The circumcision decision. What to do when you both disagree?

LadyMacaron · January 2014

I know this can be a heated topic, but I am struggling with this decision. I have always thought that I would let DH make the decision, because he's the one with the penis and understands it more than I do. Fast forward to now, where I have read all the research out there, and I don't want to have our son circumcised. DH is not passionate about anything regarding raising kids, he is a very go-with-the-flow type of person, but he is very vocal about having our son circumcised. We have had this conversation a handful of times and neither of us are budging. Obviously we have time, but how do you make this decision when both of you have solid opinions? We both see each other's point, just not enough to concede.

What did you choose (or will you choose), how did you make the choice, and what would you do if neither of you agreed? And don't say "well, I went through pregnancy/labor, so it's my decision", because that's the lamest excuse there is about anything. My search function is seriously not working on the ipad, so I apologize if I have missed a similar discussion.

MissBHaven1024 · January 2014

That's really tough. I'm not much help, and I don't have much advice, but I wanted to say that I am sorry that it a cause for contention between the two of you right now. What if you both wrote down the pro's and con's of circumcision vs. not, and see if you have anything that you agree with? Maybe it would bring a new dynamic to the conversation that could come to a resolution.

rainbowdashh · January 2014

If we didn't agree, I honestly have no idea what we would do. I'm very strong willed so I have a feeling my decision would be the one we went with. Have you shown him any of the research you've done? I'm sorry you don't agree on this, I imagine that's very stressful.

Unknown · January 2014

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tbmadeamistake · January 2014

DH also tends to be laid back about this, and when I brought it up the first time, he was definitely for it but willing to listen if I felt strongly against it. I don't, and after talking it through we've decided to go ahead with it. I like PP's idea of both writing down what you each think are the pros and cons, and then comparing those lists. That, or as you interview/choose a pedi, ask them what they think. It might help to get some objective, outside input on the matter. I'm sorry it's such a matter of contention. Perhaps table the conversation for say, a month, just to give you both time to relax about it?

rainbowdashh · January 2014

Tdonatoni said:
This was probably the easiest decision we made. I researched both sides and was favoring the baby should look like daddy. DH wasn't circumcised but had some issues growing up with UTIs and bladder/kidney infections. He asked me: do you really want to pull down his foreskin to clean it every time and do you want to monitor that cleaning when he's potty trained? A quick "no" from me gave us our decision to circumcise.

I might be wrong because I don't have a son, but I didn't think you were supposed to force retraction of the foreskin? That it happened on its own eventually.

I thought about it more and if it came down to I didn't want to and he did, I would probably just say that I wouldn't allow a procedure that we both didn't agree on. Maybe that makes me a brat, but if both can't agree then I don't think it should be done.

LadyMacaron · January 2014

You know, my husband is not the type to put his foot down, so it's not like we are having fights or arguments about it. I just feel it's a big thing to not 100% agree on, you know? Neither of us should feel bullied, although I know he would give in to me if I just threw a fit...Which I won't.

We have watched videos on circumcision, and he's read the same articles I have. He still thinks cleanliness and infection is too big of a risk, he doesn't want to have to teach his son how to clean his penis to prevent this, he doesn't want to feel guilty if they need a circumcision later in life (and he thinks that's worse than a baby experiencing it), that it will give our son a better chance to last longer during sex (and not "freak" women out...Which I have been with an uncircumcised man, and it was the same to me...), and that he won't feel strange in locker rooms/with his dad.

momof5sept18 · January 2014

I've never thought of it if DH and I didn't agree. Ex-H and I didn't circumcise our two sons because I did research and found that IMO, there was no need for it, also I talk to a couple different doctors and they said my points made sense and agreed its not medically necessary. Its considered a cosmetic surgery, and is mostly done for religious purposes, and EX-H agreed. This time, DH and I discussed it and neither of us see a reasoning for it if this LO is a boy, so we won't do it this time either. I like the pro's and con's list that @MissBHaven1024 mentioned.

TheMrs820 · January 2014

What are your reasons for not wanting to circumcise?

I am also having a boy & am curious because I have never given it any thought.

tbmadeamistake · January 2014

I'm in a mood and feel the need to mention that I think "both disagree" is a double negative...so wouldn't that mean you agree? Feel free to ignore me, I'll sit over here in the corner and ponder the grammatical correctness of that statement...

lellymine · January 2014

A couple in my neighborhood flipped a coin when they didn't agree. :-S

If it were me and my DH I'd probably leave the final say up to him

LadyMacaron · January 2014

TheMrs820 said:

What are your reasons for not wanting to circumcise? I am also having a boy & am curious because I have never given it any thought.

Basically, it is not medically necessary. The risk of infection this day and age is low. You diminish penis sensitivity, sometimes by 20%. Their penis isn't done growing, and it can be painful for a child as they hit puberty, and find they are "constricted". It is extremely painful, even if they won't remember it. And finally, because it's their body, and I don't think it's right to cut off a part of them without their consent. It just seems very archaic to me. But, I do see his reasons too!

LadyMacaron · January 2014

Lilygrace48 said:

I'm in a mood and feel the need to mention that I think "both disagree" is a double negative...so wouldn't that mean you agree? Feel free to ignore me, I'll sit over here in the corner and ponder the grammatical correctness of that statement...

Helpful. Thanks.

bebemac · January 2014

I don't really understand the logic of "my husband has a penis so he can decide," but that's just me. H is not circumcised and has never had any issues. I would never put my son through what is to me, a barbaric act, so he will also be uncircumcised.

tbmadeamistake · January 2014

LadyMacaron said:

Lilygrace48 said:

I'm in a mood and feel the need to mention that I think "both disagree" is a double negative...so wouldn't that mean you agree? Feel free to ignore me, I'll sit over here in the corner and ponder the grammatical correctness of that statement...

Helpful. Thanks.

To be fair, I did try to be helpful up there first, and I did qualify by stating I was in a mood you could ignore me. Sorry.

TheMrs820 · January 2014

Thank you for your insight. I guess since it is so mainstream to do it i had not given it much thought. This is definitely something to discuss.

LadyMacaron · January 2014

Lilygrace48 said:

LadyMacaron said:

Lilygrace48 said:

I'm in a mood and feel the need to mention that I think "both disagree" is a double negative...so wouldn't that mean you agree? Feel free to ignore me, I'll sit over here in the corner and ponder the grammatical correctness of that statement...

Helpful. Thanks.

To be fair, I did try to be helpful up there first, and I did qualify by stating I was in a mood you could ignore me. Sorry.

Not bothered by it

Your first post actually was helpful! We will see if the list method works.

LadyMacaron · January 2014

Here is the article that started it all...Damn you Dr. Sears!

https://www.askdrsears.com/topics/pregnancy-childbirth/whether-or-not-circumcise

wolson1988 · January 2014

boys have been circumcised for centuries... Boys have been uncircumcised for centuries... personally, either way things are going to be fine. With DS, I just let the hubs decide. He knows more about penises than I do.

BoraBoraBaby · January 2014

Lurking from July and wanted to mention that a colleague is currently regretting her decision not to circumcise and begged me not to make the same mistake. She said he is suffering with health issues and she's considering doing it now and he's 2. I haven't done my research yet but this didn't sound like something I'd want to revisit when my baby is 2. I'm sure plenty of uncircumcised boys are perfectly healthy, though. In the end I agree it should probably be a mutual decision or should be put on hold if done at all.

fsumom · January 2014

I think you should show him proven research and hopefully he can be open minded to communicating with you in an adult manner. I cannot stand when women say that their Dh has the penis so he gets the say.

**and btw, you DO NOT RETRACT the foreskin. It retracts on its own and can happen as late as around 10 or so. Doing so before that can cause issues and infections! Cleaning it is as simple as wiping like a finger and never letting anyone retract the foreskin!

Unknown · January 2014

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tbmadeamistake · January 2014

KrystaJ said:

bebemac said:

I don't really understand the logic of "my husband has a penis so he can decide," but that's just me. H is not circumcised and has never had any issues. I would never put my son through what is to me, a barbaric act, so he will also be uncircumcised.

I've heard that for some men (not my DH), it's really, really important to them that their sons "look" like them.

I don't particularly understand that, but then again, I don't have a penis.

According to my sister, her husband and her son do not look the same. So far it's not an issue, but Gus is only just 3, so there's still time. I don't think DH cared about it one way or the other.

supgabs · January 2014

My SO diagreed on weather to circ or not. I was against and he was for. His biggest issue was that our son wouldn't match him. I respectfully told him that was a ridiculous reason and asked him how many times he saw his dads penis. I explained to him that I didn't think it was fair to do a cosmetic surgery without our child's consent. Eventually I was able to convince him that circumcision was unnecessary and he agreed we wouldn't do that to our son. However the other night he was back on the topic and had changed his mind to wanting to circumcisise. I told him if he could watch a video of a circumcision being done on a baby and still wanted to go through with the procedure that I would concede. Well he barely got 5 minutes in before he turned it off. He was horrified and we are back to agreement.

LadyMacaron · January 2014

@michellev10, that podcast sounds exactly like something we need to check out. Thanks!

mjdavies · January 2014

Thanks for posting. We are having the same issue. This is helpful!

LadyMacaron · January 2014

michellev10 said:

LadyMacaron, no problem! The whole podcast (and their sister shows) are really informative! Here are the direct links to the website if you don't have access to iTunes right now and want to get a head start on your hubby!
Intact point of view
Risks and benefits

Sweet!! You are awesome.

temursgirl · January 2014

This has been a big discussion for us. DH is circumcised and does not want to do it if we have a boy, and he feels very strongly about it. Initially I was in favor of circumcision. My reasons were mostly because DH is and because it's done in my family.

After researching and being a bit introspective I realized that my reasons for wanting it were not substantial/rational ones or ones I really and truly care about.

If you disagree the most important thing is to share your reasoning. It seems like you've done more research, so hopefully sharing that with your H will help him understand your point of view.

MollySm · January 2014

Not much advice. Luckily H isn't circumcised and wouldn't want any future sons to be, so we are in agreement. But as far as the people asking about the sensitivity thing, it's not judged by how sensitive people think it is one way or the other, it's judged by nerve endings, which are what cause sensitivity. You can watch videos on Youtube that explain what exactly make it more sensitive.

BabyCurtiss2014 · January 2014

Think about it when he's old enough to have sex and how it will feel for him physically/emotionally if he's not. I was with one guy that didn't have it done and it weirded me out. Most people do it these days so to me it's a no brainier for our boy we are going to circumsise. I didn't do any research and not planning to either but that's just me, you gotta do what's right for you and your family

LadyMacaron · January 2014

BabyCurtiss2014 said:

Think about it when he's old enough to have sex and how it will feel for him physically/emotionally if he's not. I was with one guy that didn't have it done and it weirded me out. Most people do it these days so to me it's a no brainier for our boy we are going to circumsise. I didn't do any research and not planning to either but that's just me, you gotta do what's right for you and your family

Actually the number of circumcised vs intact is now almost 50/50 in the U.S. And in most medically advanced countries, circumcision can be less than 30% of the population. So, they won't be the odd man out regardless.

kimbercash79 · January 2014

I was relieved it waa a girl for this very reasons. Friends of mine read a book calles circuscision decision and dound it helpful.

misscarter87 · January 2014

Me &DH are having similiar issues i am for it DH is against it simply because he isnt but i think its best just for health issues and so he wouldnt have to always pull his foreskin back to potty etc so we are definitely getting LO circumsized

brideybridg · January 2014

when you both disagree... let the penis be.

fsumom · January 2014

Me &DH are having similiar issues i am for it DH is against it simply because he isnt but i think its best just for health issues and so he wouldnt have to always pull his foreskin back to potty etc so we are definitely getting LO circumsized

For crying out loud. I am not one to judge anyone for whatever decision they feel is right for their child but please do research. You do not pull back the foreskin to pee....geez.

ncbelle · January 2014

Read the research and discuss together. DH doesn't get a bigger vote just because he has a penis - this is your child too!

ncbelle · January 2014

BoraBoraBaby said:

Lurking from July and wanted to mention that a colleague is currently regretting her decision not to circumcise and begged me not to make the same mistake. She said he is suffering with health issues and she's considering doing it now and he's 2. I haven't done my research yet but this didn't sound like something I'd want to revisit when my baby is 2. I'm sure plenty of uncircumcised boys are perfectly healthy, though. In the end I agree it should probably be a mutual decision or should be put on hold if done at all.

Most of my "circle" doesn't circ and I don't know of anyone with a single problem - yet if you check out the month boards you'll see dozens of cases of problems with babies who are circ'd. Sure, problems can happen either way. But there simply is no research showing that not circ'ing leads to health issues - otherwise pretty much all of Western Europe would be having a penis crisis!

I'm not hard core anti-circ but the decision should be based on facts and not the unfounded fear that not circ'ing = health problems down the road. The only documented medical benefit is a reduced risk of STD transmission - personally I'd rather teach my boys other ways to stay safe and not rely on circumcision.

xnbride · January 2014

I would talk to your pediatrician and ask him all your questions. Also you and DH should read the AAP recommendations together.

robbinrl · January 2014

fsumom said:
I think you should show him proven research and hopefully he can be open minded to communicating with you in an adult manner. I cannot stand when women say that their Dh has the penis so he gets the say.

**and btw, you DO NOT RETRACT the foreskin. It retracts on its own and can happen as late as around 10 or so. Doing so before that can cause issues and infections! Cleaning it is as simple as wiping like a finger and never letting anyone retract the foreskin!

I had never heard that you are not supposed to retract the foreskin and will definitely have to look into this as we don't plan to circ. I gave my little brother baths when he was little and my mom always told me to pull it back to clean it and totally would have done the same for LO.

What does "it will retract in its own" mean exactly? DH isn't circ but his foreskin definitely isn't retracted when his penis is flaccid.

Eta my phone really sucks, this is the second time today

fsumom · January 2014

robbinrl said:

I think you should show him proven research and hopefully he can be open minded to communicating with you in an adult manner. I cannot stand when women say that their Dh has the penis so he gets the say.

**and btw, you DO NOT RETRACT the foreskin. It retracts on its own and can happen as late as around 10 or so. Doing so before that can cause issues and infections! Cleaning it is as simple as wiping like a finger and never letting anyone retract the foreskin!
I had never heard that you are not supposed to retract the foreskin and will definitely have to look into this as we d

The foreskin is naturally sealed to the glans of the penis. Nobody and I mean nobody should attempt to retract the foreskin except for the boy himself when his foreskin naturally retracts on its own. At that point, he can be taught to pull it back to clean it.

robbinrl · January 2014

Seriously, I am at my parent's house with DH and I just brought this up. No one had heard this before. I did a quick google search to read some details - I am glad I read this thread. And DH is horrified you all know he is uncircumcised.:)

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The circumcision decision. What to do when you both disagree?

Re: The circumcision decision. What to do when you both disagree?

Married DH 7/30/11

CSC arrived 5/7/12

CHC arrived 6/2/14

Married DH 7/30/11

CSC arrived 5/7/12

CHC arrived 6/2/14

Married DH 7/30/11

CSC arrived 5/7/12

CHC arrived 6/2/14

Married DH 7/30/11

CSC arrived 5/7/12

CHC arrived 6/2/14

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