Husband allowed to get drunk but we can't?

mschware · January 2014

So this may sound dramatic with all my crazy hormones, but I need some mom/wife opinions! I trust my husband and he trusts me, and he does basically everything for me.. And he deserves to have some fun! (We are both 21- got pregnant 2 months after getting engaged) but for some reason i get a burning anger when he goes out to have drinks with his friends! He doesn't go often, but he is becoming closer with them and of course they are all single and they want to go out to the bar/club this weekend. Idc when DH drinks at home, or goes over to the guys house (like last night they watched a movie)... But is it really fair that I have to stay at home and being a boring pregnant wife while he gets to go have fun? No wonder women were made to carry babies, cause there's no way in hell a man could do it! Haha anyway, I just want to know if I'm being stupid and jealous, or if you girls agree that it's kind of weird and how you would deal/feel in this situation.

flerlgirl · January 2014

I mean...I think it's fair that he gets to go out and have fun and drink if he wants to. If he is constantly drunk and is being irresponsible about it, that's one thing. But let the poor guy go out with his friends! You could go out, too...

nunzchucks · January 2014

If my H was doing it all the time, yes, I would be annoyed. A guys night out once every couple months? Not a big deal as long as he isn't doing anything harmful (drink and drive, etc).

owlcup · January 2014

I don't mind DH going out every now and then. I like the alone time at home as he usually leaves around kid bedtime.

Kinipela7 · January 2014

Who says that you have to sit at home? Are you not capable of going out and having fun without alcohol?

Mztwilson · January 2014

I love it when my dh goes out for a while. It's nice to have alone alone time. My dh goes out every Thursday for pool league and it doesn't bother me. It bothers him more that we can't go out and have fun like we used too. I can't say your over reacting because I don't know how often he goes out. Which is also the same reason I can't say your in the right for being upset.

lola4411 · January 2014

i thought alcohol would be more of an issue during pregnancy, but it really hasn't been a big deal for me. i am the happy DD with my DH and friends. i just get tired earlier than everyone, but i still try to go out and socialize!

Laurelyn2012 · January 2014

LilNunz1 said:

If my H was doing it all the time, yes, I would be annoyed. A guys night out once every couple months? Not a big deal as long as he isn't doing anything harmful (drink and drive, etc).

This. Also as everyone else has said have a girls night. You don't need alcohol to make it fun.

bebemac · January 2014

Yes, you are being stupid and jealous. (You asked!) I think this is a common attitude in the early 20s, though; I see it a lot. Once you're older and wiser you're less likely to feel this way.

Let the guy go have fun. You go have your fun, too!

k2k2tog · January 2014

You don't have to stay home!

If he seems to be going out a lot, and it's starting to feel like he's avoiding spending time with you, then you might have a problem. But, I think it's perfectly fair, unless he's locking you in the house and telling you you're not allowed to go have a nice night with your friends while he's out with his.

KristaU831 · January 2014

you don't HAVE to stay home. that's your choice.

you can go out with your friends and do things other than drink.

Pepper6 · January 2014

Why do you have to stay home while he goes out? It's not like you are sequestered from all fun because you're pregnant.

Since you said your H doesn't go out often, I don't see what the problem is? If it were a regular thing where he got wasted every weekend and didn't want you to come, that would be a problem, but one night out every so often is just as important for him as it should be for you.

Sareynoo · January 2014

Mine goes out every once in a while and I really don't mind. He's 25 and most of his friends aren't married. He always comes home at the end of the night. If he doesn't get to do what he wants to now don't you think he might have "mid-life crisis" issues later?
So I don't get bored, I like to go out on my own, shopping, getting pedis and manicures, getting hair done or even just going out for coffee. I enjoy all of those things and it's nice to just get away from the family for a while. Maybe see a movie with friends, that would be fun!

KristaU831 · January 2014

also. if your friends only do things like get drunk and party and won't hang out otherwise then its time you found new friends anyway because with a new baby that's not really an option unless you enjoy partying with a baby. which you probably won't.

Pepper6 · January 2014

Let me ask you this...before you got pregnant, what was your idea of fun? Did you both go out to bars often?

Depending on that, it might definitely be an age thing. I know when I was 21, I went out every weekend night to the popular bar district with my huge group of friends (it's actually how I met H, lol). But it got old real quick and even though I'm only 26, my idea of fun/drinking now is a nice happy hour with a few friends after work, or going to dinner/drinks on the weekends, or inviting a small group over for a game night (none of those scenarios did we ever have more than 2-3 drinks). But back when I was 21, if I all of a sudden couldn't drink anymore, I might feel a bit of resentment towards H and my friends who still could. But now, I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything because I still have just as much fun with a soda. So that might be something to think about how your feelings are being affected here....

amackattack · January 2014

I think I know what you mean. The kind of "going out" I'm referring to when I speak about this problem is when we'd wait until 1030-1130 to get to the bar, then party until the bars close. At the bar, there's no food, no ones sitting down, everyones standing and drinking is the only activity occuring. Of course, as others have said, you CAN go out. But IMO we'd all be lying if we said it would be the same and just as fun carting around a bunch of drunk people until 2 in the morning in a crowded bar while tired and pregnant. I don't know, maybe most of you don't agree with me. Of course you can have fun without drinking, and have a girls night. But since you're 21, and when I was 21, most all my friends wanted to do was go out late at night.

I feel your pain and I do think that would be hard, and I would feel like I was missing out. Pregnancy changes our lives from the very beginning but the guys get to continue business as usual for awhile. I think it gets a little bit harder to relate. My only advice would be try to tell him how you feel and offer to have people over more rather than them bar hopping or going out to a club. Hang in there!

FutureMrsW9 · January 2014

flerlgirl said:

I mean...I think it's fair that he gets to go out and have fun and drink if he wants to. If he is constantly drunk and is being irresponsible about it, that's one thing. But let the poor guy go out with his friends! You could go out, too...

This....except I still go out with MH, I just don't drink obviously. MH doesn't drink much anyway, so this is actually the first time I've seen him drunk in all the years we've been together, go figure! I'm usually the lush haha. I thought it would make me mad, but now that I'm actually pregnant it doesn't bother me at all, in fact I encourage it! That said, we're both closer to 30 and have been legally drinking for a while, if I was only 21 it might bother me. Then again, I was a senior in college when I was 21 single and bar hopping all the time (you know, between Accounting finals of course), so you're also at a different time in your life and I can kinda understand how you feel.

snowpants · January 2014

If you're sitting at home being a "boring pregnant wife" every time he goes out to have fun then that's on you. And yeah, you're being silly.

I mean, moderation is important. If he goes out all the time it would be an issue. If it's a couple times a month or so then it's not such a big deal as long as he is being safe and responsible, if he can afford it, and if he's not an ahole when he's drunk, etc.

So instead of being bummed about it here's what you should do: plan some fun girl's nights with your friends at the same time. (And if you have to drink to have a fun girl's night then that's a whole other problem.) Also plan some extra fun nights on the town with your guy which involve both of you going out and having a good time. Sure he can have a drink or two when you're out together but the point won't be to get drunk it will be for you both to have some quality time out before baby comes. The times that you are home when he goes out enjoy the alone time by watching a movie he might not like or doing things you don't always have time to do.

Luna C · January 2014

Who says you can't go out?

firsttimeaunt · January 2014

I don't mind it too much if DH goes out and has some fun and drinks every now and then. I want my alone time. I do mind it when he comes home late and wakes me up though, especially since i have a hard time going back to sleep. With my last pregnancy, I did cut him off from drinking more than beer when i was 37 weeks along with my first pregnancy, becasue at that point it was a little too close to a delivery date for comfort.

I agree with PP in that guys just don't get it while we are pregnant. In fact, I don't think my husband really got it until i went back to work until 12 weeks after our son was born. Thats when I stopped getting up every single night to feed and he had to take over a night feeding and contribute more (gotta love a good pump). He will tell you that his life changed more when I returned to work than it did when the baby was actually born.

kellyjayne · January 2014

Pepper6 said:

Let me ask you this...before you got pregnant, what was your idea of fun? Did you both go out to bars often?

Depending on that, it might definitely be an age thing. I know when I was 21, I went out every weekend night to the popular bar district with my huge group of friends (it's actually how I met H, lol). But it got old real quick and even though I'm only 26, my idea of fun/drinking now is a nice happy hour with a few friends after work, or going to dinner/drinks on the weekends, or inviting a small group over for a game night (none of those scenarios did we ever have more than 2-3 drinks). But back when I was 21, if I all of a sudden couldn't drink anymore, I might feel a bit of resentment towards H and my friends who still could. But now, I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything because I still have just as much fun with a soda. So that might be something to think about how your feelings are being affected here....

This exactly. Also, I do understand wanting to have a drink now and then and being a little jealous/irritated/whatever because you can't, but I think it's poor form to get angry or upset about it. The way I look at it is, we chose to have this baby and I was fully aware of the fact that I would have to physically give up things that DH wouldn't. It's a small sacrifice in the grand scheme of life, sometimes it is hard or less fun, but it isn't permanent, and just because I can't drink doesn't mean that everyone around me should have to abstain.

diagonalley · January 2014

I met my DH at a party when he was totally trashed and I was completely sober...it's not a rule you have to drink to have fun. You can certainly go out with him or make plans with your own friends.

elsa1688 · January 2014

I know what you are dealing with. My SO and I went through similar arguments when we were that age (especially before I turned 21 and he was already able to go to bars). Looking back, I was being immature and my feelings were hurt because I felt left out. I should have just done my own things to make me happy. In the situation though, it felt very real and hurtful. My advice: let him go out now, do what makes you happy and don't waste your time arguing or being mad.

christinemurray91 · January 2014

kellyjayne said:

Pepper6 said:

Let me ask you this...before you got pregnant, what was your idea of fun? Did you both go out to bars often?

Depending on that, it might definitely be an age thing. I know when I was 21, I went out every weekend night to the popular bar district with my huge group of friends (it's actually how I met H, lol). But it got old real quick and even though I'm only 26, my idea of fun/drinking now is a nice happy hour with a few friends after work, or going to dinner/drinks on the weekends, or inviting a small group over for a game night (none of those scenarios did we ever have more than 2-3 drinks). But back when I was 21, if I all of a sudden couldn't drink anymore, I might feel a bit of resentment towards H and my friends who still could. But now, I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything because I still have just as much fun with a soda. So that might be something to think about how your feelings are being affected here....

This exactly. Also, I do understand wanting to have a drink now and then and being a little jealous/irritated/whatever because you can't, but I think it's poor form to get angry or upset about it. The way I look at it is, we chose to have this baby and I was fully aware of the fact that I would have to physically give up things that DH wouldn't. It's a small sacrifice in the grand scheme of life, sometimes it is hard or less fun, but it isn't permanent, and just because I can't drink doesn't mean that everyone around me should have to abstain.

I couldn't say it better. Than either of you. I totally agree.

christinemurray91 · January 2014

KristaU831 said:

also. if your friends only do things like get drunk and party and won't hang out otherwise then its time you found new friends anyway because with a new baby that's not really an option unless you enjoy partying with a baby. which you probably won't.

Haha, we had our first at 20 and even though I still went to parties and trips to Niagara while pregnant... we grew up pretty much the second DD was born. We rarely see those friends anymore. They're all still going out to get hammered on a whim and we're happy with our date nights out and hanging at home.

becomingmommyagain · January 2014

Both of your lives are going to change in just a few months. I think it would be wise for you and DH to discuss the types of activities that you both did independently and together prior to becoming pregnant and parents.

I was 21 and ex-H was 26 when we got married. After getting pregnant and having babies, my priorities became my kids and there just wasnt enough time and opportunity to go partying with friends. Hiring a babysitter was always my job and if I couldnt get one I would frequently be left at home to care for the kids while he went to bars and clubs with his brothers and friends. There is a reason why he's now the ex-H - and he met her at the bar while I was home with our kids.

I honestly dont see any reason that you cant tell DH that you dont want him to go to clubs without you. Occasional nights watching a ball game at the bar or a friends house is one thing, but I'm not a big fan of a drunk fest guys night at the club.

My DH and I now into our mid-30s don't go to clubs anymore and prefer parties at home.

babygabe614 · January 2014

I still go out with my husband to bars at least once a week. We are very social and love hanging out with our friends; there is no reason why I would feel obligated to stay home. If I am totally wiped out tired, I might choose to hang at home but that's not common and usually if I say I want to stay home, my husband stays too because he'd rather go out as a couple. He does a guys night thing once a week but he has done that since we were dating and it has never bothered me before so no reason for me to feel left out now.

If going out together isn't an option, maybe you can suggest to him that you guys should do more "dates" just the two of you to balance it out? Like go to the movies or something that doesn't involve drinking if being the sober one in a drunk crowd is the root of the issue.

wtfisup · January 2014

I can't relate to this at all. I want my partner to have fun and enjoy life: I actively work to help him do that.

arekeweg · January 2014

As PPs have stated, why can't you go out? Tonight we will be meeting up with our friends at a brewery. We are the only ones pregnant and/or with kids yet we are both going. I will obviously not be drinking alcohol but water or other non-alcoholic beverages are fine with me. It also makes sure that if DH does have too much, we are safely going to get home.

Although tonight's gathering is male/female, I go to happy hours and such with DH all the time and many times I am the only female. They know I will not be drinking alcohol and no one has an issue with that.

mschware · January 2014

KristaU831 said:
also. if your friends only do things like get drunk and party and won't hang out otherwise then its time you found new friends anyway because with a new baby that's not really an option unless you enjoy partying with a baby. which you probably won't.

I'm actually lucky because most of my friends don't like to get drunk and party! But we just moved back to our home town and ALL of my friends are in different states or towns that are hours away so it's not really possible for me to have a girls night. I personally am not a huge fan of alcohol!
& to what was also asked a couple of times, I'm not invited to go out with them cause it's guys night haha and we don't have money right now. nothing to do with me not being able to drink! I would have loved to be a DD haha. But thank you girls for putting it into perspective for me. Think I was just going crazy, and it's better for me to express it here than flip out on DH for doing nothing wrong!

ashanne88 · January 2014

kellyjayne said:

Pepper6 said:

Let me ask you this...before you got pregnant, what was your idea of fun? Did you both go out to bars often?

Depending on that, it might definitely be an age thing. I know when I was 21, I went out every weekend night to the popular bar district with my huge group of friends (it's actually how I met H, lol). But it got old real quick and even though I'm only 26, my idea of fun/drinking now is a nice happy hour with a few friends after work, or going to dinner/drinks on the weekends, or inviting a small group over for a game night (none of those scenarios did we ever have more than 2-3 drinks). But back when I was 21, if I all of a sudden couldn't drink anymore, I might feel a bit of resentment towards H and my friends who still could. But now, I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything because I still have just as much fun with a soda. So that might be something to think about how your feelings are being affected here....

This exactly. Also, I do understand wanting to have a drink now and then and being a little jealous/irritated/whatever because you can't, but I think it's poor form to get angry or upset about it. The way I look at it is, we chose to have this baby and I was fully aware of the fact that I would have to physically give up things that DH wouldn't. It's a small sacrifice in the grand scheme of life, sometimes it is hard or less fun, but it isn't permanent, and just because I can't drink doesn't mean that everyone around me should have to abstain.

Both of these.

AnnaKaie · January 2014

When he comes home all tipsy and drunk, get him to the bed room and take advantage of him. Win Win to me.

mschware · January 2014

@talon1226 we are working on that.. Having just recently moved it's been hard. Eventually I'm sure we will go out together with mutual friends

lately it's just been me working 50 hrs a week and not having friends here while he works part time and hangs out with his friends a couple times a week. But I think things will play out differently soon

mschware · January 2014

AnnaKaie said:
When he comes home all tipsy and drunk, get him to the bed room and take advantage of him. Win Win to me.

This made me laugh, thank you. I'll go with that haha!

jshrop · January 2014

Does anyone else hate the word "allowed" in regards to spouses. We don't grant each other permission to do things, we respect each other's decisions. We also try to br respectful when deciding what we're doing that night, for instance, if I know hubs is going out with the boys, that's when I either go out with the girls or catch up on the chick flicks. Either way, I'm more than happy to be DD. Same was reversed prior to me getting pregnant. If I wanted to go out, he'd pick me up. More often though, we gang with friends bar-b- queuing or going out for dinner and drinks.

mjdavies · January 2014

Sorry you haven't gotten more support on this. I think if he is going out every weekend and coming home wasted, I would be annoyed. I think the mentality of single 21 year old dudes (his friends) when going to a bar is to get wasted, hit on girls and close the place down. If that's the case, then yeah, I wouldn't want to go to the bar either. Going out with his friends every once in a while, fine but I could see how it would wear on your nerves if it's happening all the time. And yeah, you don't have to drink to have fun but when everyone else is trashed and you are in a crowded, loud bar, it's not so fun (I'm just going out on a limb and thinking they might not be going to the classiest places). Let him know how you feel and see if you can get a balance going with fun date nights for you two, his boys nights out and girls nights (in or out) for you.

hlp2709 · January 2014

Its not far because they get to enjoy some drinks and let me tell you I know there has been days when I need a drink and can't have one. Not a fan of this at all. For example tonight we are going to a party and there will be drinking and I can't how can I have fun????? On the other hand that means I will have to keep eye on my child which I would do anyways but still having a little help from DH would be nice we will see how this goes.

kellyjayne · January 2014

hlp2709 said:

Its not far because they get to enjoy some drinks and let me tell you I know there has been days when I need a drink and can't have one. Not a fan of this at all. For example tonight we are going to a party and there will be drinking and I can't how can I have fun????? On the other hand that means I will have to keep eye on my child which I would do anyways but still having a little help from DH would be nice we will see how this goes.

If I were going to a party where I couldn't have fun without drinking, I would probably not go and reevaluate my friendships and relationships because there is no reason to think that you can't have fun without drinking. And, your DH should still help you watch your child. Again, if I knew we were going to a party and DH was going to get so drunk that he wasn't able to help take responsibility for his own child, I would probably just stay home and have a serious discussion with DH about alcohol.

katekat8721 · January 2014

hlp2709 said:

Its not far because they get to enjoy some drinks and let me tell you I know there has been days when I need a drink and can't have one. Not a fan of this at all. For example tonight we are going to a party and there will be drinking and I can't how can I have fun????? On the other hand that means I will have to keep eye on my child which I would do anyways but still having a little help from DH would be nice we will see how this goes.

https://31.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lfv750TcuH1qgne6io1_500.gif

LegalLadyBug · January 2014

hlp2709 said:
Its not far because they get to enjoy some drinks and let me tell you I know there has been days when I need a drink and can't have one. Not a fan of this at all. For example tonight we are going to a party and there will be drinking and I can't how can I have fun????? On the other hand that means I will have to keep eye on my child which I would do anyways but still having a little help from DH would be nice we will see how this goes.

Is this a joke? You don't need to get drunk to have fun and I honestly feel bad for you if think you do.