Advice needed re: Step Sister ( Loss mentioned )

jewels1199 · January 2014

My step sister went for her dating ultrasound on Monday, she should have been almost 8 weeks along. They have been doing IVF treatments for almost 2 years and this is the first positive they have had. Unfortunately the babies had no heart beats ( twins ) . We are all devastated for them

She and I are not close since our parents married when we were adults , so I dont know any details about the scan or what they told her. She had come to me for pregnancy advice and to share her joy but nothing since her loss( which can be expected for sure !)

Our gender reveal to our families is next week and I absolutely do not know how to handle our news since we were planning a big family get together. Should we do it just more private now, no get together ? I dont want to alienate her but I DO NOT want to make her feel worse. I feel like our family is so sad that maybe we should just hold onto our news for a while and not bring it up at all

Also is there anything I can do besides offer her support and give her her privacy until shes ready to reach out ?

TIA !

curlylocks3 · January 2014

Only you know how it would be received, but when my SIL had a miscarriage we went a sympathy card. If that doesn't feel right to you, maybe consider a "thinking of you" card or flowers, or even just an email letting her know you are sorry for her loss and are there if she needs anything.

As for the reveal, do people already know its happening? That impacts my decision.

jewels1199 · January 2014

curlylocks3 said:

Only you know how it would be received, but when my SIL had a miscarriage we went a sympathy card. If that doesn't feel right to you, maybe consider a "thinking of you" card or flowers, or even just an email letting her know you are sorry for her loss and are there if she needs anything.

As for the reveal, do people already know its happening? That impacts my decision.

We suggested a family dinner to everyone after the scan but no date has been set in stone yet.

Katieluc106 · January 2014

Wait she had the nerve to get pregnant in the same year as you!!!?? (Obvious sarcasm)
I honestly wouldn't know how to approach it maybe ask her biological parent how she would feel (as they would probably know her best). Take it from there.... Wish I was more helpful! T&P to your step sister.

jshrop · January 2014

Oh man. I am so sorry... For her and for you. Maybe invite her to lunch and talk. Also let her know what you're planning and that you'll hope she will be there but you completely understand if she doesn't want to. Allow her to drive the bus on her involvement with your pregnancy. These are just suggestions, as I'm not sure what the answer is. But I'd reach out to let her know that you care.

FeliciaTwo · January 2014

I would send a sympathy card for sure. I really appreciated the sympathy card I got from a colleague when I had my miscarriage.

With respect to the gender reveal . . . did you already tell your family you wanted to do a get-together? If not, then I might make it a smaller affair. That doesn't mean it can't be a celebration, but maybe fewer people? Or make the gender reveal a very small part of an afternoon/evening together?

All I can say is that I was VERY raw after my miscarriage, and we hadn't even been trying as long as 2 years. I was at a big family get-together about 2.5-3 months after the miscarriage, and it was hard for me to just see a cousin who was pregnant. I can't imagine being able to handle a pregnancy related party at that point.

Luna C · January 2014

I think the PPs nailed it: Let her know you're thinking of her, and let her choose to be involved a lot, a little, or not at all for the rest of your pregnancy.

As for the dinner -- if it's not already scheduled, I might push it back a bit. Even if the rest of the family doesn't need extra time to prepare, they'll probably be in more of a celebratory mood if you give them a little space to process this very sad news.

You're thoughtful to consider her feelings.

jewels1199 · January 2014

I will def send a card and some flowers thanks for the suggestions I wasnt sure if that was ok or not.
As for the gender reveal I think we will just wait a while to announce to the families. It is going to be hard on all of us to have a celebration so soon and when we do decide to announce I will be sure to let her decide how involved to be.

Thank you all for your suggestions ! Sometimes its hard to see all aspects when your in the middle of it all !

katekat8721 · January 2014

Well said @CAMag xo

kibean · January 2014

I just want to say kudos to you for being so mature, unselfish, and kind to consider her feelings and also to consider changing your plans so as not to hurt her further. After my loss I was so appreciative of people who knew about it just talking to me privately to let me know that they understood I was hurting and that whatever I needed to do or wanted to do was okay was comforting.

Don't force yourself on her, but a card saying that you are there if she wants to talk is certainly appropriate. Also, I don't have any advice on what specifically to do with the dinner. People react differently to things, but if I was in her situation I wouldn't want to also feel guilty that someone cancelled their reveal celebration because of me, but I also am pretty sure I would excuse myself from attending. We struggled with IF for over 3 years and I pretty much never went to a baby shower and asked my mom to pick out the gifts for me. It was just what I needed to do.

If you are not that close could you ask someone in your family who is close with her for some input on this? They might be able to give you more specific advice, knowing where she is at emotionally.

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Advice needed re: Step Sister ( Loss mentioned )

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