Baby Shower Dilemma!!

Kina1102 · January 2014

ugh

babygabe614 · January 2014

Ditto @joules235. I think it is considered bad form to throw yourself a shower at all, but if this is not a get together that involves gifts, and is more of a casual gathering for your friends, I'd say invite whoever you want. Just don't be disappointed if the family members don't want to make the trip since it sounds like most of them aren't local.

Kina1102 · January 2014

Our families are pretty far away and large enough already that they have not thought to invite our friends. Most might not go anyway since it is a 2 1/2 hour drive from where we all live (friends and us). The BBQ is a shower for us (DH is in charge so I dont know the specifics). The family showers are great but I'm totally not into the games and stuffiness that our mothers want to do (first grandchild). The BBQ was DH's idea on having a low key fun party before we have our little one.

MrsCase1 · January 2014

I think a BBQ is OK so long as you do not request gifts.

I would view it more of a celebratory party than a shower. A shower thrown for yourself is totally uncouth.

BarooGirl · January 2014

Your DH is throwing you a shower? That's the same thing as throwing your own.
What if you're friends are going to throw you one? It's sell pretty early.

Kina1102 · January 2014

I dont think its in bad taste at all. You throw yourself a wedding, no one gives you one. We are the only married couple and almost everyone else is single. I want to celebrate this with all my friends. Gifts is not something we expect. If they bring one fine but its not a must. We are calling it a shower but its more of a last party before we settle down for a little bit.

hollygb22 · January 2014

if it's just a bbq with friends..i think it's fine..but if friends are invited to the shower, it seems weird? are you expecting gifts? I wouldn't make it shower like with games, etc. I'd do strictly a gtg. I think it's a little tacky for you or DH to throw yourselves a third shower

amackattack · January 2014

Not supposed to throw yourself your own shower! If it's just a BBQ, don't call it a shower. I wish we could throw our own shower's though because I hate the thought of someone else having to pay for it.

babygabe614 · January 2014

Kina1102 said:

Our families are pretty far away and large enough already that they have not thought to invite our friends. Most might not go anyway since it is a 2 1/2 hour drive from where we all live (friends and us). The BBQ is a shower for us (DH is in charge so I dont know the specifics). The family showers are great but I'm totally not into the games and stuffiness that our mothers want to do (first grandchild). The BBQ was DH's idea on having a low key fun party before we have our little one.

If a friend of yours is throwing this BBQ then I would say keep it friends only. If you guys are throwing it and expecting gifts... ehh that is kind of erring on the side of sounding gift-grabby, in my honest opinion. If you're expecting gifts at this BBQ I would most definitely not invite family (but better advice would be to just have a BBQ and not expect gifts at all and not consider it a third "shower". If your friends want to throw you a shower, they will surely ask you about it).

Luna C · January 2014

Kina1102 said: The BBQ is a shower for us (DH is in charge so I dont know the specifics).
***
This is the problem. You cannot have your husband throw you a shower. I would side-eye that to the moon and back. You're already having two big showers. That's plenty. If you want to see your friends, just have a BBQ. If your friends want to buy you gifts, they will.
You do NOT want to be the person who essentially begs their friends for gifts. That's just trashy.
And if you ignore that and throw your own shower anyway, do not invite your family. That's doubly trashy to extort more gifts out of people who already showered you and now have to travel pretty far for the honor of giving you more gifts.

Gigi8212 · January 2014

Please don't throw your own shower. That is extremely tacky and makes you look selfish and gift grabby. It is fine to have a BBQ but do not mention anything about a baby, registry, shower etc.

And a shower can in no way be compared to a wedding. A wedding is celebrating the union between two people. A shower is literally to shower the recipient with gifts. Huge difference.

Savvy122 · January 2014

I think PPs have pretty much covered it. It's poor etiquette to throw yourself any sort of party where gifts are expected (and if you're going to call it a "shower" people are going to feel obligated to bring a gift). If your friends are that concerned about celebrating with you, hopefully one of them will step up and offer to host something. If not, you'll still have two other opportunities to celebrate your LO with your loved ones.

And FWIW, a wedding is completely different from a shower. The purpose of a wedding is to celebrate a couple joining together, not necessarily to give gifts; the entire purpose of a shower is literally to "shower" a person with gifts.

AandJ28 · January 2014

Ditto what all of the PP's have said. Don't throw yourself a shower... Have a BBQ with friends and just make it a BBQ. The word shower should not be anywhere on the invite. I would also not mention gifts or a registry on the invite, other than to say "no gifts please." If people still want to bring gifts, they will ask about a registry or just show up with gifts.

crhein26 · January 2014

Please don't throw yourself a shower. Like previous posts have said, it's REALLY tacky. Have a BBQ or if you have a really close friend, mention to them that you are bummed that your friends won't get to be a part of your family showers and MAYBE if you are lucky she will offer to throw one for you. As a person who has a ton of friends, even IF I love my friend, if she threw a shower for herself, wedding or baby, I'd decline. It's saying, hey...I'm having a party, bring me a gift. Put yourself in your friends shoes. They are totally going to think you are being selfish.

nunzchucks · January 2014

I'd basically quote everyone above if it wouldn't make the world's longest quote tree.

Luna C · January 2014

Kina1102 said:

I dont think its in bad taste at all. You throw yourself a wedding, no one gives you one. We are the only married couple and almost everyone else is single. I want to celebrate this with all my friends. Gifts is not something we expect. If they bring one fine but its not a must. We are calling it a shower but its more of a last party before we settle down for a little bit.

I get it -- you really , REALLY want your friends to buy you gifts, but don't want to admit it. But trust me, you are not fooling us, and you will not fool your friends.

The whole point of a shower is getting gifts. If you throw yourself a shower, you're saying "Bring us gifts."

The fact that EVERY response on this board is telling you it's tacky ... that should tell you something.

Susanbeth85 · January 2014

I think it is fine to throw a BBQ party and only invite friends, not family, especially since you will be seeing both sides of the family at the showers; HOWEVER, I agree with previous posts that you should no throw a shower. I would do a very informal BBQ evite and not mention baby, gifts, registry, etc. IF someone wants to bring a gift, of course they can, but I would not mention it in the invite.

Luna C · January 2014

Kina1102 said:

We are the only married couple and almost everyone else is single.

Also, what does this have to do with anything?

BarooGirl · January 2014

How about you all the baby shower board and see what they think?

nunzchucks · January 2014

mrsgerman said:

Ask this same exact question on the baby shower board, you will realize it's a universal opinion, not just one of the June moms.

Hahaha, yes. Please do. TB has been slow today. I could go for some drama

Luna C · January 2014

mrsgerman said:

Ask this same exact question on the baby shower board, you will realize it's a universal opinion, not just one of the June moms.

OMG. The baby shower board ladies would eat her alive for this.

I asked a question about who else to include IF my family asked me for a guest list and they ripped my head off for presuming my family would want other people there. Those ladies are harsh.

kibean · January 2014

If one of my friends invited me to a shower that they were throwing for themselves (in the manner that you described) I would do the following --in order:

1. Laugh hysterically that they thought this was an ok thing to do, 2. send them a "sorry I can't come" text, 3. Send them a cheapo gift, and 4. tell this story to other people/commiserate with other friends eg. "You won't BELIEVE what this person did..."

Sorry, but I felt like I needed to be really honest here because likely your friends would silently be WTFing without you even knowing.

jshrop · January 2014

I have a spin off question to this that was kind of mentioned in another post a few weeks ago: what about a beer and diaper party? Our families are holding a shower for us at home (which is 1,000 miles from where we live). We have a bunch of young, single guy friends here (that ALL want to be the baby's godfather) and I have maybe half a dozen girlfriends here. We were planning to have a final horrah BBQ and calling it a beer and diaper party. Guys can bring diapers if they want, but it's basically a big BBQ before the kiddo is born (we host a bunch through the year and this will be the last for a while). We've had other friends have them and it didn't even occur to me that it might be tacky. I just thought it was a cute way for the guys to celebrate. What are your thoughts?

nunzchucks · January 2014

@jshrop - I still feel that a beer and diaper party is similar to throwing your own shower. You're still asking people to bring diapers, right? I wouldn't do it.

amackattack · January 2014

@jshrop if your friends have already done it and no one thought anything of it, I would say it'd be fine for you guys to follow in their footsteps! I think it really depends on the group of friends.

brittanywest · January 2014

Never hurts to invite ppl

Lindsleigh77 · January 2014

jshrop said:

I have a spin off question to this that was kind of mentioned in another post a few weeks ago: what about a beer and diaper party? Our families are holding a shower for us at home (which is 1,000 miles from where we live). We have a bunch of young, single guy friends here (that ALL want to be the baby's godfather) and I have maybe half a dozen girlfriends here. We were planning to have a final horrah BBQ and calling it a beer and diaper party. Guys can bring diapers if they want, but it's basically a big BBQ before the kiddo is born (we host a bunch through the year and this will be the last for a while). We've had other friends have them and it didn't even occur to me that it might be tacky. I just thought it was a cute way for the guys to celebrate. What are your thoughts?

I think this scenario would be cool. I plan on doing a sip and see open house after baby is born for people to come by and meet the LO. I will not call it a shower or register or anything of the sort although I am sure some family members will bring little gifts. For my DS last time around my hubby had a diaper/keg party when I was about 32 weeks or so. Hubby got a keg and his boys came to have a good time with him and brought diapers, I had a sleepover at my gf's for the night. Last time around my bff threw a shower for me but she hosted it at my house because I had the space and she didn't but I literally wasn't involved in anything but setting up my registry and giving her the invite list.

Luna C · January 2014

@jshrop: Drop the name and I think you're fine. This is the kind of event you usually host, it's a get-together. That's fine. But anytime you are actively soliciting gifts ... it's tacky.

What you have planned is more acceptable than the OP, but only by a hair.

If the guys all want to be the godfather and are interested in the baby, they'll get you gifts if they want to. There's no need to dedicate an event to it.

Luna C · January 2014

If one of my friends invited me to a shower that they were throwing for themselves (in the manner that you described) I would do the following --in order:

1. Laugh hysterically that they thought this was an ok thing to do, 2. send them a "sorry I can't come" text, 3. Send them a cheapo gift, and 4. tell this story to other people/commiserate with other friends eg. "You won't BELIEVE what this person did..."

Sorry, but I felt like I needed to be really honest here because likely your friends would silently be WTFing without you even knowing.

***
Seriously. I would never think the same of one of my friends if they did this. Not saying I would cut off contact, but in my mind they would always be, "The friend who had zero problem blatantly asking for baby handouts."

Laurelyn2012 · January 2014

I know you wanted a BBQ before the baby but you could always do a meet and greet after the baby is born. It would give you a good reason to get all of your friends together and you could possibly enjoy a drink yourself.

FutureMrsW9 · January 2014

If you're having the BBQ as a party separate from the shower, then fine do what you want. But if you're meaning for it to serve as more of a Baby-Q where you tell everyone where you're registered...ummm..no, that's in poor taste. If people are willing to throw you showers, let THEM do it. If you still want to have a BBQ with just friends, then have a BBQ, but don't make it about the baby/mama-to-be/etc. and ask people to bring gifts of any kind....unless it's food, people who don't bring food or something to a house party are so rude!

Susanbeth85 · January 2014

@jshrop again I wouldn't call it a beer and diaper party, which implies people should bring diapers. Just host a BBQ.

jshrop · January 2014

Hmmm... So strange. I have never thought differently about such things! I guess like OP, it never occurred to me that people would think it's gift grabby. I certainly have no intention of asking for gifts or whatever. Frankly it was just to be a baby themed BBQ. We will spend a lot more money on just the beer (let alone the food) than would ever be brought in diapers lol!! I just thought it could be a last party where the guys who are already dads could harass my husband and my hubs could have one last party with his friends before the kiddo comes. So I guess as a PP said, we will drop the name. Thanks

flerlgirl · January 2014

Kina1102 said:

I dont think its in bad taste at all. You throw yourself a wedding, no one gives you one. We are the only married couple and almost everyone else is single. I want to celebrate this with all my friends. Gifts is not something we expect. If they bring one fine but its not a must. We are calling it a shower but its more of a last party before we settle down for a little bit.

So if you made up your mind already, why did you ask?

MrsCase1 · January 2014

Ohmigawd! Nobody send her to the shower board! Cruelty, LOL! We already all spoke the truth to her-if she doesn't "get it" it is on her from there. Next will be a post in a few months about how all of her friends fell off the radar. KWIM??

If someone invited me to a shower they threw themselves I would tell them the truth about it if they were my close friend. Otherwise I would just show for the food and bring a mediocre gift. Maye *I* am the tacky one but I tend to be more generous with people who exercise etiquette.

Luna C · January 2014

flerlgirl said:

Kina1102 said:

I dont think its in bad taste at all. You throw yourself a wedding, no one gives you one. We are the only married couple and almost everyone else is single. I want to celebrate this with all my friends. Gifts is not something we expect. If they bring one fine but its not a must. We are calling it a shower but its more of a last party before we settle down for a little bit.

So if you made up your mind already, why did you ask?

Because she started to get flak from her friends and came here so we could all confirm what an awesome idea it was?

Just a guess.

ElTrain5 · January 2014

Ok...so I have a question.... let's say no one offers to throw you a shower. Why can't you throw one as opposed to not having one? Do you guys seriously feel like "Ugh, Lauren asked me to come to her shower and bring her a present..what a grabby bitch." but then also feel like "Oh, no wait...Lauren's SISTER asked me to come to her shower and bring her a present. That's totally cool". I get that that seems to be the general opinion, but isn't the idea that you WANT to get your friend Lauren a present...because she's having a baby....? Who the hell cares who throws the party? Maybe Lauren's an only child and all her friends are poor and her mom's not around? Should Lauren not get a shower at all?

kibean · January 2014

ElTrain5 said:

Ok...so I have a question.... let's say no one offers to throw you a shower. Why can't you throw one as opposed to not having one? Do you guys seriously feel like "Ugh, Lauren asked me to come to her shower and bring her a present..what a grabby bitch." but then also feel like "Oh, no wait...Lauren's SISTER asked me to come to her shower and bring her a present. That's totally cool". I get that that seems to be the general opinion, but isn't the idea that you WANT to get your friend Lauren a present...because she's having a baby....? Who the hell cares who throws the party? Maybe Lauren's an only child and all her friends are poor and her mom's not around? Should Lauren not get a shower at all?

If I had a friend who wasn't having a shower I would either think (depending on how close were were)..hey maybe I should throw a shower, or I would get them a gift on my own.

nunzchucks · January 2014

ElTrain5 said:

Ok...so I have a question.... let's say no one offers to throw you a shower. Why can't you throw one as opposed to not having one? Do you guys seriously feel like "Ugh, Lauren asked me to come to her shower and bring her a present..what a grabby bitch." but then also feel like "Oh, no wait...Lauren's SISTER asked me to come to her shower and bring her a present. That's totally cool". I get that that seems to be the general opinion, but isn't the idea that you WANT to get your friend Lauren a present...because she's having a baby....? Who the hell cares who throws the party? Maybe Lauren's an only child and all her friends are poor and her mom's not around? Should Lauren not get a shower at all?

I don't think Lauren should get a shower. You don't have a right to have a shower just because you are having a baby. If Lauren really wants a party, do a sip and see after the baby comes.

BrunoBabies · January 2014

ElTrain5 said:
Ok...so I have a question.... let's say no one offers to throw you a shower. Why can't you throw one as opposed to not having one? Do you guys seriously feel like "Ugh, Lauren asked me to come to her shower and bring her a present..what a grabby bitch." but then also feel like "Oh, no wait...Lauren's SISTER asked me to come to her shower and bring her a present. That's totally cool". I get that that seems to be the general opinion, but isn't the idea that you WANT to get your friend Lauren a present...because she's having a baby....? Who the hell cares who throws the party? Maybe Lauren's an only child and all her friends are poor and her mom's not around? Should Lauren not get a shower at all?

If all her friends are poor, why would she expect them to buy her presents?The answer would be no, she gets no shower. Again ladies, a shower is a "present to the mother" not a right of passage. You did the deed, buy your own stuff.

Luna C · January 2014

ElTrain5 said:

Do you guys seriously feel like "Ugh, Lauren asked me to come to her shower and bring her a present..what a grabby bitch." but then also feel like "Oh, no wait...Lauren's SISTER asked me to come to her shower and bring her a present. That's totally cool".

Yes. Yes I do. And because of your next sentence: If my friend is having a baby, I'm already planning to get her a gift and I think it's awesome her sister is taking on the added burden of getting us all in one place so we can exchange the gifts in a (hopefully) fun way.

If my friend throws the shower, she's basically saying, "i don't trust you to get me gifts on your own, so I'm guilting you into coming to a party where you HAVE to give me a gift." It's like someone calling you up after Thanksgiving to say, "You're getting me a Christmas gift, right?"

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