How are you handling family during labor/delivery

Mrssnelling · January 2014

I have decided that I only want my DH in the labor and delivery room and that's it. I just don't want an audience and want to focus on me the baby and share this time with my DH. Of course our parents are excited and think they are going to come to the hospital as soon as they hear we are going. The labor/delivery ward is a locked ward and you have to be buzzed in so thEy won't be able to come "visit" or whatever until baby is born and we give the ok. I know they are excited and I'm thrilled to have family wanting to be there but it could take hoursssss before the baby is actually born. I've tried to tell them this but they don't get it. How are you handing this type of thing? DH says "if they want to come sit in a lobby for hours on end then that is their choice."

thomas930 · January 2014

If they don't understand boundaries then don't call them until after baby is born. Luckily my parents respect my wishes and wont come to the hospital until I say so, but I do have other family members that aren't that respectful so they don't get to know anything until after baby is born.

MapleLeafMama · January 2014

Don't call them until he baby is born. Problem solved.

Megczapla · January 2014

Agreed! If they come and sit, you might not even know. Just ask DH to not tell you if it's doing to distract you. Let them wait for as long as it takes. After labor, take as much time as YOU need before letting anyone in.

csmily51 · January 2014

We are going to let DH family (parents) come to the hospital while I'm in labor, but when it's time to push, etc, they are going to have to go to the waiting room/come back in a few hours. I want it to just be DH and I with our little girl for a while. My parents live out of state. We will call my Dad & let him know, he will drive, its 8.5 hrs, and then my Mom is coming about a week after DD will be born.

QUESTION: Is it rude to tell BIL & SIL to not bring their 3 kiddos to the hospital? I don't want to be rude, but they are germy little cesspools...they are ALWAYS SICK etc.? Or make them put hand sanitizer on and be done with it? They will bring the kiddos unless told not to, and then it will be an issue...

Sugarfeets · January 2014

Im currently in the laboring room with my little sister,her DH,my mom and I. She wants us to be here....im not sure if ill stay while Little dude is being born,but i might.

strawberrytree · January 2014

Our family doesn't live close enough to camp out at the hospital, but if they did, we probably wouldn't be calling people until after baby was here. After DS was born we had a wonderful hour of just me and DH marvelling at his tiny fingers and toes, doing skin to skin, nursing for the first time, getting weighed and cleaned up, etc before moving to our room where we had visitors (the next day...DS was born at night). Do you think you'd feel pressured to let people come in and meet LO before you had a chance to do all that if you knew they were all out there waiting?

Eta: Whatever decision you make, make it with YOUR comfort in mind, not your parents' or ILs'. You are the one going though labour and pushing out a baby so your feelings and comfort level are what matters here.

emh81 · January 2014

I'm not

we will call our families after the baby has made his arrival and we have had a little time as a family of 3. Honestly my MIL doesn't respect boundaries AT ALL and while she and others may have good intentions, we know what we want and selfishly I want to sit with my son and husband with no audience after he is born and hold him, nurse him, name him before we have to hand him around to the extended family. I would call my mom and tell her we were in labor or headed to the hospital but DH thinks it would be unfair to his mom and I'm ok with that.

All that aside, my best friend had 15 people in the waiting room and 4 in the delivery room with her. Her 10 hour labor was filled with friends and family coming and going and supporting her every step of the way. To her all of the people were a healthy distraction from the pain and she enjoyed sharing her beautiful little girl with her world as soon as the dr said it was safe to do so. It's all about what you and DH feel is right for you and your family. I agree 100% with pp about boundaries: if you establish them and you trust your family to respect them, then the choice to wait at home or in the waiting room is totally up to them. Whether you choose to share the excitement or save the surprise, it will be a happy day for all

lcr23 · January 2014

I planned on having DH call once the baby is here or very close - my sister did the same thing with her first. I mentioned it to my parents and they didn't like it so I figured ok, fine they can sit in the waiting room for hours if that's what they want to do. I made it very clear only DH would be in the delivery room so no issues there.

RedDawnsRevenge · January 2014

We never even thought to tell people we were in labour. It wasn't until the next morning with our emergency transfer to the hospital that family was made aware. It took hours for my parents to get there since they live at the coast and MIL and FIL sat in the waiting room. FIL has Alzheimer's and now is in a nursing home but at the time he just sat out in the lobby and was pleasantly confused. MIL on the other hand is a type A, OCD mother of one and TEXTED and CALLED DH the whole time. And when DH stopped answering she started calling me!!! Then after the c/s the ILs sat in my room and stated at me while I tried to BF.

So yeah, I would just be mum about it until you are ready for visitors... Or you go home.

joyfullyfound · January 2014

We told everyone flat out that we'd let them know when they could come to the hospital, and that it would be at least a few hours after the birth. In the end, I went into labour in the middle of the night, and we forgot to call anyone to tell them it was officially going down, so we only thought to call people maybe half an hour after she was born anyways! My parents and brother showed up within minutes, haha, but I think we'll do the same this time - not even tell them until it's already over.

misskristina21 · January 2014

We just told everyone no visitors. I did eventually change my mind, and MIL and my mom both came up. MIL left though, and my mom ended up in the waiting room during my c-section. This time nobody will be at the hospital until we are out of recovery and moved up to our mother and baby room. I don't think anyone will come though until the afternoon or early evening.

teachingmama11 · January 2014

This time my parents and/or sister will be watching DS for us, so they will get a call right away so they can come get him. They were all there waiting at the hospital last time, but I had a very long labor so it was nice to have the distraction of them being there (and we are very close/they are very good at respecting boundaries). My ILs drive me insane and don't respect boundaries or my wishes, so they will not be getting called until after she is here.

ksulli · January 2014

I don't think we said anything until morning (I went in close to midnight), and even then it was another 10 hours until she was born. They arrived before I was ready for guests and while dd was getting checked out (after we named her, snuggled her & nursed her), so DH took the parents out to dinner while I got settled in the pp room and spent some alone time with baby.

this time my ILs will watch dd, so they'll know when it starts, which means we'll call my parents too. They know how long it took last time though. Also, when grandparents arrive with dd, they'll have to wait while DH brings dd in to meet baby first. We're the new family, and extended family (grandparents) has to wait.

baileymama3 · January 2014

My mom is flying in around my due date (she may end up missing the birth altogether if I go early). It will be DH and I only in the L&D room at "push time".... We will call MIL and my best friend when I go into labor. They will drive to visit but not come in till baby is here. My mom will prob be in and out of room. Really not sure hospital policy-- haven't had tour yet!

Agree with all pp's-- don't call! What they don't know won't hurt them!

MalyJ · January 2014

I'm having a RCS and my parents will be watching DS. I want to be awake, alert, and able to enjoy the moment when DS meets his little brother for the first time. I had to lay flat on my back for several hours post surgery and do NOT want that to be me when DS (and my parents) come. I've told them, assuming my surgery is around 8 in the morning, my parents (who will be the first visitors) can come with DS some time late afternoon. It'll give DH and I time to bond with our new LO also.

Dixon813 · January 2014

csmily51 said:
We are going to let DH family (parents) come to the hospital while I'm in labor, but when it's time to push, etc, they are going to have to go to the waiting room/come back in a few hours. I want it to just be DH and I with our little girl for a while. My parents live out of state. We will call my Dad & let him know, he will drive, its 8.5 hrs, and then my Mom is coming about a week after DD will be born.

QUESTION: Is it rude to tell BIL & SIL to not bring their 3 kiddos to the hospital? I don't want to be rude, but they are germy little cesspools...they are ALWAYS SICK etc.? Or make them put hand sanitizer on and be done with it? They will bring the kiddos unless told not to, and then it will be an issue...

I don't think it's rude at all! You can always say it's hospital policy to not allow children under _____ near newborns.

beautifulstr13 · January 2014

I had a c-section so mine and DH's family all showed up around the time my surgery was supposed to start. Guess what, they ran three hours behind. So our families ended up just milling about the halls until time. My hospital lets the parents and baby have an hour of skin to skin and breast feeding before they allow any other people in the room so it was hours before they got to actually see me. I think a lot of families do that for the first kid. Now that we are on our second and someone has to take care of DS we plan on telling everyone just to visit either a few hours after she is born or the next day. My dad and DH's parents will probably come no matter what we say because they think they have to. I'm fine with that.

You just need to be firm with everyone and tell them you dont want any visitors until after the baby is born. If they get pissed then just dont call them until afterwards.

Kiahsimpson · January 2014

I will be induced, so my family will know when I'm at the hospital. My mom and DH will be in the room. DH and I have asked for an hour to ourselves after baby is born. Once he's born, my mom will be the one to call family and give the okay that they can come. By the time everyone gets there, our hour will be over and we will be ready for visitors. Like PPs have said, it's up to them if they want to come sit and wait. But that's our plan and we have let everyone know.

Sisimama10 · January 2014

csmily51 said:
We are going to let DH family (parents) come to the hospital while I'm in labor, but when it's time to push, etc, they are going to have to go to the waiting room/come back in a few hours. I want it to just be DH and I with our little girl for a while. My parents live out of state. We will call my Dad & let him know, he will drive, its 8.5 hrs, and then my Mom is coming about a week after DD will be born.

QUESTION: Is it rude to tell BIL & SIL to not bring their 3 kiddos to the hospital? I don't want to be rude, but they are germy little cesspools...they are ALWAYS SICK etc.? Or make them put hand sanitizer on and be done with it? They will bring the kiddos unless told not to, and then it will be an issue...

Kids under 12 usually aren't allowed in to the maternity ward unless they are a sibling.

MamaFantastic · January 2014

i didn't care who waited in the lobby (it ended up being dad, brother, inlaws). i never felt stress or pressure, and when my husband asked me if his parents could come in and say hi, i straight up told him no. i was naked, leaking amniotic fluid, and in the middle of transition. i have NO idea why he even asked! i didn't feel a lick of guilt saying no either. they ended up having to leave and drive home (4 hours away) about 6 hours before my son was born because they both had to work the following morning. they should've just waited to come, but oh well!

i think micromanaging who comes and sits in the lobby isn't worth the effort and stress. decide beforehand who you'll let into the room after the baby is born, and inform everyone who asks. i delivered at 2am, and the only non-medical people to witness it were my mom, my doula and my husband. my dad and brother, who were waiting at my house at that point, came in shortly thereafter and i was fine with it. nobody else came until the following day (a big crew from our church - but i definitely wanted them all there).

mammasuzelov · January 2014

I wish my mom could be here when I go into labor, but she's in Canada and I'm in Sweden and since we don't know when baby is coming, planning a trip is a bit difficult.
DH's parents live in the north but I wouldn't want them here anyways. Nor do I want any SIL's coming around. So it will be just DH and myself but damn I wish my mom would be there.

I plan on calling my mom because she can't be there and keeping her updated as much as possible. And one of my friends has offered to take our dog for us so we don't have to worry about our fur baby. I've told people to keep it off FB until we officially post something.

Sooooo much to think about!

LEIGHLOVE09 · January 2014

We didn't tell anyone with DD. I had her at 5am and called our families around 730-8 and they came up to visit around 10am. I didn't want the pressure of having anyone in hospital. This time my mom will watch DD for us so she will know and I want DD to be the first person to meet her sister so no visitors until after she meets her. I'm also hoping not too many of friends/family visit in hospital. It was so overwhelming last time and I barely had a chance to nurse DD which I'm
convinced contributed to her latching issues.

sherks11 · January 2014

I have been dreading this topic and dwelling on it for months. Since DH and I announced our pregnancy (1st) to our parents they have been begging to go to dr appointments, saying they will ALL be in the delivery room, and even that they would be video taping the whole thing. I have held my ground that the dr appointments are a no go for them and that there would be absolutely no videotaping in the delivery room. After so long of the parents pushing for video, DH started pushing for it too until I blew a gasket saying it was not his choice bc he's not the one open for everyone to see. I'm fine with pics AFTER but nothing during. Long story short, I have finally gotten the point across that my dad and ILs will definitely not be in the room but my mother doesn't get it. We don't have the best relationship - she is very pushy and her way is the only way. I just don't want to deal with that while I'm in labor... My compromise is to let her be in beforehand but as soon as the pushing starts, I want it to be just me and DH. I'm not sure how to break the news and do it in a nice way but also in a way that let's her know I'm not changing my mind... Don't get me wrong, I'm excited that everyone else is excited, but this also needs to be a time for us becoming a family and the last thing I want is to be uncomfortable when in labor! Anyone else having this issue????

katiedidthat · January 2014

I'm in the "don't stress over this" camp. If they want to come sit in the waiting room- let them. My parents came to the hospital because they wanted to be close if, heaven forbid, anything went wrong. I checked into the hospital at 11am, they got there at 1pm and DS wasn't born until 8am but they are grownups and can choose to sit/sleep in a waiting room if they wanted to.

chucko326 · January 2014

Before I was pregnant, I thought that I would be fine with a whole room full of people during the delivery (as long as everyone stayed away from staring into my vag). After being present for my SIL's labor (along with a several other family members, and 20 more in the waiting room), I am glad now that we live 11 hours away from our family and that when the day comes, it will just be me and DH there for the birth (and for several days afterward). I am happy that this will be just our memory - one we'll share, of course, but in the moment, it will just be ours. My MIL plans to come stay with us for 2 weeks, starting a few days after the birth, but I look forward to that because we have a very good relationship where I can tell her exactly what I need and want and she respects it (she is also a great cook).

cjpell0 · January 2014

Our hospital has a very strict visitor policy, our parents will have to essentially wait in the lobby of the hospital since there aren't really waiting areas set up for those in labor. No one except H will be allowed in the room while I'm in labor and then there's a 2 hour post-labor recovery period where they do skin to skin and mom/dad bonding time. They bring you to a different floor for recovery and at that time visitors can come between 1-8 (I think).

I had been stressing about it but, like others have said, if they want to sit in the lobby for hours so be it. My Mom lives a solid 2 hours away and H's parents are about 45 minutes so their call. There's also no chance in hell security would let them up without my ok so I'm just going to pretend like they aren't there and shut off all the phones.

rtv3 · January 2014

I'm going to call my mom and SIL when we head to the hospital. My mom will come in (she's a nurse on that floor so she'll be super helpful) and will leave when I start actually pushing. SIL will stay home, I just want her to be aware that it's starting cuz we're super close. After LO is born my mom will supervise getting my family there and SIL will supervise getting DH's family there, both not until DH and I have had a few hrs of alone time with our daughter

lcr23 · January 2014

ahoefling said:
I have been dreading this topic and dwelling on it for months. Since DH and I announced our pregnancy (1st) to our parents they have been begging to go to dr appointments, saying they will ALL be in the delivery room, and even that they would be video taping the whole thing. I have held my ground that the dr appointments are a no go for them and that there would be absolutely no videotaping in the delivery room. After so long of the parents pushing for video, DH started pushing for it too until I blew a gasket saying it was not his choice bc he's not the one open for everyone to see. I'm fine with pics AFTER but nothing during. Long story short, I have finally gotten the point across that my dad and ILs will definitely not be in the room but my mother doesn't get it. We don't have the best relationship - she is very pushy and her way is the only way. I just don't want to deal with that while I'm in labor... My compromise is to let her be in beforehand but as soon as the pushing starts, I want it to be just me and DH. I'm not sure how to break the news and do it in a nice way but also in a way that let's her know I'm not changing my mind... Don't get me wrong, I'm excited that everyone else is excited, but this also needs to be a time for us becoming a family and the last thing I want is to be uncomfortable when in labor! Anyone else having this issue????

A lot of hospitals don't allow videotaping during labor so blame it on them

NicoleAnne416 · January 2014

With my first, family was in the waiting room for hours. And when I say hours, I pushed for 5 hours after 13 of labor before that, they were there a good 7 I'm sure. I felt absolutely pressured, my epi was shut off for most of pushing, and I wish they had waited until morning (born at 2:30am). With my second, they all rushed over once she was born. This time, we will let them know when in labor to plan their day if they want to visit, but we want 3 hours alone before anyone comes to the hospital, including our own kids, who will be the first two to come in! Sorry grandparents, this isn't your first rodeo!

Luckie519 · January 2014

I can speak from experience with DS, that every single immediate family member (ILs, my mom, sister, cousins, grandmothers on both sides) showed up at the hospital. The night I checked in to be induced, our doctor told us to tell everyone that the baby wouldn't be there until at the very earliest noon the next day and not to bother even coming down.

My ILs lived 90 minutes away from the hospital and actually came that night and rented a hotel room, but they were at the hospital that night... like all the time. It wasn't so much them that got on my nerves and it was just the constant presence of people in the room. I couldn't sleep. If the doctor or nurse came in to discuss things with me and DH, people (my mom most specifically) would interrupt with her questions or talk over us or the doctor. I woke up a few times and my GMIL was standing over me, starting at me. At one point, we had like 10 people in the room and the nurse told me "I can be the bad guy, I can tell some to get out." I asked her to have some leave. I was so worried about hurting anyone's feelings that I let a lot of it go and it really effected the experience. Not this time!

My GMIL was also taking in appropriate pictures of me while in the room. I also had one request, and that was that no one ate in the room. I labored for over 32 hours and was starving, but people still kept bringing in food. It was so annoying.

This time around, it's me and DH. That's it. If people want to come in and see us after she is born, fine. But it isn't going to be a jam packed room. I also plan on BF and I am not wanting an audience for that either, especially in the beginning!

KatieKim0815 · January 2014

With my first, my in laws and parents were in the waiting room but my hubby was in teh room with me. Then they came in and met him when he was born! But itw as for a few minutes and there were no visiting hours so they went home. They all came the next day but most people only stay an hour or so. You don't want all day visitors! LOL!

RebeccaY1 · January 2014

We're not calling until after the baby is born. We'll wait until after we've had our skin to skin contact and relaxed before calling. I know everyone is excited, but we have to do what is right for us and not what is right for everyone else.

Jodash24 · January 2014

My partner and I are going to have to chat about this, I'd like to keep it a secret so we don't have constant txts and calls but we need someone to look after our son arrrgghhh need to sort this!

Cecilbear · January 2014

This may sound silly, but I'm really comforted by the idea of my mom in the waiting room should I need her. She's a really peaceful presence for me, but I know I'll do better with fewer people around me as I labor. Maybe it's selfish, but I know that if I ask my mom to be there, in case I need her, she would do it in a heartbeat.

J&NL · January 2014

I let my mom, my dad and XH in the room with me when I had DD. Dad wasn't supposed to stay during the delivery but he did, and I was okay with it because at the point I just wanted her out.

This time, we live 7 hours away so I'm not really sure if anyone will be able to make it. My mom insists on coming and so is DH's mom, so we will see if they will make it in time. If they do, then I will let them in the room because it only seems fair. I spoke with my mom about not stressing me out like she did last time and she says she won't so we will see.

I'm actually thinking about getting a doula because I want someone to be there to help support me during labor, in case DH has to watch over DD.

MadBloom · January 2014

I will have my DH and mother with me in the room. The ILs can wait in the lobby. My dad will most likely be there too but not in the room. I've already specifically told DH that his sisters are not welcome at the hospital at all because they will bring their children and they have no idea how to behave in public. The boys swear and get into full on fist fights and knock shit over so I'm not dealing with them. (Ages 7, 10, and 14) and the little girls are just too loud and like to scream!! (4 and 7). So no children or SILs allowed. My brother and his gf won't come but that's because babies freak them out lol. (They're like 20 and 22) so they will meet LO when I'm home.
I already suggested that we just call my parents on our way to the hospital and call everyone else after the fact but that was shot down by DH because he wants his parents there. Oh well lol

janellemj928 · January 2014

I actually told my MIL that she could come and she said she didn't want to intrude. My mom will be there, FIL and my dad have no interest until LO actually arrives, so they will come after. I think I'm actually a little disappointed that my MIL said she isn't going to plan on being there.

fourthnlast · January 2014

Hospital policy where I'm delivering is 2 people in the room during labor and 1 in the OR during the c-section. Depending on what time baby is born, the rest of the family can come during visiting hours.

jsoubel · January 2014

Don't call anyone until the baby is born. Don't tell them in advance that this is your plan. Boom! Dilemma solved.

JamiesWife2010 · January 2014

I was nervous about family being overbearing while I was in labor at the hospital. We called them around 5pm(after we had been there a couple hrs) and hoped they would't make the 1.5/2 hour drive to the hospital. Thankfully, we had our 1st visitors the next morning.

This time may be different since someone will have to be here to watch DS.

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