My parents think there are healthy young kids to go around..question our international choice

astroMom · January 2014

So, I'm sure those of you going through domestic adoption can PLEASE dispel this myth that we should just adopt from the US, bc there are plenty to go around. It is important to us to maintain age order at this point, so that means under 3, more like 0-2. My parents have completely wigged out on us that we are doing the worst thing ever, and they alluded to taking us to court over this. Yah, really.

My sibling also adopted, and they threatened them to go to court for custody of the bio. grandkids, too. *sigh* Thei case were domesticly adopted, and my parents still bitch about them being "drug addict kids", yet they think international is worse.

This isn't meant to be one is better than the other. My point is that we feel international is right for us, in our situation. Needless to say I will be starting some therapy & possibly limiting interactions of them with my bio son in the meantime.

astroMom · January 2014

Some background: my parents fostered. Out of many, many kids, they were given one healthy baby, so they think it is "easy".

RondackHiker · January 2014

Honestly, I wouldn't debate with them or give them facts. That let's them think there IS some debate and they have some say.

I'd just tell them it is NONE of their business how you grow your family and if they threaten you, try to control you, speak poorly of any of your children, or treat your children unequally you will no longer have contact with them.

maryoosa · January 2014

not to be blunt, but sounds like your parents are bit.... nuts. They cannot take you to court over any of this, nor your sibling, unless y'all are abusing your kids. Give them some sort of fact sheet, and back away slowly.

Dr.Loretta · January 2014

This whole post is confusing. It sounds like the grandparents had dodgy experiences with the foster/adopt system, and have no idea what adoption is like these days. Since you're already thinking of distancing yourself from them, start now. It doesn't sound like anything is going to get through to them, unless there's more to the story.

astroMom · January 2014

Well, it doesn't really make sense, but I can elaborate if it helps. Basically my parents are controlling and borderline abusive...add to that one of them drinks heavily, and it is a mess. I think I have lived in denial until now, bc I want that happy perfect family. I'm having to become mama bear, and being a parent is making me finally take a firm stance with them. Needless to say, I wouldn't give them the name of our agency when they asked for it during this fight.

RondackHiker · January 2014

astroMom said:
Well, it doesn't really make sense, but I can elaborate if it helps. Basically my parents are controlling and borderline abusive...add to that one of them drinks heavily, and it is a mess. I think I have lived in denial until now, bc I want that happy perfect family. I'm having to become mama bear, and being a parent is making me finally take a firm stance with them. Needless to say, I wouldn't give them the name of our agency when they asked for it during this fight.

I think it'd be good if you saw a counselor who is familiar with toxic family members to talk to about this. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

Remember that being related doesn't mean that they deserve a space in your life.

davidandheather · January 2014

It is time to draw a boundary line. I had to read Henry Cloud to figure that out and talk to someone about it because I came from similar background. It is hard, but it is worth it.

“Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where i end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom. Taking responsibility for my life opens up many different options. Boundaries help us keep the good in and the bad out. Setting boundaries inevitably involves taking responsibility for your choices. You are the one who makes them. You are the one who must live with their consequences. And you are the one who may be keeping yourself from making the choices you could be happy with. We must own our own thoughts and clarify distorted thinking.”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

astroMom · January 2014

I will check that out. I think having something I can read until we get to therapy on Thursday will help me.

msditz00 · January 2014

Sorry you are going through this. I would definitely limit contact with them. I would be too paranoid to even let them in my house - they may start snooping/checking mail to figure out who your agency is.

f they are this crazy, it is better for your son to not be exposed to it. My MIL was toxic, and showed up at court to testify against us in a case where we were fostering a relative's child (relative was on drugs and my MIL felt she was better with the drug addict mom than us. Seriously.) We don't have contact with her anymore and it is WONDERFUL.

astroMom · February 2014

My dad did apologize, but I am still proceeding with caution.

As if this international adoption isn't stressful enough without family wigging out! I am not sure if it is my parents and ILs fears creeping in or if I really should be doing more research into domestic adoption. I was very confident in our choice, but I think the unknown working with foreign gov'ts and just everything has my nerves on edge.

Luckily our dossier is close to done!

@davidandheather - I did start reading that book on your suggestion!

jelly718 · February 2014

I'm so sorry you're getting hassled by your own family. A child is a child no matter where he/she comes from. You are opening up your heart, your home, and your family and you should be proud of that! We are doing a DIA because of the longer wait for international toddlers - at least that was what we were told. We were also told that in our state our chances to adopt/foster to adopt a toddler were very slim. Then we looked into Intl. adoption and the wait was so very long. In the end we decided that DIA was best for our family.

And I think that's my point... you can only do what is best for your family and everyone else can take a walk!

That's my 2 cents :-) Best of luck!

My parents think there are healthy young kids to go around..question our international choice

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