Feeling Unappreciated...Want to Break the Cycle

elymock9 · January 2014

I didn't say every guy friend I have does this, or that they complain all the time. Nor did I say that I'm the only guy's girl in the entire world. I'm just speaking from my experiences with men. I think it's easy for some men to vent by saying hurtful things...that's all. And I also didn't say my H was "amazing" because he hasn't called me fat...he is obviously not perfect. I will take what I can from these posts, but some of you have to know that just because he fits some mold of being abusive in one way, doesn't mean he doesn't love me or my son. In many ways, some of what you are all saying is more hurtful than the problem itself. I'm not an idiot. I just wanted to talk thru this with other SAHM's, so I could figure some things out. Not to get further bashed or feel dumb for staying with him. He and I both have our issues and we will work thru them as far as we can. IF he or I come to the realization that we don't love or cherish or respect each other, then we will go from there.

Andrewsgal · January 2014

He has shown you over and over he doesn't respect you but as long as he says he does all is good? Actions speak way louder than words. My husband has never ever once told me he respects me he doesn't have to he shows me daily. No one is saying abusive people don't love their victims, but that doesn't mean you stay with someone abusing you because they love you. No one is telling you to leave him either, but the lack of respect from him to you and you of yourself is truly very sad. I hope you BOTH get individual and couples counseling and you stop making excuses for the horrible way he treats you.

jensriot · January 2014

I am sorry you're going through this and I truly hope you go into counseling with an open mind. To me, you sound like you are making excuse after excuse. Many men are secretly jerks, he's never been in a relationship this long, you've changed in a negative way, and so on. Whether it is abuse or not, he treats you badly and that's no way to live.

Disneygeek77 · January 2014

Not every post is for your benefit alone either. There might be moms/ woman out there reading this post and learning a lot from the information and the experiences that are being shared. It might actually be eye opening for them to know that almost every single response has been the same. Even if you don't get anything out of your post, I pray someone else does.

elymock9 · January 2014

"IF we come to the realization" is not him saying that he respects me. He doesn't think/feel like I respect him, so that's part of our issue. I have said over and over that I'm not making excuses, but simply trying to explain more of our situation. If that means trying to explain who my H is, and you're perceiving that as excuses, then so be it. My biggest issue with all of this is the vicious cycle of feeling like we're making progress and then we have a fight about something stupid, that gets turned around on me. Therefore, sending us backwards again. These rebukes to my problem are starting to become unproductive. I'm glad you all ended up with poster husbands. I am on H #2 at age 38. My first was a super sweet guy who became an antisocial couch potato, gained 100lbs and wouldn't leave the house. I walked away from that marriage because he stopped trying at life. I don't want to stop trying, so I will do all I can to work on this one.

notkateanymore · January 2014

Yeah, the more you write, the more this is MUD to me. Nobody is this stubborn or naive.

Disneygeek77 · January 2014

elymock9 said:

"IF we come to the realization" is not him saying that he respects me. He doesn't think/feel like I respect him, so that's part of our issue. I have said over and over that I'm not making excuses, but simply trying to explain more of our situation. If that means trying to explain who my H is, and you're perceiving that as excuses, then so be it. My biggest issue with all of this is the vicious cycle of feeling like we're making progress and then we have a fight about something stupid, that gets turned around on me. Therefore, sending us backwards again. These rebukes to my problem are starting to become unproductive. I'm glad you all ended up with poster husbands. I am on H #2 at age 38. My first was a super sweet guy who became an antisocial couch potato, gained 100lbs and wouldn't leave the house. I walked away from that marriage because he stopped trying at life. I don't want to stop trying, so I will do all I can to work on this one.

Well ironically enough, there is a term for it. It is called the cycle of abuse.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse

Please, I beg you, please research the information that is being given to you. The women on this board aren't being mean. They are being blunt, direct and honest. This is one of those situations in life where you need someone to be completely honest with you. Yes, even if it might come across as hurtful at first.

vlagrl29 · January 2014

I'm glad you will be going to couples counseling, but PLEASE go to individual counseling as well. I did both and I had to go to individual counseling to keep my eyes open during the marriage counseling. I spent a total of 2 years in counseling of some sort. I wish you luck!

elymock9 · January 2014

I've never said that you all are crazy and wrong about your perceptions about my H. Would you all be happy if I said I was just going to leave? I love my husband and want to at least fight to get things back where they were. If that makes me weak, then I don't really get the point of all your advice?? I am going to counselling...we are going...okay? That was the answer I was seeking. Not for some of you to pass judgment on me. Thee are words on a page. Not a person. Not a full history. And I'm assuming that none of you are certified psychologists? Some of you are right...this is verbal abuse. But it doesn't mean that all is lost. This thread has left me feeling hopeful and hopeless at the same time. Thanks to those of you who didn't drive my need for advice into the ground. I will take it from here.

rockyrollgirl · January 2014

elymock9 said:

I'm sure this issue is as old as our profession, but I just can't take it anymore. I asked for help to do the dishes last night, after a Chili Cook off party my Husband hosted for his motorcycle group and it happened again...the "I'm lazy and depressed and need to get help" verbal beat down discussion. Not really a discussion, so much as hurtful words being thrown at me. I don't claim to be the poster mom of the SAHM's of the World, but I take care of our son, keep our home in great shape (and decorated impeccably - my former profession), I shop, I teach our son...I don't always have dinner ready, only because my Husband is super picky and doesn't know what he wants to eat until he gets home and I work hard preparing for these parties and get togethers. I'm definitely not as fun or as skinny or as happy-go-lucky as I used to be, but these constant (weekly) reminders of who I am not, do not help my mood at all. They make me feel even more terrible about myself...and they are making me start to dislike my Husband. I need to break this cycle. Please help...any advice is appreciated.

Just a reminder of what you told us.

vlagrl29 · January 2014

elymock9 said:

I've never said that you all are crazy and wrong about your perceptions about my H. Would you all be happy if I said I was just going to leave? I love my husband and want to at least fight to get things back where they were. If that makes me weak, then I don't really get the point of all your advice?? I am going to counselling...we are going...okay? That was the answer I was seeking. Not for some of you to pass judgment on me. Thee are words on a page. Not a person. Not a full history. And I'm assuming that none of you are certified psychologists? Some of you are right...this is verbal abuse. But it doesn't mean that all is lost. This thread has left me feeling hopeful and hopeless at the same time. Thanks to those of you who didn't drive my need for advice into the ground. I will take it from here.

He also needs to go to individual counseling, I forgot about that part. People that do the verbal/mental abuse thing rarely want to go to counseling and usually refuse to because they don't think they have the problem.

jensriot · January 2014

What did you expect us to say? Most everyone has suggested counseling and that you serve to be treated much better. You aren't a horrible person for wanting to make your marriage work. I get it, but you also shouldn't be miserable either.

kcisthebombdotcom · January 2014

elymock9 said:
No judgment...and I'm not making excuses for him. I called it like it was during our talk last night. I think most couples have fights and say things they regret. I'm no angel either...we had some bad fights back when we were going out and drinking every weekend and there was never anything physical that came of those. I am his longest relationship at nearly ten years, so he's never dealt with one person for this long. I completely understand that you all would rather over evaluate the situation, so I know what I could possibly be up against...I get it. And some of you calling him names doesn't hurt my feelings at all...I just don't see where its productive, especially in this conversation about verbal abuse. The conversation we had last night was the first one we've had in a very long time that didn't result in my shortcomings being his copout. A step in the right direction...next step is our first counseling appt. on Friday.

As for "my friends" that I need to replace...they are not women...they are men, husband's, fathers. Idk if any of you have ever lived behind the veil of what men talk about when their wives aren't around, but I have. Again...maybe the reason I underplayed my situation. It's not all men (obviously) that act this way...but it's a lot more than you think. Some of them get divorced, some of them accept married life and make the turn to support their wives and families. But in their first years of marriage, it's how they process living with the opposite sex for the first time in their lives. My women friends do this too, but not to the extent that men do. Men are much more insecure than we are...and full of themselves at the same time. Now that my guy friends are approaching their 40's, they've calmed down a bit, but some of them would still try and get away with as much as they possibly could, so long as their wives don't find out. I personally don't agree with it, but I listen to their problems and try not to judge...just like a friend should. Maybe knowing this info has led to my passing off of my H's behavior? Not many women attend bachelor parties, stand up on the men's side at their weddings and get called at 9am on a saturday to go shoot hoops with the guys...I did. When my high school girlfriends all had bf's for the entire four years of school, that's what I was doing. You'd be surprised how many wives are clueless to this behavior. Again...not making excuses for my situation...I just went into marriage knowing more than I should about certain things.

Regardless, I'm feeling much better today. A big part of my frustration is with myself is my weight. I've always been in shape and thin...and I haven't been for over two years now. I've tried almost everything at this point and it's just not coming off. I've started going to a doctor and a trainer to help me with it, but it's just frustrating. My H has actually been very supportive of my journey and had shelled out a healthy amount of money for diets and pills and even surgery to fix my c-section area. He's not a bad guy...and thru all of this, he's never, ever called me fat. We will work this out...but thank you all for pointing out that it was a bigger issue than I was making it. I will post again after our appt. Better days are ahead.

I am very much a guys girl. I had few female friends in hs and college. i hate shopping and could tell you more baseball and football stats than i could about makeup and shoes. do many men vent about relationship woes with close friends ? Sure. there's nothing comparable to that and verbal abuse. dh and i have certainly been through our tough phases of fighting where we said things we didn't mean. what you describe is far above and beyond that. You really need to stop trying to convince yourself this is normal male behavior and something all couples experience.

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