we didn't have a child, I would have less reservations about ending our marriage. If he seemed remorseful and wanted to work things out and was willing to try, I would try to make it work. Both because I love him, but also, I can't imagine not seeing my daughter every day. That said if we couldn't make it work and it was an unhealthy situation, I would move-on, but I'd want to try to repair things first.

Yes, I think I'd be more likely to forgive for a one time indiscretion vs. a long time affair.

No, I don't think that would play into it much, but I'm not sure.

MarisaKathleen · January 2014

I'm with @hmp1--to me a one night drunken thing is more easily forgivable.
Having an all out relationship with someone would not only hurt me, it would make me feel inadequate. I think that's a lot harder to come back from.

Bighair12 · January 2014

I am not sure what I would do. I think a one night stand is more forgivable than a long term sexual affair.

But, I think some flirting with someone else is forgivable.

Eastie156 · January 2014

It's not an automatic divorce for me. I think it depends person to person. I personally don't think "once a cheater, always a cheater" and I agree with pp's that there's kind of a big gray area, especially when it comes to emotional cheating

MarisaKathleen · January 2014

WHY AM I STILL STUCK IN THIS BOX?!

Truthfully, DH and I have talked about it...for me personally, I would have an easier time if DH would be gay. It sounds totally stupid, but I think since I would know that I couldn't compete with that it would be easier for me to get over.

Cheenomae · January 2014

Thanks, @dimples12! I can say the same to you. The ownership you take in these threads of your situation shows a lot of strength on your part.

It sounds like our moms are in a race. I wish she knew she doesn't get an award. She's divorced now so I'm sure the numbers are still climbing as this just leaves her open to be married....again.

The idea of marriage was really hard for me too and sometimes still is. I think there are a lot of people with really strong marriages and I'd consider myself to have one of them, but I also feel like marriage has a lot of trials that some people can't even imagine will happen to them and they will. Obviously not everyone will face trials, but most of us will.

Having watched what I've watched growing up I think it makes me less vulnerable to negative possibilities so I feel lucky. If you ask my DH though I'm unlucky because of it. Sometimes I can't just sit back and enjoy everything wonderful coming my way. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Anyway, in regards to my earlier stated experience it actually was hard to walk away, but I'm glad I did. Being in the moment things seem impossible, but looking back I never understand why they hurt so bad. Life is weird. Hindsight, yo.

I sound really contradicting, I feel like.

MeatballEsq · January 2014

BunkinMama said:
Define Cheating please, physically cheating and sleeping with someone else, or emotionally cheating say a internet relationship?

Physical. I do think there is such thing as emotional cheating, but my feelings regarding that are different. That is something I may be able to get past with true remorse and counseling.

BPer · January 2014

Ah, this is tough. I would first try counseling. That being said, even with counseling, time, good behavior, etc., I don't think that our relationship could ever be the same, mostly because of me. I know myself, and I know that even 5 years later, if he was late getting home from work, sending texts at night, hanging out at his friends' houses, I would always wonder. But, I might stay with him anyway, because I am sure I would still love him.

A long term affair, or a friendship that turned romantic/sexual would definitely hurt more than a hookup with a stranger.

Having a child definitely changed my perspective. I have a few friends from HS who are single moms, and I see how they struggle, and my heart breaks for them. For as little as H is around to help, I can't imagine doing it without him, and he and DD love each other so much.

And selfishly, I can't imagine starting from scratch with someone new. Dating is tiresome, and you can't wear sweatpants.

BillyMollyEmmy · January 2014

LoisLayn23 said:

I also agree with the PP that said it's so much easier to say "I'd totes leave" until you are in that position.

Oh for sure - but it's hypothetical, right? So I guess you have to answer hypothetically.

And hypothetically, I'm an unforgiving jerkface. haha

jenndub · January 2014

I was engaged to Emma and Beckett's dad when he cheated on me with one of my close friends. I had always thought that if he cheated I would leave. But he left me before I found out, then he lied about it. I spent weeks begging him to come home. Then I found out he cheated and stopped begging. But if he had tried to come back in those first few months I know I would have let him. The pain and devastation of it all was almost more than I could stand. I have always found myself to be a mentally strong person, but I can admit that I fell to pieces. If I didn't have two very young babies counting on me I wouldn't have even gotten out of bed.

If DH cheated on me, I can't say with confidence what I would do. I did not allow my ex-fiance to come back when he tried a year later. I didn't want my kids to think I was okay with being treated that way or that it was okay to treat someone that way. I also found out he had been cheating throughout our entire relationship so that helped me to let go.

Eastie156 · January 2014

MeatballEsq said:

Define Cheating please, physically cheating and sleeping with someone else, or emotionally cheating say a internet relationship?
Physical. I do think there is such thing as emotional cheating, but my feelings regarding that are different. That is something I may be able to get past with true remorse and counseling.

I think that although at first a physical affair seems worse, emotional is just as difficult. But I agree that it might easier to move past emotional than physical. I think it also depends if it's a one night stand or an ongoing physical relationship. On going would be harder to forgive, IMO.

Kissty · January 2014

I have a very close friend who found out that her husband had an affair 10 years after the fact. She found out through facebook. Long story. They worked through things and are doing better but it hurt her so badly. She still has trust issues and it is 2 years after finding out. She still hurts when she thinks about it. I know I had a hard time looking at him the same when she confided in me. She has mentioned though how hard it is because there are times that it never enters her mind and it was like it never happened and then other times when she feels like she did when she found out. My heart goes out to all the ladies here who have had the same struggle.

MeatballEsq · January 2014

@eastie156 Im so sorry you went through that

I can see how emotional cheating can be just as devastating, especially if they didn't recognize it. I'm hoping now he will be able to recognize it going forward?

I remember sitting in law school orientation and one of the 3rd year law students giving it divorced in his second year. He have some crazy high statistic of how many people divorce during law school. We weren't married yet but had been living together for probably 6 years at the time and it scared the crap out of me. It was really hard on DH.

jocymama · January 2014

While I agree that until it happens I can't really know for sure how I would react, for now, I would say I would leave. If MH cheated, that trust that we have would be broken and I think I would constantly be wondering if was cheating again. I am an insecure person so that would be too much. I am sure I would still love him but the insecurities it would bring out would make me miserable so for my mental health it would be better to end it.

I do think a drunken one-night stand is different than a long term affair but either one would be more than I could handle.

BillyMollyEmmy · January 2014

I just thought of this..

My DH's cousin is seriously the most handsome man on the planet. The ladies swoon over him. He's handsome, has his own business, is well off, and he's a gentleman. If I wasn't married I'd be all over that like white on rice.

His fiance cheated on him when they were like 23 years old and he's never gotten over it. ever. he has serious commitment issues. I'm like dude, get a nice girl and go make beautiful babies with her! He's 33 now, I think? 10 years. That's rough, yo.

Pokedot · January 2014

Since we're playing hypothetical and physical cheating not emotional what would you ladies say if your SO got another woman pregnant during the physical affair. It only takes one time, so if that happened what would you do? Assuming your DH wanted to stay and work on things?

This came to mind because of a situation with DH's work.

BPer · January 2014

So, how would everyone deal with the other woman...who is obviously a dirty, no good slore?

Edit: To italicize "obviously" so that my tone is better-conveyed.

melody921 · January 2014

LoisLayn23 said:

melody921 said:

I would have a very hard time trusting him again. Watching my parents' toxic relationship deteriorate for years bc of my father making choices like this has jaded me and made me a more suspicious person all the way around. As much as I wouldn't want to be divorced, I view cheating as the ultimate disrespect. And even with counseling, I would always be on edge that it would happen again. I think people who can have such little regard for their spouses would make the same mistake repeatedly. And having kids does not make me more inclined to stay in a bad situation. I can tell you firsthand that my brother and I knew entirely too much about our parents' marriage, and it took its toll. We absolutely would have been better off if our parents had split sooner and spared us the anxiety, the back and forth and the constant revealing of information that had nothing to do with us.

edited for spelling

I 100% disagree with this.

The notion that once a cheater, always a cheater, is absolutely false.

It may strike you as false. It does not strike me that way, which is why it's my personal feeling on the matter. Can some people stray once, feel remorse and never do it again? Sure. Are there plenty of other people who will do it repeatedly? Absolutely. I would have a hard time trusting that it was only a one-time thing.

willy_gert · January 2014

LoisLayn23 said:

Pokedot said:

Since we're playing hypothetical and physical cheating not emotional what would you ladies say if your SO got another woman pregnant during the physical affair. It only takes one time, so if that happened what would you do? Assuming your DH wanted to stay and work on things?

This came to mind because of a situation with DH's work.

That would probably push me over the proverbial edge.

Because he can't cut ties with that woman now, ever. He is forever tied to her, and I coudn't get past that.

Honestly, I don't know. What if the woman didn't want to keep the baby? I think it would be hard as hell, because there would be another child involved, but I don't know that I could walk away, especially if it was just a one time thing and she happened to get preggers. I would probably be devastated because of the struggle we went through, but I would see that as a separate issue from our marriage.

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