Niece shower update

lellymine · January 2014

We had our gender reveal with our families tonight (yay for a girl!!) and my showers were starting to be planned by my side while we were eating so I thought it'd be a good time to talk to MIL about the joint shower. We asked the adults on DH's side to stay behind after my family left and I explained my concerns about the joint shower and said I'd prefer not to. MIL kind of threw a fit but SIL came to a compromise. We're each getting our own shower but they want me to co-host her shower. I'm not overly thrilled about it (because of the adoption issue) but I'm trying to be supportive.

So my question is should her a shower be similar to one I'd throw for an adult, sit down meal and no games? Or do I cater it more to her younger crowd and do an open house style with lots of games? A large amount of guests will be her and the boyfriend's friends and his younger sisters so many 15-17 yr olds. Any ideas to make it enjoyable for all ages? I'm probably posting this on the shower board too but I'd like input from you guys as well since you know the whole thing. Thanks!

bebemac · January 2014

I'm so glad you guys spoke up and you are getting your own shower - this is such great news! Are you obligated to co-host? I wouldn't even want to do that.

I don't have any ideas on a teen baby shower, but I think the ideas you have are a good start!

lellymine · January 2014

bebemac said:
I'm so glad you guys spoke up and you are getting your own shower - this is such great news! Are you obligated to co-host? I wouldn't even want to do that.

I don't have any ideas on a teen baby shower, but I think the ideas you have are a good start!

I'm not really obligated but I think it's important to my SIL that I do it. I thought that by doing this it'll remove some of the bitter taste in my mouth over the whole thing and letting her know I love her no matter what. I just want to get back to my niece and I having a good relationship and I hope this will help.

MrsAMB07 · January 2014

I'm glad that you came to a compromise and that you're okay with it. It's kind of odd that it's important to your SIL that you're hosting a shower for HER daughter. That seems like a lot of nerve to me. Your MIL was going to host a joint one, but she's not only not offering to host one for her own daughter, but feels you should?

LEO2010 · January 2014

I definitely don't think I would do a sit down meal and no games shower... She is young so it seems to me she would enjoy the whole cheesy cheese shower- guessing the belly with toilet paper and playing the clothespin game. I don't think she would appreciate a classy grown up affair and it would cost you a lot more money to do it that way. I would go for some kind of buffet- maybe a brunch or something- depending on what she likes. Brunches always seems classier than like a pizza, apps buffet to me so that way you would be getting a little bit of what you like but still getting the real shower experience. I echo what pp said- eat, cheesy games, gifts, goodbye!

On another note- I find it incredibly insulting that your MIL threw a bit of a fit and your SIL "compromised" by requiring you to throw a shower. You are freaking pregnant!?!? Don't they know that? Why would you need to spend the extra money and stress to do all that right now? Boo to them- they don't seem very considerate. However, you are one classy broad for taking it in stride and using it as an opportunity to get closer with your niece and inlaws. Kudos to you- I wouldn't be that nice. I hope they realize how lucky they are to have you for a daughter/sister in law and aunt!!!

kibean · January 2014

JuneMom3 said:

I would do a regular old fashioned shower. Have a timeline, eat or have snacks out, play a few cheesey games, open gifts, send everyone home. She's going to be a big girl now, she deserves a big girl shower.

This. She can't complain about that.

jshrop · January 2014

I'd do a 2p-5p shower, finger foods and nibbles, cake, silly games, open presents, see y'all later party. Nothing fancy and no huge expenses put into it. Definitely NOT a sit down dinner (I didn't realize people did that for baby showers anyway). And I'd limit my co-hosting duties to helping pay for it and planning some ideas but not running the show the day of. Good luck!

ElTrain5 · January 2014

JuneMom3 said:
I would do a regular old fashioned shower. Have a timeline, eat or have snacks out, play a few cheesey games, open gifts, send everyone home. She's going to be a big girl now, she deserves a big girl shower.

Another vote for this

MrsCase1 · January 2014

I still don't understand why they're forcing this issue on you?!? Why do they insist you be a part of the festivities for your niece? What will be accomplished by you co-hosting? This is all kinds of bizarre to me that they're coming on so strongly about an issue that really has nothing to do with you.

Kinipela7 · January 2014

Big girl shower for sure.

Glad you were able to speak up and get your own shower!

katekat8721 · January 2014

I'm so glad you spoke up. It's pretty sad you had to explain to your MIL your concerns and she threw a fit, but luckily it sounds like SIL is trying to be a bit more reasonable.

It'll also give you girls the chance to work on your relationship without having to do it at the same shower. Everything will work out

KristaU831 · January 2014

watch a couple of episodes of 16&pregnant, see how they do their showers, copy that, golden.

i believe on 16&pregnant they often do the melted chocolate in a diaper game. so there's that.

hubbs173 · January 2014

So I may have missed a previous thread about this, but your MIL wanted to host joint shower for you and your teen niece??? Why wouldn't your SIL host the shower if it's her daughter? And I can't believe your MIL would throw a fit because you don't want to share a shower with a bunch of teens!! Good for you for speaking up but it's weird that your co hosting your niece's shower. I'd probably throw a traditional shower like PP have said.

ELC252011 · January 2014

JuneMom3 said:
I would do a regular old fashioned shower. Have a timeline, eat or have snacks out, play a few cheesey games, open gifts, send everyone home. She's going to be a big girl now, she deserves a big girl shower.

Another vote for this. And I'm glad your getting your own shower.

bebemac · January 2014

jshrop said:
I'd do a 2p-5p shower, finger foods and nibbles, cake, silly games, open presents, see y'all later party. Nothing fancy and no huge expenses put into it. Definitely NOT a sit down dinner (I didn't realize people did that for baby showers anyway). And I'd limit my co-hosting duties to helping pay for it and planning some ideas but not running the show the day of. Good luck!

Heck, I'd even do 2p-4p.

Unknown · January 2014

This content has been removed.

BrunoBabies · January 2014

I will probably get flamed for this, but I don't see why everyone seems to be walking on eggshells and coddling this girl. She needs someone to actually parent her for once and give her some tough love, not figure out how to throw her a party. This all seems completely unacceptable to me, and if I were you I would have nothing to do with hosting her shower. To be honest someone had said something before about her still deserving a shower. No, no she doesn't deserve anything. If her parents and her grandma want to buy her things, fine. But, her 16 year old friends are probably not even going to stick around let alone afford to buy her much. And did everyone forget she recently called the cops and faked sexual assault? She deserves rehab and therapy. End of rant.

BrunoBabies · January 2014

JuneMom3 said:

BrunoBabies said:
I will probably get flamed for this, but I don't see why everyone seems to be walking on eggshells and coddling this girl. She needs someone to actually parent her for once and give her some tough love, not figure out how to throw her a party. This all seems completely unacceptable to me, and if I were you I would have nothing to do with hosting her shower. To be honest someone had said something before about her still deserving a shower. No, no she doesn't deserve anything. If her parents and her grandma want to buy her things, fine. But, her 16 year old friends are probably not even going to stick around let alone afford to buy her much. And did everyone forget she recently called the cops and faked sexual assault? She deserves rehab and therapy. End of rant.
So just because she's young she doesn't deserve a shower?! wtf kind of fucking bullshit is that????? I had my oldest young, I suppose I shouldn't have had a shower either? Instead my whole family should have turned a blind eye and made an already stressful situation even more stressful by not offering any help?! Just because a baby is being born to a teen mom doesn't mean everyone should refuse to help her when she's going to need it most.

I will say if it's even a thought in this girls mind to give the baby up she doesn't need a shower, but I suspect it's the family that wants her to give it up and she has no intentions of doing so.

Maybe if you read all of it instead of already being defensive because you were a teen mom, you would've gotten the point.

A) never bashed on young moms, but you read into it and got that out of it.

my response was based on the fact that she's drinking and smoking which makes her a hot mess, who is completely irresponsible to having a child.

C) let me point out AGAIN that she filed false police claims for RAPE, so no she isn't entitled to anything. No one is entitled to a shower or any party, it is a gift and privilege for those who deserve it. In my opinion, she doesn't. BTW my opinion would be the same no matter her age.

LegalLadyBug · January 2014

Hmm 15-17 year olds...Chucky Cheese maybe?

But seriously, the whole situation sucks. I also fail to see why they insist on throwing a shower for her after everything that has gone on. Although this is probably the only way that child will have a chance to get anything it needs. The child shouldn't be punished because it's mother is a hot mess. I would just do the basic cake and presents with a few games. Good luck.

elittler · January 2014

JuneMom3 said:
NONE of that means she shouldn't have a baby shower. The girl has made mistakes but she is still going to need help providing for her baby.

I suppose then, since she has made mistakes her baby should suffer. Just let it sleep on the floor.

In all honesty it should be the mothers responsibility to make sure the baby doesn't sleep on the floor. It's not everyone else's responsibility to provide for the baby.

ETA: I'd say that for anybody. Regardless of their age. Stop acting like she (or anyone else) is entitled to anything.

EmbracingChange · January 2014

I think its pointless to continue to push the adoption issue. Obviously she planned this baby, no matter how irresponsible and immature that is, and wants it. It will be a long road for her and you will love that baby, those are things you can count on.

As far as the shower goes, you'll have enough on your plate so keep it simple. Sub sandwiches, soup, chips, and punch. Cheesy games, gifts, and cleanup.

katekat8721 · January 2014

talon1226 said:

NONE of that means she shouldn't have a baby shower. The girl has made mistakes but she is still going to need help providing for her baby. I suppose then, since she has made mistakes her baby should suffer. Just let it sleep on the floor.
In all honesty it should be the mothers responsibility to make sure the baby doesn't sleep on the floor. It's not everyone else's responsibility to provide for the baby. ETA: I'd say that for anybody. Regardless of their age. Stop acting like she (or anyone else) is entitled to anything.
I agree fully, but there's a difference between saying it's niece's responsibility to provide for her baby vs. she doesn't deserve a shower because she's young, which is what some people have said. Nobody seems to have a problem with OP getting a shower.

Exactly. It's always the parent's responsibility to provide for the baby, regardless of age, marital status, whatever. No one deserves or is entitled to a shower, it's a nice gesture for the mother to be and gives people the ability to help out with the baby in their own way.

elittler · January 2014

talon1226 said:

elittler said:

JuneMom3 said:
NONE of that means she shouldn't have a baby shower. The girl has made mistakes but she is still going to need help providing for her baby.

I suppose then, since she has made mistakes her baby should suffer. Just let it sleep on the floor.
In all honesty it should be the mothers responsibility to make sure the baby doesn't sleep on the floor. It's not everyone else's responsibility to provide for the baby.

ETA: I'd say that for anybody. Regardless of their age. Stop acting like she (or anyone else) is entitled to anything.
I agree fully, but there's a difference between saying it's niece's responsibility to provide for her baby vs. she doesn't deserve a shower because she's young, which is what some people have said. Nobody seems to have a problem with OP getting a shower.

I, of course, don't have any problem with her getting a shower. Why would I? It doesn't impact my life one bit. What I was commenting on was the person I quoted who believed that everyone needs to help out, lest they be responsible for the baby sleeping on the floor.

I understand that it takes a village to raise a baby. I have one of my own and another on the way. What I don't understand is why some people feel entitled. And the parents are responsible to provide a safe place for the baby to sleep. If they receive said sleeping place as a gift, awesome! I just don't think it's cool to expect that.

MrsAMB07 · January 2014

It actually sound like her family doesn't want to throw her a shower, they want OP to throw one, which I still say is very peculiar when the girl's mom and grandmother are in the picture.

lellymine · January 2014

They want to have the shower based on the timeline when I should've had my baby the month prior so I won't be on bed rest or go into labor and be unable to help with the shower. Just tired. It's not an ideal situation for sure but I'm so emotionally exhausted from dealing with the whole thing I didn't have the energy to cause a fuss with them about co-hosting. Plus, like I said earlier I'm really hoping it'll help me get over being upset.

I'll be co-hosting with SIL's sister. I'm wondering if niece's mom is pushing the issue because she doesn't want to host it herself since around here it's thought to be tacky having your mom host but that's just speculation. I'll definitely bring up the sandwich or light buffet ideas to my other SIL. Thanks for all the input!

b48kate · January 2014

I think this girl's step father, who was falsely accused of raping a minor, is the one who deserves a special party.

lellymine · January 2014

MrsAMB07 said:
It actually sound like her family doesn't want to throw her a shower, they want OP to throw one, which I still say is very peculiar when the girl's mom and grandmother are in the picture.

I think it might be because in our area it's tacky for your mom to host a shower. It's usually a sister, aunt or friend.

lellymine · January 2014

CDK211 said:

lellymine said:

They want to have the shower based on the timeline when I should've had my baby the month prior so I won't be on bed rest or go into labor and be unable to help with the shower. Just tired. It's not an ideal situation for sure but I'm so emotionally exhausted from dealing with the whole thing I didn't have the energy to cause a fuss with them about co-hosting. Plus, like I said earlier I'm really hoping it'll help me get over being upset.

I'll be co-hosting with SIL's sister. I'm wondering if niece's mom is pushing the issue because she doesn't want to host it herself since around here it's thought to be tacky having your mom host but that's just speculation. I'll definitely bring up the sandwich or light buffet ideas to my other SIL. Thanks for all the input!

Could you offer to just do the cake, decorations or something that you typically enjoy doing? That way it will be easier on you, because you like doing whatever it is, you will still be involved and helping...but you don't have the stress of dealing with planning the actual shower? You're clearly struggling with this, and that's ok...but it might just completely stress you out to be co-host.

~~~quote fail~~~
From what they discussed I'll be planning the food, games and decorating, bringing a diaper cake, being there during to help out and paying for it. I think I'll try to get out of actual set up and tear down of it since I'll a 1 month old and I'm expecting to be a bit tired. I'll just say it's time for her to eat

b48kate · January 2014

lellymine said:

CDK211 said:

lellymine said:

They want to have the shower based on the timeline when I should've had my baby the month prior so I won't be on bed rest or go into labor and be unable to help with the shower. Just tired. It's not an ideal situation for sure but I'm so emotionally exhausted from dealing with the whole thing I didn't have the energy to cause a fuss with them about co-hosting. Plus, like I said earlier I'm really hoping it'll help me get over being upset.

I'll be co-hosting with SIL's sister. I'm wondering if niece's mom is pushing the issue because she doesn't want to host it herself since around here it's thought to be tacky having your mom host but that's just speculation. I'll definitely bring up the sandwich or light buffet ideas to my other SIL. Thanks for all the input!

Could you offer to just do the cake, decorations or something that you typically enjoy doing? That way it will be easier on you, because you like doing whatever it is, you will still be involved and helping...but you don't have the stress of dealing with planning the actual shower? You're clearly struggling with this, and that's ok...but it might just completely stress you out to be co-host.

~~~quote fail~~~
From what they discussed I'll be planning the food, games and decorating, bringing a diaper cake, being there during to help out and paying for it. I think I'll try to get out of actual set up and tear down of it since I'll a 1 month old and I'm expecting to be a bit tired. I'll just say it's time for her to eat

Lellymine, you are 90 times nicer than I am, and your family should give you a medal.

MrsAMB07 · January 2014

lellymine said:

MrsAMB07 said:
It actually sound like her family doesn't want to throw her a shower, they want OP to throw one, which I still say is very peculiar when the girl's mom and grandmother are in the picture.
I think it might be because in our area it's tacky for your mom to host a shower. It's usually a sister, aunt or friend.

But isn't your MIL hosting yours, essentially for her son and daughter-in-law? I could see if SIL hosted yours and you offered to reciprocate, but her asking you to cohost is pretty nervy IMO.

It if you're happy with it, them I'm glad it worked out!

bebemac · January 2014

.

lellymine said:

CDK211 said:

lellymine said:

They want to have the shower based on the timeline when I should've had my baby the month prior so I won't be on bed rest or go into labor and be unable to help with the shower. Just tired. It's not an ideal situation for sure but I'm so emotionally exhausted from dealing with the whole thing I didn't have the energy to cause a fuss with them about co-hosting. Plus, like I said earlier I'm really hoping it'll help me get over being upset.

I'll be co-hosting with SIL's sister. I'm wondering if niece's mom is pushing the issue because she doesn't want to host it herself since around here it's thought to be tacky having your mom host but that's just speculation. I'll definitely bring up the sandwich or light buffet ideas to my other SIL. Thanks for all the input!

Could you offer to just do the cake, decorations or something that you typically enjoy doing? That way it will be easier on you, because you like doing whatever it is, you will still be involved and helping...but you don't have the stress of dealing with planning the actual shower? You're clearly struggling with this, and that's ok...but it might just completely stress you out to be co-host.

~~~quote fail~~~
From what they discussed I'll be planning the food, games and decorating, bringing a diaper cake, being there during to help out and paying for it. I think I'll try to get out of actual set up and tear down of it since I'll a 1 month old and I'm expecting to be a bit tired. I'll just say it's time for her to eat

Wow! That's quite a lot for a co-host! Are your duties shared evenly? You are a saint. And like @Internationalkate says, you deserve a medal.

JulieSmiles · January 2014

@lellymine You seem like a wonderful person with a huge heart. Your niece is so lucky to have you around. I don't know that I could have put my own frustrations aside enough to offer to help with the shower. I hope that she matures and realizes how wonderful of a family she has.

lellymine · January 2014

MrsAMB07 said:

lellymine said:

MrsAMB07 said:
It actually sound like her family doesn't want to throw her a shower, they want OP to throw one, which I still say is very peculiar when the girl's mom and grandmother are in the picture.
I think it might be because in our area it's tacky for your mom to host a shower. It's usually a sister, aunt or friend.
But isn't your MIL hosting yours, essentially for her son and daughter-in-law?

My SILs will be the technical hosts but I think she's contributing financially so she wants a say but won't be acknowledged as a host. Weird and skirting around the etiquette issue I know.

lellymine · January 2014

amoot890 said:

lellymine said:

MrsAMB07 said:

lellymine said:

MrsAMB07 said:
It actually sound like her family doesn't want to throw her a shower, they want OP to throw one, which I still say is very peculiar when the girl's mom and grandmother are in the picture.
I think it might be because in our area it's tacky for your mom to host a shower. It's usually a sister, aunt or friend.
But isn't your MIL hosting yours, essentially for her son and daughter-in-law?
My SILs will be the technical hosts but I think she's contributing financially so she wants a say but won't be acknowledged as a host. Weird and skirting around the etiquette issue I know.

I seriously doubt that a bunch of high schoolers are going to care who actually hosted/paid... agree with PP you must be a saint.

Oh, I should've put that it's not just young girls coming. We'll be inviting MIL's sisters and her mother plus our older cousins. I think SIL is concerned about getting the side eye from the adults if she hosts it.

misscarter87 · January 2014

A few games would be good not a whole lot of games..also a nice meal would be good too

curlylocks3 · January 2014

MrsAMB07 said:
It actually sound like her family doesn't want to throw her a shower, they want OP to throw one, which I still say is very peculiar when the girl's mom and grandmother are in the picture.

Not so peculiar when you consider that the grandma was originally going to throw a shower- for her DIL and granddaughter. Honestly, considering OP insisted on having her own shower it's not that unreasonable that they expect her to help defray the costs of the second shower.

bebemac · January 2014

curlylocks3 said:

Not so peculiar when you consider that the grandma was originally going to throw a shower- for her DIL and granddaughter. Honestly, considering OP insisted on having her own shower it's not that unreasonable that they expect her to help defray the costs of the second shower.

lellymine · January 2014

curlylocks3 said:

MrsAMB07 said:
It actually sound like her family doesn't want to throw her a shower, they want OP to throw one, which I still say is very peculiar when the girl's mom and grandmother are in the picture.
Not so peculiar when you consider that the grandma was originally going to throw a shower- for her DIL and granddaughter. Honestly, considering OP insisted on having her own shower it's not that unreasonable that they expect her to help defray the costs of the second shower.

I didn't insist on my own shower. I also said if they couldn't afford two I was having others and it wouldn't be a problem.

obscurereference · January 2014

lellymine said:

CDK211 said:

lellymine said:

They want to have the shower based on the timeline when I should've had my baby the month prior so I won't be on bed rest or go into labor and be unable to help with the shower. Just tired. It's not an ideal situation for sure but I'm so emotionally exhausted from dealing with the whole thing I didn't have the energy to cause a fuss with them about co-hosting. Plus, like I said earlier I'm really hoping it'll help me get over being upset.

I'll be co-hosting with SIL's sister. I'm wondering if niece's mom is pushing the issue because she doesn't want to host it herself since around here it's thought to be tacky having your mom host but that's just speculation. I'll definitely bring up the sandwich or light buffet ideas to my other SIL. Thanks for all the input!

Could you offer to just do the cake, decorations or something that you typically enjoy doing? That way it will be easier on you, because you like doing whatever it is, you will still be involved and helping...but you don't have the stress of dealing with planning the actual shower? You're clearly struggling with this, and that's ok...but it might just completely stress you out to be co-host.

~~~quote fail~~~
From what they discussed I'll be planning the food, games and decorating, bringing a diaper cake, being there during to help out and paying for it. I think I'll try to get out of actual set up and tear down of it since I'll a 1 month old and I'm expecting to be a bit tired. I'll just say it's time for her to eat

Ummm, what exactly does that leave for your "co-host" to do? Set up and clean up? Sounds like you'll be doing most of the work. And with a 1-month old, it'll feel like 3 times the work!

curlylocks3 · January 2014

lellymine said:

It actually sound like her family doesn't want to throw her a shower, they want OP to throw one, which I still say is very peculiar when the girl's mom and grandmother are in the picture.
Not so peculiar when you consider that the grandma was originally going to throw a shower- for her DIL and granddaughter. Honestly, considering OP insisted on having her own shower it's not that unreasonable that they expect her to help defray the costs of the second shower.
I didn't insist on my own shower. I also said if they couldn't afford two I was having others and it wouldn't be a problem.

And when phrased that way, do you think they really had any choice but to still host a shower for you?

coffee-saur · January 2014

You're doing a great thing for her! I bet it's hard to deal with, or think about, but you sound like you're doing as great as you can be. Kudos, seriously, you deserve a medal!

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