How Private were you?

Sparky1014 · January 2014

I'm still very early in all of this, and planning to attend an information session this evening. How private were you with your plans to adopt? I know when many couples are trying to have children, they don't necessarily tell people, and don't announce until the 2nd trimester. It seems to me that even if you wanted to keep things quiet, with the need for recommendations and referrals, that it's hard to keep adoption private even if you really want to. I'm typically a pretty private person, and I know I'll have to field a lot of questions down the road, but I guess my question is is this process as much of an invasion of privacy as it seems like it could be, and how private or public were you with your plans to adopt?

reenie83 · January 2014

We're only at the very start of the process too. I've always talked about adoption so my friends and family have all heard me mention it in the past. It's not something that would be a shock to anyone (except maybe the in-laws). We are going to wait until we've completed a home study and have a concrete plan in place before telling family and close friends. If we do pursue international adoption, we'll most likely wait until we're traveling for the first trip to make it completely public (ex: facebook public). If we go foster adopt, we would probably wait to announce once we have a placement.

msditz00 · January 2014

We weren't completely private about it, but we didn't talk about it much either. Having people aware of the fact that we were getting licensed was very helpful, because with foster care you need to be prepared for a variety of ages (well we did, since we were open to up to three kids under the age of 6). My mom talked about it with her friends, and they were awesome about giving us old beds, dressers and such just to put out for our home study - we didn't want to spend the money on all new stuff when we had no idea what we would actually need. We had enough stuff to show DCF we were prepared for anything (except of course the girls we were ultimately placed with, life has a funny way of being like that), without spending a huge amount of money.

Dr.Loretta · January 2014

The process itself wasn't that invasive, but it can vary from place to place.

We had layers of privacy. My family knew from our evolution from TTC to adoption. Close friends were also in that group. The ILs found out when we picked an agency. DH's boss gave a reference, so he knew during the home study. I told my CWs when we went active, and mentioned it in our Christmas card that year. I was warned that people would it me a lot, but they more or less left me alone and celebrated when we got placed

ETA: I got a lot of invasive and insulting questions/comments when we were TTC (and not telling many people). Everything from co-workers offering me free fertility drugs to others asking if I liked children. I definitely put up a wall because I didn't want ignorant comments about adoption. Those ended up happening after placement.

maryoosa · January 2014

We weren't private about it. At all.

[Deleted User] · January 2014

The user and all related content has been deleted.

pleasebeonsale · January 2014

We aren't private about it at all. I think it's good for people to talk about it to normalize it, you know? Also, I wouldn't want to miss out on a referral because I didn't say anything. Once we are matched though, I probably won't tell many people until placement. I kind of see that as the waiting until second tri. So just close friends and family.

fajita814 · January 2014

Not very private. We didn't shout it out or anything but all family, friends & many coworkers knew by the time our homestudy was complete. We know two different couples that were matched through word of mouth with friends of friends. We are doing foster to adopt currently, but we didn't want to miss out on any opportunities. We would do DIA if a match just fell into our laps.

Lacyj67 · January 2014

I'm a open book! I love to talk and was very open through my ivfs and DEgg process. And will be open with adoption as well. I have learned to not talk people's ear off about it and they don't need to know every single detail but if they ask certain questions I answer as much as they want to know! Good luck with your decision.

summergirl79 · January 2014

We were very private for our first adoption, told family and close friends when we were done with home study, and other friends when our profile went active. For the second time around, we haven't been as private, telling people we were starting the process again throughout...

aligross · January 2014

Once we knew which adoption agency we were going to go with we began telling people. We were SO excited to be in the process! Yes, it is sort kinda not really like getting pregnant and people don't tell others when the try (typically) but No, it wasn't really like getting pregnant... adoption is a public affair, you need your support to stand with you through it. We were happy that we began talking about it with people. People tended NOT to give us unsolicited advice about trying fertility treatments, or make rude and uneducated comments, and if they did we were able to lean on our supports to help educate them on WHY it was inappropriate to say anything like that etc!

I think it is all a personal opinion. We asked our families to be a part of our adoption video so I needed them to know pretty early on that we would need their assistance! Do what ever feels natural for YOU!

megalbee · January 2014

We've been pretty open with our whole journey. Our family and close friends have known for a while. We will tell co workers etc. when we go active. I think like previous posts, you should just do what feels most comfortable. After 4 plus years of working towards becoming a family, this feels pretty dang exciting!

hansa11 · January 2014

We've been super open about our plans to adopt ever since we signed with an agency. I agree that much of the adoption process has felt like an invasion of privacy, but I haven't felt that way about being public about our plans. Whatever we choose to share has been on our own terms, which you can't say about much else with adoption. While I've dealt with my share of stupid comments, I've found that the more open I am about sharing our journey, the more everyone around me has had an opportunity to learn about adoption. Many people are really surprised when they hear our news and it's taken a lot of conversations to catch them up on what lead to this decision. I can't imagine the questions I'd have to answer if they first learned we're adopting a week before we leave for China.

daniandbri · January 2014

We were more private about our process. Although our immediate family and closest friends knew. During the last few weeks before placement we started talking about things more openly. I think for me I was concerned about making the awkward phone calls or answering the questions if our placement failed.

Trippleb · January 2014

We were very private through TTC and continue to be as we are knee deep into adoption. We had to tell three friends about our adoption plans. like you mentioned we needed them for references. All three were sworn to secrecy. LOL. I tried to pick people that weren't close to any of my family members.

Just this week we had plans to meet with an expecting mom. She lives close enough to us that I debated whether we would tell our families at the time of birth because it would be close enough my sister and her husband could bring my parents to the hospital. After being told by the expecting mom they she really liked us and thought we were the ones, she cancelled the meeting. I quickly decided that nope, no one was going to know until we bring the baby home. To much can go wrong.

davidandheather · January 2014

We let close friends and family know that we were researching and praying about it. This helped as many had helpful resources for us. OUr church even did a discovering adoption class so we could learn about all the different types of adoption, attachment, etc. Once we were sure which route we were going and who our agency was and the homestudy done, etc. Basically once we were approved, ready and on waitlists, we were more open. Kind of gentle though. I think a put a generic message on facebook about free chick -fil -a breakfast on my way to adoption class. Some people caught it, some did not. Eventually we were much more open.

Sparky1014 · January 2014

Thank you for all the replies, this has been very helpful. Since I'm pursuing an older child adoption, I've decided I'm going to keep things relatively quiet until I'm a little further along in the process.

How Private were you?

Re: How Private were you?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards