Husband allowed to get drunk but we can't?

fsumom · January 2014

Honestly, your entire post just screams immature to me. You're quite young and need to first realize getting "drunk" isn't all it's cracked up to be. You can certainly go out with friends but it sounds to me like you don't feel like you can have fun without alcohol.

JNerd · January 2014

He is a grown man and can make his own choices. If you don't agree with them, maybe you should talk to him. If you can't talk to him that is a bigger issue than what you first posted.

If his choices are having a negative impact on you, you can either choose to suffer, to choose change. Sometimes change only requires a change in attitude.

I think you should really consider that life is going to be different with a baby. And not just for a little while, but for a very long while. Babies need to be the priority with time and money - they are not cheap. You should probably have a discussion about what your priorities are for getting ready for baby and talk about how you plan to deal when baby is actually here.

Good luck - sounds like you will need it.

EmbracingChange · January 2014

We don't have this issue because we run with the same crowds, have had all the same friends since forever... Our idea of "going out" is bowling with other couples or card nights at our house. Neither of us goes out without the other, but its an unspoken not a rule type thing.

Sometime around the birth of our oldest, I just kind of gave up alcohol. It didn't make sense to drink when I could be needed at any time. He would still drink occasionally and he's a happy drunk so its entertaining usually. It usually doesn't bother me.

However, when I'm pregnant I have zero tolerance for drunks. I get all annoyed and pissy at stupidity. I'm not fun. Example: the last time he got stupid drunk was when he was in the Marine Corps And I was pregnant with our now 4 year old. . A few guys & couples came over to play cards. He was jumping off of my porch into the pool so I was getting irritated. Everyone left and I went into the bathroom to see where he went. He had thrown up all over the bathroom walls, shower curtain, and floor then passed out beside the toilet. Now, a good wife would have cleaned up the mess and put him to bed... Me? I covered his ass with a towel and went to bed. He mopped it all up the next morning.

wtfisup · January 2014

LegalLadyBug said:

hlp2709 said:
Its not far because they get to enjoy some drinks and let me tell you I know there has been days when I need a drink and can't have one. Not a fan of this at all. For example tonight we are going to a party and there will be drinking and I can't how can I have fun????? On the other hand that means I will have to keep eye on my child which I would do anyways but still having a little help from DH would be nice we will see how this goes.
Is this a joke? You don't need to get drunk to have fun and I honestly feel bad for you if think you do.

Additionally, if not being able to drink when you want and have fun when you want is such a priority, why have a kid? It's not not all that returns after pregnancy ends.

JNYLP · January 2014

I would be upset if DH went out drinking and left me home. We don't go out without each other with friends to drink when I'm not pregnant though. I'm 30 and I don't think age has anything to do with how you feel about it.

If it really bothers you, talk to your fiancé about it and find a compromise!

EmbracingChange · January 2014

mschware said:

@talon1226 we are working on that.. Having just recently moved it's been hard. Eventually I'm sure we will go out together with mutual friends lately it's just been me working 50 hrs a week and not having friends here while he works part time and hangs out with his friends a couple times a week. But I think things will play out differently soon

I'll tell you the same thing I told my younger sister... Anything he does now, he will do after the baby comes.

Why does he only work part time?

Luna C · January 2014

hlp2709 said:

Its not far because they get to enjoy some drinks and let me tell you I know there has been days when I need a drink and can't have one. Not a fan of this at all. For example tonight we are going to a party and there will be drinking and I can't how can I have fun????? On the other hand that means I will have to keep eye on my child which I would do anyways but still having a little help from DH would be nice we will see how this goes.

Wow. We'll see how it goes indeed.

mschware · January 2014

Alcohol is not the problem for me here girls! It never was.
Update though: DH invited 15 people over to hang out before they go out to the bar/club.. And the guys who have girlfriends are bringing their girlfriends but yet I am not invited.
After I read your guys response I realized I was being jealous and stepped down.. He deserves to a guys night and I was no longer upset and I was happy for him and I told him to have fun.. But when I found out a lot of other girls are going (plus his sister) but yet I'm not allowed, it really made me feel shitty

elsa1688 · January 2014

mschware said:
Alcohol is not the problem for me here girls! It never was.
Update though: DH invited 15 people over to hang out before they go out to the bar/club.. And the guys who have girlfriends are bringing their girlfriends but yet I am not invited.
After I read your guys response I realized I was being jealous and stepped down.. He deserves to a guys night and I was no longer upset and I was happy for him and I told him to have fun.. But when I found out a lot of other girls are going (plus his sister) but yet I'm not allowed, it really made me feel shitty

Ya.... That's fucked up.

bebemac · January 2014

mschware said:
Alcohol is not the problem for me here girls! It never was.
Update though: DH invited 15 people over to hang out before they go out to the bar/club.. And the guys who have girlfriends are bringing their girlfriends but yet I am not invited.
After I read your guys response I realized I was being jealous and stepped down.. He deserves to a guys night and I was no longer upset and I was happy for him and I told him to have fun.. But when I found out a lot of other girls are going (plus his sister) but yet I'm not allowed, it really made me feel shitty

Hmmm.

Mrs.C.V. · January 2014

Whoa whoa whoa now! What?!

lest12 · January 2014

Not ok.

You need to have a talk with him (tomorrow). You may be the one pregnant, but you are bringing this baby into the world together. You should be on the same page.

mschware · January 2014

I'm welcome in my house.. No way in hell id let him change that. But not to go out. Yeah I'm not happy about it.. At all.

Mrs.C.V. · January 2014

How did he even find a way to tell you that out loud? Did he attempt to explain himself??

JNerd · January 2014

mschware said:

I'm welcome in my house.. No way in hell id let him change that. But not to go out. Yeah I'm not happy about it.. At all.

Why does he get to decide that for you?

katekat8721 · January 2014

mschware said:
I'm welcome in my house.. No way in hell id let him change that. But not to go out. Yeah I'm not happy about it.. At all.

I'm curious how that conversation went.

"Yo wench, me and the guys and their girls are gonna go out. You stay here and tend to the homestead. I'd also like a hot meal and some advil when I return. Be sure to do the dishes too and clean my underwear. I am prone to pissing myself after a long night of drinking I can't afford. Toodles!"

Inquiring minds need to know.

bebemac · January 2014

I sincerely hope that 5 years from now you don't think to yourself, "Dang. I should have left him 5 years ago."

Sareynoo · January 2014

mschware said:
Alcohol is not the problem for me here girls! It never was.
Update though: DH invited 15 people over to hang out before they go out to the bar/club.. And the guys who have girlfriends are bringing their girlfriends but yet I am not invited.
After I read your guys response I realized I was being jealous and stepped down.. He deserves to a guys night and I was no longer upset and I was happy for him and I told him to have fun.. But when I found out a lot of other girls are going (plus his sister) but yet I'm not allowed, it really made me feel shitty

Well, that's not right. He should have at least invited you to go. You're not sick, you're pregnant.

kbellizio3 · January 2014

Oh no, that reminds me of when DH turned 21 and he wanted a party that I could attend (I was turning 20) and his brother went above his head and did a party in Atlantic City with DHs buddies and their SOs. Needless to say I made my feelings known.

However, even after DH turned 21 we still went out together. Almost all the time. One kinda never goes without the other (not a rule, he just always asks if I want to come, if I don't I catch up on chick flicks) and I'd be peeved if he invited people over and didn't invite me to go out. And why do you need to be "allowed"? He's not your dad...

Sareynoo · January 2014

Don't put up with that.

snowpants · January 2014

So your original post isn't where the problem lies (which you seem to get now, so kudos), however there are still big issues.

1. You work 50 hours a week while he works part time and spends, apparently, a lot of time drinking and hanging out with friends. Is he also spending a lot, and I mean A LOT, of time looking for full time employment and/or a second job? If not then its a pretty good sign that he doesn't give a crap about helping to support his family. HUGE red flag. Not a good sign for if (when?) you eventually divorce and want child support either.

2. You can't afford to go out but he can? Ummm, see #1 as it seems you do most of the working so if anyone goes out it should be you.

3. He is going out with a bunch of friends including their girlfriends but you're 'not allowed'? Oh honey. You're not his child, he doesn't get to allow you to do things. But the fact he didn't invite you, let alone he's telling you you're not allowed, means you've got the pretty darn big problem of being in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect you and for that I'm honestly sorry.

JESNYC · January 2014

I agree with everything the previous posters have said. Did you say anything when he told you the guys were bringing their girlfriends? I'm getting the sense that he just laid down the law and you accepted it. Maybe I am wrong but if not, you need to stand up for yourself.

hscoggins · January 2014

I would invite myself. Dress that bump up and start the car!

MrsAMB07 · January 2014

How was it never about the alcohol when your title is "Husband is allowed to get drunk but we can't?" Obviously from your more recent updates there is more to it, though. I'm also curious what it means to be "not allowed" to do anything in a relationship, marriage, etc.

wtfisup · January 2014

Whut. So why are you with this guy?

ElTrain5 · January 2014

Serious question, did he literally tell you " you aren't allowed to come out with us" or did he just not invite you/include you? If it's the latter maybe he just assumed you didn't want to go because you aren't drinking? Just having a talk with him about wanting to feel included may help if that's the case. If it's the former....does he tell you what you are "allowed" to do or not do often?

bebemac · January 2014

hscoggins said:
I would invite myself. Dress that bump up and start the car!

Hell. At that point I wouldn't even want to go. The only place I'd want to go is far away from that jerk.

colllydon · January 2014

Yeeeaaah. I wouldn't be having a baby with a guy like that, nevermind marrying him. Run now.

mschware · January 2014

Clarification: sorry I didn't specify before. He never had said "you can't come", I just wasn't invited. But what ended up happening was I got really upset and before people came over I told him I understand the guys night, but to have all their gf's there and not invite me is not okay. especially if they are coming to our house. & At that point he called his friend and asked who exactly was going and when he realized it was going to be basically 50% girls and no longer a boys night, is when he really apologized cause he realized I was really upset and it was a different situation. So I ended up going with them.. It was only 4 couples then.. And it ended up being a good night. I'm still upset the situation happened though. I realize we need to have our own lives and alone time sometimes but with this it was a bit different because of how it was initially handled, obviously.
To answer some of your questions: he NEVER had acted like this besides this time and I think that's why I got so upset. He's normally doing everything for me, and makes my life so easy and he really truly loves me and supports me, we rarely ever fight, and he is soo excited for the baby.. And loves having me around with his friends, So idk what caused him to get so set on having this guys night!
Also, he is actively looking for another part time job but it's hard because his current part time job is becoming full time in March so it's hard for him to find another job that fits that schedule.
& even though I'm working 50 hours a week, it's unpaid because it's an internship. I have to do 6 months of unpaid time in the hospital and then I can get a paid job. So that's why we don't have much money right now. & we talked about money before we left last night and he only spent $20 which was fine with me.
& when I said "wasn't allowed to go" I should have rephrased that. If I wanted to go out and do something else if my girlfriends, it would be totally fine... We don't have rules over each other haha but I just felt like I wasn't allowed to go with him specifically because he didn't invite me until he realized the situation.
Sorry for the long shpeel! Everything turned out okay and I think him and I both learned something from this. We both ended up having a good night and he enjoyed being able to do something with all of us since we haven't done anything with friends in such a long time and we both know once baby comes it will be different, in a good way!
Thank you girls for your support, I needed that. Sometimes it helps to hear the honest truth from strangers. & because of that I think I handled the situation well.

Want a personalized experience?

Husband allowed to get drunk but we can't?

Re: Husband allowed to get drunk but we can't?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards