I don't really know what else to tell her.

imakeeff0rts · January 2014

A friend of mine had a baby about a month ago. She's been having a lot of pain, like I was, when bfing. She's seen the LC and gotten advice and instructions that work for her, I've given her tools that have worked for her, she's gotten help from the LLL people and she was totally fine. She stopped doing everything we told/showed her to do and is having pain again (no shit), so she started supplementing. I told her that every time her LO gets formula, she needs to pump or her supply will take a hit.

I just got a frantic text from her basically saying that this is the first time she's pumped in weeks, and she's not getting anything from one side. Her breast doesn't feel full, and that she'd been at the pump for 30 minutes trying and nothing was coming out. I gave her suggestions (massage, heat, use a different size flange, replace membranes). She insists that she's done all of that, and still nothing.

She won't take fenugreek, brewer's yeast, flax seed, drink dark beer, Gatorade or Powerade, etc, and has no good reason for refusing. She's asking me about whether or not she should check into re-lactating, and doesn't seem to want to go see the LC again.

I seriously don't know what else to tell her to do. I'm irritated because she literally calls me all day and night asking for help pretty frequently, but won't take any of the advice. I've helped several of my friends out that have recently had babies and am happy to do it - but this pisses me off. If you don't want the advice, don't ask for it. Part of me wants to just throw in the towel and say "Sucks for you, you're on your own" but I know that would be shitty of me and I shouldn't.

Any advice is appreciated.

imakeeff0rts · January 2014

She said she's going to call the LC tomorrow and leave a message. I even offered to go with her if she was uncomfortable going by herself.

She wants a quick, overnight fix and it's not going to happen and I keep telling her that. She wants to know about medication she can take to magically up her supply, but then in the same breath says that she doesn't want to continue. I'm not even going to tell her about domp until she tries this other stuff first. We may have to have a come to Jesus soon.

imakeeff0rts · January 2014

jdoud77 said:

You're a good friend. I don't know any friends that would offer to go with me to an appointment for support.

I like the LC. We have good conversations.

EllaBelle2010 · January 2014

I think you've done all you can. Maybe next time she asks you for advice straight up ask her why she doesn't like your suggestions. I think all your advice is spot on so maybe offer references for your info? Some people need the proof. But in reality it sounds like you nailed it, she just wants a quick fix.

Maybe have her also try some skin to skin contact. I know that can help a lot with supply.

JocelynB0911 · January 2014

You're a good friend but she's a big girl and is going to have to figure it out in her own. You can only do so much hand holding before her stress becomes your stress and your supply takes a hit. You've given tools, it's her choice whether she uses them.

Yes I realize I just said the same thing three different ways.

barnratash · January 2014

Do you have any lactation cookies you can maybe drop off to her? Then she might see how they help. Although she doesn't sound like she would make them for herself even if she saw what they did. I would also maybe tell her not to call you until she's actually tried all of the things you've suggested and its still not working. Good for you for offering to go with her to the L.C though

imakeeff0rts · January 2014

JocelynB0911 said:

You're a good friend but she's a big girl and is going to have to figure it out in her own. You can only do so much hand holding before her stress becomes your stress and your supply takes a hit. You've given tools, it's her choice whether she uses them. Yes I realize I just said the same thing three different ways.

I still love you.

barnratash said:

Do you have any lactation cookies you can maybe drop off to her? Then she might see how they help. Although she doesn't sound like she would make them for herself even if she saw what they did. I would also maybe tell her not to call you until she's actually tried all of the things you've suggested and its still not working. Good for you for offering to go with her to the L.C though

I have a batch I can give her. I'll do that and tell her not to call unless she's done everything.

Edited because of quote fail.

hmlynch84 · January 2014

I agree with everyone else. It sounds like you've said all you can say. It seems like she desperately wants to continue breastfeeding, but the lack of following through makes me suspicious that maybe she just wants to quit and looking for a way not to feel too guilty about it...like she tried all these things and nothing has worked (even though she didn't stick with them), so what else can she do? I don't know...just a thought. I think your come to Jesus conversation might be the only option left at this point.

EllaBelle2010 · January 2014

barnratash said:

Do you have any lactation cookies you can maybe drop off to her? Then she might see how they help. Although she doesn't sound like she would make them for herself even if she saw what they did. I would also maybe tell her not to call you until she's actually tried all of the things you've suggested and its still not working. Good for you for offering to go with her to the L.C though

This is a great suggestion! If she doesn't want to make them herself maybe she can order some. I just ordered some from milkin-cookies.com and they are great!

Zmommy2 · January 2014

It almost seems like she doesn't want to BF anymore, but wants to make it seem like she does, so she's over zealous in the asking for advise dept. that way she has a witness to how hard she tried when nothing would work. Or maybe she's just clueless and does think there is an easy fix.

imakeeff0rts · January 2014

Zmommy2 said:

It almost seems like she doesn't want to BF anymore, but wants to make it seem like she does, so she's over zealous in the asking for advise dept. that way she has a witness to how hard she tried when nothing would work. Or maybe she's just clueless and does think there is an easy fix.

I think it's the first one. What gets me is I really couldn't care less how she feeds her kid, so I don't know why she feels like she has to pretend to try so hard.

She called about 10 minutes ago - not getting anything from the pump. I told her that I'd be happy to help, but she needs to follow the advice I give her. We had a heart to heart. I don't think she wants to bf anymore because it hurts, which I totally get. She's up in the air, but agreed to at least try the fenugreek for a week and see how it goes.

krose0713 · January 2014

Zmommy2 said:
It almost seems like she doesn't want to BF anymore, but wants to make it seem like she does, so she's over zealous in the asking for advise dept. that way she has a witness to how hard she tried when nothing would work. Or maybe she's just clueless and does think there is an easy fix.

This. She might just be waiting for you to say, well you tried everything, you can stop now. It sounds like she wants to stop, but doesn't want the guilt of having made that decision herself.

JocelynB0911 · January 2014

imakeeff0rts said:

Zmommy2 said:

It almost seems like she doesn't want to BF anymore, but wants to make it seem like she does, so she's over zealous in the asking for advise dept. that way she has a witness to how hard she tried when nothing would work. Or maybe she's just clueless and does think there is an easy fix.

I think it's the first one. What gets me is I really couldn't care less how she feeds her kid, so I don't know why she feels like she has to pretend to try so hard.

She called about 10 minutes ago - not getting anything from the pump. I told her that I'd be happy to help, but she needs to follow the advice I give her. We had a heart to heart. I don't think she wants to bf anymore because it hurts, which I totally get. She's up in the air, but agreed to at least try the fenugreek for a week and see how it goes.

I'm glad you had a talk with her. I can guarantee she's going to call saying she doesn't like the way fenugreek makes her smell.

imakeeff0rts · January 2014

Thanks, I'll share this links with her.

blonde151188 · January 2014

I feel for you. I had this issue with my brother's girlfriend. She would text me all day for advice, I also offered to take her to the lactation consultant, I would help her however I could. Then when I would ask my brother if she tried anything I said or did anything, he would say no. It is the MOST frustrating thing to waste all that time for/on someone that has no intention on using your help.

I'm sorry, and I think you handled it perfectly when she called.

charmcity82 · January 2014

Wow she sounds really frystrating to try and give help to! I would tell her (nicely) that you've told her all you know and if she's not going to follow your advice she needs to get help from an LC. And if you're close enough with her you might add, "if you're so desperate for help why don't you follow people's advice?"

happybride 276 · January 2014

God love you and your patience. There is no way I would be able to take call after frantic call without letting her know that nothing is going to work if she takes none of it seriously. Breast feeding isn't something that can be taken lightly. She should just figure out what works best for her and go in that direction.

Skalbrecht · January 2014

She is so lucky to have you as a support system! Sadly it's not something that can be turned on and off like a faucet...I think I would be honest about her ignoring your advice, and let her know that since she is giving it a second go you would like to be there for her still. She needs to keep in mind that you may be having your own struggles and it is unfair for her to take in your friendhip and not give back (bf is a stressful topic, and you don't want to mess with your own supply)!

munchkinsmama · January 2014

She definitely sounds like she doesn't want to BF anymore. I FF and it was really hard/ embarrassing in the beginning to tell people when they asked. I knew the benefits of EBF for the first year and I had every intention of doing so but my supply never came in. I will say the fearless formula feeder blog helped me and the realization that my friends weren't judging me. She's lucky to have such a good friend, maybe she doesn't realize that you wouldn't judge her for stopping. I will say that I get looks when mixing bottle's in public, and have had more then one stranger try to explain the benefits of BF to me.

juliad2010 · January 2014

Zmommy2 said:
It almost seems like she doesn't want to BF anymore, but wants to make it seem like she does, so she's over zealous in the asking for advise dept. that way she has a witness to how hard she tried when nothing would work. Or maybe she's just clueless and does think there is an easy fix.

^ this.

Maybe suggest a breastfeeding support Facebook group or refer her to the Kelly mom website.

Sounds like you've suggested everything possible and she's wasting your time trying to act as though she tried everything to continue.

imakeeff0rts · January 2014

Yeah, after today I'm pretty much done.

She went to WalMart and I reminded her about the Fenugreek. She said that it said on the bottle "not for nursing mothers" or something like that. I told her to call our OB (we have the same doctor) and ask. She did, the OB said that it's perfectly fine to take, and she didn't anyway. She called me THREE TIMES while I was at my son's 4 month appointment after I texted her and told her that I'm at the appointment because she still wasn't getting anything out of her left side. I asked her if she's done anything the LC and I have suggested, and she straight up said no.

I got pretty pissy with her and told her that if she wasn't going to do shit that she's on her own. I've sent her the links, told her everything I know to do, and she STILL isn't even pumping more than once a day. I told her not to ask me about it until she makes up her mind and/or follows the advice she's been given. We'll see how this goes.

imakeeff0rts · January 2014

Edited because I double posted. Womp.

kje120 · January 2014

I'm not sure what she expects if she refuses to do any of the things that would help. All you can do is say "These are the things that you need to do. If you won't/don't want to do them then there is nothing else I can tell you."

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I don't really know what else to tell her.

Re: I don't really know what else to tell her.

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