emotional

BbyCarter13 · January 2014

I am going to preface this by saying it will probably be emotional.

I don't know how to feel. I feel blank. I don't want to think about the accident. I don't what to talk about. I don't want to answer the question "how are you?" every time someone looks at me. I've avoided going out in public for the last 4 days. I had to Saturday to look at a car but I didn't get anywhere people would know me. I live in a small community so people talk and once the media gets something it spreads like wildfire. There are so many rumors going around. They are saying I was on drugs or drinking; they say I was texting; they've even gone as far to say that I have a mental problem. None of it is true but my reputation has already took the hit. I know it has. I really hate having people talk about me. I didn't go to church yesterday because I couldn't handle having everyone talk about it or ask me about it. I know people mean well but for some reason it make me mad when they say they are thinking about me or that they are there if I want to talk. I guess I feel like they are pushing me. I guess it bothers me because it means that they haven't forgot about it. I want them to forget it and move on. I don't want to be plagued by this. I feel like I can't catch a break. The past 14-15 months have been awful. First, I get knocked up by a POS and he leaves me. Then, Ellie is born with a heart defect. Then, surgery. Now, this. I can't handle it. WHen can I move past this awful time in my life? When can I be happy again and not have to worry about what devastating thing will happen next?

E has been the only reason I have got out of bed the last few days. If it wasn't for her I would probably not have got out of bed or ate anything over the last few days. Everything I eat makes me nausous. It's like first trimester all over again. It's so hard to put on a happy face, even for E. And my patience with her has been so short. I want to yell and scream at her but I know that would only make things worse. I got so close just giving up the other night when she wouldn't sleep. I just wanted to hand her to someone else and walk away. far away.

Today is my first day back to work and I feel like I'm going to break down at any moment. I am so irritable and moody. I can't help but snap at people. I don't mean to, it just comes out. I don't know what to do. Or say. Or how to feel. I'm so emotional. I can't handle it. I don't like being emotional. I just want to crawl in a corner and cry.

Sorry, if you read all that. I just really needed to get it all off my chest before I bust.

ASmallWonder · January 2014

I am SO SO sorry. It's awful that people are talking about you and I can totally understand how even well meaning questions are hurtful and bothersome right now. I can't say it strongly enough- you need someone to talk to! You've been through so much and counseling - even if it's just to give yourself a chance to unload on someone - can really help. It's amazing how much a good vent session with a listening ear can help. Are you able to do that? Do you have friends or family nearby who can take E for a whole day and night so you can just have some you time to breakdown and pick up the pieces? Big creepy e hugs.

NicoleReed0324 · January 2014

I totally agree with @elmoali I am so sorry you are going through all of this. You have amazing strength.

BbyCarter13 · January 2014

Thank you ladies. I am trying to look into counseling but I have to find someone that my insurance will cover that is accepting new patients. I know I need it but it's probably going to be a week or so before I can get into it. Mom and Sis have been really good about taking care of E for me. And she went to the sitters on Thursday and Friday because I just could handle taking care if her.

Maelara · January 2014

I am so sorry you have to go through this. Those things people are saying is bullshit and unfair. You and your circle know better though. Good luck finding a counsellor. You can vent here in the meantime if you need!

mommakristydawn · January 2014

I am so sorry you have to go through all of this. I to come from a small town and I know the rumor's all to well. I hope things improve for you and your little Ellie. She is such a doll.

HeartLikeMine3 · January 2014

PP have covered it all. I just want to say how sorry I am that you have had such a rough time for over a year. I hope you get into see a counselor soon and can start feeling truly happy again. Screw what everyone else is saying your such a strong mommy to E and that's all that really matters. Hugs

Jillsee · January 2014

Agree with all the PP. Just wanted to send my support. I am so sorry you are having to deal with one thing after the next. You and E are in my prayers.

BbyCarter13 · January 2014

Thank you ladies. It means so much to me that you all care so much. I finally found a counselor today and made an appointment for tomorrow. It's an office that hosts interns and I can see one of them for a greatly reduced price. If they think I should speak to one of the licensed therapist, we can go forth and set that up. If I can get the doctor (from my ER follow up)to write orders on Thursday then my auto insurance will cover it since I'm having difficulties with my health insurance.

Today was really hard. I almost broke down several times at work. I've held it together so far but I can feel the feel the edge it near. I'm just hoping I can hold out an hour or so longer until Ellie goes to bed. She was in a really goo mood this afternoon and that helped me some but it's only temporary.

SummerSnow11 · January 2014

Lots of hugs momma. You are so strong, and you will soon be able to talk to someone at your appointment. Many well wishes to you.

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