How Would A13 handle this (Long) !?!?!?

JBDamonM

I need some insight ladies! Really hoping you can pull through for me

So DH and I still have not baptized LO. I know that's awful, but there is a plethora of reasons that lead to this. One of them being the ridiculous godparent debate. Between the two of us we have 5 sisters..... way too many candidates, and in the end you know there is going to be disapointment.

Well, I was REALLY pushing for DH to pick one godparent and for me to pick the other. He was really pushing for a set from one family for this child, and the other family for number 2..... Last week I posted about how DH and I were having a horrible argument. Well after days of (not so effective) communication he finally admitted that he's really upset with me because he feels I always choose my family over him. He thinks I worry more about upsetting and offending them then I do about what he wants and feels. Of course the godparent debate is part of this. He really feels as though his sister and brother in law should be LO's godparents because they have been the most helpful since she came along and have put forth the most effort.  These are all fair points.

So I decided that I would be OK with waiting to have my family as both godparents for our second child (good lord willing we have one) and giving his family this one. I have realized how important this is to DH and truthfully the main focus here is LO and while I do think there could be better picks within his family, I understand why he wants them and at the end of the day I think they will be very good to LO, which is what most important.

What do I need help with? I am SICK about having to explain this to my family. I literally laid awake for 2 hours last night. I HATE that I feel this way. At the end of the day I am a grown up, and I am a mom and wife first, a daughter and sister second, and in other words I should not have to go on the defense and justify my decision, but I know I will and I know they won't agree.

It's a little more convoluted though. DH and I actually met through our sisters, which you think would be awesome, but it's not - mixing friends into family has been very detrimental. My sister and his sister who he has chosen had a huge falling out last year....which is why I do feel bad about having to tell her this is whom we've chosen. Additionally this same sister did not talk to us my entire pregnancy. This has been a huge stumbling point in me agreeing to this. I have forgiven but I have not forgotten, it still upsets me - but at the same time I do understand the reasons DH wants these two godparents and am willing to oversee the past based on how great they have been since LO arrived. And while I don't want to make excuses for her godawful behavior - I will say that DH's father passed suddenly in his sleep last year and I do think she was having a very hard time accepting it and was angry at the world. (both the not talking to us, and the fall out with my sister happened in the months following his death).

So - my question to you ladies, how would you handle telling your sister? I feel horrible that my decision is going to hurt someone's feelings. I worry about her reaction and I worry about the fall out, but as my husband pointed out - I can't keep making my decisions based on them.  And to clarify even though my SIL has been the most helpful since LO was born, my sister has also been good. She however has a special needs child whereas SIL doesn't work - the time and ability to help is just not apples to apples. So telling her that the decision is based on who has been the most helpful is not applicable.

I want to write an email (only bc I can articulate my thoughts much better in writing than on the phone which I am almost positive will lead to an argument) and then follow it up with a call but is that too tacky?

I would love to hear your thoughts on what you would say....UGH. this SUCKS.

ceamac0127

Can you ask friends or would your family be even more upset with that decision? I know a few friends that have big families that just ask their closest friends. Godparents are supposed to be the people in your life that will help lead your child on a religious path and help guide them on their spiritual journey and sometimes family isn't the best for that job

JBDamonM

cmcmillan0901 said:

Can you ask friends or would your family be even more upset with that decision? I know a few friends that have big families that just ask their closest friends. Godparents are supposed to be the people in your life that will help lead your child on a religious path and help guide them on their spiritual journey and sometimes family isn't the best for that job

My husband and I talked about this option as well, but at the end of the day it made me feel worse. With so many candidates within the family I thought it would be more offensive to go outside.

And sorry - I know candidates isn't the best word but you guys get the point.

Sol1790

I think you should talk to her in person. That beats an email and a phone call on my book. Because she can see how troubled you are by this. Also I think there is a bond between sisters and she will understand. Maybe your too worried. You just have to find the right words and the right time and everything will work out. Best of luck!

JSS1002

So, first off, you have to decide what Godparent means to you.  In my family, it means that should something happen to DH and I, the baby would go live with their Godparents.  That is how I was raised.  So to me, Godparents have always been a married couple.  But I know not everybody feels that way -- to some, it means that they have the role of religious upbringing / education, so then it doesn't really matter whether it is a couple, just as long as they will teach about religion in a way you're comfortable with.

I think a couple of things here:

1) you don't actually owe anybody an explanation on ANY of this.  

2) If you do think you need to explain, I think what you said above is perfect -- the other family has more time / resources and that with kid #2 someday, you hope to be able to ask somebody from your side of the family.

3) I know this is a really big deal to some people and families but to some people it realy isn't -- like me!  I was not asked to be the godparent of my niece or nephew, and it didn't bother me in the least -- and I am my brothers only sibling and we are CLOSE!   So maybe your sister will not take it as seriosuly as you are anticipating.

We haven't baptized LO either and don't really plan to, so please don't beat yourself up for that.  

JBDamonM

melandjames14 said:

I would talk it out. It'll hurt her, but she has to understand that it is hard for you too. And it's ok to admit that. There has to be a give and take in relationships and this time it's your husbands turn. Maybe think of it as confiding in your sister about something you're struggling with instead of as delivering her bad news.

This is SO well said.

My family is just really hard. I know they will still come back and say something along the lines of it's always his turn. Which is not true. I mean DD's middle name is after MY grandmother who he barely even knew. But this is my family. The same people that can't accept the fact that we break out the holidays to spend Christmas day with his family and not mine instead of rotating each year.

none5

We did friends because we didn't want to choose between the four brothers. I was still nervous to tell my brother, but in the end he didn't mind at all. I made a bigger deal out of it than it was.

JBDamonM

cece2682 said:

I totally understand you wanting to write an email first. Although some would say it is not the way to approach this type of situation, I too express myself much better in writing, and I feel as long as you follow up shortly after with a phone call or meet face to face, which I think is a good thing to do here, I think it is fine. It may also give your sister the time to sit and read quietly and have time to hear you out as opposed to face to face getting all upset at the first mention of the conversation. You're in a pretty sticky situation but your family has to understand that you aren't making this decision to hurt them in any way and it does not in any way express that you don't think they too would make wonderful godparents, but that you and your husband made a decision that was best for YOUR family. At the end of the day, if you and your husband are both comfortable with this decision, then that's really all that matters. Your sisters may be hurt but they will get over it and move on I'm sure. And family loves no matter what, so if this causes some major issue, that's on them. They have to respect your decisions, they don't have to like them. If it makes you feel any better, we never baptized LO, not for the same reasons ( I'm Christian, dh is catholic) but we couldn't decide who his godparents would be and I still don't know who I would choose if I had to. Do you absolutely need godparents? Why's the rule there? Can you have two sets? Problem solved! You're welcome! Hahaha sorry if I wasn't much help...just be confident in your decision and make sure YOU are happy with it, everyone else needs to be a grown up and respect it

So seriously, I am ready to leave the catholic church. This is my issue with them - I think the whole godparent concept (and I can only speak to the catholic church role) is a crock. IT's old school like so many of their other "rules". I would never expect LO's godparents to raise her if soemthing happened to us... I feel like it's nothing more than a label - which reasults in hurt, salty feelings by those not chosen. And while I never asked I am sure they would not let us have two sets. They are way too rigid for that.

JBDamonM

JSS1002 said:

So, first off, you have to decide what Godparent means to you.  In my family, it means that should something happen to DH and I, the baby would go live with their Godparents.  That is how I was raised.  So to me, Godparents have always been a married couple.  But I know not everybody feels that way -- to some, it means that they have the role of religious upbringing / education, so then it doesn't really matter whether it is a couple, just as long as they will teach about religion in a way you're comfortable with.

I think a couple of things here:

1) you don't actually owe anybody an explanation on ANY of this.  

2) If you do think you need to explain, I think what you said above is perfect -- the other family has more time / resources and that with kid #2 someday, you hope to be able to ask somebody from your side of the family.

3) I know this is a really big deal to some people and families but to some people it realy isn't -- like me!  I was not asked to be the godparent of my niece or nephew, and it didn't bother me in the least -- and I am my brothers only sibling and we are CLOSE!   So maybe your sister will not take it as seriosuly as you are anticipating.

We haven't baptized LO either and don't really plan to, so please don't beat yourself up for that.  

That's the irony - it's not a big deal to me either. It's a stupid label, which results in hurt feelings by those not asked.. I don't feel like it's anything else.

But my sister is negative  - if there is a reason to be mad, I am willing to bet she will take it.

JSS1002

JBDamonM said:

cece2682 said:

I totally understand you wanting to write an email first. Although some would say it is not the way to approach this type of situation, I too express myself much better in writing, and I feel as long as you follow up shortly after with a phone call or meet face to face, which I think is a good thing to do here, I think it is fine. It may also give your sister the time to sit and read quietly and have time to hear you out as opposed to face to face getting all upset at the first mention of the conversation. You're in a pretty sticky situation but your family has to understand that you aren't making this decision to hurt them in any way and it does not in any way express that you don't think they too would make wonderful godparents, but that you and your husband made a decision that was best for YOUR family. At the end of the day, if you and your husband are both comfortable with this decision, then that's really all that matters. Your sisters may be hurt but they will get over it and move on I'm sure. And family loves no matter what, so if this causes some major issue, that's on them. They have to respect your decisions, they don't have to like them. If it makes you feel any better, we never baptized LO, not for the same reasons ( I'm Christian, dh is catholic) but we couldn't decide who his godparents would be and I still don't know who I would choose if I had to. Do you absolutely need godparents? Why's the rule there? Can you have two sets? Problem solved! You're welcome! Hahaha sorry if I wasn't much help...just be confident in your decision and make sure YOU are happy with it, everyone else needs to be a grown up and respect it

So seriously, I am ready to leave the catholic church. This is my issue with them - I think the whole godparent concept (and I can only speak to the catholic church role) is a crock. IT's old school like so many of their other "rules". I would never expect LO's godparents to raise her if soemthing happened to us... I feel like it's nothing more than a label - which reasults in hurt, salty feelings by those not chosen. And while I never asked I am sure they would not let us have two sets. They are way too rigid for that.

I'm not Catholic and this is how I was raised - if something happened to my parents, I would have gone to my godparents.  

ceamac0127

JSS1002 said:

So, first off, you have to decide what Godparent means to you.  In my family, it means that should something happen to DH and I, the baby would go live with their Godparents.  That is how I was raised.  So to me, Godparents have always been a married couple.  But I know not everybody feels that way -- to some, it means that they have the role of religious upbringing / education, so then it doesn't really matter whether it is a couple, just as long as they will teach about religion in a way you're comfortable with.

This is so very true. In my family, a Godparent is someone who is a religious influence in your life. It has nothing to do with guardianship

JBDamonM

cmcmillan0901 said:

JSS1002 said:

So, first off, you have to decide what Godparent means to you.  In my family, it means that should something happen to DH and I, the baby would go live with their Godparents.  That is how I was raised.  So to me, Godparents have always been a married couple.  But I know not everybody feels that way -- to some, it means that they have the role of religious upbringing / education, so then it doesn't really matter whether it is a couple, just as long as they will teach about religion in a way you're comfortable with.

This is so very true. In my family, a Godparent is someone who is a religious influence in your life. It has nothing to do with guardianship

Since no one in our family is religious and we are not viewing the godparent like a guardian - DH and I based it on who has put forth the best effort to form a special relationship with DD.

I actually have a twin sister - many people would think she would be my natural choice - but she has really not shown much of an interest in DD. So, she was never even considered...

melissad23

We baptized DD Greek Orthodox to appease my in-laws.  Her godfather is really mostly in name only, as a "spiritual advisor" if even that.  Before Maddie was born, (when we were doing our will), we asked my sister if she would be her guardian if God forbid anything happen.  So for us - it's 2 completely separate things.

And like you, I am much better able to write out my feelings - but I think an email might be a bit callous if she is so negative and sensitive.  I might still write it all out, but go to lunch or something and give her a note.  And then you can talk about it after she reads it??

Good luck.

Kate_C

Lots of great advice from PP. Honestly it sounds like she is apt to be upset regardless of how diplomatically you handle it. So maybe focus more on preparing yourself for it so you don't get so upset in response?

Like melandjames said, this is about a compromise for your marriage. Have faith you're making the best decision for your circumstances and try not to let your family bring you down!

It does suck that the Catholic Church won't let you have two god mothers or fathers - has to be one of each. We asked because wanted to use my sister and DH's sister, but no dice.

JSS1002

cece2682 said:

I like what my church does much better for many reasons. We have a dedication. The pastor prays over the baby and family and it's a public way of professing that you are raising your child in the ways of god. No godparents, no stress. Still haven't done that either though because we haven't taken LO to many public places (vaccines delayed). But I do plan on doing that in the future.

That's what my brother and SIL did too, in the privacy of their own home, with close friends and family present and I thought it was really nice.

MKC12/22/2006

Do you have to choose just two godparents? We chose four; my brother and I both have four. We purposely have two from each side. The funny thing is, my brother and I have different godparents, but one of the four in each case isn't in our family anymore- so 4 is kind of nice in that regard.

We did no explaining to anyone regarding our decision.

PepperBug

For godparents, if we were to raise our kids Christian, we would have gone with friends of outs who are particularly religious and we were sure would have been good for our kids should they need religious guidance. I wouldn't have explained it to anyone, but had they asked, I would have given that as the reason. And I'm pretty sure my family would have understood since we weren't picking based on relationship, what others did for us, etc.

We selected an entirely different friend as guardian for our kids should anything happen to them. She is not married but has a son from a previous relationship and raises him exactly the way we would raise our own kids. Should anyone in my family ever ask, I will also explain that it was nothing personal, but they raise their kids differently than we would and we thought this person was a better match.

If anyone takes these things personally, they are really being childish. I would just say, if asked, that you can't always choose your family first, and you decided to give this one to your husband, and you will choose someone in your family next time around.

kgs0505

My two cents.  I agree with the PP that said you don't owe anyone an explanation of your choice period.

 I know it's really hard to worry about offending your family.  You have been raised with them and are close to them.  But fact of the matter is, you have your own little family now, and their feelings and priorities should be more important than anyone else's feelings.  You are a grown up now and need to make decisions based on your own new nuclear family and not your old nuclear family. 

Sometimes there is just no way to make a decision without offending someone.  It just happens, and if they refuse to deal with stuff like this like the adults they are, or respect you as an adult, well, too bad.  Sorry if I seem harsh, but I never allowed my family's feelings make decisions for me or my kids.  I have way too many family members and if I worried about them every time, I'd never do anything.

Good luck.  Sometimes we think the reaction will be worse than it is by "pre-worrying". 

skidderdo

Life is all about balance and give/take... this decision needs to be about what is best for YOUR family (ie: you, DH, and LO)... not what your family thinks is best. I would just emphasize that the whole family can be instrumental is helping to raise your child... everyone can be a role model and a spiritual guide... honestly the title is just a title at the end of the day when you think about it.

arschm02

I guess if I were talking to my sisters about this #1- I don't think either sister would care. They are still an aunt and that is also a very important role #2- if I felt the need to explain I would just say, "DH and I talked about it and he is picking the godparents this time around. I will pick them next time around." That way, she knows it's not personal, it's just the facts of the situation.