Follow Up to "how would A13 handle this??"............(long)

JBDamonM · January 2014

remeber this??

https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12211477/how-would-a13-handle-this-long#latest

Well, I put on my big girl pants yesterday and told my sister about our selection for godmother. Yeah, I knew this would not go over well, but I can safely say that nothing would prepare me for how it all went down.

An abbreviated backstory: Dh has 3 sisters (we'll call them 1,2 and 3)..... Well almost two years ago - my sister had a birthday party for her son (who is special needs - highly autistic)...Sisters 1 and 2 were invited to the party and both RSVPed yes. Sister 3 was not because her child is younger. (note: all sisters are friends with my sister). Well, Sister 2 found out sister 3 was not invited and got mad about it. So she bailed on the party but never told my sister. My sister emailed her, she didn't acknowledge it and that was the last time they spoke. I completely agree that DH's sisters behavior was far from perfect in this equation. HOWEVER. almost 2 years later my sister is STILL carrying on that this was a slap against her autistic son.....And how DH's sister shunned my nephew because he's autistic. This is a horrible position for DH and I to be in - no one should have to deal with such convoluted cross family dynamics.

Sister number 2 is our pick for godmother. Why you ask? because while I realize she did that to my sister, it doesnt change the fact that she has always been exteremely close with my husband, and frankly it doesn't change the fact that she is still family as well. She actually opened her home and let my husband live with her when he moved back here. She may have handled that one situation wrong, but she is typically a very selfless person. Additionally she's the only one in my husbands family who has never been named godmother, so this is the way things fell into place.

I knew this decision would not go over well. But I mistakingly thought my family was big enough that they could accept it..........WRONG.

Some highlights of my conversation with my sister yesterday. "You're a dsigrace to your family. Your husband is so controlling and you never speak up to him...." Ok. She also told me she would never be a godmother to any of your future kids, so don't bother asking. And she pointed out how she has given me thousands of dollars in hand me downs and lots of nice gifts for LO. (so apparently that was all part of a ploy to be godmother and not genuine). and then last night text me saying how she hopes I get a special needs child so I can see how bad it is. Nice. Classic. Thanks for that one sister. And of course, she won't come to the baptism.

My mother's reaction may have been worse. She tells me she's coming over to look me in the eye. And then starts sobbing asking me "how I could do this to our family"...... that's just it - this decision is not about OUR Family. IT's about MY family. This is the same losing battle I have ALL the time with my mom and sisters. She also tells me how she has concerns with my husband not being flexible enough for "my family" (mom and sisters).

My husband hears all of this and feel horrible. He reaches out to both my mom and sister explaining to them that he's sorry they are hurt but he would like the chance to talk to them in person about things. So here he is trying to make things right, and address their concerns before things can keep escalating. and what does he get? shunned by my sister (no surprise there) and my mom who won't agree to talk to him unless I am there too. Which disgusts me. Here is your son in law reaching out to try and remedy things and you can't even give him a half hour of your time.....I am so hurt by this, it's ridiculous. And the reason I don't want to go? I can't have a calm conversation with her. I have TONS of issues with her coddling my sister, enabling my sister and favoring my sister - all of which has been shown in the past 24 hours (for the umpteenth time). I am going to lose my shit on her (also for the umpteenth time) where my husband could go over and have a rational conversation which would probably have a helpful end result. The last thing I want is continued resentment for my husband from "my family".

I literally feel sick over all of this and can barely keep a dry eye. Deep down I think time will eventually heal all of this, but I"m sick of fighting a losing battle. I actually made an appointment with a therapist before all of this went down because I can't balance my family's expectations anymore. The therapist can't see me until Feb 4th.....which clearly can't come soon enough.

Rant over. Sorry for the long post.

Sol1790 · January 2014

Oh man I am so sorry. This is horrible. I have no advice but just want to tell you to keep your head up. You did nothing wrong. And they are blowing things out of proportion. I am so sorry. Creepy internet hugs.

Kate_C · January 2014

I cannot even imagine. I am so sorry. Really, you don't deserve to put up with that nonsense. God bless your husband for having your back while still trying to make peace with your family.

Creepy internet hugs. For real, your sister and mom are completely out of line on this. They owe you and your H an apology.

tondraluv · January 2014

O...M....G, I am so sorry that they reached that way. I so would not have expected that. Like you said the decision is for YOUR family at the end of the day so don't let them make you second guess your decision.

kgs0505 · January 2014

Ugh! I am so sorry! Clearly everyone has regressed to 12 years old (not you). Just don't respond to this insanity. Keep repeating that this was not only DH's decision, it was a decision you made together for the benefit of your family, not the benefit of them. End of story.

I might say once (because I might not be able to help myself), that if not being named god parent is this upsetting to them, and they rather be completely selfish and take this decision personally, and shun you, your DH and your baby, then so be it, but this is not up for negotiation.

Them blaming your DH for this is ridiculous. What they are saying about your DH being controlling, is exactly what they are trying to do to you, control you and your behaviors to align with what THEY want. Feb 4 is only 8 days away. Good luck ((hugs)).

JBDamonM · January 2014

Kate_C said:

I cannot even imagine. I am so sorry. Really, you don't deserve to put up with that nonsense. God bless your husband for having your back while still trying to make peace with your family. Creepy internet hugs. For real, your sister and mom are completely out of line on this. They owe you and your H an apology.

Honestly - if I ever doubted my husbands love for me he has proved me wrong in the past 24 hours. He is totally going to bat for me and frankly he is the only one. He is so concerned about trying to save things with my family that it's even more upsetting to watch him hurt by their reponses (or lack there of).

JBDamonM · January 2014

my mom is carrying on and on and on about "how she needs to understand this"...... WHY in gods name do I owe her an explanation???? This is so ridiculous. My issues with my family not respecting me go way deeper than I ever realized.

skidderdo · January 2014

Holy crap. Your mom and sister are f*ing narcissitic. Sorry but there's my knee jerk reaction to that shit-show! Honestly, for your own sanity, I would just move on... that is clearly not a battle you will ever win (getting mom/sister to understand). Why even spend the time/energy/frustration? You made the right decision for your family. Done. Moving on.
So sorry you had to go through that in the first place! Creepy internet hugs indeed, but for reals... this doesn't seem worth the tears and claws and gnashing of teeth!

JBDamonM · January 2014

cece2682 said:

So sorry! Family drama sucks. It sounds a little to me like your sister and mom secretly like the drama. I obviously don't know them so I may be wrong. But it's always a losing battle with people like that. What I didn't understand is why your sis felt that sis 2 not showing to the party was a dig against her son. Didn't she not go bc sis 3 wasn't invited? And why wasn't she invited? Just curious.

That is exactly what my husbands issue is. He can't stand that my sister walks around bashing her and making it about my nephew, when as my husband says "It was because she was mad that K (my sister) did not invite them all."

Sis 3 was not invited because she doesnt have children the same age. The party was at an inflatable place and her kid was too young. I agree that my SIL's should not have gotten so worked up about the entire thing...... BUT here we sit almost 2 years later and there is only one person who has not moved on....... My sister. and in turn my family.

I know it's best to ignore them and move on, but they are making me SO SAD with how they are treating me. when I think of them not being at LO's baptism because they can't respect a choice I made, it's just the ultimate insult. Especially to my daughter.

JordynLeighx3 · January 2014

Wow. Just wow. I've heard better arguments between 10 year olds. I can't believe you actually are dealing with this

I'm so sorry. You are SO not in the wrong here!

JSS1002 · January 2014

JBDamonM said:

remeber this??

https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12211477/how-would-a13-handle-this-long#latest

Well, I put on my big girl pants yesterday and told my sister about our selection for godmother. Yeah, I knew this would not go over well, but I can safely say that nothing would prepare me for how it all went down.

An abbreviated backstory: Dh has 3 sisters (we'll call them 1,2 and 3)..... Well almost two years ago - my sister had a birthday party for her son (who is special needs - highly autistic)...Sisters 1 and 2 were invited to the party and both RSVPed yes. Sister 3 was not because her child is younger. (note: all sisters are friends with my sister). Well, Sister 2 found out sister 3 was not invited and got mad about it. So she bailed on the party but never told my sister. My sister emailed her, she didn't acknowledge it and that was the last time they spoke. I completely agree that DH's sisters behavior was far from perfect in this equation. HOWEVER. almost 2 years later my sister is STILL carrying on that this was a slap against her autistic son.....And how DH's sister shunned my nephew because he's autistic. This is a horrible position for DH and I to be in - no one should have to deal with such convoluted cross family dynamics.

Sister number 2 is our pick for godmother. Why you ask? because while I realize she did that to my sister, it doesnt change the fact that she has always been exteremely close with my husband, and frankly it doesn't change the fact that she is still family as well. She actually opened her home and let my husband live with her when he moved back here. She may have handled that one situation wrong, but she is typically a very selfless person. Additionally she's the only one in my husbands family who has never been named godmother, so this is the way things fell into place.

I knew this decision would not go over well. But I mistakingly thought my family was big enough that they could accept it..........WRONG.

Some highlights of my conversation with my sister yesterday. "You're a dsigrace to your family. Your husband is so controlling and you never speak up to him...." Ok. She also told me she would never be a godmother to any of your future kids, so don't bother asking. And she pointed out how she has given me thousands of dollars in hand me downs and lots of nice gifts for LO. (so apparently that was all part of a ploy to be godmother and not genuine). and then last night text me saying how she hopes I get a special needs child so I can see how bad it is. Nice. Classic. Thanks for that one sister. And of course, she won't come to the baptism.

My mother's reaction may have been worse. She tells me she's coming over to look me in the eye. And then starts sobbing asking me "how I could do this to our family"...... that's just it - this decision is not about OUR Family. IT's about MY family. This is the same losing battle I have ALL the time with my mom and sisters. She also tells me how she has concerns with my husband not being flexible enough for "my family" (mom and sisters).

My husband hears all of this and feel horrible. He reaches out to both my mom and sister explaining to them that he's sorry they are hurt but he would like the chance to talk to them in person about things. So here he is trying to make things right, and address their concerns before things can keep escalating. and what does he get? shunned by my sister (no surprise there) and my mom who won't agree to talk to him unless I am there too. Which disgusts me. Here is your son in law reaching out to try and remedy things and you can't even give him a half hour of your time.....I am so hurt by this, it's ridiculous. And the reason I don't want to go? I can't have a calm conversation with her. I have TONS of issues with her coddling my sister, enabling my sister and favoring my sister - all of which has been shown in the past 24 hours (for the umpteenth time). I am going to lose my shit on her (also for the umpteenth time) where my husband could go over and have a rational conversation which would probably have a helpful end result. The last thing I want is continued resentment for my husband from "my family".

I literally feel sick over all of this and can barely keep a dry eye. Deep down I think time will eventually heal all of this, but I"m sick of fighting a losing battle. I actually made an appointment with a therapist before all of this went down because I can't balance my family's expectations anymore. The therapist can't see me until Feb 4th.....which clearly can't come soon enough.

Rant over. Sorry for the long post.

I am so sorry that this is going on. FWIW, I think that the only people not behaving like immature savages in this situation are you and DH. All the sisters and your mom need a healthy serving of "grow the hell up." I've never heard of ANYBODY making such a big deal out of being a godparent... and it isn't like you picked up some person off the street, you asked your SISTER IN LAW....

I wish I was there to give you a giant hug -- but I also hope that you and DH hold your heads high and know that you're absolutely doing what is best for your family. I'm super impressed that he offered to go over and talk to your mother -- that is something not every man would do... she is being foolish to not open herself up to that conversation / relationship.

Hugs to you.

JBDamonM · January 2014

@cece2682 - Let me just tell you that I am floored with my husband's behavior. In a good way. He's a hot head. I can't believe he is pushing so hard to try and make this right. This is a good reminder that he's probably a better man than I give him credit for and that he loves me more than I realize.

Sister 3 was upset - but she and my sister duked it out and have since moved on. And that's the other thing - I know sister 2 doesn't harbor any resentment..... IT's just my sister that cant let go. And while I am not looking for excuses for their behavior - I did point out in my original thread that this all happened right after my FIL passed away unexpectedly. SIL 2 (godmother) had some serious resenment issues after that happened. Again, she could have handled the situation better but my sister should keep things in context before carrying on and on and on for almost two years that she punished her special needs son.

JBDamonM · January 2014

I just wrote my sister an email.

I told her I am not going back and forth with her insults...... And I don't expect her to agree with my decision but I hope she can accept it. And then I explained to her that even though she is hurt by SIL, this is still my husbands sister, she is family, she has and always has have had a close relationship with my husband and that she has done a lot for my husband along the way. Given that she's family I can't singlehandedly form my opinion of her based on the birthday party incident. There's a whole other half I deal with. Lastly I told her I don't need anyone to question me on the things I comprimise on in my marriage, the same way I would NEVER question them.

The gist of this email is: "I'm not going to go back and forth on this, and I"m going to keep defending myself." You can either stew over it until you come to accept it or cut me out of your life, punish my child, and feel ok about it. Ultimately the choice is hers.

JSS1002 · January 2014

JBDamonM said:

I just wrote my sister an email.

I told her I am not going back and forth with her insults...... And I don't expect her to agree with my decision but I hope she can accept it. And then I explained to her that even though she is hurt by SIL, this is still my husbands sister, she is family, she has and always has have had a close relationship with my husband and that she has done a lot for my husband along the way. Given that she's family I can't singlehandedly form my opinion of her based on the birthday party incident. There's a whole other half I deal with. Lastly I told her I don't need anyone to question me on the things I comprimise on in my marriage, the same way I would NEVER question them.

The gist of this email is: "I'm not going to go back and forth on this, and I"m going to keep defending myself." You can either stew over it until you come to accept it or cut me out of your life, punish my child, and feel ok about it. Ultimately the choice is hers.

GOOD. FOR. YOU.

JBDamonM · January 2014

@jss1002 - she already wrote me back and said how she's done more for my daugher in ten months than I have ever done for her kids. (BULLSHIT - I have taken her children SEVEN times overnight, including an entire weekend where she left her son with me knowing he was sick).....

Then she said how my decision hurts her son (of course it does...)

And that her husband can not accept my decision either. Give me a fucking break.

JSS1002 · January 2014

JBDamonM said:

@jss1002 - she already wrote me back and said how she's done more for my daugher in ten months than I have ever done for her kids. (BULLSHIT - I have taken her children SEVEN times overnight, including an entire weekend where she left her son with me knowing he was sick).....

Then she said how my decision hurts her son (of course it does...)

And that her husband can not accept my decision either. Give me a fucking break.

Well, their loss then. I wouldn't even dignify that email with a response.

JSS1002 · January 2014

JSS1002 said:

JBDamonM said:

@jss1002 - she already wrote me back and said how she's done more for my daugher in ten months than I have ever done for her kids. (BULLSHIT - I have taken her children SEVEN times overnight, including an entire weekend where she left her son with me knowing he was sick).....

Then she said how my decision hurts her son (of course it does...)

And that her husband can not accept my decision either. Give me a fucking break.

Well, their loss then. I wouldn't even dignify that email with a response.

Actually, what hurts her son is seeing his mother behave like a 12 year old, and depriving him of a relationship with his aunt and cousin.

Kate_C · January 2014

Whaaaa? How does the godparent of your daughter have anything to do with her kid? Has nothing to do with the price of tea in China as my grandmother would have said.

She clearly just wants to be mad, even though her reaction makes exactly zero logical sense - especially after you explained your choice to her. Now you can stop engaging her in the drama and move on with celebrating the great family you have built with your husband!

JBDamonM · January 2014

She also tells me how her family will not be at the reception following the baptism, and her kids won't be at any of it. Since my in - laws can't deal with her sons abnormal behavior, she is not going to put him in a position to be made fun of.

This is total BS seeing as my in-laws included one of my SIL's sisters family for easter who have TWO autistic children.

This is also BS because I know for a fact (given other comments she has made along the way) that her kids would only be there if she was godmother. So she can use this one to play into that and look like the victim, but like I said - I KNOW what her plan was all along.

JSS1002 · January 2014

JBDamonM said:

She also tells me how her family will not be at the reception following the baptism, and her kids won't be at any of it. Since my in - laws can't deal with her sons abnormal behavior, she is not going to put him in a position to be made fun of.

This is total BS seeing as my in-laws included one of my SIL's sisters family for easter who have TWO autistic children.

This is also BS because I know for a fact (given other comments she has made along the way) that her kids would only be there if she was godmother. So she can use this one to play into that and look like the victim, but like I said - I KNOW what her plan was all along.

Again, their loss.

MrsP7309 · January 2014

Wow. I'm sorry your family is being so immature about this.

burneyonboard · January 2014

clgsquared said:
You do what is right for your family and your child. Boundaries are so good and it sounds like you have them. Continue the good fight and realize that families are so challenging. As long as you can lay your head down at night knowing your side of the street is clean, that's all that matters. You can't control anyone else but you.

This. Sorry you have to go through this. Your sister needs to realize that even though she is not a godparent she is still an aunt. I hope she sees her wrong and repairs your relationship soon.

kgs0505 · January 2014

Ugh! Your sister needs to STFU and stop using her son as an excuse for everything that's wrong in her life. His autism is not the cause of her not being a godparent. If his presence makes others uncomfortable, that's their problem, not his or hers. She needs a serious reality check that it's her own behavior, not that of her son that is causing her problems. I can't stand being around people who like to blame everyone else for their problems rather than ever take a look at themselves. I agree with PP, don't dignify her response with another one. It's not worth it.

I know you are hurting right now, and this really sucks, but you will get through it.

kcatboston · January 2014

burneyonboard said:

You do what is right for your family and your child. Boundaries are so good and it sounds like you have them. Continue the good fight and realize that families are so challenging. As long as you can lay your head down at night knowing your side of the street is clean, that's all that matters. You can't control anyone else but you.
This. Sorry you have to go through this. Your sister needs to realize that even though she is not a godparent she is still an aunt. I hope she sees her wrong and repairs your relationship soon.

This! I don't understand the whole godparent drama. At the end of the day she is still an Aunt and has an important role in your child's life. If your child needs advice/guidance is she really going to walk away and say sorry I can't help you I'm not your godparent. And anybody who can't put a child's interest ahead of their own clearly isn't godparent material in the first place. Sorry you have to deal with such drama around what should be a happy & peaceful event.

skidderdo · January 2014

JBDamonM said:
@jss1002 - she already wrote me back and said how she's done more for my daugher in ten months than I have ever done for her kids. (BULLSHIT - I have taken her children SEVEN times overnight, including an entire weekend where she left her son with me knowing he was sick).....

Then she said how my decision hurts her son (of course it does...)

And that her husband can not accept my decision either. Give me a fucking break.

Don't respond. Conversation is over. This was a decision, not a debate

lilbit0910 · January 2014

WOW i can not believe they reacted that way. Scares me to have to break the same news to come loved ones in my life.. hope it doesnt go over as bad

JBDamonM · January 2014

I want to thank each and every one of you who not only took the time to read this book of a post, but also respond.

This has been so upsetting for me. (although I couldn't be happier with my husband - and that part is a blessing)...... and I appreciate all of the support and encouragement.

Aisak · January 2014

What the what??? I'm so sorry. This crap is so hurtful when there's a baby involved. We're dealing with some similar BS:
My MIL and DH got into an argument a month before I finally got pregnant. His parents have yet to meet DD as MIL is still all mad/playing the victim even though DH has apologized. And they go running down to Florida to visit their two other grandchildren every chance they get.
I'd have I agree with what others have said: conversation is over. Your sister and mom need to get a grip. Hugs.

JBDamonM · January 2014

Not that anyone cares persay - but it's so outrageous that it makes me feel better to share. the latest:

DH and I went to my moms yesterday. We spent an hour and a half talking to her trying to explain that my sister claiming that her issues with my SIL are based on her sons illness are outrageously wrong. And tried to explain to her how ridiculous my sister is, how full of anger she is and how mean she's been. We also told my mom that we sould sit down with my sister and BIL and have the same discussion (about her issues with my SIL). All in all I thought it went quite well, although my husband agreed at the time he has since gotten hung up on a few things that were said. In invited my mom and stepdad over Saturday night for dinner, my mom called back last night and instead asked if her and I could do something during the day. I'm doubly annoyed by this because I think the real reason she said NO is because she's helping my sister that night since her husband is out of town. (and I told my mom I'm sick of being second fiddle to my sister, but hiding this is even more messed up.)...... and because selfishly I don't want to give up my day Saturday.

This morning I got a text from my sister. HEr family will come to the baptism but only because she's teaching her kids to always do the right thing. I am dead to her. Don't hug her and don't ask her for a picture. This really set me off.......... Get the fuck over it already.

JBDamonM · January 2014

oh and she also said no sit down chat with me and DH will change anything.....

Kate_C · January 2014

JBDamonM said:
oh and she also said no sit down chat with me and DH will change anything.....

Well, she has made it clear that you are free to cut ties and move on. You don't need to torture yourself to fix an unfixable relationship with a toxic person. If she wants to mend fences in the future, she can come to you. You've done everything reasonable to address this. You can be pleasant at necessary family gatherings and leave it at that. Done.

Aprilbaby49 · January 2014

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Don't have any advice but hoping that things resolve and work out with all families involved. I'm sure you're sister is offended and upset but your own sister "saying how she hopes I get a special needs child so I can see how bad it is" is beyond horrible. I would never wish that on anybody especially family.

If your husband tried to reach out to your sister and mother and they rejected his attempt, that's on them. Hopefully they just need to let the news settle in and you can all have a good conversation about your choice when things are less heated.

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